Ambivalence. The word rolls around in your head with irritating insistence, and you ask yourself if ambivalence is an emotion or a set of feelings or a state of being — one in which the battle of conflicting thoughts is so evenly matched as to leave you unable to pick a side, to take a decision, to settle into a yes or no, and then stay there.
In place of that elusive decision about a person and his character, about a spouse and her inexplicable behaviors, about a series of conversations that are muddled in their purpose or interpretation, you are stuck as two sides of a position, a possibility, or a choice offer no clear path, no tipping toward one direction, no clarity… and no let-up in your wavering.
Oh, for the ease of childhood! Pass the posy and recite: He loves me, he loves me not.
Weary, you know that love alone is rarely enough. You wish you could relinquish the lucidity of persuasive argumentation, the specificity of your evidence as presented by internal opposing counsel, the knowledge that contradictions are inevitable. You remind yourself that whatever comes, you will manage. And so, for an hour or an afternoon you curl up into a conclusion… just to be done.
It is a temporary respite. Ambivalence returns as your feelings and memories and inner dialog bubble back up. You vacillate again, more deeply entrenched in uncertainty than ever, unable to resolve to a decision, a definitive course, a truth you can grasp and hang onto long enough to stand on solid ground.
You’ve made so many bad relationship choices, you tell yourself. This period of reflection… these weeks, these months… aren’t they due if you’re dealing with a marriage? Aren’t they respectful consideration for any relationship of long duration?
But an answer — even the wrong one — seems better than this.
Ambivalence that persists is unsettling, exhausting, and harmful.
Ambivalence in Love and Marriage
In relationships, periods of ambivalence eventually give way to action, or so we hope. If not our action, the actions of others involved, responding to the outward signs of our indecision.
You may be familiar with questions like these:
- Should I break up with him, or stay and try to make it work?
- He broke up with me… Is it better this way or should I try to get him back?
- We’ve invested 20 years in our marriage, neither of us is happy… Should I cut and run or stay? What if this is as good as it gets?
- He wants out… The children are nearly grown… Should I persuade him to remain? Do I dare face the world on my own?
- If I leave at 55 or 60, will I ever meet anyone else? Am I dooming myself to growing old alone?
In each of these examples the factors for staying or going are many, not to mention complicated. And we carry on these conversations in our heads long before we begin to communicate their substance to others, though perhaps we disclose our doubts, our worries, and our fears to a trusted confidante.
Yes, no, maybe… At some point, even without a conclusion, we will have to confront the spouse, the fiancé, the significant other — or continue to exist in this wretched inner space, still hoping for clarity before we speak up or do something we may regret.
When Relationship Status Stakes Are High
What if this state of affairs continues for weeks or months or longer? What if we haven’t anticipated all the possible consequences? What if we just don’t know what we truly want? What if there are days or nights or events or periods of time that incline us toward a ‘yes’ in our theoretical decision, only to have things turn again, and we find ourselves looking ‘no’ squarely in the eye, and returning to the yes-no antics of our ambivalence?
If the emotional, financial or logistical stakes are high, ambivalence is understandable.
The New York Times takes up the issue of the ambivalent marriage, specifically the toll it takes on our health. We’ve all heard the conventional wisdom that it’s healthier to live with a partner or be married, but studies are looking to refine that stance — to qualify a sweeping generalization — recognizing not only that a “bad” relationship poses problems, but that anything less than a good relationship may be just as problematic.
The Times tells us:
… increasingly, researchers are trying to understand the more nuanced effects of marriage on health. To reap the health benefits of marriage, is it enough to just be married? Or how much does the quality of the marriage, such as the level of support, warmth, negativity or controlling behavior, affect the health of seemingly stable couples?
Remarking on recent findings from one (small) study, The Times notes:
… men and women in ambivalent relationships consistently posted higher systolic blood pressure readings during a given day. That suggests that one of the well-established benefits of marriage — better cardiovascular health — may not be as robust for couples in ambivalent marriages.
Ambivalence and Decision-Making
As we consider what ambivalence is, it’s easy to see why it’s so deeply distressing when dealing with life-altering decisions.
The Free Dictionary defines ambivalence This way:
… the coexistence of opposing attitudes or feelings… toward a person, object or idea; uncertainty or in decisiveness as to which course to follow.
