Must I really start a nationwide movement?
Must I really carry a placard on which I spell out the words?
Must I really lecture a 22-year old at Starbucks on all the reasons it’s just wrong – yes, wrong – to call a customer “dear?”
Must I really print up cards with the URL to this little chant, this echoed refrain from yesteryear, this impish and insistent battle cry to cease using terms of endearment with utter strangers lest you trivialize, irritate, or alienate them – and put bluntly – piss them off BIG TIME?
When a man calls me sweetheart?
Fine. Maybe. If he’s my man.
A man calling me honey?
Don’t You “Honey” Me!
No thank you to “honey” as an endearment, unless my man is planning to pass the waffles first, or offering to drizzle the sticky stuff on my collar bones, and lick the luscious liquid off.
A 20-something calling me “dear” or “honey” or “sweetheart” when I was 20-something myself?
Obnoxious!
30-something?
Ridiculous!
40-something, or at any age whatsoever?
Patronizing!
Don’t call me dear or sweetie or honey or anything at all – and surely not when I’m not a card-carrying member of the Theoretically Retired Club.
Older Overnight?
As I return home, I drop my keys and paper on the kitchen table, and park myself in front of the bathroom mirror. Have I suddenly aged 20 years overnight? And even if I have, would that allow a 20-something to use the damnable D word with this feisty little broad?
Nope.
As I scrutinize my reflection, I note no discernible change. No brow more diabolically and deeply furrowed by restless hours of too little sleep. No Brigadoon Effect ignited in a single night during which a century has passed since I innocently ventured forth for coffee and a Times.
Same face, scowling. And I kick myself for not saying something to the girl (yes girl), and letting her know that calling a customer “dear” is utterly unacceptable.
Offensive Language
Where do we come up with these tournures de phrase that build sentence structure sorrowfully through the use of a single slippery term? These social manipulations of language that are transferred from one context (personal) to another (public), and displace the romantic or familial to No Woman’s Land, transforming the intimate into the inappropriate, and for some of us, the offensive that makes us defensive?
It is not acceptable to use terms of endearment with a stranger. It is not acceptable to use dismissive or demeaning language with anyone of any age.
We do not inflict this behavior on men – only women and children.
Ever notice that?
Now how in the hell do we teach this language lesson to our arrogant, our thoughtless, our clueless?
And Now, for Something Completely Different
Time to put my foot down?
Definitely!
Might that be the Monty Python Foot to manipulate my malevolent mood and stamp out this silly and sorry linguistic laziness?
If I thought it would do the job!
A little sunshine on the deck?
Perhaps, as long as we remember the importance of the things we say and the way we say them. Words and tone convey far more than we realize, and set the stage for interactions of many sorts.
What else will help?
The glories of The Sunday New York Times (the reason for my trip to Starbucks in the first place) and a colossal cup of Joe, French Roast, of course…
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I hear that from lots of people and I like to think they are from the south and just use that as good manners. I don’t ever use it myself as a salutation and can’t understand how it came to be but I know in the south they used terms of endearment for everyone. Sorry your morning started out snarky but you got a column out of it. 🙂
I spent more than half my life in New England and the Mid-Atlantic. Exactly the same language behavior.
By way of contrast, in Land of L’Amour, in the time I’ve lived in France (as an example), I know of no corresponding “D” word used with absolute strangers…
Yep. Snarky morning, but a quick rant! I hope I made you smile. (And now, the pleasures of the paper…)
😉
It’s really quite simple: I say in an innocent tone, “Oh, are we having sex?” At the clerk’s flustered reply, I tell her, “Only people I’m having sex with are allowed to call me dear.” (Or honey, or sweetie or whatever.) “And you’re definitely not my type.”
🙂 🙂
Great comment, however, I got into it with a twenty something calling me dear for no reason other than to patronize me. I’m a 59 year old gal and was a first time customer enjoying a beer and a fun conversation with two or three men at a tiny town bar. When she came on the scene in all her voluptuous youth to start her shift she had all their attention. Fair enough. When she asked, “would you like another beer ‘dear’ ?,… she was speaking down to me, it felt unkind, patronizing. There was no need to add the endearment to her query and it reminded me of every other time I’ve noted how much being ‘deared’ pisses me off. So after one more, beer, I shared with her how I reacted to the young server who dared to ‘honey’ me…and then I left.
