Gentlemen: I am not your competition. I am your partner, your biggest fan, your cheerleading section, but…
I am your tender, rallying, sustaining support, but…
I applaud your efforts as well as your achievements, I harbor no animosity or envy, my reassurance is genuine, but…
Why is your ego so fragile? Why, if you’re my man and I’m your woman, don’t you or can’t you afford me the same validation, comfort, and pleasure that I extend to you? Or is this difference all media hype?
A recent study provides data telling us what we – married, divorced, or otherwise paired up heterosexual females – already know: men are threatened by a successful woman.
News At 11? Men Threatened by Successful Women?
Now before you leap up in protest – in your stacked heels, your ballet flats, or your wingtips and docksiders, men who love their women also, typically, rise above these momentary feelings of insecurity that arise in the face of female success.
In “Honey, Your Success is Shrinking Me,” an American Psychiatric Association report features surprising results for those of us who do not now, never did, and never will feel in competition with our partners. In fact, if you’re anything like me, you assumed a level of 21st century enlightenment and the authenticity of what appeared to be support… for your wins.
Apparently looks (and performances) can be deceiving.
Even when the woman is successful at something her man is not really engaged in — say, hosting a party — husbands feel personally threatened…
Men feel threatened by successful women? Hardly a scoop. May I now offer into evidence my dating history during the corporate years… Anyone care to join me?
Implicit (Subconscious) Self-Esteem
The Time Healthland article continues, explaining that testing for subconscious self-esteem reveals:
… men subconsciously felt worse about themselves whenever their romantic partners scored a win, no matter if they were competing in that area or not. That is, a man doesn’t just feel worse about himself when he’s shooting for the same goal, he feels worse whenever his woman succeeds…
Ouch. Bad news for relationships, no? Shall I don my 18th century “wench” outfit and situate myself quietly in the corner of the kitchen? Shall I only text my latest victory moments to my girlfriends, and brush over their importance to the boyfriend or the hubby?
American Men or Broader Based Bias?
My initial thought on reading this article was to label this an American tendency. Surely it’s some throwback to not so distant earlier days or less progress than many of us hoped we’d made in a generation.
But the data suggests that’s not necessarily so.
… the five different experiments in the study examined not just heterosexual couples in the U.S. but also those in the Netherlands (which often serves as a model of gender equity), and revealed little difference in the way men felt about their partners’ success. Dutch men may see more successful women around them… but they still feel a bit smaller when their wives or significant others do well.
Fragile Male Ego? No “Yes” to Her Success?
I say all this years after divorce from a man who may have, just may have, seen me as competition in certain areas, a set of feelings that went unarticulated, as in the case of millions of men (apparently), and yes – he downplayed my achievements as did I, feeling that it was a tacit agreement in our relationship.
Hear ye, hear ye, All You of the XY Chromosomes. As a woman, I am not your competition except when I am – explicitly, directly, and when it’s common sense.
I am not your competition in the bank balance department. I am not your competition in an arm wrestling match. I am not your competition in a chess game. I am your competition in the race if my stroke is stronger and my flutter kick exemplary.
I am certainly not your competition in affairs of the heart or the bedroom, in numbers of followers or likes or flesh-and-blood friends, in the ways my children love me, in the attention my words may garner, or in any other measurement of success.
Do Men Fear Women? Even Their Partners?
Do men fear women, even slightly, when they’re successful? Is this a competitive streak that runs more deeply than most of us realize? How much is cultural conditioning or generational? What other psychological phenomena may be at work?
When I think of partnership, I see equality of positioning.
Gentlemen, I stand by this refrain: I am your competition where I choose to be – in a game of wits and skill where we abide by the rules on a level playing field; across a negotiating table in a deal where we both know it’s business; and maybe, just maybe… in getting to the last serving of coq au vin that you prepared for dinner.
Fortunately, the study of mention apparently concludes that “while men subconsciously felt smaller by their partners’ success, they usually have the cognitive wherewithal to get over it.”
Good thing, because as a woman, not only do I want and need your support, your applause, your authentic regard for my efforts and achievements, I expect it – as do you, from me.
