Worth noting: The New York Times has added a new section to an existing vertical targeted at Baby Boomers. Called “Unhitched,” it focuses on stories of those in midlife who are divorced or divorcing.
I think this column comes at a perfect time.
We have indicators that the economy is improving (for some), yet ageism in the employment marketplace continues to be a persistent problem. Add to that the fact that we’re living longer, our society values individual “pursuit of happiness,” and we all want to make the most of the time we have.
Certainly, we’re more able to examine our marriages after 20 years (and the kids are in college), or 30 years (and the kids are out on their own) – wondering where we are and how we got here.
One Divorce Story, More to Come…
As Unhitched reports, “one quarter of all divorces now involve people over 50.”
So why bother to divorce after decades of marriage?
There’s the old standby – midlife crisis – or more specific and painful causes. Maybe we’ve been living in a sexless marriage. Maybe there have been patterns of abuse, infidelity, or other deal breakers we can’t tolerate any longer. Maybe one falls for a young hottie and wants out. Maybe the old cliché – “we’ve grown apart” – is more true than not.
Maybe we don’t know precisely. Maybe we’ll never know.
Perhaps we decide there’s more ahead than what we’ve had and we’re going for it, or like the couple in this first “Unhitched” article, Ram Samuel (66) and Barbara Samuel (54), their lives are headed in different directions and while marriage counseling was tried, they couldn’t put the pieces back together.
Theirs is an intriguing tale of cultural differences and challenges, a strong family, careers that took them in varying directions, and his one indiscretion that led to a breech in trust (that was irreparable). Is that the entire story?
Hardly. Yet we hear in their own words, in “Lessons Learned When It’s All Over,” how they continue to share a relationship as friends.
It’s interesting that he remarried quickly, and still speaks as though he misses his ex-wife. She, on the other hand, has found a new relationship, but appears to have no intention (or need) to remarry, content with her life as is.
Considering Divorce Over Age 50?
Huffington Post reports on the skyrocketing rates of gray divorce, including referencing the potentially dramatic financial results for one or both parties:
… ending a marriage after 50 can be more financially burdensome than divorcing at a younger age, particularly because social security benefits and retirement funds come into play. And even though the national divorce rate has dropped in recent years, the divorce rate among baby boomers has nearly doubled…
The source of the statement on the boomer divorce rate? It’s a study from The National Center for Family & Marriage Research, which states:
… The divorce rate among adults ages 50 and older doubled between 1990 and 2010. Roughly 1 in 4 divorces in 2010 occurred to persons ages 50 and older… Over 600,000 people ages 50 and older got divorced in 2010…
… The U.S. has the highest divorce rate in the world, with roughly 45% of marriages expected to end through divorce.
… the divorce rate [for people over 50] has doubled since 1990, rising from 4.9 to 10.1 divorced persons per 1,000 married persons. This pattern belies the overall trend in the U.S. divorce rate during this time period, which was essentially flat at 19.0 in 1990 and 17.9 in 2010…
If you read the original document, pay attention to the distinctions made between prevalence of divorce and incidences of divorce – important for understanding how the rate of gray divorce is rising.
Wanting Out – Courage? Capitulation?
Opting for divorce at any age? Opting for divorce at 50 or older?
I’d say there’s courage involved – or desperation. Possibly, there’s no choice for one of the partners.
I’d also say that whatever lies ahead is a crap shoot, very much dependent on financial resources, employment, and health – all of which may spiral downward quickly, feeding off each other. Or, you might get lucky.
All in all, I hope that this new column in The Times offers more complex and varied experiences so we can all, as the section would like, take some lessons.
Single, married, separated, divorced – at any stage we may desire something else – “the grass is always greener” – but looking at our own lives in light of what others are actually living, if honestly told, is valuable input.
What Secrets Could Happily Married Couples Share?
Then again, personally, I would also love to hear strategies for how couples make it work – long-term, and through the obstacles that include ups and downs with children, changes in social status or financial circumstances, dealing with medical or mental health issues, surviving Empty Nest and retirement – everything that most of us encounter one way or another, or will, whatever our marital status.
Is it hard work? Clearly.
Great communication? We might presume as much.
But what else? Is it an unwavering commitment to their vows as well as to the family unit? Is it giving each other space or maintaining a constant closeness? Is it separate bathrooms? Separate vacations? Luck?
Is it worth it to those involved – in other words, if they could turn back the clock, would they do it all again?
Meanwhile, I look forward to the voices that Unhitched can offer. May we be enlightened by their hard-won lessons.
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Definitely one of the issues is the amount of financial recovery time you have after the divorce. I know this weighed on me with seeing retirement/investment savings split up at middle age and then the burn rate during legal proceedings. I was able to make it through that period of time through frugal living and a secure income, not everyone has that luxury so I am thankful. Supporting my kids and my ex will ease over the next few years (I hope 🙂 ) so the recovery time I have should be sufficient but I could still use a lottery win to ease my concerns (it’s fun to dream too).
Thank you for sharing your experience, batticus.
I’m curious… Would your and your ex’s decisions re divorce have changed if you did not have reasonably secure employment, or for that matter, health care?
(By the way, any suggestions for the divorced mom looking to relocate in Canada… Wheelchair and big dog friendly area? See the latest comment on Best Places to Live Over 50.)
