What if we could read each others’ minds… Would we want to — really?
What if we were on the receiving end of raw, unfiltered responses from our friends or in the workplace? What if no one couched their criticism in diplomatic terms, or softened blows to the ego behind affectionate teasing or gentle humor?
In “I Know What You Think of Me,” author Tim Kreider describes receiving an email by mistake, and reading words from a friend never intended for his eyes. The interpretation is up for grabs, but none of the options are especially favorable.
Ah, the inadvertent power of “reply all.”
Aren’t these classic oops moments dangerous to our careers and relationships?
Can Friendship Survive “Truth?”
Carelessly dropped opinions are barbs. The judgmental slip can boost the self, but generally at the expense of its subject. Pop culture has effectively transformed “truth-telling” into blood sport.
In his article appearing in The New York Times, Mr. Kreider writes:
Civilization, which is held together by a fragile web of tactful phrasing, polite omissions and white lies… This particular e-mail was, in itself, no big deal. Tone is notoriously easy to misinterpret over e-mail, and my friend’s message could have easily been read as affectionate head shaking rather than a contemptuous eye roll.
All well and good, but might he be rationalizing?
He continues:
Hearing other people’s uncensored opinions of you is an unpleasant reminder that you’re just another person in the world, and everyone else does not always view you in the forgiving light that you hope they do, making all allowances, always on your side.
And shall I add – ouch?
The Cost of Telling the Truth
We’ve seen ultimate truth-telling played for comedic effect on film. But do we really want to know others’ truest perceptions of our decisions, our routines, and our follies – from finances to fashion, and romantic rencontres to our own impolitic commentary?
Do we care what people think of us more than we let on?
The opinions of friends and family are one thing. What of the larger sphere of casual acquaintances – the golfing buddy, the shopping companion, the neighbors, the cashier you’re convinced is whispering about your weight?
Can thoughtless remarks undermine every shred of hard-won confidence? Can they become an irrevocable wedge once words are exchanged? Can truth-telling encourage positive change, causing us to reconsider the way we lead our lives? Is it entirely a matter of who, what, where and when?
The Need to be Liked… and Loved
There’s no question that some of us need to be liked more than others, and overhearing any disparaging remarks could land a crushing blow. Do we automatically tip-toe around friends with a thin skin? Where is the line between hypocrisy and kindness? What of the disclosure when the speaker steps out from behind social niceties, and finally expresses an honest opinion?
Can’t affection and esteem include acknowledging our faults?
As Mr. Kreider suggests in his essay, when it comes to what someone thinks of us, even unconditional love doesn’t require approval of every aspect of our persona. Don’t we love our children and our parents – even when they drive us nuts?
How NOT to Tell a Friend the Truth
How not to tell a friend the truth – through email or any other way? The cutting observation, the zinger aimed at known vulnerabilities, oversharing – and breaking a confidence.
Constructive criticism is another matter, and appreciated as a valuable mirror, when angled appropriately – and kindly.
In human interactions, nothing is so black and white as our impressions of anyone else, much less ourselves. Reading between the lines in Mr. Kreider’s column, can’t we recognize the functional parts of the communication formula – sender, receiver, message, and context? The dangers inherent in letting the “truth” slip are clear: we place ourselves in an awkward position; we risk damaging relationships with others; we introduce doubt, distress, or a sense of betrayal.
We’re also reminded that when it comes to those we care about (and those who exert influence on our lives) – fastidious attention to words should be paid, and equally advisable – judicious use of “reply all.”
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Tact is under appreciated these days. Television is filled with reality shows where people just let it all out and it’s horrific to watch…one reason I don’t watch much TV. I am very wary of a reply all. I wish my husband didn’t even have that button on his computer.
Tact. A four-letter words we ought to all remember. I agree completely, Jennifer.
Great article. This sounds interesting. I have learned some lessons in truth telling. Everyone has their own. Regardless, I think there are times in our life when the truth must come out. If we’re always burying our truth to avoid hurting others we pay the price. It’s about balance, I think. Thanks for this post, D.A.!
So easy to make a blunder. May I also add, being careful when talking on the phone to someone, especially if they’re in their car and have the phone on bluetooth (speaker). I always answer a call, when it’s a family member or friend and I’m the one driving (because my phone answers with bluetooth when in the car), “Hi, Andrew and I are in the car, or your sister and I are here,” since a time when my two sisters and I were in the car and my mother called. She didn’t know we were there and she proceeded to blast our youngest sister’s kids and her mothering – yikes! My sister about died, had hurt feelings (of course) and we never said anything to our mom. Out of courtesy – let them know someone else is in the car.
