With a provocative subtext, The New York Times Magazine offers a glimpse into Barneys, the exclusive shopping haven long known to New Yorkers, currently undergoing a significant reinvention under the ownership of hedge-fund manager Richard Perry.
The message?
“Don’t give people what they want – because they don’t know what they want.”
Is that only true in consumer behavior? Is it also the case in life, in relationships, in careers? Does a “follower” mentality depend on personality and circumstances, on age and experience?
In asking “What’s a Store For?” and elaborating on the major transformation of Barneys as a New York institution, it is the larger questions about human motivation that I find intriguing.
Consumer Behavior
While fashion critic Cathy Horyn describes the changes in the once-upon-a-time men’s shop founded in 1923, she suggests that “the fundamental question” is the purpose of a store, as we spend so much of our time involved in e-commerce. She characterizes the Barneys experience as about “educating, expanding horizons, presenting the unexpected” and cites Gene Pressman, whose father founded the store:
“If you give your customers what they want, then you die,” Gene [Pressman] said. “The fact is they don’t know what they want.” Finding out what they want is one reason people still go to stores… for ideas and inspiration.
As I think about consumer behavior – and the retail shopping experience, I agree – especially while shopping at a physical location rather than letting the fingers do the walking.
Inspiration in the colors, the styles, the merchandising, the ambiance as a whole?
Absolutely. And I’m also likely to spend more, and more easily.
I Know What I Want! (Maybe)
As for not knowing what I want – it’s more likely to occur when I’m presented with too many choices. So I might buy the “tell them what they want” approach when it comes to consumer behavior – as long as I understand the value in what is being offered and it serves my goals.
But I may be happy to have an assist with the details.
By way of example, at the moment I’m struggling with whether or not to purchase a new phone or tablet. I know my needs but not how they translate into a specific solution. What I “want” will be influenced by a persuasive sales pitch, price points, and research.
That said, I’m not a “follower.” I ask questions, I make my own decisions; I do not typically require (or concern myself with) the approval of a group.
In other words, I don’t want to be told what I want; oddly, I’m a little more open to being told what I need.
Decision-Making as We Age
Even as a teenager I knew what I wanted – out of my life, my education, and my future. Naturally, those objectives changed over time. Yet I was never at a loss for direction, refining decisions as I gained experience and improving at the process of drilling down into specifics.
Specifics allow us to identify actionable goals and the means to achieve them.
When we’re young?
Everything is new. We’re absorbing. We’re assessing. We’re exploring and learning – or we should be – in order to zero in on what we might want, in part by understanding what we don’t.
The more we live – and live through – the more we come to appreciate what works for us, what gives us pleasure, what allows us to live in a manner we find acceptable, and more than acceptable if we’re fortunate.
What Do You Want Out of Life? Specifics!
If I tell you I know what I want at this stage in life, I do so with more certainty and a narrower focus than 10 years ago or 30. Yet I recognize that I have fewer specifics, which is both a sign of freedoms I possess currently, and likewise, constraints.
It’s an interesting conundrum because the specifics facilitate achieving the larger goals.
In fact, without the specifics, even if we can envision getting there – whatever “there” means – it’s nearly impossible to identify the necessary paths, even without the vagaries of our changing minds not to mention unexpected obstacles.
Isn’t this true of relationships, if we don’t determine what we want, not to mention – need?
Isn’t this true of our careers, once we’re knee deep in the reality of an internship in pediatrics or the weekly travel of the consultant? Don’t we begin to understand the sacrifices – financial and familial – when glued to a laptop in the writer’s haze?
Fun, Cars, Money, Meaning
Do you know what you want out of life? Is it within your grasp? Is the real issue how to get it, unable to identify the steps to get there, or the age and stage you’re at and impediments that result?
I ask my closest friends what they want and they’re crystal clear. All are in their 50s. One says he wants “to have fun” and maybe buy a new car (it’s been years). That friend is a man, divorced, employed, and his children are grown.
Another friend wants to pay her bills without worry and agonizing choices, not to mention to be able to afford health care. She’s divorced, working as an independent, and her children grown.
A third is married and has raised three of her four children to adulthood, while juggling a career and home life for 30 years. Her youngest is in college. What she’d like? Again, the issue of money comes up – she’d like fewer worries – and a rest!
My responses to what I want out of life?
I want more time (for relationships and writing). I want meaning – in everything.
Like my friends, I want fewer financial headaches. Then, even if only every few years, I might spring for a trip to Manhattan, and thoroughly enjoy wandering through Barneys, allowing them to “tell me what I want.”
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It is an interesting conundrum. When I was really, really young, I had the “I want it all, and I want it now” mentality. As I got older I started moderating/triangulating, and I traded away a lot of my wants for the sake of practicality (perceived, at least) and to lessen my frustration by reducing the gap. In recent years I have started to feel like I may have settled for way too little, and am working on reversing my approach.
