Old talk. Do you know what that is? Fat talk. How about that one? I’ll bet you engage in old talk and fat talk on a regular basis. I do, and have for as long as I can remember. It’s common in women of any age, and for many, even more so as we age.
What say we begin to make over our inner dialog? What say we look to edit our “fat” and “old” remarks about ourselves and others?
Here is an example of old talk. You’re socializing with a woman friend and you notice an acquaintance you haven’t seen in a few months. “Maybe I should invite her to my Botox party,” you say, brightly. “Laura is so pretty, but a little freshening would work wonders.”
Self-Deprecating Remarks
Now, Botox parties aren’t part of my world. I don’t know if they’re part of yours. But here’s another variation, as you couch your “old talk” in a backhanded compliment.
“Wearing those rosy tones makes you look so much younger!” you say to your girlfriend, who’s been sighing and muttering about the changes in her skin since turning 45. She smiles at what is offered as praise — with a tinge of unconscious put-down.
This next scenario that involves self-talk?
It’s all too familiar.
You’re staring into the mirror as you’re shopping with a friend. “I can’t believe how old I’ve gotten,” you murmur. Or maybe “Look at these wrinkles. I can really see them in this light.”
You may be standing in front of that mirror in the bathroom, entirely alone. You aren’t saying the words aloud, but they’re ringing in your ears. Lately, your inner dialog is full of “old talk” qualifiers.
And, much as you hate to admit it, feeling shame in the very fact of your aging.
Fat Talk
Fat talk, as you might expect, runs along similar lines. “She’s too heavy to carry that off” or “Those jeans are better suited to someone who’s less, well… curvy.” Or, as you extend a compliment: “You look fantastic! Did you lose a few pounds?”
There’s the stereotypical loaded question posed to a spouse or child: “Do these jeans make me look fat?”
And still staring into that mirror, you may whisper under your breath: “I can’t believe how fat I’ve gotten. If only I could drop some weight.”
And now for the frosting on the cake, also referred to as the “thin-young ideal,” and something I’ve muttered to myself a time or two: “Damn. I’m getting old and fat.”
Now imagine that you’re saying those words to someone else. You wouldn’t do it, right? So why would we be so much kinder to a friend or stranger than we are to ourselves? Where’s the compassion to focus on who we are and what we’re doing, rather than make disparaging comments using loaded terms that do little but hurt?
Women, Old Talk, Fat Talk, Body Image
The Journal of Eating Disorders references a fascinating and sobering study that explores the phenomena of body image in mature women — our preoccupations with weight and body shape, along with awareness of aging, and how this is expressed through “old talk” and “fat talk”.
Before reading this study, I didn’t realize the extent to which I represent both pieces of this equation, and likewise, one who internalizes the thin-young-ideal I once thought I shed, and far more than I anticipated.
As the Journal article reminds us:
… limited research on body image in older women suggests that body dissatisfaction is relatively comparable in younger and older women…
Why exactly is the issue of fat talk and old talk so important?
Many believe that language shapes behaviors and self-image. I certainly believe it. We have only to think of our own experiences of being on the receiving end of language that is verbally abusive. We internalize negative voices and perpetuate their words; our views of ourselves become distorted. But there’s more to examine — a social dimension that is both helpful and detrimental.
Can’t We Connect in More Positive Ways?
As the Journal of Eating Disorders study points out, fat talk is used for
… impression management (i.e., to increase social likeability and decrease perceptions of arrogance). Fat talk is hypothesized to increase a sense of inter-connectedness between girls and women; yet at the same time, fat talk reinforces the thin-ideal and decreases the opportunity for girls to interact in more meaningful ways.
Think about it. We’re busy trashing ourselves before others do; we’re diminishing ourselves with language as our tool, and doing so as a means to connect to others; we’re wasting time and energy on superficial attributes rather than substance.
How many times have you said “I’ve gotten so fat” in front of a friend, partly to prevent her remarks or to somehow “explain yourself” as if not being your usual size requires justification? Perhaps you soften the delivery with what you hope is humorous, as you commiserate with a few friends complaining of gaining weight and you say: “I’m right there with you; pass the ‘wide load’ sign and I’ll hang it over my rear end.”
Ah, the female body politic — our obsession with how our bodies look rather than what our bodies do for us. So much time wasted, yes wasted, on the pursuit of the thin-young ideal.
Finding Balance
Yes, appearances matter. Yes, I’m subject to the same influences as you are. Yes, managing the extent to which I give them power is a challenge.
Using language that reinforces a negative self-image?
We can change our words, with practice. And it’s time we do just that.
