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You are here: Home / Parenting / Dads / Just Passing It On…

Just Passing It On…

January 24, 2014 by Scott Behson 12 Comments

Scotts Dad by poolI have a vivid memory of seeing Star Wars when I was six. My family had just driven two grueling days from suburban New York City to Orlando, so we could vacation at Disney. This being Florida in August, we awoke the first morning to a torrential downpour. So alternate plans were in order – my mom and sister went shopping, and my dad and I went to the movies. We opted for tickets to a film that neither of us had heard of.

One flight of the Millennium Falcon later, my mind was completely blown. I’ve been a Star Wars geek ever since.

Now, I’m a dad, and I’ve been lucky enough to fly to Disney three times with my wife and son. About two years ago, when Nick was six years old, I introduced him to Star Wars, and his mind was also completely blown.

Riding Space Mountain, having nightly light-saber battles, and watching Nick relish his Jedi Academy training at Disney Hollywood Studios are highlights of my life. As great as these experiences are to a kid, trust me – they’re even better as a dad. I’m glad to be passing them along.

*

Most of my childhood was spent playing baseball – Little League, All-Stars, Babe Ruth leagues. My memories are filled with games, practices, playing catch, and enjoyable hours with my dad at Yankee Stadium.

I always felt as if my father was with me every step of the way. For years, he was the manager for whatever baseball team I was on. Because he was able to make every kid feel important, they gave him their best, and we always won the championship.

Nick just finished his first year of kids-pitch baseball. While I’m not his manager, I am one of his team’s coaches. I love spending time playing ball with my son and his friends. We watch games together on TV, and we spend evenings at our local minor league stadium. As great as baseball is as a kid, it’s even better as a dad. I’m glad to be passing it on from my dad to my son.

*

My father worked in a variety of responsible roles for the Office of Child and Family Services of New York State. His job was demanding and important – helping troubled kids and getting them back on the right track. For several years, he ran juvenile delinquent group homes around New York City. He was on call 24/7 in case of emergencies. He was the first person I ever knew who carried a beeper.

Despite his busy schedule, my father was an active, involved dad. He supported my mother as she went to college and grad school part-time, and eventually became a teacher. Beyond baseball and family vacations, he was a constant, loving, involved presence throughout my childhood. He made a decent living, though no one would ever have considered us rich. But I had all I needed – no matter how demanding his work was, I could count on my dad to be there for me.

God, I hope I’m passing this along.

*

Today, I write about fatherhood. I advocate for dads’ work-family balance. When talking with dads, the overriding concern is how their children will remember their childhoods, and how well they have equipped their children to lead successful lives.

I think the best answer to both questions is two-fold. First, you need to be a constant, involved, and loving presence in your children’s lives. You need to do the everyday things, including the unglamorous and thankless tasks. Second, you should punctuate the everyday parenting with special bonding moments – specific activities your kids will remember when they become adults, to pass along when they’re parents themselves.

*

To me, being a good dad is all in the trying.

If we’re asking the right questions, pursuing the right goals, and are mindful about how our actions will be perceived by our children, we’re doing the most important work of being good fathers. And I can’t think of a better thing to be.

I had a great role model. I’m lucky and I know it. I hope I can be the same for Nick. My dearest wish is that when my son grows up, he and I will have the kind of relationship that my dad and I now share. Even though we live a few hours apart, we Facebook every day, talk often, see each other whenever we can, ski together every winter, and watch Nick on the baseball field in the summer.

Our relationship kicked up a few notches about 10 years ago when my parents divorced. It was a dark time for my father, and I’m happy I was there to help see him through. After all he’s done for me, it was the least I could do.

*

I try to spend as much quality time with my boy as I can. I try to put work aside during family time. I try to model the beliefs and behaviors I want him to learn. I am committed to building a wealth of childhood memories for and with Nick, from which he will always know the unconditional love of his dad.

Sometimes, life and work clash, and I fail. None of us can succeed at the goals we set all the time, but we can try.

Most of all, I hope that’s what Nick sees – how hard I try – just as I saw that my dad always tried his best for me. If so, I think he may absorb these lessons, and perhaps 25 years down the line, Nick will pass them along.

Three Generations

© Scott Behson


Scott Behson, PhD, is a Professor of Management at Fairleigh Dickinson University, a busy involved dad, and an overall grateful guy. He runs Fathers, Work, and Family.com, a blog dedicated to helping fathers better balance work and family, and encouraging more supportive workplaces. He also writes on work and family issues for the Harvard Business Review (HBR) Blog, and for The Good Men Project. He lives in Nyack, NY with his wife, Amy, and son, Nick. Contact him on Twitter (@ScottBehson), Facebook, LinkedIn or email.


