I wasn’t an only child, but I may as well have been. For the most part I was on my own, and my older brother was a source of mixed emotions – and anything but a playmate.
At times I would’ve preferred to be an only child. At others, I daydreamed of a houseful of siblings in part to stamp out the reality of the one I had who, like many and without consequence, would taunt, tease, and torture in the ways that children can – cruelly.
I look back and wonder if being an only child would have meant happier beginnings, though “happiness” is a relative standard I prefer not apply, however pervasive its use in contemporary culture.
Still, which is it? Is the only child better off? Is the only child invariably a lonely or unhappy one? Is the only child spoiled or selfish as the recipient of all the parental attention? Are the parents better off, with less wear-and-tear on the couple’s relationship?
Are “Only Child” Choices Selfish?
Taking on this issue, The New York Times serves up “Only Children: Lonely and Selfish?” by author Lauren Sandler. As the mother of a single child and content with that situation, she seems weary of the social pressures relative to her choice.
Ms. Sandler writes:
If a child doesn’t have siblings, it’s generally assumed that there’s a hush-hush reason for it: we don’t like being parents (because we are selfish), we care more about our status — work, money, materialism — than our child (because we are selfish), or we waited too long (because we are selfish).
Citing studies to back up her position that only children are more intelligent, more motivated, and generally exhibit more self-esteem, one could easily conclude that a family with a single child is less selfish – if we’re considering the happiness, overall welfare, and future of the child himself or herself.
How Many Children Make a “Happy” Family?
Once upon a time, large families were the norm – for practical reasons (work to be done), not to mention lack of birth control.
Of course, with a houseful of kids there are other skills to be mastered as a matter of survival – caretaking, negotiating, fending for oneself – unless we’re talking about an extended family available to assist, or a well-heeled household in which paid caregivers supplement the parents’ capacity in the refereeing, listening, and chauffeuring departments.
Then again, aren’t some children always capable of entertaining themselves – with or without siblings, or for that matter, constant parental attention?
Looking at census data that reflects historical trends that show two as the preferred number of children since the 1970s, where does that leave those who explicitly elect to have one child? They may be content with their choice, their child may be well-raised and happy, yet don’t they face constant pressure from friends, family, even peers for a second child?
Only Children – Easier on a Marriage?
While I would hesitate to offer any conclusions relative to the ways that children weigh on relationships, I do believe that children put a strain on marriage. It may be politically incorrect to say as much, but that doesn’t make it any less true for some of us.
The early years are sleep-deprived to say the least – that blur shortened when dealing with a single child as opposed to more. Libido may fly out the window, resentments may build as Dad goes “to work” and interacts with other adults, or in the increasing number of dual-career couples, the mother nonetheless bears the larger brunt of childcare responsibilities.
Of course there are many fathers who share as much of the domestic duty as possible, and nor should we negate the joys and fascination of children at any stage. But what about the worries? The squabbles over money? The divergent positions on discipline, education, or parenting style? What of fatigue that persists for years, the temporary lapse in sexual intimacy that becomes more regular to the detriment of the couple? Is an only child a more sensible choice if you don’t have built-in support systems for a larger family, in order to tend to the care and feeding of the marital bond?
More Kids, Moderating Mortality
On the receiving end of my older sibling’s verbal barbs (not to mention physical altercations), the last thing on my mind was whether or not my parents would have an adult to care for them in their dotage.
Theoretically, the “mortality” issue plays into choices of family size, and may put undue burdens on the only child. Addressing the mortality issue from the child’s viewpoint, Ms. Sandler elaborates:
At the end of their parents’ lives, only children are sometimes said to be burdened in ways that children with siblings aren’t… there is something existentially troubling about the idea of facing one’s parents’ mortality alone…
Still, in my interviews with hundreds of only children, I found that this was the issue people felt most viscerally about when deciding whether they wanted to have one or more children.