So let’s try — at least try — to reshape our own messaging, and consequently to reshape our mindsets. I plan on putting those beliefs to the test, and practicing more positive statements about myself — and without qualifiers.
No more “you look okay for your age,” but rather, “you look okay!” and better still, “you look great!” and best of all “you feel healthy, you feel strong, and it shows — you look great!”
Catch Me As I Fall
I’m planning on paying careful attention to my inner voice, especially around body image and in particular as I continue on a slow-and-easy healthy mode of eating to lose some excess weight. I hope to catch myself if I fall into former self-limiting language traps. Care to do the same?
- Catch yourself in your inner dialog if making disparaging remarks about your appearance — weight or age. Do the same as you speak aloud to friends or a romantic partner. Likewise, in front of your kids. Remember that they absorb not only our language but our behaviors.
- Catch yourself when speaking to or about others, women especially. No more “She looks good for her age” but instead, “She looks good.” No more “That jacket would work better if she lost a little off the derriere” but rather, “The color of that jacket is perfect for her.”
- Pay attention to the words that slip out in front of others, even if you place them in a humorous, self-deprecating context.
- Don’t undermine self-esteem with “old talk” and “fat talk!” Just as important, consider the proportion of focus on appearance versus substance. Is it out of whack?
Sure, this is about language. It’s also fundamentally about respect. And self-respect. We know appearances matter, confidence matters, and confidence is enhanced by comfort with one’s appearance. Our challenge: finding that reasonable, realistic, healthy balance of becoming our best selves from the inside out, just as we might wish to from the outside in.
Visit the next in the series, Midlife Makeover: Style Tips for Women Over 40 or check out the entire Makeover Series here.
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I promise I will BE kinder to myself when I look in that MIRROR……………..
Your words are so TRUE we would never say what we think about ourselves to others………….
SO, every day lets find something POSITIVE to say about ourselves……..lets build a VOCABULARY LIST!
Exactly!
I’ve tried to be conscious in recent years of not engaging in disparaging talk about my weight and age. Sometimes it slips through, but at least the awareness is there. I think we’re all so much harder on our own appearances than on anyone else’s.
This is a wonderful post: I read it slowly and carefully… Amazingly, one of my biggest “fans” and supporters and positive reinforcement is my 30 yr. old daughter. We are very close, but also very honest, in a good way. She is endlessly patient with decisions I make re. clothes, makeup and general well being (and I with hers, I must add!) But she makes me feel good. Period. I think, if it works, the young can be wonderful for us. But, of course, it doesn’t always work that way; so I guess we need to be discerning in who we hang out with? So much more to say on this, but must run. And thanks for visiting my blog today! Nice to “meet” you.
That is lovely, Libby, that your daughter is so positive and supportive. (I have sons, one still in college and the other just a year out; they have pointed out some of my negative self-talk. It’s quite helpful!)
On another note: We’ll have to thank Susan for this inadvertent introduction. This is what I love about the “online life.”
Recently I had a very dear friend of mine commenting that his belly makes the best resting place for his phone in speaker mode. This man had aged very nicely while gaining a few extra pounds like most of us do. Where is our sense of humor and acceptance? We still have a long way to go…
Yes, I agree, Cornelia. (And I’ve been surprised to hear both “fat talk” and “old talk” from certain men. They are not immune.)
Your recent thoughts have truly prompted me to face my own ‘expanding’ self. I’m tall and it’s easy to hide a bit of extra weight, but I’m up significantly and am at the point of no longer feeling like myself. I’m intimidated when I know I’ll be in circumstances where my figure will be exposed, I’m timid about undressing and feeling less than confident in many ways.
I love that you are not willing to accept it! That is what I needed for motivation – my dear dad is obese and yet seems to accept it and no longer even attempts to make wise choices. I don’t want to get to the place where I no longer care or it feels inevitable. I’m not quite to 50 years, but I am intensely aware of my slowing metabolism.
I’ve lost weight in the past, and I know what my body needs. I’m great at exercise, but I eat without discipline and this is what must change. Summer is the season and with a girlfriend get-together in late July, I’m setting some goals.
Thank you for sharing, DA! I’m impressed at your progress already!
Thanks for joining in on this one, Missy. Let’s keep each other motivated! I’ve plateaued these past few weeks and that’s always the most frustrating time. Now YOU are giving me motivation to keep at it, so thank you for that.
I just want to say first how brave all of you are. I am a few months shy of 60. Had my thyroid taken out a few months ago. I am self destructive. I need to take off weight and start being nicer to myself but its hard when you have no one to do it for. My son comes to visit once a week so I try to look great. It totally complements me and then I think not for him but for me, I need to. So you all motivated me. Thank you, and thank you D.A. for writing the article.