In general I agree with your perspective. Terms of address are often used to create a one-up/one-down relationship. But it is all in the context.
I love it when the older waitresses at a local home style restaurant call me “honey”. The restaurant has been open, relatively unchanged since 1946 and only recently have some of the original waitresses retired. Some of the rest aren’t far behind. In this context if feels natural. I don’t feel patronized in the least. In fact, I feel accepted.
And men can certainly be patronized, although possibly not so much in a verbal way. For example, what’s up with this pattern of men putting their hand on other mens’ shoulders??!! It only happens past a certain social demographic level, so I’m certain the intent is to create one-upppage/downage. It reminds me of the “grooming” that molesters use to guide their victims to submission.
Now if a woman were to do that (even the waitresses mentioned), I would take it completely differently….
Oh dear! How do you feel about ma’am? ~smile~
Personally, I am not bugged by this. However, I’ll be paying attention to see if these types of endearments slip from my mouth into my conversations with the general public and if so, be aware that some find it offensive. Good to know!
🙂 I get the “Ma’am” too and have for 20 years. Ma’am and Sir seem to be regional, and they offend me less…
I have one exception: middle-aged and elderly waitresses at diners are allowed to call me dear or honey. (Just like Robert, I guess!)
Ha! You and Robert! (And I always excused my grandfather; it was a different generation and norms.)
Ah yes, how I can identify with what you’re saying. Just how old do they think I am when they address me as “sir”? I would really be pleased if somebody referred to me by saying “handsome” or even “stud muffin” but without smirking.
I shall remember for future reference, Ms. Wolf, (you feisty broad?) that if I decide to tease you by using the word “dear” or “honey” or “sweetheart”, I will do so then immediately take three quick steps backwards so as to stay out of the range of “the foot”. I have delicate shins.
I’m reading. wb 🙂
Delicate shins on a stud muffin?
A rant after my own heart! My personal bete noir is the “young lady” salutation, usually delivered my some balding overweight old guy! I agree that this sort of dismissive greeting is only reserved for women and girls and am darn sure that’s not coincidental.
Here’s a link to my rant on the terms of endearment greeting:
http://ofsageandsepia.blogspot.com/search?q=lady
Can we also address the “you guys” favored by the waitresses, as in “are you guys ready to order”? If I’m at the table, guys is clearly not one of the words anyone would use to describe me.
But, then I’m a woman who left a hairdresser because he repeatedly called me ( and all the women in the salon) “dude” !
Great rant, Deborah! Although I will say, I grew up with “you guys” and I’m neutral on that one (and even use it, though typically with teens). You left a hairdresser because he called you Dude? (I love it.)
Thanks…I needed a good lol.
Yes, I am totally behind Deborah on the Guy issue – usually from some whippersnapper at the supermarket’s checkout. I am not a guy and this is England, I long to say. One day I really shall, but I expect it will go right over their heads.
As to terms of endearment – yes, likewise. But I am always amused by the occasional use of a now somewhat archaic West Country term – my lover. As in the salutation ‘Allright, my lover?’ So tempting to ask for chapter and verse…
“Allright my lover?” That’s a great one! (Not heard in these parts, pale blue stocking… Thanks so much for stopping by to comment!)
The way I respond to or feel about terms of endearment from strangers really does depend on the situation.
I think it is possible that the young women in Starbucks was probably trying to demonstrate that she liked you. But I could be wrong. It might just be her way, a habit she has picked up, possibly in her family culture. Or is it the way of food service employees? In any case, being offended with your morning coffee is a disappointing start to the day. I’m sorry I defended that inconsiderate little *****. 🙂
I will say that I do think terms of endearment are inappropriate between collegues in the workplace.
Oh yes, yes, yes, I’m with you on this one! I HATE being called Dear, Love, Darling etc, by complete strangers.
I own a boutique in Australia, and find that i get a lot of these ” terms of endearment” from customers while I’m serving them, and its so irritating! The problem is, when i’m taking their money from them, its very hard to say something about it!
Of course, like you, I also get annoyed by ” youngsters” doing the same thing; but how do we handle it without being too offensive?
Thanks for giving me the opportunity to air one of my pet peeves!!
Lovely to have you stop by and comment, bodie! And you just nailed the million dollar question: How do we handle it without being too offensive?