I do make an attempt to be as kind to others as I want people to be with me. No one is perfect. We all have a journey to make. Sometimes we see something in others that we know would be best for them to address; but the same would be said for me.
I have learned with time and maturity aka Emotional Intelligence that I only see in others is thru my own lens of perception. It’s not up to others to change to my liking; but for me to change only me.
And as Jennifer mentioned: Reality T.V. has hardened us. Be nice to each other…love is all there is. And we can all use more of it.
It’s all about putting yourself into someone’s shoes, isn’t it? And I agree about reality TV. I cannot bear watching it. Good thing that most people are much kinder in real life.
@Cordelia, beautifully stated. Putting oneself in another’s shoes. Exactly.
I did one of those accidental ‘reply all’ emails at work…I can still hurt myself blushing about it, though the person I was criticizing was big enough to come back and ask for more feedback. I wasn’t actually criticizing her as much as chuckling about the business rivalry she was about to create with another woman who was very touchy about her territory. I’d like to think I (accidently) told her something she needed to know, but I’ve been very careful with that reply button in the years since.
I like Kreider’s last sentiment: “…if we want the rewards of being loved we have to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being known.”
Thank you Shelley, for pointing out that wonderful line from Kreider.
I would love, love, love if people told unfiltered truths. My frustration lies with the politically correct, socially aware. Forget that – don’t skirt the issue – tell me what you think. I can’t fix what I don’t know is broken – and I may not choose to do so even if it’s pointed out. But yes, I would like to hear the honest truth for a change. I am confident enough in myself to be able to manage the feedback.
I appreciate truth that is told personally – face to face. It allows for discussion, understanding and hopefully resolution.
I was once part of an organization. I learned that the people who were the decision makers were heading in a direction that concerned me. I wrote a letter and sent it to the entire board. However, one person heard it as a personal affront, which I had never intended. Thankfully, he called me and we were able to discuss my concerns and I was able to reassure him that nothing I said was aimed at him – it was a letter intended for the entire board. I learned that whether it is the phone, a letter, or an email, truth is best told in person. BTW – I eventually served on that board. What a thankless job that can be (not that it wasn’t rewarding at times). It made me appreciate that whole “shoe on the other foot” concept.
The tongue is the hardest animal to tame. Toothpaste moments is what I call them; when you say something and can’t really take it back, it’s like trying to put toothpaste back into the tube. It really can’t be done very well. We don’t realize that the saying, sticks and stones can break my bones, but names can never hurt me is simply not true. Bones can heal. Psyches sometimes have a harder time. While political correctness is not the answer, I used to work with a woman who had absolutely NO filters. It was hell and more than a little embarrassing at times. We all need to learn the art of tact, diplomacy and gentleness when we feel the need to offer correction in another person’s life.
“The tongue is the hardest animal to tame.” Can I quote you, Lisa?
Feel free…but I can’t take credit for the line! It’s inspired from the New Testament; but no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. -James 3:8
I had a close relative who had no filter. Felt she had the right to say whatever she wanted anytime, anyplace. Particularly as she got older and felt she earned the right. She alienated many people, and couldn’t quite understand why she was invited less and less to social and sometimes family functions; and, eventually lost friends. Her lack of tactfulness was her undoing.
There is an increasingly popular line from the movie A Few Good Men – “You can’t handle the truth”.
Not only is that often true, but I would add “Why are we so obsessed with the truth”? With the exception of situations like scientific accuracy and governmental transparency, do our everyday conversations really need the truth? Do we even know the truth? That seems like a radical proposition, but to a great degree it simply realizes that many truths are subjective, they change according to the actors and the points of view.
I suggest that when we are talking about other people, we are on solid ground to try to establish truth as best we know it. But when we are talking to someone, about them, the truth is much less important than what will help the situation. I’ve gradually come to see that everyone has come by their truths, and lived their lives in accordance with them, honestly. I can give them an honest opinion, if I think they can hear it, and benefit, although it isn’t always so. And at best, it is still an opinion. What I think is more constructive is to try to gauge the best compromise of what they can hear, can benefit from, and is kind.
Sometimes it is beneficial in the end to give unadulterated truth. Sometimes the situation warrants it. Sometimes the shock of an unexpected truth will prompt radical realizations. But it should be used judiciously.