At first I thought the headline about not speaking to your spouse was a joke. Surprised to see an article on the benefits of marital silence, I was intrigued.
In fact, the article in Time touts the advantages of not dealing with conflict, especially when talking about marriage as a marathon, suggesting that as we tally up more anniversaries, silence is golden – if you’re in your golden years.
Go figure. I never considered diverting, distracting, or stonewalling success strategies for personal relationships.
Francine Russo’s “How Not Talking About Conflict Could Help a Marriage Last” is interesting on multiple levels, though I find myself ambivalent when it comes to the outcome, based largely on how we define marital success.
Stonewalling?
Referring to withdrawing or “stonewalling” – in other words not talking about conflict, which generally places more strain on relationships, Ms. Russo points out:
… a new study suggests that the avoidance part of the pattern may not be as damaging as counselors once thought—at least not for long-married couples over age 60… The study… followed 127 couples for 13 years, one group aged 40-50 and one group of long-married couples, aged 60-70.
Reflecting findings that show older (longer-married) couples develop patterns of acceptance when it comes to disagreements (“agreeing to disagree”), apparently mutual avoidance
… did not seem to lower marital happiness. Invoking the practice, in fact, may be neutral or even positive…
There is some speculation that this is a natural part of the aging process. (Might that be perspective? Accepting what cannot be changed?) Whatever the reason, if the couple is not unhappy, I would have to agree with the overall impression that avoidance may offer a reasonable approach to living together in relative calm – under certain circumstances.
Picking Your Battles, “Emotional Tone”
Of course, there’s more to the issue. Picking one’s battles (the important matters) is a skill. And the way in which we broach topics is essential, allowing even complex conflicts to be addressed if both parties are willing.
Moreover, “emotional tone” is critical. Accusations and put-downs are ineffective (and trigger defenses in all of us); there are ways to communicate that encourage discussion – without personal attacks, and paving the way to greater understanding, if not some resolution.
As one who is also fully aware of the many downsides to gray divorce, not the least of which is financial, if older couples aren’t making each other miserable, my personal feeling is to avoid gray (or silver) divorce.
Yet here’s where I bump into my own ambivalence. Is not being miserable enough? Are we looking at 20 more years of “not being miserable?” 30? I don’t see marriage as an institution to be entered into lightly and surely not left lightly. However, when splitting will not result in financial meltdown for either party, and when there are no children involved, I see no point in prolonging what can be a sort of status quo unhappiness, should both parties wish to call the game.
The Successful Marriage, the Failed Marriage
I have a fundamental concern over assessing the “success” of marriage based on longevity, and yet we tend to revere long-term marriages (regardless of their quality) as if the mere fact of the decades together is enough to plant the Good Housekeeping Seal of Approval on both spouses.
Setting aside the issue of children – critical, I realize – why can’t we look at marriage and say the years together that were good were successful? For example: “We were together for 10 years, 7 were great, and after trying for several years, we decided to move on.”
Why must that always be deemed “bad” or a “failed marriage?” Is divorce always a failure?
I’m not proposing conflict resolution or conflict avoidance; the examples raised in the study show there are exceptions to accepted norms when it comes to relationships. I’m not proposing unilaterally trashing a marriage either – at any point. I believe people owe it to each other (in the absence of abusive situations) to try to work through things and rekindle what was once there.
Major Marital Issues: Values, Kids, Sex, Money
Naturally, some issues are significant – very significant – and not addressing them isn’t a good idea. Off the top of my head, I’d say those key differences that can cause catastrophe include basic values, how to raise kids, sex (of what sort and how often), not to mention money.
If you can’t come to terms on these four, aren’t you in for a rough ride?
As for long-term marriages – why some “work” and others fizzle – I have no answers though I suspect the dynamics are complex, and at least one of the partners has the sense to see that a marital “last straw” may be just one more annoyance. The grass is always greener is simply not the case.
Note that the article on conflict avoidance concedes the following:
Any therapist would agree, however, that there are no absolutes when it comes to relationships…
It’s hard to disagree with that statement. But I return to one of my concerns and fervent wishes – that we might stop categorizing human interactions as success or failure – which seems of little use to me.
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I love not talking; I call it companionable silence. Right now I have my legs resting on my husband and am not talking to him. It’s bliss. As to stonewalling, I think there is a big difference between an angry silent treatment and choosing to let something go. We’ve been married long enough to know we won’t agree on everything, and that is more than okay. We appreciate our differences. Yes, big issues need to be resolved, but as we age together, there really aren’t that many of them.
Ah… a very different (delicious) kind of “not talking” Ginger Kay… I love your wisdom on this one.
Great reply Ginger….I can relate so well to it. It’s all about being comfortable in the silence
I really enjoyed your post. So much of what you highlighted resonates with me, E.g. your Major Marital Issues, the propensity for people to “revere the long term marriage,” and last share your fervent wish “that we might stop categorizing human interactions as success or failure.”
