Obsessing Over Someone You Love (But Can’t Have)

Have you ever been in love to the point of obsession? Have you ever obsessed over someone you love but couldn’t have, and you just couldn’t stop yourself?

You may not have risen (or fallen) to Fatal Attraction mode, and thank goodness, but when it comes to love, to loving someone unattainable, to loving the idea of someone you know or hope to know or once knew — do you know when enough is enough?

At what point does exquisite yearning transform into unhealthy obsession?

If you’ve “loved and lost,” do you know when to accept that it’s over?

Some of us are more inclined to obsess than others — over almost anything. What makes one person more obsessive about a lost love? What are the ingredients and signs of this sort of passion in extremis?

Obsessive People, Obsessive Behaviors, OCD

It’s helpful to understand the many ways the word “obsessive” is commonly used.

When Jack Nicholson played the role of an obsessive-compulsive novelist in “As Good As It Gets,” his rituals were fascinating. They included routines for putting on his bedroom slippers (tap-tap-tapping on either side of them with his toes first), for hopscotching and side-stepping his way along the sidewalk (to avoid cracks), and managing an impressive array of door locks.

For those who suffer from OCD, repetition of a sequence of behaviors eases anxiety, albeit temporarily, and the inability to follow these rituals ratchets up feelings of distress.

The Mayo Clinic describes OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) this way.

… (OCD) is characterized by unreasonable thoughts and fears (obsessions) that lead you to do repetitive behaviors (compulsions)… you may or may not realize that your obsessions aren’t reasonable… Ultimately, you feel driven to perform compulsive acts in an effort to ease your stressful feelings.

Psychology Today offers these insights into OCD:

… Unwanted repetitive behaviors and thoughts afflict about 2 percent of the population… OCD affects about 2.2 million American adults…

… A person’s level of OCD can be anywhere from mild to severe, but if severe and left untreated, it can destroy a person’s capacity to function at work, at school or even to lead a comfortable existence in the home.

Obsessing Over…

Obsessions in this medical-psychological context are different from the “everyday” obsessions most of us might cop to… including obsessing over love.

Dictionary.com’s definition of obsession of the non-medical sort gives us this:

the domination of one’s thoughts or feelings by a persistent idea, image, desire, etc.

Some of us obsess over body image, over one particular (offending) body part, over what we eat or drink, over the latest wrinkles, over sex, over lack of sex, over our work, over lack of recognition in our work, over money, over a beautiful home, over our social media feeds, over our accumulation of followers and fans and friends, over the object of our affections — tangible or inaccessible.

We are preoccupied to the max and constantly; but only when that preoccupation is to the detriment of normal functioning does it truly qualify as obsession. Then, we had better be aware that it’s time to disconnect, and find our way back to healthier behaviors and real world relationships.

As for why we obsess over some things and people and not over others, is that a matter of taste? Of seeds planted in childhood?

Passionate vs. Obsessive

I’ve known women who imagine (and obsess over) their as-yet-unmet Prince Charmings, as they spin their futures with what I might deem “persistent” images, thoughts, and desires.

I’ve known women who fall under the spell of someone they encounter online, and their feelings of connection lead them into emotional affairs that they obsess over, and that never live up to expectations. And really, how could they?

Are these examples of the folly and pleasure that are typical when we fall in love? When does infatuation morph into passion, and how do we know when passion is bleeding into the danger zone of harmful preoccupation? Are we more likely to become obsessed by the person who is out of reach instead of the one we get to know in reality, who then slips off his or her pedestal?

ISV Magazine provides a definition of obsession that fits the bill whether we’re speaking of the brilliant and caring guy we’ve been getting to know on Facebook or a need to spend two hours daily online shopping. And the definition is this:

… constant focus of energy on something or someone to the point that it causes harmful consequences in the obsessed person’s life…

If we assume a sort of spectrum that runs from interest to passion to obsession, interest is good (or neutral), passion is terrific (especially if reciprocated), but obsession is, by definition, a problem in its all-consuming power, its distortion of our reasoned perspectives, and the potential damage to oneself and possibly others.

The Origins of Obsession

I am trying to figure out if I have ever been “obsessed” by someone in the truest sense of the word. I believe the answer is no, though I have been mesmerized, madly in love, and like most of us, deeply hurt. But obsessed? Preoccupied to the point of crazy love and crazy ideas and crazy images and crazy actions?