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I hate to say anything without scientific studies to back me up, but I will do just that since I am supposed to be commenting, not writing my own five thousand word essay.
Women are taught to suppress their sexuality. Men are taught to suppress their sensuality. Women cooperate. Men compete. Women nurture. Men fight.
Obviously these are generalisations and anybody is going to present anecdotes which are the exception to the rule. Nevertheless, things are the way they are for a number of reasons that are not always evident to us. We get both direct teaching and subliminal conditioning from our parents, our peer groups, our society and consequently from our media. Our taste, our behaviour, our manner of thinking is formed in ways we do not fully understand or even have a say in. Intellectually, I know not to be afraid of spiders but that doesn’t stop that initial flush of fear.
Do I talk here of all men? Do I talk as myself being one man in the crowd? As you state, we generally have the “cognitive wherewithal to get over it.” Intellectually, we seem to be able to overcome our upbringing. As for your success as a woman, Ms. Wolf, and for the success of all women, I will support the idea of a place in the sun for everyone regardless of gender. Competency is not determined by sex. I promote our equality as human beings and I celebrate our differences as men and women.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go lie down. I just saw a spider and I’m feeling a little faint.
Mr. Belle, You always make me smile. Go fetch the smelling salts.
Holy Cow!
As a guy, I don’t understand this. I want my wife’s professional dreams to all come true. I just don’t understand why someone wouldn’t unconditionally support the person they supposedly love and have voluntarily chosen to be lifelong teammates with.
BUT I see this all the time with so many guys.
I just don’t get it.
You and me both, Scott.
This post scares me. It makes me question aspects of my relationship that I would rather leave un-turned. Are there things about me that he’s somehow threatened by? Is it not only my ‘successes’ but even ways that I may be more skilled than he, things I am naturally better at ? All the good things about me (possibly even the very things that drew him to me in the first place) do they make him feel bad about himself too? If so, what is the resolution?
As a woman who tries just about everything and strives to be her personal best….
I’m not in competition with anyone except for myself. And yet, I felt that both of my husbands (who have each “runn oft” to quote O’ Brother Where Art Thou?) were threatened by me and my abilities. I never felt as if they saw me as a kick-ass, happy she’s on my side, kind of gal. My accomplishments cognitively made them proud yet ego-wise left them wondering who wore the pants in our little union. Instead of rejoicing in my great cheese-cake baking AND ability to cut crown molding, they both felt I was the enemy.
Husband #2 even put himself down verbally when talking about my skills in a joint venture…even though he was more the driving creative genius than I was. Even my mediocre success in light of his greater feats was enough to deflate him.
This study scares me. I weep for the strong, independent women of the future who may make more, achieve more, create more. Are they destined to become ex-Mrs. So-And-So because Mr. So-And-So can’t reach down and find his own self-worth in an absence of competition?
BTW, I applaud William and Scott for having the nads to post their opinions! Bravo, men. BRAVO.
I’m not normally this feisty online. This one gets me going. Do I really have to give up a part of me to be with you? Obviously, I do.
Please, men, know that we love you and would move Heaven and Earth to be the best partner we could be for you. That is our motivation. We want to make you proud that you chose us… And we think you feel the same way.
Working together is so much more advantageous than competing – but if and when the time comes that I surpass my husband in earning – I could be surprised.
In theory, I’d like to think that men could be strong enough and secure enough to support their female partner, no matter who’s bringing home more bacon. In practice, I’ve seen very, very few men who could handle it. Most strong, successful men don’t mind a strong successful woman – as long as she makes a LITTLE bit less than he does, is a LITTLE bit less famous or well-known around the community. As long as he feels like he has more status in the relationship, he doesn’t mind if she has status, too.
I’ve also seen men who are financially dependent on their female partners, who either have the “B” job or are the SAHDs, who are deeply resentful and passive-aggressively try to sabotage her success. Not all. But very few seem to be comfortable with the idea of being partnered as equals, or in taking turns at parenting/being the main breadwinner. Sad, really.