Do you know who is listening when you speak? Do you know who is reading when you text or email?
No, I’m not addressing issues of government agencies, but the everyday infractions to do with an expectation of privacy.
I am often stunned by the conversations taking place on cell phones and smartphones as consumers go about their browsing of products on shelves, or their rifling through the wallet for the credit card at the checkout line.
I’m not really concerned about the confidentiality of questions to do with brand of detergent or color of Kleenex, but loud voices and elaborate discussions get under my skin when I’m in a public place, especially when running lists through my head.
For that matter, if I’m strolling through a park, I can’t say I enjoy the chatter and buzz of technology and voices.
Good Manners
Does anyone remember manners? Good manners? How annoying it is when someone speaks inappropriately or interrupts without cause?
The prevalence of personal topics astounds me – as intricate details of health or relationships or kids may be poured out by a voice on a phone – the person on the other end of the virtual line, potentially unaware that she is sharing with strangers.
You may tell me this is now so common that no one pays attention. I suspect that’s true in many instances, yet I certainly wouldn’t want to imagine that what I think is a private conversation is being overheard by strangers (or acquaintances). Nor do I want my words passed along for amusement in an excerpted email, or any number of ways that communications can be compromised.
Phone Etiquette in our Brave New World
Just the other day, I was talking with a friend on the phone. As I had been puttering around in the kitchen and then the den at the time, I was using the speaker to converse. The discussion took a personal turn on her part. But the topic and her feelings were not directed at “whomever might happen by.” She had, I believe, a reasonable expectation of privacy, and as my significant other returned from errands, I immediately turned the speaker off and moved to another room to finish our talk.
But if I hadn’t?
She would never have known that personal matters were being overheard by someone she doesn’t know.
Expectations of Privacy: Social Media
If we text and tweet images when we’re “fooling around” – however you interpret that – should we have an expectation of privacy?
Some might say, if you’re a politico – not so much.
I think about the way our sons and daughters text so easily; we do it as well, without thought of who may be standing behind a shoulder, not to mention the ways we use social media and pass photographs and thoughts around, often without much consideration. But shouldn’t we have an expectation of privacy – still – in a direct message, an email, a text, or a “simple” conversation on the phone?
And if we don’t, shouldn’t we keep that front of mind?
Respecting Etiquette, Simple Boundaries
I will take a simplistic approach: Do unto others, etc., etc.
And so I remind myself how easy it is to assume the respect for boundaries that we used to take for granted, when technology did not make such assumptions unreasonable.
I remind myself to filter and edit what I put in an email or text, and to remove myself to another room if needed when speaking on the phone. That is in order to grant what I believe is necessary – fulfillment of the expectation of privacy, when communications are, indeed, intended for a party of two.
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“Does anyone remember manners? Good manners?” – om my, you’re speaking from my heart. It occurred to me lately during a trip to Salzburg, Austria, how people were speaking under their breath in a restaurant. In Berlin, at the most ridiculously exclusive place, you have the sound of a factory canteen and are forced to listen to everybody’s conversations. I wonder, is it good modern etiquette 2.0 to then address those people with advice? I mean, hadn’t they had it coming? 😉
Seriously though, this is a huge topic, and I have no satisfying approach or suggestions other than lead by example, which sounds like a diplomatic drop in the bucket of noise.
It is indeed a huge topic, nath. And the mention of phones in public is only the tip of the (current) iceberg… And UGH to the restaurants where there is little absorbancy of sound.
Common courtesy is much like common sense – it isn’t so common anymore. Maybe it really wasn’t ever commonplace, but it does seem like respect for the common “space” is disappearing. It isn’t just someone betraying a partner party’s implicit expectations by putting them on speakerphone, but it is also those who are physically present having no sense of context or decorum.
Sometimes it is just someone who is very gregarious, hard of hearing, or somewhat socially awkward, but sometimes it is more than that. I may never forget overhearing the lady in front of us in a restaurant waiting line describe receiving a call while visiting a medical specialist. I won’t give the details, let’s just say I could have done without the imagery…
Sometimes I really feel for retail workers who must maintain a professional and friendly interaction with strangers interested in telling their life stories. On the other hand, I sometimes suspect that those bending their ears have no one else to talk to.
At least these things make life interesting (and give me opportunity to work on my own tolerance)!
So many interesting observations, Robert. (I think at times I’m one of those “chatty” people at retail counters, the consequence of days at the computer in silence. My hat is off to them for their patience and good humor. I’m going to ponder this…)
I realized only last night, after one of my kids’ friends called from college to chat with me – how cool is that? – as we were talking, though no one was around me, I wondered if she had roomies nearby. I have no idea. I don’t think I said anything inappropriate, but it’s as though we have to remind ourselves – always – that someone else could be listening, unless we’re face to face with the other party.
A bit odd, really.
D.A.
I believe in trying to have at least moderately relational interactions with retail people, if for no other reason than to make their jobs more pleasant, and because many people either take them for granted or treat them downright poorly. Over the years I have decided that that is an easy , concrete thing I can do to make the world a better place, especially considering that I am in this situation continuously. Not to mention that if you are in an interaction where you are the only customer of someone manning a counter, or you may be contemplating a purchase where you would really like the salesperson’s expertise, it only makes sense to make the process as warm as possible.
What I was really thinking of was a customer monopolizing the time of a worker who clearly has other responsibilities, or people vying for their attention. That doesn’t seem like you.
That makes good sense, Robert. And for more pleasant dealings all round.
There is no substitute for the thoughtful use of technology. More people should think about it than do right now.
A wonderful topic and one we all can relate to in this age of instant gratification. Texting, tweeting, emailing and posting might be better if it came with a delay switch so people could really think about what they’re throwing out there for the world to see. Phone conversation etiquette has definitely taken a hit as many people think they are in some sort of private bubble when they are on their phones. Great thoughts to ponder! xo