“Your perception of yourself is not the way the rest of the world sees you,” he says. These are the words of a friend and I won’t pretend it isn’t the first time I’ve heard them.
Still, it’s been awhile.
Convinced the gap between my perception of self and that of others has narrowed over the years, the remark catches me off guard. If not parity, I was certain I had achieved clarity – in the extent and context of what I know – versus what others may see.
Note the bias in that statement – “what I know.” I am aware of my own tricks of language.
So is there clarity, really? Do we ever move beyond our earliest versions of self-image?
We’ve all read about women and girls, and the prevailing wisdom that we suffer from lower self-esteem. At the very least, when we’re younger. Not surprisingly, this was a recurring theme in a compelling series of “letters of advice to my 20-year-old self” which women wrote this week.
These are words by women across the country. Women of dramatically different backgrounds. Women looking at themselves from the vantage point of midlife.
Women and Low Self-Esteem: Myth?
But could low self-esteem be myth, when drilling down into specifics?
According to this 2010 article in Psychology Today, “The Truth About Women and Self-Esteem,” girls don’t necessarily “lose their voice” in adolescence, never to find it again. In fact, Dr. Susan Nolen-Hoeksema writes:
Women’s identities, we are told, are fragile and conflicted: at work they feel like frauds and at home they feel worthless…
A 1991 study by the American Association of University women announced that girls “lose their self-esteem on the way to adolescence.”
The problem is that none of this is true for the majority of women, and hardly at all for girls of the 21st century.
Does that mean this perception deception when it comes to our own capabilities or appearance belongs to prior generations of women?
Even that is too sweeping a question. We need to look in more detail at the dimensions of self-esteem. Moreover, Dr. Nolen-Hoeksema also disputes that these issues are significantly more prevalent in adult women, warning:
The mischaracterization of women’s and girls’ identities as weak and conflicted has many potential negative consequences. As psychologist Jean Twenge concludes, the widespread belief that girls and women have low self-esteem and flawed self-concepts can set up negative expectations and self-fulfilling prophecies.
Self-Selecting, Self-Fulfilling?
In reading the Psychology Today article, I’m pleased to see that we’re addressing dimensions we too readily toss into a single Self-Esteem bucket.
For example, I never doubted my intelligence, though I doubted myself in other ways. So shouldn’t we separate out confidence in academics, confidence in specific talents like music or sports, confidence in communicating, and confidence in appearance?
And why is it that last item continues to drag our overall confidence down, down, down?
As for the assertion that less of a self-esteem problem exists than we might think (or perception gap, for that matter), I would agree to an extent. But my own experience and that of women friends tells a different story.
Can we deny the disparities in the 45+ dating market? What about the persistent statistics of lower (female) earnings, at least in part due to our own (value) expectations? What about the disproportionate compromising that women do in general, losing count of those daily decisions – hundreds of them – remaining in our hands as we juggle jobs, marriages, households, and child-rearing?
When we look up, when we take a breath, years may have passed and time marks its presence on our faces and our bodies.
But isn’t that true of the men as well? Why must we continue to hold our women to a more restrictive and unnatural standard?
Back to the Future? Back to the Body
Then – at 35 or 45 or older – don’t we cycle back to the same insecurities about our bodies? Just as we are encouraged to focus on ourselves again, or marriages that end require us to do so?
This isn’t as simple as “caring what others think” (or not); appearance materially affects our ability to survive – to get jobs, to successfully partner, to feel good enough about ourselves to act in positive and healthy ways.
I repeat: This goes beyond what others think; appearance remains a factor in our ability to compete.
You may say I’m making assumptions, and I am. You may say I’m looking at a specific demographic and without data, and that’s true.
This doesn’t mean I don’t see improvement – in my own life, and that of friends. I also see the positive presentation of improvement – “spin” if you will – in our own attempts at self-fulfilling prophesy of the best possible sort, and yes, genuine, honest, authentic progress toward acceptance.
Women and Self-Esteem 2.0 (As We Grow Older)
I’m not sure I buy the premise that we’re as off the mark as the 2010 article suggests. I don’t doubt its data, and I applaud its highlighting of specifics.
But if anything I see the problem with regard to appearance growing worse. Wouldn’t the market for cosmetic and surgical procedures seem to reflect this? Do adolescent issues with body image resurface as we approach midlife? Or do we finally begin to let them go?
My own perception-deception gap?
When it comes to intelligence I still feel perfectly comfortable. That doesn’t mean I recognize my areas of weakness, but I’m confident in my abilities, and my ability to learn.
Appearance? Issues of weight, body shape, and overall attractiveness?