Personal Choice Without Judgment
Ms. Sandler states that most of us have the first child for ourselves and the second for that first child. That wasn’t my case; I would have had a larger family if I could have – as a matter of an expanding heart which was the greatest revelation of becoming a mother – and hopeful that my sons or daughters would know closer sibling relationships than I had.
It’s a fascinating discussion and Ms. Sandler’s data are compelling. Ultimately, I agree with her when she concludes that these parenting choices are both profound and highly personal.
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I was an only, though not on purpose. My younger sister died in infancy. I never saw her. My parents were in their late thirties when I was born, and they were often not well, so I grew up “older”. It was fine…what else did I know? I developed a rich interior life and the ability to do things on my own that my friends seemed to need a pack to accomplish.
I had a son at the exact age that my mother had me, and it was a conscious decision on my part to have a second child, though I did jokingly demand a year of sleeping through the night before it again. Second son is five years younger. My dream was to give them both someone to have their whole lives, a brother, a bond I missed. And the boys are close, each with their own unique personality that balances the other, as good friends do. They talk, even as teenagers, about being uncles and the stories they will tell at each other’s weddings. So, yes, I guess that does hold up that theory.
I’ve watched my ex’s family (three girls, two boys, all different fathers) argue, fuss, fight, and inevitably come together year after year to remember their crazy, dysfunctional childhood fondly. Only is rich. Only has its perks and merits. You learn what lessons there are to be learned. But I miss that bond of inevitable connection, of knowing there is someone tied to you in some in definable way..”my sister.” perhaps I’m romanticizing it, but it seems pretty great to me.
Thank you for your thoughtful comments, Madelia. Like you, I’m pleased to see my sons respect and trust in each other, though they’re very different. I hope this continues throughout their lives.
I also understand the fantasizing for a sibling bond that is lifelong and solid. But there are no guarantees. Sometimes, even with a sibling, what should be a bond is an irreparable wound. I dare say there’s little predicting what we may experience at any point in time, for how many years, or if it will ever change.
As a single mother I often thought about each of my 3 children and how each would take into the world the feeling…actually my feeling of ‘not enough money” to explore and enjoy like such as trips or just how much easier it is to have money. So had I known I would eventually be a single parent and/or had I chosen to leave my marriage sooner I may have raised only 1 or maybe 2 kids and not 3. But I love all of them. And each of them in their own way has offered me lessons about myself that it such a gift. The money I regret not having does not compare to what I received in turn. Now that being said. It really made it touch on my kids. We live in a material world. I know even being in the US we are all rich beyond measure compared to 90% of the global community. But sometimes money is what you need. Plain and simple. My kids have seen me go thru tremendous loss including my house. More than one job to pay bills………so I think the fact they had and have each other is what helps. My two daughters will be working together on a film project and that makes me joyful. Well worth what all 4 of us endured and were strengthened by. Actually there are children in my extended family who have been given all that money can buy and they don’t seem as directed, focused or have any advantage other than travel and clothes. …I hope you followed my rambling and meandering…..Cheers! Pia
Thanks for writing about this, D., and I will this week too.
We stopped at one, even though I ended up wanting 2. Life circumstances (age, among many other variables) made one child the best decision for us. It’s just too bad that it took me years to accept and feel OK about that decision. I knew it was the right one, and I knew in my heart that our son would be just fine, but what I needed, to be honest (and which I didn’t realize until now) was validation from our culture and from my peers that we had made the right decision. I had my son in Japan, where only children are the norm. The cost of living is so high and the social structure (with men working 16 hours/day and women having sole responsibility at home) so backward that everyone *understands * when someone chooses to have only one child, or none at all. It’s different here, and I used to feel defensive about my decision, even among friends who really did understand.
I think it is a privilege to be able to consciously choose to have multiple children. There is an assumption here in our culture and our country that we’re all capable of having more than one child, or otherwise we wouldn’t denigrate parents/mothers who have only one.