The “I want it all and I want it now” of youth. Yes. Funny how that changes…
Do you think feeling as though you settled for “too little” is commonplace when we approach midlife? Is that feeling averted if we’re constantly assessing and adjusting? Or a fact of life if we’re raising kids?
In matters of fashion, my favorite approach is looking at catalogs from my favorite stores. I have zero natural style and so I appreciate the suggestions of what to pair with what. (I suppose working with a personal shopper would serve the same purpose, but I think it’s beyond my budget!)
As for other matters, I am getting much better at knowing what I want – and asking for it – as I get older. I used to defer more quickly to other people’s preferences. Now I know what I need in my days and realize that, if I don’t advocate for myself, no one else will.
Knowing it is one thing… and as you point out, Kristen, asking for it – or getting it for yourself – something else again. Advocating for ourselves. So important, yes.
Dearest D
We are feeling terribly zen today.
And so what came to mind is a koan such as “wants by their nature are never satisfied”.
It is entirely possible that a bout of Seasonal flu is on the way 😉
Cue: stare into middle distance with all needs met and all wants kindly asked to leave for the time being.
Waving, languidly, from nyc.
🙂 tgxx
Feel better, tg! (Lots and lots of tea.)
I would think the retrospective feeling of settling is probably very commonplace. I can’t speak to the children issue, as we didn’t go that way. But even without them, we were still assessing and adjusting, always striving toward a future that we hoped would be more rewarding. The problem was, we were assessing and adjusting with very different (unspoken) ends in mind, so I think our efforts were always, unknown to us, pulling us in cross directions. I don’t think either of us got what we wanted.
The “unspoken.” I hear you, Robert. Why does it take us so long to learn to articulate our needs and wants, or even our values?
I’d like to let Barneys tell me what I want too. I’m open to suggestions.
My husband says, every year, when his children ask what he’d like for Christmas, “There’s nothing I want.” If there weren’t so many books, and such limited time, and so many fun nail polish colors and dreams of a massage, places to see, flowers to adorn my tables, fun lipstick colors, beautiful cotton fabrics and fun tunics to go over my leggings, I’d say the same thing….
🙂 A little bit of Barneys would be lovely, wouldn’t it?
“I want more time (for relationships and writing). I want meaning – in everything.” Those are noble and achievable goals Madam Wolf.
A few years ago I realized how brilliant Thomas Jefferson really was. Sure we all know and are taught in school how brilliant he was, but it was almost an epiphany when I realized he included the meaning of life in the US Constitution: “the pursuit of happiness.” When you think about wants and needs it really can be reduced to the pursuit of happiness, not the goal of happiness itself.
Whatever you own, have, or live, it can all be taken from you in a blink of an eye. Most people have some things, but not everything or nothing. Hence we are pursuing whatever it is that we value. Too often these things are material and monetary. What most people do not realize is that people have lifestyles according to and often to the extent of their means. Said another way, people live and spend to the extent they can, regardless of the increase or decrease in resources.
As one who grew up with little money, made money and then in part walked away from money for a better life and family (then ironically became divorced), I can say that 1) I truly value and strive to have intimate relationships with my family, friends and partner, 2) enjoy and appreciate every moment of everyday, 3) experience more things and in meaningful ways, 4) challenge myself to better myself, 4) better the world and others lives, 5) spiritually explore and hope to have a better understanding, and 6) appreciate honesty. Do I like my expensive watches and suits? Of course but at the end of the day they really mean nothing without the 6 things listed above.
I have to say I really hate the notion of “Settling” which to me is part of the “grass is greener” phenomena. We make choices based on our values at the time. Hopefully we have good values and make good choices. If not, the choice is made and you cannot hit the “reset” button. If a current choice is made on the basis of settling, then that is the choice based on your values, and if you are not happy perhaps the values or choice needs to be reassessed.
Speaking of Zen, the Buddhists believe that regret is a wasted emotion that drains energy and time. The notion of settling is by nature regret. So don’t settle or don’t view it as settling and be happy with your choice.
It is Christmas and we just had Hanukkah. The Gelt and presents are not important, but the experiences and enjoyment of the time we spend with people we care about is priceless and can never been seen as settling.
I’m certain I wouldn’t want someone to tell me what I want. Advice about what I need might be welcomed. Wants and needs are two very different things.
I’m not much of a shopper, so I always appreciate when an experienced and well-informed sales person helps lead me through the merchandise.
What I value is a family, friendship, a sense of belonging, and a place to call home.
My age is sort of an impediment to the dreams I had for myself when I was younger. When I became a mother, I put my dreams aside. I don’t regret it exactly, but I feel like I should have considered the bigger picture.
Robin, this is (sadly) such a familiar tune for women. We take on motherhood and set out dreams aside – not intentional and not regretfully “exactly” – yet we look up and realize just how much was sacrificed.