Long days, long evenings, jammed weekends. So much time devoted to obligations, and so little attention focused on the relationships that count. Does that sound familiar?
A few months back, beyond sharing conversation over dinner — admittedly distracted while doing so — I wasn’t able to spend much time with the man in my life. I was swamped by competing tasks, including responsibilities to my family and to my clients. The only option was to buckle down and keep pushing, often through 14-hour days, one after another.
Sometimes I would rise while my guy was still asleep. Other times, I was going to bed two or three hours before he woke to start his day, beginning my own shortly after. This continued for six or seven weeks.
Conflict of Interest?
Here is my recurring challenge: I have plenty of experience when it comes to pushing through tough periods like this; it is part and parcel of a freelancer’s lifestyle and was, throughout the years I was raising my children as a single mother. My boys were accustomed to this rhythm. Good or bad, it’s likely the only rhythm they will remember.
But a romantic partner has different expectations, even if he says he understands. A 50-hour or 60-hour work week is one thing; 80 hours, quite another.
The result of so intense a workload, especially when you live together?
When I have to put in extended hours for a prolonged period, I cannot meet my partner’s expectation of attention. It is not unreasonable to assume time for talks, time for shared meals, time for social activities as a couple, and private time. But with crazy, irregular hours, something – or someone – will be neglected. And that means patience strains and communication falters.
And if you’re the one putting in all those hours? The conflicts will pull at you; but you make the choices you feel you must.
Expectations in Relationships
When we begin a job, we typically start from job descriptions, and clearly defined roles and responsibilities. We understand what is expected. As for our expectations in relationships, we tend to leave them open-ended, unexamined, or unarticulated; we don’t think this through, as if love will magically make everything okay.
We may exchange words on schedules and logistics, and even schedule sex when “life” squeezes spontaneity out of the picture. But what about attentiveness? The seemingly simple act of paying attention?
We don’t want to take the romance out of our romances, but assuming everything will be fine is a bad call. Ditto on assuming your spouse or loved one will understand. As I think about it, benign neglect is like a tacit violation of an unspoken contract in emotional give-and-take, and one in which we don’t explicitly discuss the terms. Instead, if we don’t get attention, we internalize, we pout, we ignore, we self-anesthetize, we get sick, we get angry, we detach.
Or worse.
Naturally, none of this is healthy for the relationship. We know we can’t negotiate everything in advance; we can’t possibly predict the unknown. Something as straightforward as a six-week period in which 14-hour or 16-hour work days are the norm seems as if it would be weathered easily. But if you’re the one expected to look on from the sidelines?
Maybe not.
Mutual Expectations
Should we have negotiated the details of my unavailability? Is my preoccupation with work interpreted as emotional distance? Should I communicate better or differently? Should I reset boundaries?
Even as I consider these options, I realize I could have adjusted expectations by stating “It’s likely that my next several weeks are going to mean very long days and weekends. I want you know that. And I expect to be done on this date.”
And if I couldn’t meet the due date? Then what?
I suppose I could sweeten the message by prefacing it with this: I love you. But does that really help?
During this period, there was an evening when a phone call came in and I spent 20 minutes listening and nodding — yes, the call interrupted my schedule, but it was an important connection I need to maintain — my generally patient partner was miffed. I gave a phone call more time than I had given him over dinner.
I was exasperated. “I’m up against difficult deadlines and I’m going around the clock,” I said.
Hours later, it occurred to me that my schedule was less apparent than I thought. He was asleep when I was checking my cell phone for emails at 1 am, and again at 5 or 6; he was asleep on the weekend when I dragged myself up hours before he woke, and I settled in front of my laptop. He wasn’t entirely aware of the hours I was working. Likewise, I wasn’t fully cognizant of how hurtful it can be on the receiving end of so little.
Empathy, Clarity, Reality
As for my deadlines, fortunately, they’re behind me. I’m back to something more acceptable, and I hope I can stick to it. I’m clear on the distance that results when I’m cranking through 14-hour days. At the very least, if I anticipate a need to do so again, I should put myself in my partner’s shoes, try to set expectations, but also remember what is most important in life — relationships that last; the people we consider family.
I won’t say there weren’t moments when a modest measure of guilt tripping slipped out — on his part and on mine. But clarity, as I was in the final stretch and communicating my progress, helped me feel less guilty that I wasn’t pulling my weight with domestic tasks, that I wasn’t chatty over dinner, that I was immersed in work throughout five consecutive weekends.
While I don’t believe that we should change ourselves for someone we love, that doesn’t mean we can’t learn from the observations of those closest to us, take their expectations into account, and compromise when it’s possible. When I’m deep in my projects and butting up against a deadline, I’m not amenable to discussion. Besides, I can be dreadful at compromise when immersed in my work! Shall we say… there’s plenty of room for improvement on that score?
Happily, the crazy period is done — for now. But my reality does include assignments that require pulling out all the stops, and meeting commitments is a matter of the need to earn my keep. The question is — how to survive these periods without testing our relationships?
