This question is dogging me: Why do women still struggle with their own success?
Or, as it appears in a very short post on Forbes with an accompanying video on leadership, “Do Women Hold Themselves Back From Success?”
Citing a study and its findings that of “somewhat happy or happy women” who participated, “only one in four believe they are extremely or very successful,” I’m bothered by terminology that is not clarified, namely “happiness” and “success.”
However, I’m pleased that we continue to air these topics because they are far from resolved, and we can learn by revisiting them from a variety of angles.
While you (or I) may dispute the validity of almost any survey or study as well as its applicability on a broad scale, we can’t deny the reality of the gender pay gap, that women carry the lion’s share of domestic responsibilities while working, and that women frequently don’t feel good about themselves – or more specifically, “good enough.”
Have women made strides? Sure. A long way to go? You bet.
Self-Sabotage, or Something More?
However we define our terms, success may be seen as a combination of personal and professional achievement. This may be a healthy, functioning family to some, a high standard of living for others, or power from holding positions of influence, not to mention the overtly quantifiable and material – income, assets, square footage, and so on.
Perhaps it is as “simple” as a well-paid job you love, using your skills to their fullest, and a caring, supportive family. Can you even imagine that – as a woman? Now turn it around. How many men do you know who could attest to living at least two out of those three?
With all the strides women have made – why haven’t we accomplished more? Why are the Mommy Wars hotter than ever? Why are we still conflicted, and downplaying the achievements we manage to earn? Is this truly a confidence gap, inadvertent self-sabotage, an element of male-female relationships, or something so deeply rooted in so many aspects of culture that we are generations away from eradicating this phenomenon?
You may recall The Atlantic article on the Confidence Gap between men and women that continues to exist. Self-assurance is correlated to success, and despite strides made we are reminded:
Half a century since women first forced open the boardroom doors, our career trajectories still look very different from men’s.
The culprit? At least in part, an “acute lack of self-confidence” which is further explained:
… there is a particular crisis for women — a vast confidence gap that separates the sexes. Compared with men, women don’t consider themselves as ready for promotions, they predict they’ll do worse on tests, and they generally underestimate their abilities. This disparity stems from factors ranging from upbringing to biology.
I highly recommend the article if you haven’t read it.
Men and Women Defining Success
In a July 2014 article, Dr. Peggy Drexler takes on “How Women Define Success” and it may not surprise you. It may also provide clues to why women minimize “traditional success” in lieu of other aspects of our lives. She writes:
… when women talk about success, they talk about the importance of relationships and feeling valued. Men focus more on material success.
And yet, there may be more similarities than differences, as she cites a study by consulting firm Accenture:
… More than two thirds of females — and the same number of males — surveyed felt they could “have it all.” More than half turned down a job due to concerns about its impact on work-life balance. Both genders, meanwhile, ranked the qualities of career success as work-life balance first, followed by money, recognition, and autonomy.
Let’s not forget the existence of response bias, however. Dr. Drexler offers this:
… the surveys are flawed: women may say they value family over work, or work-life balance, because that’s what they think they should say.
If that is indeed the case, I remain concerned. Aren’t these the messages we’re putting out to young women and men through the media? Aren’t we shaping societal standards of success by reporting these findings, generally without further qualification, and deeming them “good?” Directly and indirectly, does the message complicate the Mommy Wars and reinforce women’s conflicts over “having it all” and what that means?
Men and Self-Esteem, Pressure on Couples
You may have read a press release about a year back from the American Psychological Association (APA) based on research published in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, informing us that a man’s self-esteem takes a hit when their female partner succeeds, “even when they are not in direct competition.” Are we downplaying our accomplishments as a result, or interpreting them as of lesser significance?
In fact, I commented on this myself, last year. At the time, as now, I remain struck by this, from the same research:
… The Netherlands boasts one of the smallest gender gaps in labor, education and politics, according to the United Nations’ Gender Equality Index. However, like American men, Dutch men who thought about their romantic partner’s success subconsciously felt worse about themselves than men who thought about their partner’s failure…
What gives?
Is biology more a factor than we think, and if so – then what?
Education in the Mix
On a related note, recently I was discussing secondary school education with a friend, and why girls may perform better academically under certain circumstances. I wondered about class participation, levels of confidence displayed, and whether or not adolescent girls still find themselves dumbing down – if at all. I have no data or conclusions to offer, but it was a fascinating conversation.
Having attended a co-ed public high school followed by an all-women’s college, during those years I was distinctly aware that my options were opening up and my self-confidence was soaring. While I was studying in an exceptional environment (Wellesley College), my recollections of that time include intellectual inspiration of a sort I had never known before, mixed with fierce competition.
And this: I felt greater freedom to compete, to be “smart,” to express my opinions, to strive for excellence, to win, to want to win, and to feel fantastic about winning.
There was no social pressure to act or feel otherwise. It was exhilarating.
In retrospect, that was the first time in my life I was able to fully focus on learning and achievement, no holds barred – which isn’t to say that I wasn’t a mess and unsure of myself in the ways that adolescents (of both sexes) usually are.
In that same-sex environment, I was also relatively unconcerned with appearance, which was helpful. Note that I say relatively; since the age of six, there has never been a period in my life when I was completely unfettered by worry over my physical self. Although looksism may not have been part of the vocabulary 30+ years ago, it existed in spades. I nonetheless felt exempt from dealing with it, five days a week anyway, as my academic experience was of the mind during the week, with Saturday and Sunday for socializing.
