Have you ever noticed that the kindest people are often hooked up with the most blatant narcissists? Have you ever noticed that manipulative partners pair up with easy marks?
And let’s add this: with no shortage of admirers.
Unfortunately, you just may find yourself among them.
The narcissist comes in more than one flavor, of course. He or she may not be overflowing with obviously inappropriate behaviors or the tell-tale distorted sense of self-importance. Instead, the self-absorption and disregard for others may seep out in small moments over time.
A fine dose of skillful gamesmanship makes this sort of personality even more powerful – and dangerous.
Speaking purely from my own experience (and reading), the years allow me to recognize the narcissist more quickly – and steer clear. I know myself to be one of those individuals that some refer to as “hyper sensitive,” and others would simply label as “nice” or caring. I tend to be a giver. I was taught to be a giver. I was also conditioned to be a giver, as I was raised by a narcissistic mother – with every “symptom” in the book.
Loving a Narcissist
When you love a narcissist – parent, friend, partner – one of the challenges may be how good you feel when that “big personality” turns his or her attention your way. Chances are, you have a few esteem issues, you’re at a vulnerable point in your life, or at the very least, you take your sense of self from the act of giving to others.
Unfortunately, with the narcissist, the more you give, the more he takes and eventually, this cycle erodes the very esteem you need to build.
The narcissist puts himself before all others – his opinion, his way of doing things, his need to be right.
My own stories of dealing with a narcissist are many. My earliest foray into post-divorce dating involved a classic narcissist. While we weren’t a couple per se, something the gentleman in question reminded me of constantly, we did spend a great deal of time together following my divorce. We operated under the guise of friends, yet we were fundamentally strangers, despite the 18 months or so that we watched movies together with my boys, or I cooked on weekends in his kitchen.
He was skilled in psychological manipulation. He was quick to clarify that we were friends spending time together. Then he would say “if we ever dated, you would have to do xyz…” His craving for connection was clear. Clearer still, his inability to understand what is involved in achieving it.
There were always conditions that required me to bend my likes, my personality, my behaviors to his wishes. I acquiesced a good deal, but the more I did so, the more he took. Coming out of a marriage in which my ex ran the show but in much more subtle fashion, as I began to find my grounding again after divorce, and could no longer pretend he wasn’t trying to run my life in ways that were completely unacceptable, my tolerance for our “friendship” grew thin. The relationship – whatever it was – ended.
Can a Relationship With a Narcissist Succeed?
Psychology Today offers an interesting take on what it is to love a narcissist and asks the question about the odd pairing of soft-hearted givers with self-absorbed takers. In “The Relationship Between Sensitive People and Narcissists,” journalist Deborah Ward writes:
So what is it about sensitive people and narcissists that creates such an attraction and leaves such a trail of destruction?
HSPs [Highly Sensitive People] are compassionate and empathetic… We feel other people’s pain instinctively and want to help. In addition, narcissists are experts at manipulation and control, so they will use your big heart for their own ends…
Bingo. That sums up my relationship with my mother – which doesn’t mean there wasn’t love. That sums up my relationship with my ex-husband, which again, doesn’t mean there wasn’t love – at least in the beginning. That certainly covers the relationship with the gentleman I just described who had none of the finesse of my ex, whose raw need for attention was apparent to all who knew him, and yes – I wanted to help, and he used my big heart to his own ends until I finally said “enough.”
I now recognize the ways my typical HSP behaviors worked to my own detriment.
In the narcissistic relationship, we become an extension, an appendage, a necessary audience, a constant cheerleader, a yes man (or yes woman), a second-class citizen – that is, if we even have “citizenship status.”
Would you call this a successful relationship?
I suppose that depends – on what you want, on the degree of narcissism and its destructive path, on how belittled you feel, on whether the narcissist can eventually face his or her own demons and work to change – not because we ask, but because he sees the need to do so.
Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Do you need a refresher course in the symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder? Do we all possess some of these traits at certain points in time?
You might answer yes to both of those questions, but the narcissist operates by these behaviors because they’re second nature. This isn’t a temporary need for attention or reassurance, solved or “fixed” by a kind and giving heart; it is a draining and seemingly bottomless pit of need, coupled with an inability to recognize the value or needs of the other person.
Psych Central offers these symptoms, reminding us that diagnosis requires that five or more be present, and that the individual be over 18 years of age.
- Overblown sense of self (exaggerates accomplishments, expects to be seen as superior)
- Preoccupied with fantasies of power, brilliance, perfect love, unrealistic success
- Believes himself to be unique
- Demands attention and admiration (excessively)
- Takes advantage of others
- Lacks empathy
- Discounts opinions of others, is arrogant, haughty
Check Psych Central for more…
How Many Narcissists Are There… Really?
Also according to Psych Central, Narcissistic Personality Disorder is believed to exist in less than one percent of the population. Why then do we toss around the term “narcissism” to such an extent? Are we sometimes dealing with selfish and self-absorbed individuals, which doesn’t mean they’re narcissists?
And why do some of us continue patterns of attachment and relationship to these individuals – at least, during certain periods in our life?
I return to issues of low self-esteem. When we are raised in emotionally or physically abusive homes, when we are coming out of situations in which we are vulnerable, when we are by nature “hyper sensitive people,” we’re more susceptible to those who seem to need us – and who ultimately use us.
This doesn’t preclude genuine feelings of love – by us for them, or by them for us. We may even learn to set certain boundaries and have them respected. But these relationships are inherently limiting. Loving a narcissist, in my experience, is a losing proposition.
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Oh, yeah. I was married to “that guy,” spent twenty years of my life trying to figure out why I was not enough to satisfy his requirements. He kept telling me “we don’t match— people don’t think we are together because I’m me and you’re so ordinary-looking.” Yes, to the self-esteem issues on my part. My dad was kind of the same way, saw himself as deserving more from people. So it was natural that I glommed onto my husband— it was all I knew. I never quite understood why I wasn’t enough for these guys, but I guessed it was my fault somehow.
When my husband finally snuck out in the middle of the night to run off to Europe with someone he met on e-Harmony–the last in a string of many affairs, I then discovered, which fed his sense of the adoration he thought he deserved—in the ensuing months the evidence came out: I WAS enough. He was the one who never got it, and he probably never will. Even now, he has my sympathy. From a very long distance…
These are very hard wounds to recover from, Madelia. Especially when the patterns are established with a narcissistic parent. But they can be overcome. There was a day I never thought I’d say that… I am so sorry for the experience you lived with, and for so long, and I’m so glad that you’re no longer in it.
Madelia, I hope things are ok for you now and that you at least learned what could possibly be the most important lesson of your life. It seems as though people will not know how to defend themselves from the pain associated with dating one of these Emmy winners.
I have dealt with some crazy ass nonsense dating back to 2011 when I first starting dating my daughter’s mother, someone I thought I had known since my jr year in high school 1996-97.
Scripture is what saved me, and prayer. At one point my entire family was against me and I didn’t know how to handle it. I became addicted to drugs, my career was falling apart, it was just a nightmare. Obv it’s never going to go away 100% as I have a child with this woman, but man, arm yourself with the truth and knowledge needed to see through the false image cast by the dishonest personality disordered person affecting your life and happiness in a negative manner, and you will end up pitying them and praying for them to get right.
Staying calm and cool ? will help you get through the righteous anger you feel when they’ve lied and/or are lying to the courts, your families, communities, place of work, but I will tell you stay humble (but not ignorant/foolish) and try to do the right thing for yourself and your family and never react or feed into their garbage and eventually they’ll blow a cap off and expose themselves.