Part 5 in a series on father-son relationships.

 

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Filed Under: Dads, Family Dynamics, Parenting Tagged With: dads, essays, father son series, fathers and sons, Parenting, Scott, work life balance

Comments

  1. Jonathan says

    January 24, 2014 at 6:45 pm

    I really enjoyed reading this and hearing about your dad’s influence. As I’m still getting used to being a dad, it’s great to hear other people’s stories about fatherhood and what they aspire to as dads themselves.

    Reply
    • Scott Behson says

      January 26, 2014 at 9:48 pm

      Hi Jonathan- By all indications and your blog writing, you are already an awesome dad. Thanks for reading, and for the comment

      Reply
  2. Chris says

    January 25, 2014 at 9:53 am

    Scott – I really enjoy your work.

    This reminds me of my Dad – a “constant, involved, and loving presence” in my life. It’s almost as if I took this for granted growing up. Thankfully, as I get older, my perspective has changed. Year after year and as I have children of my own, I develop a much greater appreciation for the presence my Dad had/has in my life. I truly hope I can live up to the example he’s set for me.

    Again, thanks for your work.

    Dad-to-be (May 2014)

    Reply
    • Scott Behson says

      January 26, 2014 at 9:50 pm

      Hi Chris-
      Thank you so much for the kind words. I agree that the best gift you can give your kids is the gift of you- a present, involved dad. We’ve both been lucky to have had great role models. I’m sure you’ll do your dad proud.

      Reply
  3. D. A. Wolf says

    January 25, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    I read what you write, Scott, and the other stories as well, and I wonder what it would have been like to have such a steady and involved presence from a dad. Clearly, as a woman, the relationship would have been very different. Nonetheless, your dad’s example (and your own) reflects the richness that any child would wish to have from a father.

    Reply
    • Scott Behson says

      January 26, 2014 at 9:51 pm

      Thank you DA. A appreciate your kind words and the opportunity to write here.

      One of Nick’s best friends does not have a dad in his life. I worry for him, and try to extend myself to him, as well. I know how lucky I am.

      Reply
  4. Privilege of Parenting says

    January 26, 2014 at 12:26 am

    Hi Scott, I appreciated the love and sweetness in your relationship with your dad, and it made me think of the cycles of things, as I was a psychologist in charge of a group home for troubled teens when my children were infants, running around with a beeper, the nightmare of on-call weekends, always wondering if I was truly able to filter and protect my children from the disturbing and tragic situations at work. It sounds like you had a role model to follow and I too hope my kids will take away the same lessons of caring and hard work as you hope for your own adorable son.

    Reply
    • Scott Behson says

      January 26, 2014 at 9:55 pm

      Hi PoP-
      Thanks for reading and for your kind words. Funny how your work experiences mirrors my dad’s. Maybe I was too young to notice, but my dad always held it together pretty well for us. I also got to go on a lot of field trips with the group home kids (Yankee Stadium, Bronx Zoo, etc.)- the kids always seemed pretty nice to me, and they spoke well of my dad. It did help me recognize how fortunate I was, compared to kids with rougher upbringings.

      Reply
  5. David Stanley says

    January 28, 2014 at 4:16 pm

    Funny thing I noticed, Scott. You’re a Star Wars guy (as am I), and what is the most famous Yoda quote- “Do. Or do not. There is no try.” But that’s in the Star Wars universe. Here in the real world, as you state “To me, being a good dad is all in the trying.” Perfectly stated. Sometimes, we fall short, and we try again. We all do the best we can. BTW- your best writing is plenty damn good. Thanks.

    Reply
  6. Scott Behson says

    January 29, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    Hi David-
    Do- be a good dad
    How- Try your best
    I think Yoda would approve!
    -Scott

    Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Building Father-Child Memories That Last | Fathers, Work and Family says:
    May 20, 2014 at 3:18 pm

    […] My dad was a constant loving presence throughout my childhood. Upon reflection, I know he did all the grunt work of being a good father- providing for our family, maintaining the house, buying the presents Santa gave us, reading to me, teaching me to brush my teeth, disciplining me when I needed it, etc etc etc. This is the most important work he did for me and my family. […]

    Reply
  2. Building Father-Child Memories That Last - says:
    June 1, 2014 at 10:02 am

    […] My dad was a constant loving presence throughout my childhood. Upon reflection, I know he did all the grunt work of being a good father—providing for our family, maintaining the house, buying the presents Santa gave us, reading to me, teaching me to brush my teeth, disciplining me when I needed it, etc., etc., etc. This is the most important work he did for me and my family. […]

    Reply

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