I’m sure things would have been different, the exposure to risk of income and health has to weighed when you consider divorce vs. separation vs. staying married. In Canada, health care isn’t usually an issue so I can honestly say that it never came up in our discussions. Formulas for alimony can be multi-year rolling averages or previous year income; which one you pick usually depends on the volatility of the payor’s income and whether the payor/payee want more predictable alimony payments.
My parents got divorced 10 years ago, after 37 years of marriage. They are both better for it. They got married young and became parents right away. They were great co-parents, but after my sister and I grew up and moved out, they found they had little in common and didn’t like each other very much. My mom once told me the thought of divorce first came to her while doing laundry and thinking “am I really going to wash this man’s underwear for the rest of my life?”
Life sucked for each of them, and, by extension me, for a year or two, but now both of them are living much closer to the lives they want. My dad travels and skis and is mr social butterfly. My mom lives a small, quiet life with far less stress.
It sounds like a better outcome for both of them, Scott. I’m glad for all of you.
As to the question of whether one would choose to make the same decision if finances were an issue, I can only answer for myself. And that would be an emphatic, “NO!” It would not have made a difference. I did walk away with something – we had paid off our marital home, so I got half the money from that. That in itself made a big difference, since I could use that for a down payment. But I was prepared, mentally, to live in a low income, tiny apartment if I had to. Sometimes it’s about watching your own death if you stay. That’s how it was for me. Turmoil and traumatic events took their toll, both physically and emotionally – and spiritually too. So, once I made the very difficult decision, a little weight was taken from my backpack. When I moved on with my life, every day weights were lifted out of me. I stood in my “new” backyard one day and saw the sunshine and thought, “So, this is what it’s like.” I’m not saying that I was abused or anything like that. But there are plenty of things that happen within a marriage that can be hidden very well from others. And secrets take a toll on their keeper. So, for me, I’d have lived in a shack if I had too, and been much happier than when I was married. Doesn’t make it any easier, but when the layers start peeling off and you are yourself again – it’s amazing!
Finances and health insurance have played a major role in my decision. I married a German man and gave up my job, house, family, language and retirement for what I thought was true love. I stayed during horrible times because I worked for him and made myself totally dependent on him and have always been terrified by what next? Yes, I can leave, but then what? He controls the finances and everything else. My mistake to let that happen, but I didn’t plan on getting a divorce. I planned on marrying and staying married.
I am now 55 and have to go. I can’t stay. I’m dead here. But am terrified of going home with no money, no job, no housing and no support. I would never ask friends or family to house me. Ashamed to be 55 with no safety net.
I have an MA in Journalism and worked successfully in the states before coming here, but haven’t worked in my profession for over 13 years. I have tried here and at home. Rejection after rejection. Germans told me I was too old. Just accept that and be happy I have a husband who can support me, they said. I did, but can’t anymore.
I talk with an attorney on Tuesday to discuss my rights. My husband doesn’t want a divorce, but I would rather be homeless than live with him any longer. It’s over and I’m afraid, so am I.
Too many of us know that shame, even as we tell ourselves that it is unwarranted. If nothing else, knowing that circumstances play an extreme role in where we find ourselves financially, in terms of health, and socially – too often isolating ourselves (which makes things worse) – please try to cut yourself some slack.
And all I can say is do your homework. Build yourself a support network – there, here, on both sides of the ocean. To find yourself unable to make ends meet financially or to get work in the over 50 marketplace can lead to very very challenging times.
I wish you the best. As I am 54 and have the similar situation. I have been unemployed for about 2 years, due to many health issues, I decided to try to apply for Social Security Disability. My spouse has sabotaged our finances, he has a heavy drinking problem, so a lot of the money has been wasted there. I qualified for Medicaid last year (just me) then they terminated me (4 days prior to my kidney surgery) because his 50 cent raise put us just over. I’ve made appeals, turned down again! He says he’ll put me back on his work insurance but we’ve tried that before. We had no extra money to pay for the deductible plus he guilt tripped me ‘that is the one that goes to work’. Didn’t he help encourage me to apply for SSD in the first place!
He leaves me no money, keeps saying we have to sell our house and move with his Mom (our house pmt. isn’t the problem-it’s the rest of ‘useless’ spending). I spent everything I had saved up to help buy our joint home, plus I gave up my own home that I had when I met him. Plus I wasn’t able to save and recoup some of those costs because I had to pay half the bills, my own clothes, my hair, my cat food and litter and vet bills. I added it all up, that’s where it went!
I was hoping to get my SSD, some equity of our joint home, and try to work part time. I guess I will have to just try to work sick and broken and hope I can do it.
Unless I recent doctor visits (SSD wants current updates) then I won’t qualify. I can’t go to the doctor with no insurance and have no money to pay out of pocket! So it’s a losing battle there! The only way I can get some temporary help is get divorced and try to stay in the house with him until I find a place and start working. I will need a co signer more than likely and family are not the ones that offer help. I also have to make sure in the meantime he doesn’t pull his BS like putting the house in his family’s name (he refinanced in his own name, because I wasn’t working). He tried to pull this on me 5 years ago and I said ‘no way’ So they are sneaky and they have lost my trust! My husband has to wonder why??? He threatened to throw me and my cats out. He took me he would give 5 grand to leave! I’m nervous, I’m scared, I’m not sure how I’m going to pull this all off, but it will happen! He’s mentally, verbally, emotionally and financially abusive and some times I’d rather live in a cardboard box with my cats than put up with cr** anymore! But I won’t tell him this, because I’m sure he would just love it if I walked away and left him the house!