You have certainly struck a chord with me in this piece. Like you, I have had my share of narcissists, beginning with my father, who had the added attraction of being an angry, sometimes violent, undiagnosed, and hence untreated bipolar personality. But I have come to realize, as you may have with your mother, that it was just much bigger than he was and of the three of his children, I have been the most successful at walking away from his damaging impact.
But I have a narcissistic friend who has been harder to walk away from. … I can’t say more. This is the internet after all.
I hear you on the destructive narcissistic parent, Judith. And like you, I did eventually realize that proximity was toxic. It’s a very sad place to be for all concerned, isn’t it.
I think we put up with more from narcissistic friends that we do with lovers / partners because we aren’t necessarily as intimately tied to them. There is a woman I mention occasionally in my writing, an absolute stunner, who was a close friend a number of years back. Her narcissism was obvious, but she was also fun, funny, and so charming that she was almost impossible to say no to. I also adored her children, making them a “package deal” that was hard to walk away from. But even there, at one point, she asked for something that was impossible for me to deliver on. I said no. Then she walked away. I wonder if she ever even looked back… I still feel the loss of that friendship. And the loss of what “could have been” with my mother. Is that odd?
It’s not odd. IMHO, normal people like us actually ‘bond’ with friends and family but the narcissistic parent or friend do not actually bond with anyone. They can throw out a relationship without a second glance if that person is of no use to them anymore.
I never thought of it that way, Lisa. That makes good sense. We’re bonding; they’re using…
Great article, D.A. The charisma is what gets the relationship started. I think one of the signs is when the person wants to make a huge commitment early on in the relationship. They propose after only months into the relationship because they can only keep up that charisma and facade of a ‘good guy’ for so long. Once they have you with a ring on your finger and you’ve said ‘I do”, they begin to let their guard down. We see the signs of narcissism (although I didn’t even know the word when I was married) when they suddenly have to have everything their way and they’re not shy about verbally abusing you. Also, they have a constant need for social interaction. It is exhausting. Important subject, thanks for sharing.
Oh, such excellent points, Lisa! The speed with which they push things to progress is a definite warning sign for us to pay attention to. And sadly, I also know firsthand how ready they are to verbally abuse. This is not something my ex did, but was my mother’s forte. And that social interaction all the time? Oh yes. Must feed the hunger with an admiring audience!
Great comments, thank you.
I think the dynamic between HSPs and Ns is about trauma bonding. Somewhere along the line, as you mention, we developed an attachment template to people with narcissistic features. And as you know the worst thing you can do is have children with these people because the possibiities for torture are endless.
You said a mouthful, Pauline. “The possibilities for torture are endless.”
My father was NPD (if never diagnosed). He drained my mother and two other wives of life, like a vampire, and did untold damage to his kids, stepkids, and some of his grandkids.
Just don’t. Don’t marry one, don’t reproduce with one, and if you’re dating one, cut him or her loose, once you figure out what the game is. “I loved being married to a Narcissist,” said no one, ever.
Oh Beverly, I love your last line. You are so right!
Powerful thoughts and a great conversation… It always intrigues me why opposites attract…and they always do…especially in this case… A lack of self esteem is so dangerous on so many levels…
Brilliant observations D.A
xv
I have a father with NPD and then was drawn to this type of man when I started dating. I then married one and it got progressively worse and worse during the next 20 years. I kept trying to figure out how to fix him and our marriage, smooth things over, not make waves, etc. Then it all blew up.
I had to learn the value of saving myself so I could become the mother I wanted to be for my 3 kids.
In therapy, I had to learn that my (former) spouse was operating under a different set of rules entirely than I was. I mistakenly assumed he was acting in love, trust and for our good. It took horrible betrayal of myself and my family after years of emotional and verbal abuse for me to be shocked out of my delusional state. I can’t point to a narcissist in my family or origin, but I was definitely groomed to be a nurturer, care taker and put others first. I was ideal for the narc and my youthful ideals didn’t allow me to see the truth until years, maturity and therapy opened my eyes.