No. And glad of it. Only once did I even come close, when a relationship ended unexpectedly.

The ISV article continues with this perspective on what they call the “obsession trap:”

The roots of most obsessions come up when people are trying to fill a sense of emptiness in their lives. Some people are obsessed after having lost someone, so they obsess over something that reminds them of the lost person. It usually stems from not being able to accept loss…

That explanation makes a great deal of sense. In looking back over the years, I was at my most vulnerable (and likely to tip toward limerence) after an extreme emotional loss. Don’t we create something from nothing when we need to believe?

Signs You’re Obsessing Over an Ex

While I have never obsessed over a man (in my own estimation), I have known women to spy on the object of their affection out of a strange mix of curiosity and jealousy, unable to get over an ex. I have known women to be so overwhelmed by their feelings – positive or negative – as to talk endlessly about an ex, surround themselves with his pictures, imagine rekindling though it’s impossible, compare every other man to him, cyber-stalk him, and in general be utterly unable to disconnect.

It’s even more sad to observe (and experience) when you feel it, he doesn’t, you know it, but you can’t quite cut off the flow of feelings. You may tell yourself you’re simply “mourning” the relationship, but it’s more.

Obsessed?

You bet.

Other signs you are obsessed over a man are described by All Women’s Talk, and include:

• Not only following his doings on social media, but following his friends
• Dreaming of marrying him (realistic or not) to the point of bridal mags and viewing rings
• Imagining you see him around every corner
• Carrying on conversations with him in your head

Now don’t think that “maturity” will prevent you from falling prey to a little romantic obsession. Remember: It takes root in a void of some sort, an emotional void can occur at any stage in life, and we know that nature abhors a vacuum.

Ways to Get Over Someone (You’re Crazy About)

So just how do you get over someone who pops into your mind every five minutes, whom you think you see in the otherwise faceless crowd, who occupies your dreaming and daydreaming hours?

Friends will suggest going out with someone else, keeping busy, socializing as much as possible, and the ever popular “just move on” or “just get over it.” I’ve rarely found those last remarks to be useful advice.

This article on getting over someone provides more tangible suggestions, including:

• Asking yourself why you’re still hanging on, i.e., constructive introspection
• Being specific in recalling if the object of your affections was good (or bad) to you
• Working on your own self-esteem
• Removing pictures or other reminders from daily view

Moreover, the article tells us “removing is different from destroying.” That is a brilliant statement, and one most of us would overlook, me included. During and after my divorce, friends advised me to destroy belongings that reminded me of my marriage and my ex.

I could never do it. It felt wrong. And it was certainly wrong considering there were two little boys in the house who still loved their father.

Instead, I allowed my sons whatever pictures of their dad they wanted in their rooms, and I packed all of my mementos away. Out of sight… eventually, out of mind. And I have done the same on other occasions when I have “loved and lost,” putting pictures and once treasured reminders away.

Are You Obsessive?

I’m happy to say that I am not OCD; I imagine it must be a challenging life in so many ways. That said, I have my little compulsions and rituals that help me feel safe — superstitions if you will — as I imagine you do.

I have been known to obsess over my writing. (I admit it.) And in similar fashion, I have had periods in my career when I have been so immersed in a project as to qualify for the obsessive definition, without a doubt. Fortunately, these tendencies are limited and specific, and I monitor myself to keep them in check.

The last time I came close to obsessing about a man was when I was unceremoniously dumped by someone I loved (and thought I might marry). I was in my twenties at the time, we had been dating for a year, I was under the impression we were both of the same mind, and I never saw it coming. I spent the next 180 days and nights visibly grieving, replaying our final conversations, imagining new ones, waiting for the phone to ring, certain he would call and want me back, terrified he wouldn’t (and he didn’t), and crying to my best friend.

What helped? Talking (with that bestie who couldn’t have been more fantastic), along with tears, more tears, miles of walking, more miles, and time.

• Are you obsessive about people, places, your work, your house, your kids… your something?
• Are you less obsessive than you once were? What changed you?
• Do you enjoy obsessing about a new love interest, or for that matter, a “someday” figure you create in your head?

You May Also Enjoy

• You Feel It. He Doesn’t.

• Is Infidelity Ever OK?

• Thoughts on Emotional and Sexual Intimacy

• Get Back Together Or… “When I’m Done, I’m Done”