How many of us are growing older alone? How many of us are concerned over aging solo, with family members — if we have them at all — living at too great a distance to be of use, emotionally or logistically?
How many of us try to deny the fear of what we imagine is coming?
Naturally, there are periods of time when we navigate our lives as singles, and we do so beyond the stage of starry-eyed and fresh-faced enthusiasm. For example, we may find ourselves going it alone following the death of a spouse or divorce. We may spend a few years on our own as a result, then pair up again or, depending on circumstances, move in with family.
But what about those who don’t?
Some feel security in the institution of marriage. After all, it’s the most revered of our commitments and offers public recognition of our status as a couple.
However, some of us who have been through divorce understand that marriages can easily unravel and dissolve. Consequently, our notions of “permanence” are irrevocably changed. Nonetheless, we may feel stability in our relationships, even without the sanction of legal marriage although, having lived through the breakup of domestic life once (or possibly more), we experience a different reality when considering life as a couple. And likewise, when pondering life on our own.
Life on Your Own. REALLY on Your Own.
A recent comment from a reader encourages me to revisit the issue of living alone, and being alone. These are topics that I have touched on from time to time, in terms of marital options as well as circumstances.
She writes:
… I lost both my parents 4 years ago and this year, at age 50, my husband left me for another woman. We had no children. Additionally, I’m an only child.
While I’ve always been pretty independent, the complete lack of immediate family has left me at times frightened in ways I never could have imagined. I cope by trying as hard as I can to rebuild a family-like structure with friends old and new, and to live in the moment whenever possible. But there’s no getting around the fact my life – and my perspective – is forever changed. The loneliness can be overwhelming and so difficult to express to well-meaning friends. My only hope is to work through it and hope the pain lessens over time.
Can’t we empathize?
I sure can.
Of course, many of us live alone and like it; I am one of them, though I live with someone at present. (Believe me, the adjustments have been many, and are ongoing.) Yet I also face a likelihood that I will be an older woman alone at some future point – given that I’ve never remarried, my family is tiny, and I am an “older” mother of sons.
Like most women, I will have fewer economic resources than my ex to sustain a decent life, fewer resources than male friends, fewer resources than married friends. And that doesn’t begin to address the issues of physical or emotional well-being.
Interpreting Data Through a Personal Lens
The Huffington Post addresses the issue of aging women living alone in a positive light, and has this to say:
Whether by choice or chance, the number of older women living alone is increasing. In fact, according to the Administration on Aging, 37% of women in the U.S. over 65 live by themselves. More importantly, the majority of these women are happy living alone and wouldn’t want to live any other way.
Incidentally, looking at the marital status of our aging population, the Administration for Community Living tells us:
… In 2013, older men were much more likely to be married than older women–71% of men, 45% of women… There were more than three times as many widows (8.7 million) as widowers (2.3 million)… Divorced and separated (including married/spouse absent) older persons represented only 13% of all older persons in 2013. However, this percentage has increased since 1980, when approximately 5.3% of the older population were divorced or separated/spouse absent.
So what good is this data? What interpretation do we bring to it as individuals, family members, friends or neighbors? Is that different from any “policy” viewpoints as a society – if we even take time to consider them?
Aging and Elderly “Subgroups”
2013 census data estimates roughly 44.5 million people in the U.S. who are 65 or over. That’s a big number, don’t you think? But isn’t there a huge difference in the lifestyle of a 65-year old and an 80-year old? Male or female, married or unmarried?
This source divides our older citizens into the young old (65-74), the old (74-84), and the oldest old (85+) – an intriguing way to view our needs, likely with greater relevance.
While this Social Security Administration report is less current than I might like (2007), it addresses a particular segment of our aging population, and highlights concerns in what it refers to as an “understudied subgroup of the elderly” – namely, those who have never married, as well as those who have divorced. Among other things, economic vulnerability is referenced. After all, women earn less, their economic lives are often interrupted by motherhood, and their social security earnings are significantly impacted.
The report notes:
A growing body of economic, sociological, and demographic research has highlighted an association between marital status and adult well-being. A moderate-to-strong relationship has been found between marital status and an individual’s economic resources… However, a comparatively small amount of the literature has focused specifically on the elderly population and differences among the unmarried elderly — individuals who have never married or are divorced or widowed — are even less examined…
Aging in America Hurts
Aging in this country is a bitch, and I use that expression intentionally. It’s a bitch, especially if you’re a woman, as the appearance of youth and appearance, in general, seem to be a lingering (and persistent) measure of our self-esteem and value, impacting both earning and social opportunities. This is not to diminish the loneliness and losses that men who are alone may feel. Still, our culture remains extremely challenging for older women in key respects, including the lower social security earnings just mentioned.
Sure, we benefit from life lessons and growing wisdom, and I am the first to say those matter – and reinforce the comfort that may come with a few years.
Attitude helps immeasurably as well, as we may begin to focus on different types of success: We move beyond child-rearing to pursue entrepreneurship; we make space for an artistic pursuit; or we sell a home to afford adventures in travel.