My ex-husband and I were together for 26 years – through many ups and downs, the good times were very, very good, the bad were so trying, the relationship drifted and because of children, I remained, until I couldn’t anymore. The only abuse was the abuse I finally realized I couldn’t inflict on myself any longer by staying in that marriage. It wasn’t a failure. I agree with you on not giving a marriage that dissolves that descriptor. It had its successes – certainly four beautiful children. I so agree with what you’ve written in that it wasn’t bad or failed – I’m still sure that I changed. Because I can only speak for myself, I feel I grew and wanted more -more than a long “successful” marriage defined simply by the years together. When those years become something one or the other or both are “enduring” then it seems wise for body and soul to move on.
I do believe there’s value in the waiting til the kids are grown… “If” … And that if will vary for each family.
I read recently an article that categorized marriages through the years. You know the familiar periods: infatuation, too busy (when kids come), try to change your spouse to what you are (when you are both going in multiple directions), then my favorite: I don’t care. Not that you don’t care about your spouse. Rather, I don’t care to argue or fight to the death for a lame point. Since adopting this persona in my midlife years, I find myself more accepting of my husband’s differences and therefore more patient and understanding. It has made a huge difference in our relationship.
So many great points here! I think marriage is like a dance. Each couple has to find the beat!
One of my favorite definitions of marriage: Custodians of each others’ solitude.
Hi there! I found that in bad relationships I had in the past talking did absolutely no good, but walking did. xo
Ditching the idea of success/failure is just what I was advocating to a friend (in the earliest stage of divorce) just yesterday. She feels like a failure–but I pointed out that her marriage worked well for more than 20 years. They are raising two amazing daughters. They are acknowledging that the relationship is now hurting all the family members more than helping. They are trying to get to a better place. How can that be a failure, by any definition?
Excellent article. I think it’s true that talking sometimes does no good. Communicating, however, is a learned skill, and can be very effective. My marriage ended because we talked, but never communicated. A failure? No. It produced two awesome daughters and a decade or so of happiness plus a very changed mid-life woman pursuing her life’s dream.
As they say…”would you rather be right or happy?” I don’t have to be “right” anymore. Picking my battles and learning what “tone and temperament” to use to get what I want was a huge learning curve…life is so much easier now…and I don’t have enough time on this planet to train another husband!
That “rather be right or happy” – yes, so important!
I’ve noticed that the longer we’ve been married, the less we “talk.” In the early years and especially pre-parenthood, we did everything by the book: talk out our conflicts, make up. We were so “perfect.” And then the fighting got worse after we became parents, and we became more primitive in a way, more back to basic human. We broke a lot of rules and yelled too loudly and (I anyway) said things I’d regretted. But at the same time, we took those fights less seriously than we did earlier in our marriage. Now, we might have a screaming match and then come back together in an hour as if nothing had happened. Neither one of us apologizes and neither one of us brings up what’d just happened. At this point we know why we’d fought (e.g., stress or fatigue) and we drop it because after all these years we know each other well enough and we also feel secure enough that the blow-up was meaningless. Of course, with bigger issues, we would need to talk but I wonder if we will have fewer of them as we head into our golden years?
Great question, C… on those “bigger” issues.
Excellent points. I think marriage takes work, as does any other Important relationship in our lives. It’s when the work becomes too unpleasant and staggering to tolerate that we have to question if it’s all worthwhile.
My husband and I both taught college English for decades, so we tend to overanalyze everything and debate endlessly. But now that we’ve hit year 17, we are starting to explore staying clear of each others’ excesses. I’m starting to think that civil, polite and superficial sometimes is just the ticket. It wouldn’t hurt to us to give intensity a rest for a while.
Great article. I think being comfortable in silence is one thing. Cold shoulder and stonewalling is another. I personally started out thinking I could handle it but eventually I became physically sick. I need peace at least 80 to 85 percent of the time. It is true that the combination of people make for multiple different partnerships. I think perhaps there are people out there who need a good row. I would say to them, go for it. Not me. Rows I can handle. Cuddling on the couch, I can handle. Months of silent treatment? No thanks.
Great discussion here! Funny, I just realized that I mostly think back on my other marriages when I’m about to comment; this one to Bill is so much easier I’ve not ‘learned’ as much as from the first two. Anyhow, I learned fairly young that there are some battles that can’t be won, or at least without inflicting / receiving horrible scars. When I would get really angry there wasn’t much telling what I’d say after I lost my reason. I learned to say nothing until I was calm again and by then the storm was over and it didn’t seem important enough to start again. If you don’t have the same values, not much will change that. And I also found that when I didn’t know what else to say, silence was lovely and I would just reach over and squeeze his hand. I did a lot of needlework back then; it helped me to seem more preoccupied so I had an excuse for being quiet.