“Are you madly in love?” she asks. It’s an old friend on the phone. I don’t want the little smile to show. The smile that says no.
He asks me now and then. It’s become a sort of private joke between us. I give him the same little smile, and usually, I shake my head no.
Have I ever been madly in love?
Of course. Have you?
I’m guessing the answer is yes.
But is “madly in love” a good thing? A necessary thing? The one true test of passion or commitment? Or is it a fickle and misleading state of euphoria which psychologists refer to as limerence?
Some believe that limerence, a hyper-romantic attachment to a partner, is more likely to occur when childhood has been characterized by emotional instability, or there has been a trauma, or several other psychological factors. Whether or not that’s true, I haven’t the qualifications to say. I will offer this: “madly in love” feels great!
Madly in Love vs Lasting Love
But those feelings of being madly in love don’t last. They’re like a sugar high. Relationships naturally evolve into something else, and if we expect that same level of ecstatic response on a continual basis, we’re in for disappointment, and typically – a breakup.
I admit I have felt those feelings – more often when I was less experienced (yes, you may read that as younger), but I was also afflicted with that particular madness in my 40s! And again at 50! Hell… I’m as flirty and feisty as ever, and I recognize that life after divorce incited moments of renewed adolescence – experiences I look at as testing my heart’s capacity to feel good.
Fortunately, I had the maturity to know that time is necessary to assessing the viability of a relationship long-term. “Madly in love” ends, and doesn’t necessarily predict a partnership that will grow and endure.
Limerence and Infidelity
I bumped into a nice treatment of limerence in a Your Tango article from last year. It was written by one of its resident experts, inspirational speaker Joe Beam, who addresses this phenomenon in the context of infidelity, including scenarios of emotional affairs.
Claims of being madly in love with another person may be used to justify any behavior, and the parties involved genuinely suffer as they wrestle with their feelings and whether or not to leave their marriages.
If they do divorce and remarry the object of their affection – they may find themselves sadly disappointed when the intensity and newness of the relationship wears off.
Rewriting History
The article describes the feelings involved as follows:
Those in limerence generally feel that no one else possibly can understand what it feels like because there is nothing else close to it in our emotional experiences.
The author goes on to explain that we typically forget that we may have felt this way before. In fact, our Remembering Self may differ greatly from our Experiencing Self as we rewrite history, even unintentionally.
The article continues:
Unfortunately, we live in a society which touts romantic love as the “be all end all” on TV, in movies, in magazine articles, in novels, and so forth. Yet the people who produce those things will not have that level of intense romance for a lifetime, either. As the work of Helen Fisher, PhD, has proven, that kind of intensity is meant to bring us together, not keep us together.
My Emotional Path Through Love
Am I madly in love?
No.
Am I grateful for that fact?
Absolutely.
In part, it tells me that my feelings of esteem, attraction, friendship, playfulness, trust, passion, engagement, and a growing sense of connection to the man in my life all make a good fit – one which I hope is equally delicious for both of us.
Do I have moments of feeling that all-powerful “bliss?” An utterly pervasive feeling of contentment?
You bet.
But I have no expectation (or need) to walk around in a euphoric state. I’m appreciative of exactly where I am: I love deeply, I love carefully; just another of the many contradictions that some of us consider “normal.”
And so far, no protest from the other most precious party involved in this equation.
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I’ve been married for 23 years, and I have a great relationship with my husband – I’m very fortunate. However I will always remember that euphoric and overwhelming feeling of first falling in love with a bit of wistful nostalgia – there was never anything more exciting and intoxicating!
I hear you, Sharon. But those feelings typically don’t last. And too many of us don’t stick around to see if they can build what you have – a quality relationship that is deeper and more reliable.
(But don’t get me wrong – that intoxication, as you say, is heady stuff!)
Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one.
Fran Lebowitz
#enoughSaid
😉
waving from soho.
_tg xx
Ah, tg… So true!
Madly in love does feel good – while it lasts. But it also blinds one a bit and I think it important, when entering a long-term relationship, to see clearly. Of course, I had to learn that the hard way.
Our greatest lessons, Carol. The hard way. Too often.
I have moments where I feel madly in love with my husband again, but they’re certainly not as intense as that first time. I know, for me, there is something beautiful about having a relationship that outlasts those first moments and continues through the shitty stuff. I guess I think that being madly in love is fun, it’s not as beautiful.
Oh, Amber. Such gorgeous words. However did you become so wise, so young?
Madly in love was why I had to blog about my Southwestern futon covers. It’s a fantastic feeling (the madly part, not the covers) but not sustainable. Luckily sometimes it’s followed by the long-lasting kind. Lord knows how many crazy things we’d do if it didn’t!
Deb, you make me smile… I like the concept of pouring some of that crazy love energy into creative endeavors. (Not only good for futon covers, marvelous for painting, music, and writing!)
One word caught me here. Bliss. I can’t remember the last time I felt bliss, even for just a moment.
That’s (more than) a little troubling.
Your kids are so little still, Stacia. Bliss wasn’t even in my vocabulary for years. Blur? That was more like it.
It’s funny. I spoke with the gentleman in question earlier today, and explained a few of the moments when that “bliss” occurs. It isn’t at all what one might expect. It’s a moment in a gesture that you love, a quirky look that is so like him (or her), a surprising response that makes you laugh when laughter is the last thing you can imagine and exactly what you need.
Bliss.