I so related to the concept above that while we are bonding, they are just using. Very profound and very sad. They will do it to their children, too.
Lisa’s comment really opened my eyes as well, Missy June. Likewise, your remark on having to be “shocked” out of a delusional state. We want to believe what we see – or think we see. We want to believe the best of those we love.
This describes my mother in law perfectly. She has 5 of the above factors, and probably 6 (I don’t really know if she has fantasies of power, brilliance etc., but I suspect she does). To your face, she seems as nice as can be, but you never know what is going on underneath. Before I ever met her, my husband warned me to never believe her, never trust her and never let her manipulate me. Even this morning, he called me to tell me that she may be calling, wanting to borrow something of ours – at first telling him it was for herself, but now it is obvious some third party would be using the item – and warning that she might say HE said it was fine. She might even show up at the door, requesting the item. Obviously, growing up with such a parent affected each child adversely. Everyone has the need to be the center of attention and they lack in the empathy department since they never experienced it.
Sometimes, when I see bits of her in my husband, I feel such fury inside of me.
I certainly empathize with the fury, lunaboogie. But it’s helpful that your husband saw and understood, and also forewarned you. But it’s hell to live with or around, isn’t it? Given what you say about how her narcissism affected each child adversely is exactly what I was wondering about in this morning’s writing.
I’m curious – if you care to share. Is your husband more attentive and empathetic as a result?
Yes, the low self-esteem…before my husband my most serious relationship had been with a narcissist, and I remember very clearly that I wanted to date him because I felt that his charisma and confidence would complete me. He had everything I didn’t, and at 24 I actually believed this is how you go about finding the right partner!
What a miserable relationship. There were so many things wrong with us and I was too young to have any clarity. But I had never met anyone so in love with himself, so full of self-importance. I never loved him actually – my heart couldn’t respond, and he sensed this and it bothered him, as he cited all the other women who had been so captivated by him. It truly mystified him that I didn’t worship him. But I clung and clung because I was so needy.
I had a narcissistic girlfriend too. But she stopped all contact suddenly, I think when my life, in her eyes, suddenly appeared to her to be “better.” I haven’t been able to reach her for years.
I need to read up on the subject more, but does poor self esteem lead to narcissism as well? That is, in a narcissistic relationship are both halves of the party victims of low self esteem? I think I have read different explanations.
Your last questions have me wondering, C.
I have no data to offer, but in thinking of the man I wrote about, and knowing something of his upbringing, low self-esteem was certainly a factor. Causation? I don’t know. As for my mother, again low self-esteem was at play, certainly. As for those who engage with the narcissistic partner, perhaps those that stay suffer low self-esteem. For those that finally get away? Perhaps they’re reconstructing a stronger and more sustainable self.
C–I have read several books on NPD and both indicated that normally the person who ends up suffering from NPD had something signifigant happen in their childhood, normally before age 12, that caused them to have to learn to tell themselves that they are “loveable, have a purpose, are special, worthy, etc.”. It can be many different things, but death of a parent, alcoholic parent, abusive parent, parent deserting the child completely, etc. is usually the cause. I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what was wrong with my husband, I researched mid-life crisis and NPD. I read several books, one that was good was called “Narcissistic Lovers, How to Cope, Recover and Move On” by Zayn and Dibble. I wanted more than anything to save my marriage and have my family complete. My parents were married for 56 years, divorce was never an option for me, nothing I ever considered. I wanted to be a wife and mother my whole life, and for many years we had a great marriage and life. I could go on and on about this topic, and all the “signs” I missed, how my low self-esteem played a huge role in all of it, and such, but not enough time in the day for that. I don’t want to bore you either.
It’s just beyond sad for our kids, they suffer the very most. My ex really has nothing to do with our oldest daughter, with whom he use to have a very strong bond with. He is awful to our 14 year old daughter and she keeps telling me she doesn’t want to see him anymore. It breaks my heart daily.