Do you keep a different schedule from your spouse or your partner? When you’re both under pressure at work, does the relationship suffer? Are you good at communicating through challenging periods?
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You always sound like you’re running flat out for your work. I used to think being a freelance writer sounded wonderful until I found your blog. It sounds more like slavery to me now. I know we all have the tendency to exaggerate how busy we are these days – society seems to expect us to be that way. I can’t tell if yours is a bit of embellishment or the like. Is there ever a time when you put the computer/phone down and just look at talk with him? Take a holiday, even if it’s at home? Re-evaluate your standard of living so you don’t need so much money?
From my own experience I know I can be patient with a tough situation for quite a while. However, when I’ve looked back over years of being disappointed, hurt, left out and it looked like that realistically would be the pattern for the future, I left. I realised that his hunting, fishing, camping, target practice, hanging out with the guys was his priority, not being with me. I was tired of being a single step-mom every weekend, the live in babysitter that cooked, did laundry, brought home a bigger paycheck so he could relax a bit. Your distraction is work, not play, and I know you need to make money, but your partner may come to feel same as I did. I didn’t ask my husband to change, I didn’t even explain why I wanted a divorce. I didn’t want him to give up something he loved to be with me, he would only resent me for it. He thought it was about money, and it’s true there were issues, but they were minor for me compared with not feeling like he really wanted to be with me. I agree that one shouldn’t change themselves for someone else, however I think if we value a relationship we need to be the very best partner we can be. Sometimes being that best partner means changing.
Flat out is indeed the norm, Shelley, and has been since layoff from the corporate world and divorce coincided in my life, more than a decade ago. Without social benefits and without an employment relationship to provide some sort of “cover,” for many of us, there is no letting up. Ever. There is no (pretense of) security. Ever.
This is a common reality in the US.
There was an interesting article in today’s paper, albeit in the context of an app in development. The term used was “income volatility,” and along with that, a paragraph I will cite from “Balancing Act” in The New York Times (the title given in the print version).
“… factors [that] contribute to growing volatility: the rise of the sharing and freelance economies, and thus the growing ranks of workers making benefits-free livings as Uber drivers or graphic designers; the absence of paid sick leave, which can turn a single day lost to illness into a financial crisis; the way employers like Staples order employees not to exceed the number of weekly hours that would give them full-time status and entitle them to benefits; the migration of salaried people to hourly work when hard times bring what the people in suits call “right-sizing.””
I am one of millions, and freelance writing / editing is just one aspect of what I do to pay my bills. With what writers are paid these days, were it my only source of income, I would’ve been homeless years ago. Fortunately, I had (and continue to develop) other skills and experience. That said, your points are well taken. No one wants to feel neglected, whatever the reasons.
We are coming to the end of such a season right now. My husband has a demanding “full time” position, but is also a high school soccer coach. Therefore, during soccer season he has daily practice and games. He is pushed to the limit with his regular job, but able to ‘shut down’ at some point on the weekend and late evening. During soccer season, there is never a shut off valve.
It is hard for me as the spouse, but it helps so much to know there is an end-date (for us it is next week WAHOO!). It helps that he reminds me he sees me picking up the extra slack at home, with the children (his and mine), and the basic daily tasks of life. With his words he shares his appreciation but there are some days when I just have to speak up and let him know I need help with the dishes, the laundry or the to escape for a lunch date. Also, we look forward to a getaway just after the season for the two of us (just overnight to Atlanta). These little touch points get us through.
BUT – I would not be willing to live this way indefinitely. It is lonely and isolating. We have to work to remember that we are a team. If I didn’t over-communicate, he wouldn’t be a part of the family dynamic during this time.
Wise words, Missy. Thank you.
We also have been through an intense time. My husband trialed a new job. It was supposed to be for a month but it turned into almost 4. He was working 70 hour weeks and 6 days a week. We saw each other on Sundays and on Wednesday evenings for our date night. I had to take over many house jobs plus prepare meals for him as he was eating at his desk for lunch and dinners. He had a steep learning curve for new ways, processes and getting used to new personalities. I helped him in every way I could. It is the job he wanted to be able to do for the last few years before he retires early. And he got the job!
Now that things are a little less intense for him, he is home on weekends. But I have an obligation to my work to work 2 weekend days per week. I seemed to be able to handle all those Saturdays and weeknights alone much better than he is able to handle my 2 Saturdays a month away. It most definitely is in our personalities. But I wonder if there is some inherent male/female response to this experience.
Interesting points, Lunaboogie. Most of the women I know have always juggled paying work and family; the “work week” is far longer than that of the other parent (if still present), and consequently, periods of time alone (or even benign neglect?) are welcome, rather than a source of resentment. I do think you’re right that personalities figure into the picture, and also, it shifts when children are grown.
I would be curious to know how others – men and women both – would respond to the situation you describe, and each on their own for that amount of time.