Choices. We all want them, don’t we? But what if we feel that our choices are limited as we grow older and our lives become more time and budget-constrained? What if we are assuming fewer choices, and we have more options than we think?
I don’t just mean the freedom to choose what we do for an afternoon, or where we’ll go on vacation, or whether we’ll take on a new project at the office — or maybe position ourselves for a promotion. I mean options that are pertinent to the way we spend our days, especially if over time, we begin to feel trapped — juggling madly to chauffeur the kids to school and ourselves to work, or managing the caretaking of an elder parent along with all the other household and bread-winning tasks.
Sometimes, we’re so busy and caught up in our perceptions of ourselves and our worlds and our responsibilities, that we’re convinced we have little alternative but to keep on keeping on… continuing to do whatever we are and have been doing… even if it is slowly draining us of energy, enthusiasm, creativity, optimism.
We find ourselves doing what we can to think positive, but we’re mired in the same schedules, same jobs, same relationships, same locations… same old same old until we feel old as a result.
Are You Narrowing Your Options Without Knowing It?
At times, I’m aware that I am narrowing my choices; this may be out of fatigue or an unanticipated time crunch, or it may be a habit that I need to examine.
At times, I’m too isolated to realize that I can reach out and ask someone else for an opinion or a hand. Isolation can breed more isolation.
At times, I simply don’t recognize that if I take steps back and view a situation from a different angle, that process might reveal an expanded set of possibilities.
In a recent discussion over options, how much we do (and don’t) control in our lives, and how we respond to the patchwork of real world choices that exist, I found myself revisiting the way I approach problem-solving. I am also looking at the way I approach good happenings in my life, and how I might use them more powerfully and yet — realistically.
Ah, Balance…
While I am a believer in visualizing what you want, I am also pragmatic about the sort of practicalities we all must deal with. For example, at 5 feet tall I’m not likely to be a basketball player or an astronaut. Then again, I don’t want to be either.
Another example? At the half-century mark, I’m not going to be comfortable dating a 20-something. A 40-something? Different story.
But what if I think I’m stuck in a particular job situation, an ambiguous relationship, or even in a health quandary where the best path isn’t clear? What if I feel like I can’t get out? How much is real and how much is assumed? Are there obstacles that I am creating for myself? Are the obstacles real? If all I see is that I cannot go straight through, and nor can I navigate around to the right or to the left, might dealing with obstacles seem easier if I enlist some help?
Could a different perspective allow me to see that I can fly over or burrow under, or possibly turn my back on the obstacle and take a different path? What if I can melt the obstacle with a realization that it isn’t an obstacle at all?
What if we all have more options then we see when we’re stressed or tired or isolated, and especially when we don’t ask for an assist?
Too Many Choices? Help!
Of course, too many choices can be paralyzing. These days, I find myself traumatized in the dairy aisle! I am in a state of annoyed befuddlement at the supermarket every time I want to buy yogurt. The options are mind-boggling. No fat? Low fat? Greek? Icelandic? Whose organic should I choose? What cultures should I focus on?
When presented with an overwhelming set of options — Yoplait, Chobani, Stonybrook, 365, Oikos, Dannon… eek! I can feel my brain bordering on a short circuit!
Then again, when presented with six options for where to go to college (and they’re all good), might the relieved student secretly wish there were fewer to choose from? Or for that matter, if trying to decide among four great job offers? Wouldn’t we all like to have those problems?
As for the optimal number of options for each of us, clearly that depends on context and individual. If it’s something life-altering like staying in an unsatisfying job, an unhappy marriage, a city where you don’t feel like you fit — it’s helpful to weigh the pros and cons. In writing them down, we often discover we have a greater number of alternatives than we thought, including gathering more information, making smaller incremental changes (easier to reverse), or identifying those possible “collaborators” in our efforts to look at challenges with fresh insight.
You May Also Enjoy
I listened to a TED talk a while back regarding choices. The speaker pointed out the obvious limitations as to be completely overwhelmed facing bottle upon bottle of olive oil. In addition he mentioned that people tend to make better retirement decisions when having fewer options offered as opposed to a larger variety of ‘individual’ plans. The speaker concluded that we are also happier with our choices when we have fewer options. It seems that we feel that there is something more perfect just around the corner when we have too many choices that are available.
Interesting… Your comment reminds me of the abundance of (too many) choices when it comes to online dating.
That is interesting. I am wondering about the psychology of this. Is it too confusing, anxiety, uncertainty, etc
In some instances (the yogurt example), it seems to me that we’re dealing with confusion, yes. But also, a disproportionate number of options for the item/selection to be made. And… the time involved.
Making an informed choice among 30 options is far more effort/time than among three.
I admit I keep checking for new daily plates, but in the meantime I’ve decided to wander through this treasure trove. And I hope you know how rich it is and how so many of your posts have made a difference to me. I so appreciate your thoughtful presentations of life’s challenges, whims, ups, and downs and lots in between. For this particular post, I agree, as I’ve gotten older I’ve begun to figure out that when I feel like I must trudge along, I realize that if I take a step back and look at the obstacle(s), there are so many other ways to view it and I can respond rather than react, I can take a breath. I think we become wired to react or just deal with things and we don’t have to march through our lives that way. Too many options? Well, that is a challenge for another day (during covid).
You are most kind, Judi, and your words are more appreciated than I can possibly express. I have written a half dozen drafts in these past months but never posted them. It is extremely difficult to know what to say when there is so much turmoil, pain, and legitimate outrage all around us in the US, for so many reasons. So I have kept mum, trying to get through my own daily ups and downs in an extended state of disquiet. I know that my worry, concerns, and sense of disconnection without the ability to interact with friends and family “IRL“ are replicated tens of thousands of times, if not more, across this nation. Theoretically I could share my thoughts on that, on how I am managing to get through from day to day in the hope that my words may be of some usefulness or interest. But I simply don’t know if that is the case – that anything I could possibly say would be useful or of interest. Nor do I know if it is worth the time and effort, which is considerable when I post anything, to pick up my virtual pen once again. (That probably sounds terrible and I’m sorry about that.)
I don’t wish to be negative; on the other hand, I don’t wish to be inauthentic or dismissive of the terrible period of time that millions of people are enduring as a result of Covid-19. Nor do I feel up to the challenge of offering any words of wisdom about the appalling systemic racial injustice that has plagued this nation since its inception, and the despicable, disgraceful behavior of number 45 in this regard as well as coronavirus and so many other critical aspects affecting us. I wish I were up to the task; I am not.
The subject of choices and options? Any related discussion seems like another lifetime. Even so, “every day is a choice“ remains one of my favorite mantras that I try to hang onto (preferably) for the better.
These words aside, what you say about the “treasure trove“ of more than 10 years of nearly daily writing pleases me immensely. Thank you so much for your kindness in leaving your comment.
I hope this finds you safe and well, and that you will pop back and visit. I will try to gin up a little energy to post something sometime in the near future.