Uncertainty causes stress, particularly if we know that a wrong step may be disastrous.
When dealing with the simultaneous persistence of conflicting attitudes about someone we love — is he right or wrong, is she kind or cruel, is that story true or false — the stress can become almost unbearable as our belief systems and belief in our own judgment may be put to the test.
Generally speaking, I know myself to be a decisive person. This is especially the case in my professional life, and likewise in my role as a parent. I know my willingness to take certain types of risks, and hesitation to take others. And I do find that the absence of a decision is, for me, worse than making a wrong decision… that is, in most scenarios.
Yet in the relationship realm, ambivalence is an old ally — at times working in my favor in so far as it may buy me time — but more often, an all too familiar foe. Constant disagreement in inner dialog is wearing, and the longer it goes on, the more muddled decision-making may seem. The fear of making a mistake feels overwhelming.
How to Deal With Ambivalence in Love
Psychology Today also weighs in on the pervasive impacts of uncertainty, indecision and anxiety. And wouldn’t ambivalence cause anxiety as you find yourself incapable of making a decision?
I take a lesson in this recommendation from the Psychology Today article, relative to the element of fear:
… where your information is incomplete, accept ambiguity and uncertainty as a natural part of living and learning. You won’t see the complete picture until you engage the challenge. You’ll learn more by taking action than by waiting for a guarantee.
That’s easier said than done of course. Moreover, the nature of the issues causing conflict are key to the time and intensity in weighing and measuring the consequences of our actions.
When marriage or a significant relationship is at risk, it behooves us to consider if children are involved, the extent of any financial entanglements, logistical aspects to our arrangements, and I believe — holding true to our beliefs and our character.
Some of us are built to fight hard for what we are convinced can be fixed, including on the emotional front. Others may operate according to a different tolerance.
It’s worth remembering that ambivalence is not indifference with its passivity or lethargy. Ambivalence is an active thing, a toxic tug of war when left unchecked, a paralyzing paradox as you change your mind over and over. And as I consider these articles and my own past, the ways in which hopefulness or an idealized view of people and situations can interfere with reality, I understand the wisdom in this: At some point, a decision must be made. And in the case of love or once-love, as The Times suggests, for better or worse, it’s a matter of your health.
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Ambivalence is often viewed as a person’s inability to reach a judgment, but I think this is a simplistic view that doesn’t do justice to the dilemmas or those who are caught in them. I look at it more as the three way intersection between the difficulty of the decision (with the corresponding imperative to get it right), an incompleteness of information, and most importantly, a suitable path to resolution which only arrives through waiting or incremental changes.
In other words, if the decision does not almost just make itself, then the time is not right for that decision to be made. The right time might be as near as a few seconds from now, when a flash of insight provides information which completes the decision, or it may be months or years away when life circumstances have changed. Or perhaps circumstances force your hand and your decision is more reactive than proactive. But in any case, the situation in which the decision can be made is a distinctly different entity than the one in which it cannot. And of course that right time is often marked by reaching a pain threshold. It isn’t a comfortable process, but it is the only one I can imagine that would provide tolerable resolution when the stakes are high.
Your comment is so helpful, Robert. More so, for the nuanced view of the complexity of high stakes decision-making. Thank you for your insight.
Spot on! Especially the second paragraph. Here is my real-world ‘case study’….My wife of 20 years had been ambivalent for for the last five years of our marriage. It was a slow detachment that peaked this past May when we separated and she moved out. What was interesting was that she was literally ‘yes-no-maybe’ on a daily basis and I finally had enough of it by July. So, I let go and started living my life without her. A funny thing happened too, I became happier and started attracting new friends, both male and female. Her mid-life ambivalence was real and remained until, as you put it, circumstances forced her hand in a reactive way. I attracted a great woman who saw all of the things in me that my wife’s friends and others saw as well, but apparently my wife did not. After an accounting of the last few years (with help of therapist), I came to the conclusion that my wife wanted a divorce all along and did not have the guts to ask for one, so I would move to getting it.
Maybe she thought that I would sit around forever waiting for her to make the ‘grand decision’; does she stay or go? Maybe having to get a job after a year-long hiatus or coming home to an empty house every night after going out with her BFFs triggered something. Who knows. In any case, circumstances were forcing her to react and the ‘pain threshold’ she hit was the reality that being on her own at 48 was not all that she thought it was and more importantly, that she was about to lose me to another woman.