But we also process loss – the spouse who has left, the career that has abandoned us, the face we cease to recognize. This last is exacerbated for women in certain regions and certain circles; most of us do fine, though we admit to a degree of periodic grieving.
Loneliness Hurts, Too
Like many of us, I am no stranger to loneliness. It is always worsened if we are hurting, whatever the reason. And while alone time is good – more so for some of us than others – isolation is another matter entirely.
Among other things, social skills critical to connecting, personally and professionally, may grow dangerously rusty. And we isolate ourselves further.
Why are we so reluctant to admit when we’re feeling painfully alone? Why can’t we fess up to times when we’re lonely and scared? Why does this stigma persist?
Of course, there are health considerations around loneliness, as studies point out, citing statistics that encourage us to travel in pairs and preferably, marry. (I do wonder if these are statistics based on male health, rather than both sexes; my observation is that marriage does wonders for men, and for women… not so much.)
As we approach the holiday season, loneliness seems most piercing. It is reinforced by media imagery, by foodstuffs in our grocery stores, and by the bustling energies of those who are not on their own and are making plans for a festive (or at least, busy) season.
It Could Be You. It Could Be Me.
Can we remember how little we know these days about our neighbors? Can we acknowledge that even those we interact with online do not necessarily reveal the texture of their daily lives? The lonely woman or man at 50 or 60 or 80… couldn’t that be you, or me, depending on the circumstances?
If not today, might that be you or me next month or next year?
We live in an era when leaving for something ‘better,’ newer, shinier is remarkably common.
All the more reason to glance up from our hectic lives – solo, in pairs, or in groups – and be aware of the experience that others are living. Whether they are in excellent health (and lonely), aging (and lonely), troubled (and lonely) – living on their own and happy about it, or living on their own and secretly lonely – or any mix of the above. Isn’t this a reminder of the need to create more fluid communities that include friends, neighbors, extended family – rather than relying on a now outmoded model of “growing old together” along with grandchildren gathered ’round?
A pretty picture?
Sure. I think it is. But realistic? Not exactly. So let’s do what caring adults do – pay attention, reach out, stay flexible.
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You do spend your days thinking happy thoughts, don’t you? Unlike finances or fitness, both of which I can do something about now in order to hopefully help myself in future, I can’t put worry or grief in the bank to save myself the trouble in future. Women do tend to live longer than men and I fully ‘expect’ to have some lonely years at some point, but aside from accepting the natural order of things I don’t see what I can do about it. Bill and I agree that the first one to go ‘wins’; it is the other who has to cope with the loss, with getting on with life. I think I can probably cope better than he with being alone. Then again Bill has his children who will likely help him a little, if they aren’t too busy with their own lives. Between craft groups and coffee mornings around here there are plenty of opportunities to make friends. Being lonely is something everyone has to deal with at some point, being alone is optional. House sharing around here is not uncommon, but I do like my own private space.
I know life in America is different (thank goodness I escaped). We recently went on holiday with an old friend and her husband. She was telling me about having had ‘eyeliner’ tattooed on her eyelids. I tried not to show it, but I was shocked by that. She’s a very sweet, quite attractive woman just turned 60 and I’m appalled that she felt the need to do this. I really thought she should change her friends, her husband if necessary, whatever pressured her to do such a thing at her age, to flush them down the loo! Your statement “…especially if you’re a woman, as the appearance of youth (and appearance in general) seems to be a lingering (and persistent) measure of our self-esteem and value” is also alarming. Surely the gift of aging is to be freed from the tiny prison of trying to please everyone by being pretty? I try to look like a woman who has self respect. I don’t care any more to be thought pretty and I certainly don’t wish to pass for someone of child-bearing age. I’d prefer to be admired for my character, my kindness and maybe even occasionally for my brains.
I think as women age they need to find new role models, ones who think and do instead of pose. I see lots of older women walking past my house; no airbrushing there. They make me think that it is good to keep moving, to keep strong. When I can’t be strong I shall be determined. When that goes I suspect I shall be ready to be done.
Shelley, I do think it is still significantly different in the US than in Europe, when it comes to age bias imposed on women. This isn’t to say that it doesn’t exist elsewhere, but it is pervasive here – in every form of media, in our grocery stores, our pharmacies, our approach to dating – even if you’re in a second chapter (or third). The pressures are extreme – or can be. And they aren’t subtle.
Other factors that are significant – We do not have universal health care (which means we need money to pay for health care, which means a job that pays enough, independent work that pays enough, a job with benefits). Therefore, we need to be able to get those gigs and jobs, and ageism in the marketplace certainly exists, so to look younger is critical to competing.
My sister and I have long determined that when we are older, we will attempt to be next door neighbors. We both have husbands, and three children each, but we acknowledge we are likely to be alone to some degree. We met next-door-neighbor sister when we were in college and we seriously desire to repeat their pattern if/when the rest of our immediate family move onto other ventures.
