One child, two children, half a dozen?
More?
I remember the movie, Cheaper by the Dozen, and how much I enjoyed it when I was a kid. I also remember how much I wished I were part of a large family, even with all the bickering and hassle, with brothers and sisters I imagined would love me.
I was lonely as a child. I had friends, I had books, and I had one older sibling who was either utterly indifferent or remarkably cruel. That’s hardly a unique scenario and when I married, my childhood was certainly a determining factor in my choice of spouse and hope for a large family.
My desire for three or four children, which would have been entirely acceptable to his close-knit clan? I wanted to create what I did not experience, and what I felt that I was missing.
Pregnant Yet?
Newly married and over 30?
All you hear is “how soon are you going to start trying?”
One child?
You’re nagged about how soon you’re starting on Number Two, as everyone (and his brother?) seems to offer wisdom on the downside of being an only child.
But if you dare to dream of more than three or four? Welcome to the opposite end of the argument! In fact, in my experience of suggesting you’d like a large family, you may be subject to discourse along these lines: “What are you crazy? Aren’t there enough kids in the world?”
Damned If We Do, Damned If We Don’t
Motherhood? Damned if we do, damned if we don’t – and not only when it comes to parenting style but family size. In fact, as a logical follow-up to yesterday’s discussion of childfree families, I thought it reasonable to tackle the inevitable criticism if we opt for anything but a duo, or possibly a trio.
When it comes to the Kid Count, how is it logical that you’re selfish if you want none, selfish if you want one, appropriate if you want two, pushing it if you want three, and four or more – you’re selfish again?
Incidentally, my mother was one of three children, and my father was one of three children. My maternal grandmother was one of three, and my maternal grandfather was one of four. My paternal grandfather was also one of four, and my paternal grandmother was – to the best of my recollection – one of ten. I know those were different days, but my how the generational realities change!
Average Size of American Family
How many children are there in the average American family?
Some sources suggest that large families are making a comeback. However, census data reflects historical trends that show two as the preferred number of children since the 1970s.
Since I married into a European family, three or four children were nothing unusual, and I expected to feel right at home in that general zone. Of course, imagining pregnancy is different from getting through it and likewise, the tedious years (and sleep deprivation) of babies, toddlers, and little kids.
The reality of parenting is not the stuff of Hollywood movies. It can be grueling, libido-killing, and if money is tight or a child has special needs, the stress can be staggering.
Some manage it fine. Others, not so much.
Even when everyone is healthy, there’s no discounting the complications, the expense, the impacts on our sex lives (which we hope we retrieve and renew), and the drag on jobs and careers.
Secret Steps
So great was my yearning for a large family (or possibly a different one?), even as a teenager and young adult, I secretly hoped my father had a second set of children tucked away somewhere. I was more than willing to welcome a half-brother or half-sister into my heart – and the more, the merrier – at last, a large family, to whom I might “belong.”
Apparently, there aren’t any. It’s been a few decades. I’m still waiting.
As for the optimal number of kids – depending on the day and the workload? Depending on your point of view?
One is a piece of cake, especially with two parents and two incomes. You may not realize that until you have two, and I can only imagine that three makes a pair look like an easy hand.
Four or more? I always thought you might get a few “economies of scale,” and judging by the couples I’ve known in that situation, there is some truth to that – if you’re lucky.
Enough, Already?
The bottom line – for me – is that I love my kids. I feel fortunate to have them, and yes, I wanted more.
Looking back over the past twelve years in particular, I recognize that I barely made it with the two I have. So I tell myself it all worked out for the best.
Yet I am no less convinced that the raised eyebrow I received when expressing a desire for a third and possibly a fourth has no place in our culture. Why does anyone have a right to determine – much less comment – on my family size or family status?
To me, this boils down to women criticizing other women. I don’t know why we do it, but I would like to see it come to an end.
- How many children do you have?
- What do you consider the “ideal” family size and configuration?
- Has parenthood been anything like what you anticipated?
- Do you judge other women’s lifestyle choices, including their parenting?
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Well, I will risk running late for my massage appointment to read and comment right away (I only have one child, so I can do this (JOKE)). As the mother of one child, I’d wrestled with this issue for a number of years, both internally and among friends/acquaintances.
I’ve felt very defensive, to be honest, and for the first few years of my child’s life I found myself explaining my decision to friends, until one friend said to me, “I understand completely why you didn’t have more children. You don’t have to explain to me.” And realized, with the exception of one girlfriend, people really didn’t care.
Truthfully, I wanted another, but my husband, who is older and already has a child from a previous marriage, did not, and for understandable reasons. He would have to go through the diaper stage all over again as he approaches 50.
I was finally relieved of my burden of caring what others thought once I felt complete with my own decision. When I hit 41 or 42, I let myself let go of the desire, and I realized what a wonderful boy my single child was becoming. Social skills, compassion and ability to make friends are his strong suit, and I think this is because he’s had to rely on himself to go out, reach out and make friends. He has no built in relationships at home aside from those with me and his father. So many children can become good and happy people, regardless of how many siblings they’ve got at home. When I realized this, I allowed myself to make peace with our decision.