While my experience is only that – my experience – I was aware of the change in my attitude even while it was taking place, and in my career that followed. I had never considered myself as lacking confidence prior to that. Clearly, I was wrong.
“Not Good Enough”
There is no gender ownership on feelings of insecurity, and I contend that women are more likely to voice their insecurities than men. I also contend that women generally experience insecurity in ways that become so habitual that after a time, we don’t even question them.
We dismiss our successes with “I was lucky” or “I couldn’t have done it without the help of…” as we name team members, family members, those who provide support. We soften our language at every turn of a phrase – further undermining the authority we possess.
All of this is more than practiced good form; it is a prevailing sense that we aren’t really deserving of the honor, the award, the accomplishment, the attention.
I would like to think this tendency is on the wane, that younger women will be less inclined to suffer the burden of proving oneself “better than” in order to be “good enough” for the promotion, the book deal, the place in the proverbial sun. I would like to think that the requirement to look good (or good enough) will not be the invisible drag on a woman’s forward momentum, and her determination to pursue what she is good at. I am well aware of how media and society in general diminish various groups, and not only our young women.
Surely, we start at home – with our daughters, our mothers, our sisters – and we must not forget what we teach our sons – by virtue of our actions and likewise, our words.
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Recently, I was participating in an intuitive drawing practice, wherein I closed my eyes and made a line drawing wtih my non-dominant hand, after sending an intention or simply desiring clarity on an issue that’s important to me. Afterward the lines and shapes were analyzed – and besides many other insightful things in the “doodle” really – was the number 8 – over and over – the number 8. It was just one of the shapes that were interpreted but when learning that the number 8 signifies authority, abundance and prosperity – and my kneejerk reaction was, “me??” More than anything else I took from the exercise, was wondering why I questioned those descriptors at first glance? What am I telling myself subconsciously? What do we say when we speak to ourselves?
Going to check out the article you’ve linked to above.
Your point about our internal “self talk” is so important, Barbara. Somewhere along the way (when? for how many years?) we start diminishing or limiting ourselves. We don’t see ourselves as who we are, or can become, in the same unfettered ways as boys / men. I’d like to see that change, and if it is already beginning to change – faster, more pervasively, and not undermined by relationships in the workplace or the home.
That number 8? Sounds like an excellent sign of things to come! 🙂
Struggling with success. Oh, my. So many opportunities come my way that I resist and I wonder why. The idea of marketing myself is terrifying. I have always been a doer, not an organizer. I have trouble directing other people, asking for help and yet have no clue how to handle the organization and money pieces of having my own business or promoting my own project. I have the opportunity right now to write a book – but the idea of creating a blog, going on a book tour etc. etc. is overwhelming. At this point in my life I want to be winding down, not amping up. I have more time, now, due to my daughter being almost out of the nest, but less energy and less time left in my life to do those things I really want to do for myself. I find I stumble over my words when someone says to me, of course you are taking this presentation to the state and national conferences, aren’t you? Or, of course you will be writing a book about this, won’t you? My “project” appears to be very valuable – expressive therapy in helping the bereaved move through the pain of loss – and there is only so much giving in me. What do you do when everyone around you wants more and more?
I am in awe of a cousin of mine who, though poor and in and out of debt most of her life, has chosen to have her own businesses. She was raised by a couple who did have their own B and B business. She was brought up in that life. It was natural and not scary at all. What was distasteful to her was working for someone else, a company, and having to punch a time clock. She did that for a few years to get financially ahead, and then said never again. I was raised by parents who worked for the city and worked for a bank. The idea of being a good employee was drummed into me. Work hard for your employer and you will be rewarded with vacation pay, sick leave and a pension. They did not give me a worldly view of what options were open to me. Neither did the counselors at my blue collar high school. As much as we learn from and try to shake off various influences of our family, I am certain that this became so ingrained in me it continues to influence my choices.
And I wonder how much one’s personality comes into the picture. Those who are outgoing, who love to be the center of attention and who have ease with promoting themselves – they are the ones who seem to make it. I am on the introverted side. Even when I am congratulated for my efforts, I have a hard time with it. Just not comfortable being in the spotlight.
Is the answer to help those introverted ones find their voices? Is that what all girl schools succeed at? In all honesty, I can’t say my reticence had anything to do with being a girl in mixed classrooms. Nor can I say it was media directed at me. It was living in a constricted, blue collar life. I never knew there were other choices, other opportunities until I was well away from home. But by then, I already had my career path stretched out before me. A traditional one.
(By the way, I visited Wellesley last Fall as my daughter’s good friend is in her 3rd year there and we were passing through. What a beautiful campus – she took us on a tour. And how articulate and self assured all of the young women were who I met.)
There’s so much in your comments here, lunaboogie – I am tempted to take this subject further, walking down the many paths you lead us to consider. Those opportunities we tend to turn down (and rationalize?). The trade-offs we make when we do pursue what we love (debt?). Whether or not introversion is a factor – and why it is for some but not others. (I have certainly known women who are introverted in actuality, but highly successful.) I wonder how much the way we’ve been raised shapes us to take entrepreneurial risk or constrains us. (My dad was entrepreneurial, didn’t punch a clock, but there was never enough money. My mother raised me to go for the “salaried life” that did, for awhile, promise security.)
You raise many points. Much food for thought here. Thank you.