The sky was overcast and my mood matched the weather. It was an anniversary. I was replaying events in my head. I couldn’t shake the memories.
The word “forgiveness” was on the tip of my tongue, but I knew the answer wasn’t that simple.
When we’re taken advantage of, when we’re made to feel foolish, when we have every reasonable expectation of trusting but our trust is shattered by damaging words and actions, forgiveness has little to do with dispelling sadness or repairing relationships.
Although some insist forgiveness is necessary to accomplishing a meaningful end – or a new start – I disagree.
“Get over it” is a common theme in the annals of Life After Divorce… Pop Culture Advice Chapters I, II, III, and more. It is generally paired with a somewhat more palatable version of the same sentiment – “Move on.” We’re all supposed to magically “move on after divorce.”
I don’t happen to be a believer, as it doesn’t apply for many of us, and it certainly doesn’t apply in general to all sorts of relationships or situations that are more complex than any cliché can accommodate.
Are We Crazy to Forget?
Some say forgiveness is a choice, an explicit decision to let go of resentment or anger. I think that’s an oversimplification.
What if we deem certain behaviors unforgivable? Don’t we do exactly that, as a society?
What if we’re dealing with a toxic relationship? What if we’re trapped in a codependent cycle, accepting the word of someone who promises to change but does not or cannot, even if the offending actions are the result of illness or addiction?
In that case, we may indeed find forgiveness, but isn’t forgetting a bit much?
Isn’t the definition of “crazy” repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result? Aren’t we crazy to deny what’s right in front of us, no matter how much we may want to believe?
Are some misdeeds, especially if they occur over and over, simply too much to tolerate? In certain circumstances, isn’t forgiveness nonsense?
The Unforgivable or at Least, Unforgettable?
What about the notion of forgive and forget for transgressions other than big ticket romantic items?
What about friends or close family members who trample your trust and offer no avenues for redemption of your belief in them? Try these examples: the co-worker who claims credit for your ideas and nudges you out of your job; the best friend who sides with your ex in a bitter custody dispute; the parent who abandons the child; the abusive parent; the child who turns his back on his mother or father for no reason other than selfishness.
What about betrayals that are more complex than infidelity? And yes, there are some. But on the subject of infidelity, generally it’s the first thing that pops into one’s mind when discussing relationship betrayals. So just how much do you forgive, and can you ever forget?
Pop Culture Peace Pipe
To the extent that forgiveness helps the individual who feels anger or pain, I’m all for whatever eases suffering, and sets you on a more peaceful path.
But I don’t buy the pop culture peace pipe that instructs us to let go of anger, and in its place, requires us to forgive those who have repeatedly done us harm.
We may come to understand their motivations or we may never understand them. We may open our eyes to others who are like them (and thus protect ourselves and those we love), or we may remain blind and vulnerable until eventually, we begin to see. We may take distance as the only way to survive, and we may get on with our lives in as much fullness as possible. As we move forward, we don’t necessarily smoke the pipe of forgiveness, and nor do we forget.
How to Forgive and Forget
Cruise the Internet and you’ll find tips on how to forgive and forget, how to let go of grudges, how to “heal yourself” from hurts in the process. Everyone from Oprah to the Mayo Clinic has a hand in that game.
For myself, I make no bones about the fact that I am not able to forgive certain behaviors. Others, however painful and frequent, I can forgive to a degree, knowing the intent was misguided or, simply put, these were the words and actions of someone under stress, duress, or out of control.
That word I just used — intent — is extremely important. Were I hoping to be forgiven for behaviors that hurt someone else, I imagine that my intent — and willingness to do better — would be taken into account.
When forgiveness isn’t in the cards, learning from the past certainly is. In fact, learning is always an option, with or without dismissing or denying those events that shape us, even the most painful. And understanding – to the extent that it is possible – is its own mechanism for achieving inner peace. This is my path to dealing with ghosts, and more importantly, to forging new relationships that are strong, forthright, and reliable.
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Forgive and forget…yes, I have heard the pop culture advice and I have learned this is church.
Forgiveness: I agree with you that not all things are forgivable. But, I don’t like to harbor resentment. I forgive when I can and most of the time I do. Sometimes, I must do it more than once for the same hurt, because the pain of the wrong will return. It is a choice we can make, but not one we must make.
There are a few things I do find unforgivable. Abuse of any kind is one of them. And it would be foolish to forget this kind of behavior.
Forgetting: Every experience makes up the tapestry of who we are. Learning from experience, so we are wiser in the future makes sense. I will admit to having lost trust in people and having become somewhat more cynical because of past hurts.