My wife reacted in a way I had never seen and fought hard to get me back. I loved her – still do – and so we began to reconcile in September. Things are going well now and we both are forever changed by the experience. I hated letting my new relationship go, but it was not fair to her or my wife. So I agree, pain, fear, loss, jealousy etc. are uncomfortable and are huge motivators. The stakes were high with my wife and it kicked her out of ambivalence.
Case study indeed! You sound like life is now very full. I’m so glad for you both. And thank you for sharing your story, which is no doubt good for others to hear.
Robert. I used to think that way. I still believe that you are correct. Because that is the only got out. I have recently read a Dozen articles on. Right brain Vs left brain. And The effects of childhood abuse from neglect. Physical, mental, emotional abuse. Having narcissist parents. Passive aggressive. I lived thru all of these. My sister was molested. She and my father are still close. Once I got married and had kids. I moved to PA. From Southern California. 16 years ago. I still have not spoken to my dad. My mother and I talk online. I blame her as well. It didn’t effect me. As an adult. From 16 on I lived A meth alcohol crazed life. For 10 years. I had a lot of fun but it was rough. So I applied my way out to everyone else. I was fuck them this is the way out. And I left them behind. I knew the abuse I suffered was bad. But I made it out. It seemed easy to me. I have recently met a woman. Who has a heart of GOLD. Treats me like a king. I see her suffering. Inside. More than I have ever seen. We can go thru something with Her son. And I say to what is going on. 5 different ways. Spell it out. To Her Her mother twisted her head into. Shreads. Small town. Girl. After you. Read about those. Horrible things children are subjected to PTSD I never wanted to go back inside my head. Just because I got out. Not good enough me. I am going against every single one of my beliefs to do this. I made it out easy. My. Life has been very easy. To easy. I never waited long enough to try and reach some one to help them out. When in had to put an effort into it. I was fuck this shit. That’s weak of me. I should have. Waited longer suffered. The bible says to. I am not a religious man. I have lived by the word of God and didn’t even know it. So. Read. You don’t have to go back and help. But please don’t trivialize the subject.
I have been married for 34 years and now have young grandchildren. This article hits home for me. It is a relief to feel that I am not alone in having these feelings and that others have experienced them. Robert’s comment is very insightful as well. I have been actively ambivalent for 5 years. This has to be some kind of record. Financials, health and fear all play into my indecision. Thank you so much for this article/post!
Thank you for reading and commenting, Tamara. Your input helps the rest of us feel not so alone in this dilemma as well. With regard to the issues of money and health, especially as we get a little older, we would be foolish to discount the necessary weight to give to these practical factors in our living arrangements.
However, I do consider chucking it all, buying a Class B motor home or Airstream, and traveling/full-timing it with my two dogs.
“Some of us are built to fight hard for what we are convinced can be fixed, including on the emotional front.”
Thank you for saying that. Some of us are. I think you caught the lot of us in very accurate terms.
Thank you, wonderfully written as always.
This may be a first. I’ve been married for 55 years and got married in a state of ambivalence and uncertanty of wanting to marry my husband. I was 21 he was 22, that was the norm back then. I have been battling this feeling from time to time throughout my marriage. Some years were quite good. The last five years have been tough as my husband is cranky, withdrawn and finds fault with others more than before. He has had two mini strokes and a multiple infarct a year and a half ago. When I try to communicate my feelings to him, he resists. I am left with the ambivalence.
66 and married for 35 doubt filled years with grown kids. Was in a religious community where leader said I would never forgive myself if I broke off engagement. So ambivalence and misgivings characterized my inner life: 4 children and a satisfying career kept demons at bay but retirement and depression have renewed my sense of conflict. She is a wonderful person but love has always felt forced. I mustered nerve to separate but it only lasted two weeks. We became grandparents and somehow boundaries I had made when I moved out were blurred as we shared space at my daughters. So now leaving feels even more ambivalent than ever.
We currently live together because I am fearful of economics, losing my best friend, and being alone even those two weeks apart gave me new sense of hope for my future. Thank you all for sharing and wish all of you well with this struggle.