It wasn’t until my son was 7 or so that I felt OK about our decision. Watching him grow from a quiet infant, we were seeing him emerge as an extroverted, affectionate, compassionate and extremely loyal friend. My biggest fear was not that he would become selfish or spoiled – I think that is up to us as parents to discipline and set boundaries and teach the right values – but that he would be too comfortable in his own company. As it turned out, he hates being alone and yes, he does occasionally feel lonely when school is out. So what he’s done is turn his energy into making friends and maintaining friendships. Seeing this gave me the validation that I needed – reassurance that he’s got wonderful budding interpersonal skills and the kind of temperament that means he will never be alone in this world.
I too am the mother of one daughter. After 4 losses and my daughter being born 14 weeks early, choosing to not put us through it all again we decided to not have any more children. For a long time people would comment on my having only one child and I would tell them the story. Always, I was given the “since you suffered so much you get a pass of having only one child” approval. My daughter turned 7 in Oct and I now realize things happen for a reason. There was a lot of pain and heartache when I lost the babies, but I realize I am much happier raising only one kid.
I’m an only child. It has its pros and cons. I got all the attention from my parents when I was young; when they were older and needed help, it was just me. It seemed a fair exchange. No one to argue with over the inheritance, such as it was. What amazes me about this post is the idea that others feel entitled to hold a judgement about what choices / acceptances others make with respect to family planning (or not). It’s almost as though they want to crawl in bed with everyone, to take part in intimate discussions if not acts. It’s creepy. When did personal issues become such public ground?
I can’t believe this debate continues and these assumptions persist. but they do. I can’t believe how many times I was told I had to have a second child, or that if you make a decision to have one, you have to have two. I was an only and have an only. I did grow up isolated, due to where I lived and other restrictions. Like Medelia, I developed a rich inner life. But also survival skills since I had emotionally incompetent parents. In many situations I felt like the parent. It was tough and one more person in the family would have pushed my mother’s sanity right over the edge. I would not have wished that kind of childhood on my sibling.
I have an only – a bright, generous and empathetic daughter who has volunteered her time at her childhood preschool and a Middle East Peace camp for every summer of High School. She is outgoing and gregarious with a close group of friends, most of whom are onlies. She has a very close relationship with her father and me and insists her childhood was the best and happiest imaginable. She says she has not missed having a brother or sister.
As of the issues of caring for parents, I do have responsibility for my now ailing mother. But my husband shares it with me. He has 2 siblings, who both moved far, far away to get away from THEIR dysfunctional mother, who is also ailing. So we have the responsibility for both of them! Their mother has personality disorders, one of which is extreme narcissism, always acting out to be the center of attention and not even seeing anyone else’s needs. So I see what could be considered streaks of selfishness in my husband and his siblings. They had a parent who only thought about her own needs and they, in many ways, followed suit.
I believe we are all born with a certain temperament (nature), and that temperament is shaped by parenting and other external circumstances (nurture, or lack thereof) and this is what creates our personalities and attitudes and values, not whether one has or has not had siblings.
Having siblings doesn’t ensure any close relationship later in life. My sister and I are not close and probably never will be. Entrepreneur’s brothers are the same way. Our four nephews want nothing to do with each other. Peanut is almost an only; she has a half brother who she adores, but doesn’t see very often Her parents want desperately to have more children, but the fates have not been kind yet. So no one really knows if she’ll be an only for the most part or not. But, it should be the decision of the parents whether to fill the house with children or have a one and only. And everyone else should hold their tongues.
BLW
I agree, it is definitely a personal choice of how many kids to have (at least in this country). Like any debate, there are always pros and cons. About 10 years ago, I taught English in China and currently teach some ESL classes to Chinese students in Ohio. China has had the one-child policy since 1978, so the college students now are mostly only children. Almost all of them comment that they wish they had siblings because they are lonely, feel pressure from their parents to be successful, and suffer mental issues from responsibilities to their parents. Of course , I realize they have the grass is greener mentality that most of us are prone to. I have 4 younger sisters, and wished they would disappear most of the time during my childhood. (most embarrassingly, now as well).