I used to wonder how to avoid cynicism, Rob. I didn’t want it to color my view of the world. I didn’t want to be a bitter person when relationships or situations soured. Maybe what you and I think of as cynical is wary or pragmatic, learning those lessons from experience that are so important.
Wary or pragmatic is definitely better than cynical. Thanks 🙂
I used to believe that forgiveness meant I moved forward as if the offense never occurred. I’ve come to realize that I can forgive in the meaning that I can let go of my right to exact revenge or expect something different. But in forgiving, I do not have to restore a relationship or trust to what it once was. For me, that seems unwise! And so, I wholeheartedly endorse forgiving (for my own sake and to ‘move on’ per se), but never forgetting. Forgetting is to waste the painful lesson and the wisdom gleaned through the process.
Excellent point on forgetting, Missy!
Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. Some may say that God can forget, but we are not God. As much as we may want to imitate our Lord, we cannot be God. And the remembering is a source of protection. But forgiveness is a gift. He gives it to me and I give it to them. Not because I want to, but because it is required and just and right. And it awakens your soul.
I am really tired of various people I know (and even people I’ve never spoken with) who pressure me and others who have experienced incredible heartbreak, massive scheming to undermine our parenting and financial well-being and trauma to ‘just get over it’ and ‘forgive your betrayer.
As if people were so simply constructed that we could just ‘wish our way’ to total forgiveness.
This pressure used to really get to me when I was fresh from the trenches of divorce. But now I just remember that continuing to empower and heal myself and focusing on my 3 children’s well-being is plenty for my own daily plate of crazy.
Excellent timing! I’ve recently had a very painful exchange with a family member and have been ruminating for weeks over the hurtful things that were said. Is forgiveness in order – probably, but not forgetting. I agree that we need to learn from these experiences and that means we need to remember – not only the words, but the intent so we can incorporate them into how we act moving forward.
I heartily agree that not all behavior is forgivable. Unkind words – probably, as long as it doesn’t become a pattern. Hateful, abusive behavior doesn’t deserve forgiveness. I see no reason to extend forgiveness to an abusive former spouse, nor can I forget how his actions changed everyone’s life. What I can do is not dwell on it, and that’s all he deserves and all I am willing to give.
This is a hard one. As a Christian, I’m commanded to forgive those who have wronged me. But it’s impossible to forget. Nor should we. Forgive and forget is not found anywhere in the bible. Because I believe my sins against a perfect and holy God have been forgiven (when by all accounts, they shouldn’t be), it’s easier for me to justify forgiveness. It frees me from resentment and releases revenge from my heart. Do I forget. No way. Do I take steps to not be taken advantage of again. You bet. Do I take steps to not allow the opposing person to be a destructive force in my life? In every way possible. Forgiveness is not necessarily condoning behavior and definitely does not include accepting abuse. For me, forgiveness is a conscious choice not to allow resentment, bitterness and anger to consume and destroy my life and eternal future. There isn’t any “wishing” about it. When I hold on to destructive thoughts, it’s hard to move forward in a positive way. It’s better to incorporate the pain and live in such a way that it doesn’t happen again. It’s definitely not an easy task.
What it means to forgive and how to go about forgiving are two very difficult and very important questions, and I suspect I will spend my whole life trying to fully answer them, much less put those answers fully into practice. In particular, I have spent a great deal of time and emotional and spiritual energy grappling with these question vis-à-vis a person who, for 58 years, did all she could to tear my birth family apart. Her particular abuse stopped only when my last surviving parent died and I no longer had to have her in my life. To me, now (nearly two years later), forgiving her has meant trying to understand her behavior so as to be able to view her in a way that would, as Lisa wrote above, free me from resentment, anger or hatred and release me from any desire for vengeance. It has not meant that I have forgotten or excused that behavior or that I continue to interact with her. It has meant that even though I decided that I must avoid the behavior, and so the person, in the future, I will deplore the behavior rather than the person. Just one person’s experience so far…
Such food for thought and so honest. I always like that you’re not pollyanna-ish, but honest and thoughtful, turning over the stones of topics to see all sides. Forgiveness should be able to be come to on our own terms and in our own time – otherwise it’s not authentic. And fogetting? Not to the point where we foolishly fall into the same traps again.
Well, as others have stated above it depends what you mean by forgiveness. I like to look a third option beyond forgive or not to forgive for serious, the jewish concept of you are dead to me.
While I have been raised, gone to church and taught that people are good, just sometimes lazy and greedy. The reality is that some people do evil and some people are evil. I never used to want to think this but it is reality.