Hopefully this won’t offend the ladies, but at my age, one tends to tell it like it is. I am blessed in that, with my genes and being athletic, I have always been slim and fit so weight problems have never existed for me. Other things certainly, but never weight.
But, I’ll never forget this! There used to be a columnist named Ann Landers in the papers. One day she wrote an article about divorced, mature women looking for a new relationship. She wrote, “You can be well educated, in good health, financially secure, and have the best personality in the world with lots of friends; BUT, I have to tell you girls………..If you are FAT………..You can forget it!”
If you peruse a couple of “Dating Sites”, you will observe the often stated phrase posted mainly by women that says, ” A few extra pounds” ………….Well, let me tell you, that’s what turns out the lights!!
Sadly Ron, this is all too true. It’s certainly true in the online dating world, and that’s one of the reasons I encourage women (especially) to say “yes” to all kinds of opportunities to get out there and meet people.
I personally have not found this to be as true in Europe.
I do consider it a sorry state of affairs.
For THIS reason, we need to be comfortable in our own skin. I may hold more pounds than another, but if I feel good about me, that will not be what defines me and certainly wouldn’t be mentioned in a description of who I am.
On a side note, my now-husband dated younger, more glamorous and certainly more attractive (from current US cultural standards) women and yet I was the one who caught his attention. Being less focused/obsessed and more able to fully live as myself is part of what he loves about me.
That said, I can’t ignore when I get to a place where my size inhibits my ability to be fully myself. My husband (a very slender, lifetime runner) sometimes says I’m “large” and I guess it is true – he says that my personality, laughter, attitude, etc. make me hard to ignore. It’s true in the physical sense, also. There in nothing petite about me, though I think I’m quite feminine, I fill the space in which I reside.
As you have before, you’ve hit on a topic I was just thinking about in the last day or two.
We DO say what we do to beat people to the punch. But it’s so self-aware and wrong headed to show people we’re not “deluded” about ourselves or, worse, show we know what they’re thinking of us when (at least the latter) isn’t anything we can know. Comments like “When you’re my age,” or worse, “At my age…” or jokes about how unfit/heavy, etc. make me want to say “Stop, stop, stop turning on yourself like that.”
Your other excellent point: “would you say those things to someone else?” Absolutely not. There’s no way I’d say to someone: “Try and make sure nobody takes still, candid shots of you when you’re listening to someone because you look upset.” But I do, I frown and focus on them.
Bottom line for me as I got older was remembering how trapped I felt when I thought the only impression I could make began and ended with appearance, youth, body size, etc. I looked great in my younger decades but had no – and I mean zero – confidence in my inner skills. I didn’t even know what they were.
With the self talk you’re suggesting, and a little morning meditation habit, I’ve reconciled the two and they are close enough not to fight all the time anymore. Also outer beauty knows inner beauty can kick her ass now. There’s that.
Love, love, love the way you capture so much everything.
What a great post…thanks. I remember years ago a friend who has always “battled” her weight remarking that she wished another friend who was naturally thin would stop talking about the two or three pounds she (the thin friend) needed to lose. It was hurtful to my “battling” friend who was trying to lose 20, and made her feel discouraged. On the other hand I can’t tell you how many times the women with whom I used to work would offer me brownies or chocolates or whatever treat was always circulating the office. And when I demurred because I was trying to NOT gain menopause weight, they would chide me for “worrying about nothing”, to “live a little” etc etc. Seriously we all need to be more sensitive to others….whatever their situation.
Great examples and great reminders, Sue!
Great post! Absolutely I’ll join you in that and pay more attention to what I say to myself and also to the people around me.
I have a harder time with the old piece than the fat.Sometimes it feels right to put the age piece on the table. I know it’s odd to always talk about cycling, but it is a large part of my world (I hope readers can generalize to other situations) and age does play in. I simply cannot ride at the same level as equally fit people 10, 20, 30 years younger. Once, when in the middle of a group of riders aged 28 to 67, I had a woman about 30 years younger than me ask if I ever smoked. When I said yes, for maybe a year or two, she told me that was why I was slower. Aaargh … did not bring out the best in me!
And having read the above comments, I’ve been guilty of mentioning wanting to shed 2 or 5 pounds, which I will stop now. I appreciate having read that.
Also, I praise girls, either little or teenager, either to them or their parents, with other positive attributes as well as or instead of cute…..hoping that if they hear you’re ( or she’s) so smart, funny, strong, musical, talented, energetic,… whatever else besides cute, it will in some small way help to shape the adult woman’s self image.
That was long winded… but your posts are so helpful, and the comments also. Hooray!