Isn’t it strange how we look back and begin to reason this stuff out as we proceed on our journey. First husband, a user, first-born controller, can only see thing from his own feelings, judges, throws away relationships through abandonment, emotional abuser. Second husband, first born controller, narcissistic but low self esteem, soldier mother, distant father, looking for love, commits physical abuse to a young victim, becomes Christian and begins to sort out life but stumbles over life’s confusion. The wife…daughter of a bi-polar, unhealthy, depressed schizophrenic type, crippled again by a controlling mother disguised as a protector. Now, past middle age I still strive to find out who “I” really am. So sad that we learn so late and have little time to become who we want to be. I always struggle with catching up on lost time…how many hours do I have left to be the person I always wished I could be? Thanks for all the comments that lets me remember that others have gone through this also and I am not a crazy.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Mary. I’m sorry you feel you’ve lost so much time (I think many will understand that feeling), but as long as we learn to recognize signs eventually – not to be glib, but “better late than never,” we still have each day at our disposal.
Naturally, we live with our shadows and our “what ifs,” and that sense of dwindling time is terribly real. But as you say, knowing you’re not crazy and you didn’t imagine or exaggerate what you went through is huge, don’t you think?
His heart is in the right place. But he is not intuitive at all. He is happy to give whatever support, etc. I might need, but I need to tell him. He cannot figure it out for himself. I drive myself silly trying to determine if it is due to his lack of being nurtured (she always went to bed early, never read her kids bedtime stories, never rocked them in a rocking chair, never tucked them in, didn’t cook at all – they subsisted on take out – AND abused them physically and emotionally) or a touch of Asperger’s (He is brilliant in his field and other areas). He is certainly able to understand my feelings after I explain them, and feel empathy.
Thank you for your response, lunaboogie. So many factors to consider.
As always, great insight and writing. Thank you, D. A.
Yowza. Yowza. I’ve got to chew all this over for a while. Thank you for such a good piece.
“Why then do we toss around the term “narcissism” to such an extent? Are we sometimes dealing with selfish and self-absorbed individuals, which doesn’t mean they’re narcissists?”
Excellent piece, D.A., however you posed two questions at the end that deserve more exploration. I believe that many people today use the words narcissism and egotism interchangeably, when they shouldn’t. What makes a narcissist unique is their incapacity for self-love. Instead, they must garner it from those around them.
Very helpful clarification, Todd. Thank you for stopping to read and comment. This does indeed call for more thought.
Wow!! My story is so similar to a lot of women’s posted here. I made the mistake of marrying a NPD and having three kids with him. I was never “enough” and he had an affair, but blamed me for it because I paid more attention to our three kids than him (so he said). He has awful relationships with both of our daughters, but our son feeds his ego and inflates him so he treats our son pretty good, right now. I am sure as soon as our son doesn’t do this for him anymore, he will throw him away too.
What is sad is these women who keep falling for him and thinking they can change him, THEY CAN’T!! He is a cheater, liar and just awful! But, I have learned that it is not my job to save the world from him, just try to save my kids any more pain and agony. It’s so hard!
I can only change the things about me that made me attracted to him in the first place. I have made a lot of mistakes wanting to make our family whole again, thinking the only way to do that is for my ex and I to get back together. For years, I have continued an intimate relationship with him (up until a month ago), hoping he will change. Every time he meets someone new, I am then put out like a piece of dirty garbage even though I am the mother of his kids and was his wife for 18 years. I should have more self-worth, and from now on I will!
I know some of it is my upbringing, as I was taught you never, ever give up on family. But, my low self-esteem is a lot of it too. At least the woman he is dating now has no kids, so she can give him all the attention he requires and there will be no more victims like my own kids have been and unfortunately have huge scars because of him.
