• Home
  • About
  • Around
  • Contributors
  • Applause

Daily Plate of Crazy

  • Relationships
    • Dating
    • Love
    • Marriage
    • Divorce
    • Life After Divorce
  • Parenting
    • Advice
    • Babies and Kids
    • Tweens and Teens
    • College Kids
    • Single Moms
    • Older Moms
    • Dads
    • Family Dynamics
    • Money Matters
    • Work-Life
  • Health
  • Sex
  • Women’s Issues
  • Fashion & Style
    • Chaussures
    • Fashion
    • Style
    • Lingerie
    • Interiors
  • Culture
  • More
    • Art Art Art
    • Business
    • En Français
    • Entertainment
      • Mad Men
      • Mad Men Reviews
      • Real Housewives
      • Movies
      • Celebrities
      • Work of Art Reviews
    • Flash
    • Food & Recipes
    • Lifestyle
    • Morning Musing
    • Starting Over
    • Technology
    • Travel
    • Women and Money
You are here: Home / Health / Myths, Marriage, and the Gray Sweater

Myths, Marriage, and the Gray Sweater

August 27, 2012 by D. A. Wolf 8 Comments

Marriage myths? There’s “Happily Ever After.” Divorce myths? How about “Kids are resilient; you owe yourself happiness!” Health myths? Here’s one: “Depressed? It’s all in your head!”

We may hesitate to admit as much, but we buy into myths readily: sex myths, age myths, ethnic myths.

Hell, I bet you could pound out your own list at the drop of a hat – and without approaching the assortment of odd beliefs on both sides of the political divide.

We mythologize constantly, yet we create and accept “myths” which aren’t myths at all, imbuing our interpretations of neighbors, bosses, friends and family members with qualities and characteristics that are neither “story” nor fact.

Myth is a widely misused term, as Andrew Cherlin points out in his New York Times opinion piece, “The Top Three Myths About Myths.” We routinely replace its more accurate definition (stories used to explain a variety of phenomena) with one that suits contemporary misconceptions – namely – a misconception.

And our Myths-A-Plenty are both amusing and dangerous; those are my words, not his.

Mr. Cherlin writes:

Myths used to be about ancient Greeks… when authors write about myths today, they mean something more prosaic: a misconception, a statement that almost everyone thinks is true but really isn’t.

Marriage Myths

In the arena of modern “mythology,” the first thing that comes to my mind is marriage. Talk about Land of Misconceptions! Consider the way we seek “The One,” the soul mate, the once-upon-a-time “Other Half,” all as the answer to our Happiness (with a capital H).

Surely a misconception, no?

Add one Blinged Out Ring + The Theory of Love Conquers All. Stir in children, mortgage, and several decades of anniversaries, and all applaud the Good Marriage!

But how many of those exist, regardless of whether we look at marriage singly or serially?

Personally, I wouldn’t even venture a guess. But marital misconceptions can be hazardous to our health, which is not a condemnation of marriage but rather my own denouncement of our naive expectations of what it means, and what it entails.

My view of relationship reality does not resemble myth; the reality of my friends who remain married after 10 and 20 (and more) years, likewise. My conversations with those who believe they have good marriages include admissions of ups and downs, a great deal of work, not to mention compromise, forbearance, and luck.

Might I add that we have at least as many misconceptions about divorce as we do about marriage – possibly even more?

Mental Health Myths

Considering yesterday’s musing on mental health treatments under healthcare reform, is it any wonder I stopped cold on this CNN article on “Going Public With Depression?”

I imagine we’ve all experienced our bouts with bad times, some of which plunge us into a pretty ferocious funk. The “situational” reasons – or apparent lack of them – may characterize our individual struggles with what we refer to more openly as the blues, and only in private, to ourselves, as something more insidious.

But charcoal has always seemed a more apt rendering of this most miserable mood (and more) to me, what writer Kat Kinsman refers to as gray – “this dull gray sweater” – in her recent (eloquent) article on depression.

Her depiction of the frequent descent into hell that is a way of life for many should be on your list of “must reads” if you suffer from depression, or love someone who does. Depression can be deadly; it is never to be dismissed.

Not only does Ms. Kinsman’s writing make her points poignantly (and tragically), but the comments that follow are equally hopeful, sorrowful, pointed, and devastating.