None of that (for me) was possible when I was completely exhausted from kids and work. But it returns. Maybe it’s a word to be discussed now and then, especially if it’s only hibernating, and all the fundamentals are there…
“It is only necessary to know that love is a direction and not a state of the soul. If one is unaware of this, one falls to despair at the first onslaught of affliction.”
Simone Weil
And bliss is where you find it. I was just seated on a plane next to a young Italian mother who was holding her young son (probably 18 months old or so) and she was singing him a soft lullaby while cuddling and coddling him and he looked up at her with his big eyes and long eyelashes and held onto her hair with his dimpled hands and although she may have felt exhausted and overwhelmed, I recalled bliss at those moments when my sons were young and I was the center of their comfort and world.
I can conjure those moments toward my husband too. Close my eyes. Remember those first heady months and years. But I’m grateful for the friendship and companionship we’ve moved into, as well.
I feel good just reading this post. Mmmmmmmmmm.
Great reflections, D. I’ve been madly in love twice, maybe three times. And I’ve now been married to one of the men in question for nine years. Do I still love him madly? At certain moments, yes. But I love him sanely every day and I’ve learned that that’s what really matters. 😉
Ah, Kristen. Loving “sanely.” Yes.
Kristen beat me to it…madly is inherently insane. Lacking intelligence. Losing yourself.
I don’t like the effects of being stupid in love, and I know them well. I relish the effects of sharing a love, basking in love, cherishing love, knowing love. But madly, blindly lost in love? Heavens no.
Give what you just said (and the rest of us, Naptime), I’m wondering why we continue to teach our young girls (especially) about some dream-like fairy-tale version of love… and set them on a path that can be ultimately problematic? Why do we have to live so many years making foolish mistakes (as a result of skewed expectations) before recognizing what is good and real and quality in partnership?
I have been in love like that several times in my life, including with my husband … however, I do not trust those feelings as delicious as they are. They can lead you to marry someone who is exactly wrong for you and to years of regret.
What touched me in your post, DA, is this description of love: “In part, it tells me that my feelings of esteem, attraction, friendship, playfulness, trust, passion, engagement, and a growing sense of connection to the man in my life all form a good fit – one which I hope is equally delicious for both of us.” Because those feelings are the ones I have for a man I never entered into limerence with, but for whom I nonetheless feel a deep love and connection because of who he is … something I’ve discovered over time. I believe you can love someone deeply without ever “falling in love” (in other words … you can bypass limerence and move to the enduring kind of love) and that that kind of love is the most precious in the end because it’s real … it’s based on the quality and character of the person and their match with your own qualities and character. It’s taken years for me to be wise enough to recognize true worth in a man … and not to desire or follow the hormonal promptings of who knows what in my physiology.
I’m so very happy for you … how rich this relationship must be.
Quality and character, yes. Thank you for pointing that out, Loving. And it is very rich, yes. I feel extremely fortunate. And I’m happy for you to be in a relationships with the same kind of experience.
Fascinating…the speculation that people who are more prone to romantic attachments may have come from more emotionally unstable childhoods…I won’t argue with that 😉
To be MADLY in love was one of my top criteria way back when. It really is a stroke of luck that I happened to find someone who made me feel lightheaded in love and who wasn’t simultaneously an a **. But it’s been over 11 years now…there is still a lot of love but those heady, woozy feelings feel like another life time ago (as you wrote).
But there is one thing that turns me on now, and it’s seeing my husband be sweet and nurturing. He isn’t often that way with our son, but when he is, I feel a matured version of those lovey dovey feelings coming back. I felt it, too, seeing how he took care of me during those weeks following my leg surgery. It actually feels nice – like the warm buzz of a good glass of wine, not that hyper caffeinated jolt I got when I was younger. Being ‘madly in love’ really didn’t feel all that good now that I look back!
I am happy to know about your gentleman friend 🙂
When I was in my twenties being madly in love was my sole pursuit. I’ve learned now that feeling is better placed in literature. What I want now? A relationship that is based on mutual trust, respect, and sharing of vulnerabilities.
Great post and equally stimulating discussion.
Why do I feel like I have to compromise? Why can’t I have both?
From the moment I started liking boys, that in love feeling was my goal, whether I was aware of it or not. The only reason to watch a television show was to see a cute guy. Cute as defined by Tiger Beat magazine, that is. Finding a guy was the goal, not so much to get married (for me at least) but to capture the attention of the object of my affections.
Why so many divorces, you ask? Because the Western way of marriage with all the romance does not cut it when it comes to marriage. Romance is absolutely intoxicating and being in love when they love you back is the best. BUT it has nothing to do with marriage. I know the thought of an arranged marriage sounds horrific on the surface. Getting stuck with someone you do not like or did not pick. But it can only get better as you build on it. Romantic love has only one way to go but down. Unless of course, you are prepared to spend the time and energy maintaining the euphoric level.
But it’s so much more, Melissa – things we were never told and certainly, our romances don’t deal with (and they could). Character. Values. No small thing, either one, but without both in common and understood, in my opinion, a marriage doesn’t stand a chance.
Ah yes, character and values. And actually God, but people do not want to hear that. It annoys me that people want to hold the tradition of a church wedding, but have absolutely no regard for God.
Not trying to go that route, with religion.
You re right, we were never told these things. My sisters and I lament on how our mother could have been more forthright about what relationships entail and how boys will tell you what you want to hear. Would we have listened anyway? Everyone thinks they are the exception and love can conquer all.