Like most women (I know), how I feel about that varies. I’m certainly not as obsessed as I was in my younger days. Nor am I as thin-skinned as I found myself in the first few years after divorce – and a couple of kids had certainly left plenty of traces on this woman’s body!
Culture, Competence, Self-Image
I’ve been able to retain a touchpoint – in my head and my experiences – to a more holistic sense of sexuality and self, that thanks to my “French” experience more than anything else, and Frenchmen with whom (generally) the definition of a woman’s appeal is more than a comely body or an unlined face.
During the years I spent in Corporate America, non-stop productive activity reinforced my awareness of competence. Any preoccupation with appearance (beauty, attractiveness) registered less on my personal radar.
So was that a matter of intention or circumstance? Once out of that environment, did the balance shift again?
As I consider the words offered by my thoughtful friend – he’s absolutely correct. My perception of self is surely askew, largely in matters of appearance rather than competence. He reminds me to reflect on where I am and who I am, to re-read my own words often enough to reassert their value, and to recognize the distance I’ve traveled in reckoning with the perception gap and its basis in cultural reality.
So I return to this discussion of women and weight, viewing my statements as ongoing progress.
My sense of comfort in my own skin is dependent on eating in a healthy manner, exercising in moderation, and fitting my clothes – at a size that is appropriate for my age and stature.
In my head? I continue to struggle at times, and I may always do so – arguing with the self-image drawn in childhood, while focusing on the woman I am.
I wonder how many other women could say the same, whatever their age?
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I am struggling with this – I am 52 and really have no clue what 52 should look like.
I am watching Somethings Gotta Give on tv at the moment – I adore Diane Keaton and figure she was around my age (or older) when the movie was filmed and I don’t think she has had any surgery or botox. I think she is stunning and a lot of it is the light she emanates.
I am happy to be classy, elegant, intelligent – and hopefully attractive – but every time I see myself lately – and I have been very stressed and tired – I am shocked by my reflection – when did I age so much?
My husband looks great – has thick dark hair, olive skin – and I know I look older than him. But he adores me and that’s all that should matter … but iI guess this is the price you pay when you put a high value on appearance – sooner or later you have to confront change and what age does to you – it’s not pretty.
I just wish we had more examples of how to age well – where it’s not just about clothes and makeup and jewellry etc – and more about substance and strength and wisdom and humour … and honour the beautiful, truly beautiful women of our world – I am sick of seeing the same old same old women – female stereotypes in the media.
I am almost surprised when I see an older woman …
I have no clue how I am perceived by others – but one thing is for sure – when I am doing what I am passionate about and talking about things I love – I know I am illuminated and animated – and that is ageless.
You’re watching a marvelous movie, Vicki Lee. “Something’s Gotta Give” at least addresses these issues with some nod to reality! Then again, I doubt most of us look like Diane Keaton (at any age). And I agree – it is, or should be – about that “light,” the energy, the tenderness, the vivacity, the conviction, the sense of who we are that we project and follow through on.
Our confidence in holding on to all those aspects of ourselves, and their value. Our value. Contributing. Living our passions (if we can). That does indeed make a difference!
Yet we continue to struggle, don’t we.
I wonder what would happen if we just said no? No to the photoshopping, the airbrushing, the procedures. At least if some of us did – and showed ourselves with our lines, our curves, our beautiful imperfections which we need to perceive as beautiful first. And therein lies the rub.
I just turned 50 and have also been under a lot of stress. I don’t even recognize myself when I look in the mirror these days, but along the lines of your piece, I’m not sure if the shock is due to reality (I really look oooollllllllld) or the fantasy that I would always look 35, or the burden of comparing myself against the image of cosmetically enhanced older women. Anyway, the whole thing feels crappy. It’s the first time in my life I haven’t felt like a babe…but then, I think, I took way too much self-esteem from my appearance when I was younger.
So many good points, Pauline. The emphasis on looks when we’re younger (and we somehow assume they’ll last forever), comparison to unrealistic (Photoshopped?) images in media… And yes, it feels crappy. Then again, with less stress, wouldn’t some other aspects of our selves begin to shine more brightly in our own minds?
You make so many interesting points here, leaving me with a lot to think about vis a vis my own feelings of confidence as I get older and move on from my child-bearing years to my child-rearing ones.
One thing that came to mind while I was reading is how lucky I feel to have had the chance to play sports as a kid. That may seem totally random, but learning about how my body works, learning how to perform under pressure, learning teamwork: all of these things gave me a lot of confidence in who I was at my core (and not just what I looked like). I always feel more confident now when I am in the middle of one of my on-again phases of being committed to exercise. Clearly 20 year old women have a lot of negative pressures in our culture. But I’ll be curious to see the effects of Title IX – if any – in combating media images of who a woman “should” be/”should” look like.