This is a lovely idea, Missy. And for those of us who do not have family, perhaps we could put into practice the same approach – if at all possible – but with friends that we treat as family.
Some friends are closer to us that family.
I am a never married with no child and that has been my thoughts …. hoping that will work!
This speaks to me, and could not have come at a better time, as the holidays approach, the darkness sets in earlier each day, and my mood darkens along with the light. At age 63, I have been a widow for seven years, and this year has been the worst. I am blessed with good friends, two homes (one in NYC where I lived for 30 years), sufficient means, and decent health. With just one daughter, nearly 21, about to move to Rome for a semester, I am in a state of near panic. It is increasingly difficult to explain to friends what it is like to face old age alone, after 30 years of a relatively good marriage, and very little family. I do not long for marriage, having witnessed my father, widowed at 65, make four terrible marriages in the decade he had left, because he simply could not be alone. Each day requires reinvention and a search for meaningful ways to give back, in my case, through volunteer work involving educating Afghan women in the U.S., and most recently, a middle school in the Bronx. I have found that this is the answer: to stay connected with others. Thank you for this daily dose of compassion!
Thank you for reading and commenting, Elizabeth. It’s lovely to have you here.
I have found that S.A.D. with its darkening moods impacts my winter season. I hope you can find some relief; it certainly helps. This is one of the reasons I left the North some years back, and headed south for more light.
As for the fears you mention, I certainly understand. And this is one of the downsides to having our children when we are a bit older. Naturally, we’re thrilled to have them, and we never anticipate where we find ourselves (of course), but we are facing significant changes – possibly on our own – as they are just beginning their lives on their own, as well they should.
As for seeking meaningful contributions, I say bravo and couldn’t agree more. For some of us, that is difficult (due to finances or health), which doesn’t preclude getting creative in how we go about stepping beyond our own needs and fears, and giving our time, care, and skills to others.
I hope you stop by again.
My mom faces this dilemma everyday. She lives alone, but in an apartment surrounded by her friends. There are days that work, but some that don’t.
Caring for aging parents in the US is difficult. In India, extended family is accessible and therefore they are present to cushion the loneliness.
We could certainly take lessons by looking beyond our borders, couldn’t we Rudri. Your mom is lucky to have those friends! And you!
Growing old alone with no wife and family for many of us good men is very sad for us. Many of us would’ve preferred to be married, and with so many women nowadays that are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, and very greedy this is the reason we can’t meet a good one today since many of us are not single by choice.
That holds true to us, women, as well.
As they say, you have a soulmate in this world and you are lucky to meet your soulmate in your lifetime. We are just among the unlucky ones…
Then again God punishes us in different ways but why the hell this way?
Do not look at it as punishment
I never thought of a relationship (opposite gender or friendship) as the goal of life. As I watch my married peers — not many of them are happy, with themselves and/or each other. Plus, even if the marriage is very good, one partner is going to die before the other, leaving one behind. I can’t imagine that kind of grief. I’m not willing to go through it. But then, as I said, I don’t care if I’m in a love relationship or not.
I think being alone is different for introverts and extroverts. As an introvert, yes, I get lonely at times, and once in a while — usually around the holidays — I get very lonely. But most of the time I find my own company just fine. This year is particularly hard to me because all my close friends (only 3) have died in the past 14-15 months, and I just broke up with my last long-time friend. In a lot of ways, I’m totally alone for the first time in my life. But I know I’ll feel much better after January 1. 🙂
However, how extroverts deal with being alone. You get energy from being around people (introverts get energy from being alone). So being old, alone and an extrovert would be extremely hard (I think). And I feel for you, because being old, alone and an introvert is hard at times.
I’m childless at 40 and worried that no one would take care of me in 20 years when I get sick
Well that is certainly the Worst thing in this world to have this happen to many of us that Never met the love of our life to share our life with even though many of us had been married at one time or another. It is very Sad to grow old all Alone when many of us Should’ve been all settled down with a family that many of us still Don’t have today unfortunately. It is like God has Definitely Punished many of us for No Reason at all since many of us Never did ask to be Born in the first place. And for the men and women out there that were Very Blessed finding Real Love with one another which they Certainly have so very much to be Very Thankful for especially when Most of them have their children as well. They Should really go to Church to thank God very much for having a Good Life that many of us Never had at all since they really have No Reason either to Complain at all as well. Then again which i Can certainly Blame the Kind of women that we now have out there that have Certainly made it Worse altogether since they’re Nothing at all like the Real Good old fashioned women were in the Past that Most of them at that time Really Did put these women today to Real Shame too. The type of women that we now have today has Completely Destroyed this world altogether since they’re very Greedy And Selfish more than ever and will Only want the Best of all and will Never Settle for Less at all which Clearly speaks for itself how the women of today have Really Changed for the Worst of all unfortunately today. So many of us Good men out there that Really wanted to get married to have a family Can Certainly Blame the women for this since many of us men were Never Single By Choice At All.