I will mention that this article makes the case for a combination of talk therapy and medication (as needed), underscoring the serious nature of the illness, its proper diagnosis, and the removal of the stigma that has long permeated anything to do with afflictions of the “mind” as though yet one more myth (misconception?) is absolute: that it’s only a matter of bucking up, of determination, of discipline to right whatever is wrong that drops us over the cliff into depression.

Happy Face

I’m all for marriage, and making marriage work – with rational expectations – as there is no “perfect.”

I recognize the need for divorce, but I do not diminish its life-altering consequences – for some of us more than others.

When we live through tragic and troubling times – illness, loss, betrayal, unemployment, familial problems – keeping up a perky mask in a happiness-obsessed culture worsens the weight of the tasks at hand, which more aptly require seeking help.

In the interest of looking in the mirror, slowing down, and putting less pressure on ourselves and our children, I will offer one more thought piece I read this weekend, ironically, frantically trying to “catch up.” It is an article on Healthland about the new book on Slow Parenting. Writer Bonnie Rochman quotes author Susan Sachs Lipman:

In our very well-meaning attempts to give our kids the best and help them get ahead, we might not be doing what’s best for them. What’s best may be a slower pace…

May I say that I put a bit of this in practice, especially when my children were younger?

And I’m very glad I did, which isn’t to say that it’s not difficult to go against prevailing patterns of parenting – whatever they may be. But life goes quickly enough – and those blues (or grays) are likely to hit at some point. If we’re fortunate, with help and without stigma, we weather those storms or learn to live with them, finding joy in simple moments.

Some of us realize we inevitably create myth – the reshaping of what we see and feel,  imperceptibly or intentionally rewriting history. As for the rest?

Myths about myths, ad infinitum. And I suggest we shed ourselves of these misconceptions.

 

You May Also Enjoy

  • Perfect (Sort Of)
  • Movable Truth
  • Payment Plan for Mental Health

 

FacebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinmailFacebooktwitterpinterestlinkedinmail

Filed Under: Health, Marriage Tagged With: depression, Health, Marriage and Divorce, mental health, New York Times, real women real life, real women's lives, stigma

Comments

  1. Barb says

    August 27, 2012 at 12:10 pm

    Wow – so much to think about here. You did a lot of heavy reading this weekend and thank you for pointing to some of what you read. When I think of mythology I think of Joseph Campbell and yes – the ancients. But you’re right – we live in the midst of so many myths today. Do we adhere to them for survival? To soothe? I think so.

    Marriage – my first was difficult at best. Divorce – more long lasting and difficult effects than I ever imagined. How my children have fared? I’m never quite sure – my parents will celebrate their 60th this year so it’s nothing I lived through.

    And slow parenting – I’m absolutely on board. I was at home with my children when they were growing up and we went without a lot of material things – I think of those years as taking it slower – and yet they still flew by.
    Great, thought provoking post.

    Reply
    • BigLittleWolf says

      August 27, 2012 at 12:34 pm

      Ah Barb. I’m not sure we ever fully know how our children fare through divorce. In some instances, they may consider themselves better off. In others, surely not. And I wonder how many cases over no definitive resolution, for any involved, including the children.

      Yes, to slow parenting. Or at least, slower, as best we can. You know better than most its advantages, I suspect!

      Reply
  2. Kate says

    August 27, 2012 at 1:26 pm

    As school starts and team sign ups are everywhere and the endless pressure to do enough and do it right piles onto my head, I love the reminder to slow down. Less is more. Because we didn’t send my big girl to camps this summer, she got bored enough to find her way deeply into books. Without quiet time, my middle girl can’t find her equilibrium. And rushing makes me crazy too.

    As for myths – well, I think the stories we tell to explain the unknowable are fascinating. They can help us live better. The misconceptions are no good.

    I’m also pretty sure that happily ever after would be boring and that struggling (together) is what makes marriages stronger. Of course, that requires us to see each other honestly. Which isn’t easy if you turn your partner into a mythic being.

    Reply
  3. Lisa says

    August 27, 2012 at 4:33 pm

    Kate’s last comment is profoundly true. So many people go into marriage with fairy-tale expectations that can’t survive when reality hits. Life’s struggles so make us stronger in many cases. But, with some people, the struggles overwhelm them and result in clinical depression, addiction etc. The decent into hell is very real. We’re experiencing this in our own extended family, and it’s anything but mythical.

