When I’m mad, you know it. When I’m worried, you know it. When I’m on top of the world, you can’t miss it!
As for my Man Friend?
While I’m not convinced we’re “opposites” exactly – there are many ways that we are different, not the least of which is the way we work, personal style, neatness around the house, and preferences for quiet time.
So why is it that opposites attract, and if they do, what keeps them together?
Naturally, we need to define our terms. Are we speaking of physical attributes or personality types? Do we include the fact that he may be a soccer fanatic and yours truly prefers reading references on treen? What about his demeanor that is measured in the face of unexpected events – Mr. Cool-Calm-and-Collected – when I’m ready to spit bullets, or for that matter, jump for joy?
Now don’t get me wrong. He’s an easygoing guy and can express exuberance. But he’s far more adept at displaying a neutral expression than I am. He also doesn’t sweat the small stuff, though I suspect he does (or once did) in certain situations.
The bottom line: His emotions are under control at times when I’m wearing mine on my sleeve. Then I wonder how he manages to avoid – or camouflage – the ruffled feathers and frustration I experience easily.
Opposites Attract
They say opposites attract. That’s a fairly sweeping statement, given that it covers everything from tall-short to fair-dark to extroverted-introverted… not to mention how we handle fury, jubilation, and every emotion in between.
Opposite (or differing) personalities in relationships are fascinating, don’t you think? Why is the quiet, conservative man drawn to the flashy, sassy non-conformist? Why is the woman of few words comfortably paired with Mr. Chatty? What about the stereotypical Narcissist who finds the audience he or she needs in a partner with tendencies to be overly giving?
Isn’t the answer in part a matter of finding something admirable in the other that we don’t possess ourselves? Is that too simplistic?
This reference at Web MD sums things up nicely, pointing out the logic that we can have opposite views, varying interests, and distinctly different personalities as we
… look for a complement, not someone identical…
Not only would too much “sameness” be boring, but wouldn’t it limit the variation that we as humans are capable of producing when we are engaged in reproducing?
Opposites? Not Exactly. Differences.
When it comes to good relationships that endure, my experience is that character, values, and libido must be in sync. Say what?
Think about it. If one of you is a stickler for rules and honesty, while the other replaces truth with creative non-fiction, no matter how great the chemistry is, eventually you’ll butt heads. That boyish (or girlish) “irresponsible charm?” That, too, will wear you down when Real Life requires a partner you can count on. She wants sex twice a day and he’s content with twice a month? Again, you’re in for a struggle – or a helluva negotiation process in the years to come.
And thus my usual refrain – repeat after me – character, values, and similar libido are essential ingredients for a shot at an enduring relationship.
Excitement? Mutual interest?
I believe you can retain those – with attentiveness, effort, and a sense of humor. But fundamentals are difficult to nudge (without major life events causing a person to pull a 180). So if so-called “opposites” seem to attract and share a lasting relationship – the Amazonian woman with the short man, the nerdy guy with the gregarious model – my money is on the existence of far more similarities of a core nature than we might suspect.
Why We Love the People We Love
I’ve never liked the notion of ones ‘other half;’ it implies that we are not whole into ourselves. Yet I understand the yin and yang that lends compatibility when two people understand differences in each other and those differences somehow ‘fit.’
To a degree, it seems unavoidable that we love others for who we think they are, for who we want them to be, for who they are with us – and for all the ways we are different as well as similar in interests, approach, experience, beliefs.
And by the way, don’t we love our children with our eyes more open than in the case of our partners? After all, in addition to the fierce bond of parenthood, we have raised them and known them in all their unguarded glory – the good with the not so good.
But our boyfriends, girlfriends, paramours, spouses? My even-tempered, rolls-his-eyes-as-I-emote significant other?
There’s no explaining the complete “je ne sais quoi” of how and why two people get together, stay together, and keep all the good stuff alive. But I’m convinced of this: Only time will reveal who a person truly is. And let’s hope that what appears on the surface to be “opposite” (and irresistible) in the early years remains as intriguing as ever, while the fundamentals sustain what is similar as well as complementary.
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I think you have accurately identified what makes a relationship work. My husband and I search for common things to do. He likes karate and jazz. I like reading and writing. He likes quiet mornings. I love to talk over our morning coffee and tea. I love the city. He could take it or leave it. He likes to ride a bike. I like to walk. I love to go out to dinner. He likes to eat at home. He likes the movie theater. I prefer a play. But when it comes to character, values, and libido, we are compatible.
As far as complimentary traits, I was attracted to his discipline. He is still very disciplined. Me? Hmm…not so much. He can never find anything around the house, unless it is in his office. I know where everything is. He is a calming force when I am in emotional turmoil. When his head is in the clouds, my feet are on the ground – and vice versa.
Are we perfect? No. There is often a lot of compromising. But, he is the yin to my yang.
Character, values and libido – yes, and yes and yes! That might be the key, the glue. Those are all strong similarities in my marriage. But to the outsider, it sometimes seems a mystery how we wound up with each other. Just today my daughter went to our family dentist who has known all of us for the last 15 years. “Your parents crack me up” she told my daughter. “They are so different. Your dad is such a geeky guy and your mom is so beautiful (beautiful!) and artsy.” That’s us, Mr. left brain and Ms. right.
What we have found is a huge overlap of commonalities, or passions. Music, biking, being in nature, being vegetarian, languages and travel. But we have extreme differences that sometimes feel insurmountable: I love to cook and eat long, leisurely dinners and he sees food as fuel. And the faster, the better. I love quiet and solitude. He needs conversation, the radio on, interaction. I am the thinker and the planner, the dreamer. He is the doer.
What we have come to understand and appreciate are the many commonalities we share. But we also appreciate how our separate areas of expertise compliment each other. I am thinking of a time in rural France, buying train tickets. He insisted on being the one to request them, but with an accent so terrible the ticket giver could not understand him. I was so jet lagged I could not even think up what needed to be said. So he told me what to say, i translated and we got our tickets and were off. And this past weekend we were recounting some tales of our early married days to our daughter, each of us remembering different bits and pieces of various memories. He told me that together we could piece the whole story together. Together we had the whole. not quite the same as being each other’s other half (which I don’t believe in) but in our collective memory, the whole was remembered.
I honestly have no clue. What Psychology Today says here makes some sense.
I guess the question is what core values, beliefs and attributes have to be aligned to make it work.
The opposites thing keeps a relationship fresh but it hasn’t worked out for me long term. Just too many differences, or maybe the wrong differences. But, oh, how spicy!