Great points yourself, Kristen. More involvement in sports would assist us in valuing our strength, our competence in strategy and teamwork, and so much more. It will indeed be interesting to look back in a generation, and see if this has helped.
I’m mixed on this topic. I watched our oldest daughter, a confident and outgoing child, dissolve into a mass of insecurity when she hit 11-12 years old. Gifted academically and athletically, she was beaten down by members of her own gender in middle school who saw her as a threat. A threat to what at age 12, I don’t know. But it messed with her psyche until she graduated high school. Nothing we did to encourage her seemed to help. Contrast that with the youngest, who breezed through those tumultuous teenage years with no self-esteem scars. In fact, in college when a Women’s Studies instructor asked her to describe a time when she felt discriminated against because of her gender, she told her she’s never had such an experience. Two daughters, raised in the same house with the same values experiencing the same activities…with very different experiences.
I think my personal confidence has increased over the years with maturity. I just don’t let some of these things affect my self-worth anymore. If someone doesn’t like what I say, do, dress, believe…if I’m truly confident in my choices, then it’s obviously their issue to deal with!!
I’ll soon be in my mid 40s and, alas, my acceptance of my appearance is the one area in which I haven’t made significant strides. Competence, communication, etc., all of that I’ve been able to grow and develop and feel good about. I was recently looking at pictures from 10+ years ago and was surprised to find myself telling my 30 year old self, ‘You were beautiful.’ From my 43 year old eyes I looked beautiful, because now I can look in hindsight and be appreciative of what I had then (like nice skin) since I know the changes to come. But in my 20s and 30s I was holding up fashion models and celebrities and my flawless college roommate as ideals. How much time and energy I had wasted obsessing about my looks!
But I think I obsess because looks seems like the one area where I can’t do anything to change things, unlike work or other abilities. So echoing what Kristen said about sports, I’ve recently tried to become more active. Feeling capable and strong in my body won’t straighten my teeth or restructure my jaw line but it will make me feel younger , more confident and, dare I say, sexier.
Oooh, there is a lot to say here. I am glad I didn’t miss this. I would love to talk about this to a woman in her 90s, who broached this subject when there weren’t so many options such as Botox and lasering and whatnot available. Yes, there was cosmetic surgery but certainly not for everyone. Now we think that we all can and should look like movie stars because we have the same tools available as they do. Perhaps I am gathering too much information from novels but it didn’t seem to be the same issue in the past as it is now. There was a time for each part of our lives and people didn’t fixate on an unachieved perfection, did they? Or did they? Now we want the wisdom of our years PLUS the body and face of our youth. It is a little bit much, non?
Also, I must say I have a very different viewpoint about the whole “French” outlook on aging based on my own experience so far of living here from ages 32-43. I think women here are allowed a longer sexiness…as long as they stay thin. I was very thin for most of my adult life and after some health issues gained thirty pounds. I definitely am no longer at all even on the radar of men’s attention (which while fine as I am involved with someone, it is still a little painful) and that shift clearly happened after I gained weight. Not sure where I am going with that other than to say, it isn’t “better” in France, just different.
But who am I to say? I was actually at my most confident in my 20s and it had nothing to do with my looks but with who I was and everything I was doing. I will look forward to reading the other letters to a younger self but mine would certainly have been filled with advice to “guard that inner fire preciously and let it burn as long as it can.”
So much to address in your comments, Heather. I do think France allows for a longer period of “sexiness” as you say, and I also recognize that the focus on thin was far more important than a face that showed its lines. At least, in the past. (Perhaps Tish might have more to say on that subject?)
And yet, I was single (again) and older than you are now, and dated in France. Had a few glorious relationships with French men who remain friends. I am, by no stretch, “thin.” All that said, I was “warmly” received in the dating world on your side of the ocean. Une ronde by French standards, mais pas trop quand-meme, but viewed as womanly.
My own suspicions are that many men actually like women with something to hold onto. Not all, obviously. (One man I dated post-divorce, when I was absolutely scrawny, thought I should slice and dice everything to be tinier and flatter still.)
I wonder how much of this is us, projecting, and more so as we feel vulnerability with our aging process. That doesn’t mean men don’t want the Babe-of-the-Year on their arm if possible, but in their lives and their beds? A woman with all the diverse qualities to hold their attention. And isn’t the brain the sexiest organ there is?
That said, sadly, I know France is having increasing problems with obesity and overweight. Thanks to changes in lifestyle and eating that aren’t especially good. So much for the influence of this side of the ocean.
I am now 64 and I am the most confident I have ever been. I hit my stride at 50 and have never turned back.
Love it, Madge!