    Reply
  4. Chicatanyage says

    August 29, 2012 at 2:23 am

    I am a great fan of Joseph Campbell and his theory of myth. I think we live through societal and personal myths. Some useful some not. Societal myths are often so subtle that we may not be aware of them yet we make decisions based on them. It can be very difficult to go against the grain and follow our own paths. Personal myths are created at an early age and we then create our lives based on them. If they are a match and fit for who we are as Joseph Campbell says “if we follow follow our bliss we will have a life well lived”. Thanks for prompting some deep reflection.

    Reply
  5. Heather in Arles says

    August 29, 2012 at 1:53 pm

    Just a heart-felt thank you for the link to such an excellent article on depression. Over the years I have read a lot and I do mean a lot about depression and anxiety–it is rare that someone nails the tone of honest, revealing/helpful, informative so well.

    Reply
    • BigLittleWolf says

      August 29, 2012 at 1:55 pm

      Thank you for reading, Heather. It’s such an important topic, and we talk about it far too little.

      Reply
  6. Wolf Pascoe says

    August 29, 2012 at 6:18 pm

    Start slow and then taper off, I always say.

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

 

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Follow Us

FacebooktwitterrssinstagramFacebooktwitterrssinstagram

Search Daily Plate of Crazy

Subscribe for Your Daily Serving

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

Categories

Archives

Recent Comments

  • TD on What’s Cookin’?
  • Renee on Narcissism. Manipulation. Keeping Score.
  • Anonymous on Does Effort Matter If You Don’t Get Results?
  • D. A. Wolf on Mantras
  • D. A. Wolf on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Marty on When You Marry a Loner
  • Tina on Would You Brag About Your Age?
  • Sal on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Open More Doors If You Want More Skills - 3 Plus International on Open More Doors If You Want More Skills
  • Leonora C on Over 50, Unemployed, Depressed and Powerless
  • Maree on Mantras
  • kate on DON’T Call Me Dear!

The Makeover Series

Daily Plate of Crazy: The Makeover Series

Essays From Guest Writers

Daily Plate of Crazy: Essay Series

Daily Reads

Daily Plate of Crazy Blogroll

Follow

Follow

Notices

All content on this site, DailyPlateOfCrazy.com, is copyrighted by D. A. Wolf unless copyright is otherwise attributed to guest writers. Do not use, borrow, repost or create derivative works without permission.

© D. A. Wolf 2009-2025. All Rights Reserved.

Parlez-vous francais?

Daily Plate of Crazy: En Français

© D. A. Wolf 2009-2025
All Rights Reserved

Daily Plate of Crazy ™

Privacy Notice

Popular This Month

  • 50 Years old and Starting Over
  • Best Places to Live When You're Over 50 and Reinventing
  • When the Person You Love Is Emotionally Unavailable
  • When a Couple Wants Different Things
  • How to Comfort Someone Who Is Stressed

Food for Thought

  • Why I Choose to Think Like a Man
  • When You Marry a Loner
  • Emotionally Needy Parents
  • Sex vs. Lovemaking: Why Are We So Confused?
  • Think Looks Don't Pay?
  • Rebranding Mediocrity: Why Good Enough Isn't Good Enough

Copyright © 2025 · Metro Pro Theme on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

This site uses cookies for the best browsing experience. By continuing to use this site, you accept our Cookie Policy.
Cookie SettingsACCEPT
Manage consent

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled
Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. These cookies ensure basic functionalities and security features of the website, anonymously.
CookieDurationDescription
cookielawinfo-checkbox-analytics11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Analytics".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-functional11 monthsThe cookie is set by GDPR cookie consent to record the user consent for the cookies in the category "Functional".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-necessary11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookies is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Necessary".
cookielawinfo-checkbox-others11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Other.
cookielawinfo-checkbox-performance11 monthsThis cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. The cookie is used to store the user consent for the cookies in the category "Performance".
viewed_cookie_policy11 monthsThe cookie is set by the GDPR Cookie Consent plugin and is used to store whether or not user has consented to the use of cookies. It does not store any personal data.
Functional
Functional cookies help to perform certain functionalities like sharing the content of the website on social media platforms, collect feedbacks, and other third-party features.
Performance
Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors.
Analytics
Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. These cookies help provide information on metrics the number of visitors, bounce rate, traffic source, etc.
Advertisement
Advertisement cookies are used to provide visitors with relevant ads and marketing campaigns. These cookies track visitors across websites and collect information to provide customized ads.
Others
Other uncategorized cookies are those that are being analyzed and have not been classified into a category as yet.
SAVE & ACCEPT