I can understand your plight, but only God does change a soul. You must disconnect. It has been much harder to disconnect emotionally for some like me, especially when you have the children together. For healing if interested see: Face Book Page “Write Where It Hurts” inspirational and supportive for help with healing…a private alternative page of community for women also available. It is great! Jo Ann Fore is the leader.
Thanks for this comprehensive post. I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for the last five years and it has been a struggle. It is hard to feel loved by someone who is so intensely focused on themselves. I read an interesting piece about the psychological factors behind winding up in an NPD relationship (www.psychalive.org/2013/04/narcissistic-relationships/). It has helped me so much to read great articles like yours on this topic. I don’t feel so alone.
I wish I had known about this. I fell for a narcissistic woman. Immediately she wanted a relationship and she was attractive, fun and very healthy. Early on we began exercising together and the belittling comments started. I didn’t exercise hard enough or like she did. She said you aren’t doing it like my personal trainer used to. I couldn’t even go for a run with her without upsetting her. Then she had a career change that I fully supported. Then I got promoted at work and had to work evenings. I got blasted. She then said if I had to go to midnight the relationship would be over. She said if I ever got fat she wouldn’t love me as much. We lived in separate cities but as we were planning our future she said my boys would never live with us. They were 18 and 22 at the time. I tried to tell her you never know what life might have in store and they may have to stay with us for awhile should they ever need to. They are my kids!
She was 37 and has never been married nor does she have children. She was constantly on me about everything. I couldn’t do anything right. I stopped by her house one night and she had one banana left and would not let me have it. That was after I forgot to wipe my feet before coming in the door which she let me know about. One day after offering to buy her some clothes I was eating some chocolate covered almonds and she said they are old so I continued to eat them thinking she didn’t want them, when she got up grabbed them from my hand and screamed at me like I was a child then she started eating them!
Then there was the two times she scratched me and brought blood. Never apologized. Being in love and a forgiving person I continued on with the relationship for some reason. I bought a used truck that was better on gas after selling my other truck so we wouldn’t have to use her vehicle which she didn’t want the mileage on. It cost me 2000 more than my other one. She went off on me for a half hour saying I needed to be saving for an engagement ring. Then she turned around and bought a new car!
Fast forward three years later. I ignorantly got engaged. I needed to fix my house up to sell to move closer to her work. She rented and didn’t want to drive to work temporarily so we could save money so living with me was out of the question. I bought everything. Took her to California and Las Vegas when I needed to go for work. I bought all the meals and gym memberships. Eventually my money was running out. She was draining me of everything. I broke down and ended it. She then said in an email that she didn’t really love me anymore. Probably because she wanted to hurt me. I felt bad after and reached out to her and she has not even tried to respond. My father passed away and she never even reached out.
Her family never invited my boys to Thanksgiving or Christmas in the three years we were together. It’s very sad. She was always controlling everything in my life. Would never let me bring my dog over to her place so we could stay more then one night together. We were only seeing each other one night a week when it ended.
She is posting all the fun things she is doing on Facebook, or Fakebook I like to say. I don’t think she has ever looked back or been sad. I’m the one torn to hell over someone who likely never loved me for me. It’s the good hearted people like me that narcissists thrive on. She is always posting selfies and pics of herself for validation I guess. She is very pretty but so shallow. She has zero empathy.
I wasted three and a half years with this woman who can just walk away with no feelings. I even tried for some stupid reason to reconcile. She has blocked me out of her life. I’m left in her wake.
Stay away from narcissistic women or men. They will suck the life, money and love out of you.
It sounds like you’ve been through a dreadful experience, Greg. Isn’t it for the best that you see her more clearly now? How long has it been since the relationship ended? How are you doing at allowing yourself to heal, and imagining starting over?
Very dreadful. My head understands the need to step away, clearly my heart is another matter. I still love her and mostly because I idealized what relationship I wanted and not the reality. I’m still a mess after two months. It hurts me to know she can walk away and not look back even though we were engaged. My heart doesn’t stop working like that despite her treatment. I’m the one who had everything invested and now I’m the one emotionally bankrupt while she’s having the time of her life. I’m trying to heal, attended my first counseling session and I have been going to a men’s prayer group. I exercise almost daily but lost eighteen pounds and not sleeping well. I’m trying to recover. I don’t wish this feeling on anyone ever. My heart is devastated.