As a side note, I realized it was my friends and neighbors from China who kept telling me to have a second child. I never blamed them for wishing this for me. I understood.
Terrific post, D.
As you know, I have three kids. I’m one of three, my husband is one of three, and three was the number we gravitated toward once we had our eldest. It’s what we knew and what made sense to us. For awhile we thought about having four – but that was before the end of my pregnancy with my daughter which was fraught with medical drama and made us (me especially) want to quit while we were ahead.
We are in the great minority among our friends in having more than two kids, although our choice is met less with judgment than with bemusement (“You have three kids, five and under!? Are you insane?”). We also live in a conservative Christian community where larger families are relatively commonplace.
Before having kids, I had some trouble understanding why anyone wouldn’t want to have kids or would want to have only one – talk about naïve! But now I am much more accepting of whatever family unit works for the parent or parents involved. Who am I to say what is “ideal” when parenthood has made me realize that it’s the “real” we’re dealing with? And sometimes choosing not to have kids is the best parenting decision one can make.
I have three children and the number turned out to be just perfect. But, I remember the pressure from relatives about more than that. I have friends with seven and over and they raised them beautifully; yet, I do not regret not having more than three. We all just need to silence the voices around and do what we think is best for our own families. Contentment is a very important atmosphere for any child to be raised in. I refuse to hound my kids about the number of children they will have, but welcome each child with a smile on my face as a blessing. My first grandchild is due very soon, and if they have more than that is up to them. I will not say one word!
OK, so don’t pass out – I have 5 kids. I really only planned to have 2, then when they were both in school, I had one more. Then 2 more and done. Well, actually, not quite – I got remarried to a man with 3 kids – so the grand total comes to 8. At one time we had four kids in college and more complications than you could imagine – ex-spouses, huge legal bills, court cases , yet somehow we all managed,
Would I do it differently? Obviously fewer children means less financial stress and that would have been wonderful. But I can’t imagine what my life would be like without them and don’t regret any of it. I have a sister who took a very different path – no kids, financially secure for decades, with dogs she insists are “just like having kids”.
Lots of people expressed shock every time I got pregnant. As long as parents are able to financially and emotionally manage their family, I don’t think it’s anyone’s place to judge someone else’s choices. As with other life choices, I think the wisdom of Alice and Wonderland applies – ” you should learn not to make personal remarks”.
Yikes, Deb! What a houseful! (And I can only imagine a tiny bit of that college-finance-ex-complexity.) How wonderful to have a happy family – whatever its size. (And I bet yours is fun, too.)
I love your wisdom via Alice…
I have 1 brother, 2 children and my father is the youngest of 13.
13! Wow, Curtis. (Cheaper by the Dozen… Plus One?)
BLW,
As you know, I have one daughter. I’ve struggled with the idea of having another child, especially since both my husband and I are close to our siblings. But my window is closing to have another son or daughter, as I turn older, my age will make the decision for me. Even as I write this, I wonder if I will face regret 10 years down the road.
I am defensive when it comes to people commenting on my “just one child” status. I don’t understand why a woman’s reproductive status is up for debate. It is a private and personal decision between the couple and their family goals.
When approaching Entrepreneur about a third, he said we’d probably have another daughter and then we’d have three weddings to pay for! So, I stopped at two…two hands, two kids. Seemed perfect! Plus, having only one sister, I wouldn’t have known WHAT to do with a boy if I’d had one! Army Wife would love to have more children, but hormonal complications from a miscarriage earlier this year have kept that from happening. She’s hopeful, but it’s on the back burner now. Perfect-size family? The one you have.
“Perfect size? The one you have.”
Love that, Lisa.
BLW,
The oldest of three, I was convinced I only wanted two children. You know what they say about threes, right?
When my second child was born, after the death of his firstborn sibling, I knew immediately that I wanted more than two kids. I wanted a houseful, but it wasn’t to be in the cards.
Two miscarriages and a third birth later, my doctor suggested we tie my tubes, but I didn’t want to do anything permanent, because I just didn’t want to have regrets. I joke that my youngest grew tired of waiting for me to make up my mind because I conceived on birth control. I wanted four. Hubby said no…
It took me years to recognize the fact that I did have four children, only the relationship with my eldest would look differently than I’d dreamed of…that bond would stretch between heaven and earth…
How many is “right?” I think the biggest question a family should ask themselves is whether or not they can provide for their brood in the face of life’s diversity, life’s fullness, and life’s potential disasters…
Here’s to Motherhood!
~Annah
I am one of 2 children, have a younger sister. And I always wanted to have 2 kids. It was my “ideal” family thing. Till I had one boy and after about 3 years of having him I had accepted that I did not want any more. We (me and my husband) were just happy the way we were. Yes maybe we are selfish because we did not want to spend our time, money, energy and affection on raising another one. But this has worked out just fine for us. The 3 of us love being family and we have enough patience and love to go around. If for some reason in the future, our son decides to blame us for not giving him any siblings, then that’ll be sad but so be it. Loved your post, going to read others on your site 🙂
Lovely to have you stop by, Simran and read as well as comment. These issues of family size are so personal, aren’t they? And as another commenter said (Lisa I think), just because you do have siblings that doesn’t mean they’re in your life.