It never occurred to me to talk politics with the man I was marrying, though he often got into heated debates with his friends and family over any number of issues. And he felt strongly about politics. But at the time, I didn’t.
I did feel strongly about him. I knew his shortcomings (as he knew mine), and the fact that our political views lived at opposite ends of the spectrum seemed utterly immaterial.
I was wrong.
I knew just how wrong when our first big fight came, as he insisted that I needed to vote the way he wanted me to, and I refused. So tell me, will you vote like your spouse – because he or she wants you to?
As if it weren’t shocking enough (to me) that he thought he had a right to control my vote, it turns out our politics were indicative of our value systems – and the vast gulf between his world view and my own. We aren’t talking matters of tax rates or deficit reduction, but social issues and ultimately morality – a sort of “every man for himself” approach versus mine, which is anything but.
And these beliefs were surely infused into our daily lives.
Dating, Mating, and Politics
The occasional political discussion popped up while we were dating and after, but peripherally. I generally kept mum and on the sidelines during these vociferous debates; I was no match for the prosecutorial panache of a man who loved a good argument.
Our divergent opinions tended to rest on social programs like extended maternity leave with the right to return to your job, unemployment insurance that actually meant you didn’t drop off a cliff after just weeks, and in general, the plight of the poor. The bottom line for him was money; specifically, paying less taxes. For me, it was about quality of life – and not for the few.
At the time, we were in our 30s, and both working in corporate America in a stable economy. We had babies on board; they were my responsibility. We relied on a host of employer-provided benefits including medical and dental care, life insurance, short term disability, long term disability, and briefly at least – the promise of a pension plan in addition to eventual social security.
That this economic stability might change radically wasn’t even a consideration.
Marital Expectations, Parenting Expectations
Looking back – some two decades – I can only say that my simplistic view of marriage and parenting was laughable. When it came to division of labor and mutual professional compromise, I would characterize my expectations as impossibly naïve – and impossible to achieve. I was the caretaker of the children, and though my career continued, it was downshifted to a lower gear which, in part, allowed my spouse to take the opposite route, pursuing his options more freely.
I will add that I was okay with this arrangement at the time, without realizing the repercussions that might come later.
And it never occurred to me that our political differences – which became glaring when we hit the 1992 presidential election – could indicate serious troubles ahead. Politics as a predictor of marital harmony?
I wouldn’t have guessed it.
Politics Point to Value Systems
Last year I read a provocative column by journalist Delia Lloyd, “How Diverse Are Your Friends Politically,” in which she addresses the issue of politics and friendships. She mentions differences in ideology, and how easily we make assumptions about those we know. That was the first time I connected the dots in my marriage – realizing that if I had paid attention to my future spouse’s political positions, I would have questioned our compatibility in ways that proved to be vital during our marriage as well as in the contentious decade after divorce.
I will add that his beliefs are hardly unique in this country. On the contrary. Yet our first big fight was over my decision to vote for Bill Clinton in 1992, and our second big fight was – you guessed it – four years later when I cast my vote in 1996.
Types of Political Differences
We fought rarely; these battles were notable exceptions. But among his opinions at the time were that the unemployed were “losers,” and those living in poverty, responsible for their own destiny. He viewed his native (European) country’s social programs as excessive.
Simply put, I disagreed.
Vigorous discussion over economic policies? That’s one thing. Over fundamental value-based social programs? A world view? Very different indeed.
Incidentally, only a few years later I was one of those “losers,” laid off in a corporate restructure as we were separating. Those precarious finances often associated with gray divorce? I continue to live with the ripple effects even today, a combination of the free fall following the loss of once-upon-a-time secure employment, and constant skirmishes in post-divorce life. My ex, however, went on to Bigger and Better Things, more or less without a hitch.
Pay Attention to Signs; Vote Your Conscience
Why do I bring this up now?
Marrying the “right” person is about so much more than attraction, than shared interests, than love – though all of these are important. To some extent I’m emphasizing the importance of common values, and politics is one way to measure whether or not they truly exist.
On another level, this is a reminder that married or not, we each own our vote. To be swayed, goaded, or emotionally blackmailed into voting the way a spouse wishes – or parent or employer for that matter – is throwing away a fundamental right.
So I ask again: Will you vote like your spouse? Will you do so to keep the household peace? Will you vote your conscience no matter what?
Politics May Change; So Can Luck
Life experience changes us. Some is the result of our doing that becomes our undoing. Some is a matter of unforeseeable circumstance. Some, dumb luck. As our situations change, so may our politics. Perhaps we grow more conservative in some arenas, and more liberal in others.
Given that the framework of these thoughts is politics and partnership – specifically, marriage – I would be remiss if I didn’t address the gender gap, even in passing. What baffles me is that the political gender gap isn’t greater given the clear differences in priorities and perspectives. Shall we rattle off a few examples? How about reproductive rights, earnings parity, and health care decisions that threaten to set women and families back half a century?
Think that one sentence sums it up? Not even close. Do check out Nicholas Kristof’s detailed opinion piece on how Mitt Romney would treat women, in today’s New York Times. It’s a frightening prospect, certainly to me.
As for jobs, the economy, energy, national security – we must always balance short-term with long-term goals, but we can never predict where disaster will strike. If the past week of hurricane devastation proved nothing else, surely it has proved that.