Thank you for asking.
Two months isn’t very long, Greg. No wonder you’re still suffering. It will get better. Truly. No one should be treated as you have been. I’m so glad to hear you have reached out to others to talk and heal. Please know you aren’t alone. Many have lived some version of this sort of devastating relationship, and will understand.
Stay in touch. Let us know how you are. Wishing you all the best.
Thank you 🙂
I appreciate this article and the comments and stories everyone has shared. I’m at the long and drawn-out end of a six-year relationship with someone who has narcissistic tendencies but doesn’t have the charisma and overtly demanding personality of someone with NPD, as he is very introverted and doesn’t need a lot of people to give him attention. Since I’ve started going out with friends and talking with other men in the last few months, I’ve found myself being easily drawn in by two different men who clearly exhibit the full suite of NPD characteristics — one of whom is married. Nothing physical has happened with either of these men and I won’t let it, but they do distract me mentally and emotionally. I’m sad to see now that, after spending six years with someone who puts himself above all others, never fully accepted me for who I am, and whose kindest words to me have basically been that I’m “fine,” “good enough,” and “pretty enough,” I am now conditioned to be attracted to selfish and unloving souls — I just want one who is more charming and can verbalize a believable compliment every once in a while. I’m afraid to live on my own again (this is probably still three or four months from happening) and terrified that I will end up falling prey to another jerk since they now seem to be my type. I will come back to this article and others like it to remind myself that I need to somehow find a way to break this cycle of destructive attraction if there is any hope of me having a healthy and happy future. Thanks, again, for all you’ve shared.
Angela, you raise some very important points. Among them — narcissistic tendencies are not the same as NPD, which says to me that you have a greater likelihood of getting through to someone about what you need — and actually being heard.
But let’s also make a distinction between those who are by nature open and giving, and those who are, simply put, selfish or self-absorbed.
Loving with and living with someone who is selfish is a difficult place to find yourself. And selfish comes in all styles, not just outgoing and gregarious and charming; an introvert can be selfish, too, as you seem to have found out.
I also understand and empathize with the six-year commitment that you’ve already put into the relationship. You know the end is coming, you feel wanting, and it seems natural to me that you are attracted to a different type – or a more charming and attentive type. And on that, I can only say — listen to what you already hear your inner voice telling you — NO to the married man (believe me, you will regret it), and NO to the other you already recognize as a narcissist.
My suggestion would be to really think about what it is you need and possibly to take some time after your relationship is ending. I know from experience that time becomes a sort of palate cleanser, and is helpful and healing and anchoring after the end of a relationship that you now feel was disappointing. It is so much easier to value yourself and to make good choices when you let a little time go by. And, you give yourself the opportunity to see the lessons — what worked and what you would do differently.
Please do stop by again and let us know how you’re doing.
Wishing you the best during what I know is a challenging time.
This thread is so old, I doubt anyone will ever see this, but I’m married to a total narcissist, partially disabled, 62 years old, no family, and just pretty much stuck. I pray every single day that God takes one of us so we’re BOTH out of misery.
Is there any sort of community you can turn to for some relief or understanding? Church, a meetup group, an online group?
Why is all the language on your page Gender specific and discriminatory toward men? He, himself? Over and over. Your article is bias. You started out fine stating that one could be male or female but in the second paragraph of loving a narcissist you abandon that logic and it’s just he he he he he himself him.
Sorry you have that impression. In my own life, I certainly have known as many female narcissists as male narcissists, and as you pointed out, I don’t say that narcissism is gender specific.
Thank you for pointing out that I need to switch up my pronouns more often when addressing these topics.