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I got lucky and married the only liberal on her side of the family. We do NOT talk politics at her-side family gatherings. My family is split and I’m loathe to admit, my son votes for the Republicans. I still love him though… :0)
You and Suzy always make me smile, Gandalfe. I’m guessing you genuinely work as a team, and yes, you both got very lucky! 🙂
Can you believe here in Australia currently am watching a documentary on Obama … and … even more unbelievable – live coverage of the election results on local television. So we have no say in the results but are exposed to the hype and media exposure even way down under.
Vicki Lee – I am surprised! I will admit we’re all weary of the non-stop ads and news items. Then again, this election feels more important than any in a very very long time. If for no other reason than the likelihood of a change in the Supreme Court, the potential impact is enormous, and extends far beyond the next four years or purely our American shores.
I know I could not fall in love with someone who didn’t share my politics. Marriage is hard enough without that rift. Also, since I married young (19) divorced at 39 I was much stronger and more powerful than my ex ever was. I lived the women’s movement and he was lucky he got a seat at our dining table.:)
There’s an interesting article over at Huff Post by respected relationship expert Michele Weiner-Davis on, among other things, approaching the political divide in her family. I find myself wondering what issues she, hubby, and kids differ on. Some types of differences seem manageable. Others – not so much. It’s an excellent article. (Pop over and read.)
Good luck on Tuesday; I hope your country makes the right choice and gives Pres Obama another four years 🙂 As for spousal voting, it indicates a deeper control problem if a spouse requests compliance in the voting booth; luckily secret ballots solve that and other strong arm tactics.
“I was much stronger and more powerful than my ex ever was. I lived the women’s movement and he was lucky he got a seat at our dining table.:)”
In politics as in other matters, I always do exactly as my spouse tells me.
Are we voting the same? YES! We are writing in “This election is bogus.” We will then take a picture of this and post it. I’ll stand outside the polls along with the candidates’ representatives, holding my sign “I will not participate in a presidential election run by mega-corporations and wealthy individuals.”
This does not refer to the electoral concept in general, and we will be voting at the local level. Good thing she’s not a Republican. 🙂
I have some wealthy conservative friends. We know our differences in this regard and know enough to leave these particular topics alone.
I’m sad to say that in my 20s I voted like my first husband did, simply because I didn’t know or care enough to do differently. I wasn’t that much more politically interested in my 30s. Until my second husband, a Rush Limbaugh fan, took to calling me a ‘feminazi’ because I had a better paid job, in an office, and kept control of my money (having seen it completely cleaned out for the two months we had a joint account, so much so that I wondered how I would pay the utility bills). That name calling, along with hearing that Clinton respected the opinions of his wife, prompted me to go to quite a lot of hassle to cast an absentee ballot when I worked out I’d be out of state on election day. I knew it made my husband angry that I’d cancelled out his vote with mine, but frankly he shouldn’t have started calling me an ugly name, not even in humour – which it wasn’t really. That was the beginning of my awakening about why I should at least have a passing interest in politics…and yes, I have jumped through the many hoops to cast my vote in Utah, my last place of residence in the US. Whether it will actually go in the ballot box, who knows?
AMEN. I would not do something a partner insisted upon simply because he wanted me to do it his way. In a dating relationship that, like political differences, would be a red flag for me.
Like you I doubt I would have given this much thought years ago. Today, I am willing to listen and converse, but I have strong opinions that inform the way I live and treat others. I’m not sure I’d be compatible with a hardcore Republican, or a conservative Christian or… or….
I also read and commented on the HuffPost article, because my husband and I have never voted for the same presidential candidate. This year has become especially uncomfortable at times, because I feel so strongly about voting for my choice. The thing that keeps us from letting this difference get really ugly is that my husband agrees with me (and disagrees with his candidate) on all of the social issues, but feels compelled to vote for what he believes will improve the economy. We are small business owners, and that’s where his priorities lie. If he could, he would vote as I do for social issues and as he chooses for economics. I would say that he is a very moderate republican and I am a somewhat moderate democrat, so we meet in the middle.
Speaking as the “Midlife Crisis Queen,” one who lost my marriage, my job, my career and almost my home in my own personal mini-recession back in 2004, until you lose just about everything, it is sure easy to call other people losers.
Funny how life crises can teach us so much about compassion for both ourselves and others. That is why I wish crises on everyone sometime in their lives. So much to learn, so little time…
http://www.midlifecrisisqueen.com/2012/11/03/worst-bring-us/
Well, my honey and I don’t vote in the same country so this question is a bit mute for me at the moment but I can not imagine being in a relationship where my partner and I weren’t eye to eye on nearly all of the issues involved in this particular election–so I give Sharon a lot of credit.
BLW, leave it to you to bring up such an interesting question today. Merci.
Politically, I have friends and family from opposite sides of the spectrum – very liberal and very conservative – and some that are moderate.
I have married friends who do not vote for the same party – she is liberal and he is conservative. It allows for discussions about the issues from someone they respect, even if they don’t agree. They’ve been married 30 years.
I think when you surround yourself with only people who are “like you”, you end up living in a bubble, and eventually everyone in the bubble starts to think they are “right” and everyone else is “wrong”. It is how extremists are born.
As for my husband? He and I share similar values and we have similar political views, and we have had changing political positions over the years. We are not registered with the same political party, but we usually vote the same – not always. He would never expect me to vote the way he votes, or vice versa.