And that’s exactly why I didn’t say anything this morning (and she spoke the dreaded D word not once, but twice). Perhaps if there aren’t other people around, one can say “I really prefer you not call me Dear” (or take a more humorous approach?), but the challenge comes when it’s a stranger, you’re caught off guard, and there are people around. So you shrug it off (and blog about it!) – but wish you’d done something more helpful.
Any suggestions you can come up with?
And UGH, that you have to deal with this from customers! (The customer is not always right, but… that’s where the income comes from, right?)
I love the telemarketers who start right off on a first name basis. All those years of adulthood, of medical school, residency, and practice out the window just like that.
🙂
So if I’m reading the comment above right, ma’am still offends you, even if it offends less. I wonder, then, in a situation where someone needs to get your attention but doesn’t know your name, how do you prefer to be addressed? (I’m guessing the address today wasn’t used to get your attention but just as garnish to whatever the person waiting on you was saying, but in a case in which, say, you’d left something behind at the counter … ?) Just curious. I’m sure a simple “Hey!” is effective, but I know some people find this impolite.
I’m over “Ma’am” (though it bugged me for a long time). I’m fine with “hey!” (it’s regional for hello, and I like the informality). It’s the dismissive “dear” and ubiquitous “hun” and “honey” that annoy me the most.
Actually, after a few years in Philadelphia, I’m fine with “Yo!” (As long as it isn’t followed by by “Yo! Babe!”)
But the link I referenced (on terms of endearment) offers some nice alternatives that don’t bother me at all… if delivered in context, with a wink, and not by a stranger… like sugar pie, chéri, mon amour…)
Go figure…
LOL! I think if a cashier, clerk or other retail provider who was my junior called me dear, honey or sweetheart I’d burst into laughter! I have had (older) women on the phone say honey/dear to me, and oddly, it didn’t bother me. Go figure. Ma’am doesn’t bother me since my grandkids are being taught yes ma’am/sir and no ma’am/sir as part of being a polite Southerner!
We live in the South, so my son is also being taught ma’am and all my students use it. What’s really sad is that when I snap at my son (a rare event, usually reserved for him accidentally rolling over my foot with a chair kinds of situations), he automatically starts ma’aming me. This is something he picked up in kindergarten. It’s always a bit shocking to my midwestern self.
This is my pet peeve too! I much prefer “Yo!” or even “Dude!” to insincere terms of endearment. I accept ‘honey’, ‘sweetie’, etc. from persons clearly older than myself, but that’s a dwindling population. As for ‘Ma’am’, I think it’s appropriate at my age, but ‘Miss’ would have been better received in my youth.
This is something that irritates me no end. I, too, have gotten over the horror of being called Ma’am, but to be called “dear” by some middle aged male store clerk really irks me. So patronizing. But how does one respond? I never do, but long for the right words to let the offender know just how offensive he/she is being, without being too rude myself. Doesn’t somebody have a good idea about this?? I am at a loss and have been for years.
Now, I shouldn’t be giggling (even though I am out of shin range and imagine you are no longer fuming) but I can’t help but wonder what my reaction would be if a stranger called me “cheri” here in France…!!! I think that I would be absolutely stunned. 😉
For Mr. Troubadour, I do believe the correct form of getting someone’s attention in such a situation would be “Excuse me” or (if you are old-fashioned like myself) “Pardon me”.
And anyone from the South can feel free to call me ANY of the afore-mentioned names as long as they are not wearing a leer on their face…
Shame on you for giggling, Heather! (But somehow, I’d be delighted to be called “Chéri” – though I can’t even imagine a total stranger doing that in France – which is exactly your point!) 🙂
Heather, both are good suggestions — I just wonder how effective they’d be in a crowded coffee shop where “pardon me” and “excuse me” are used like mantras as folks squeeze around one another in line to get out of the way. I know I’d have trouble distinguishing which one was directed at me because I’d forgotten something (I’m horribly hard of hearing in a crowd, and I’m several decades away from retirement).
By the way, it’s Ms. Troubadour. Contemporary Troubadours can be female :).
Ms. Troubadour, meet Heather. Heather, meet Ms. Troubadour. You should each check out the other’s blog. You’re both incredible writers. I think you’d enjoy each other…
Ha! My 16yo daughter and I were shopping today (and trust me when I say I look middle-aged!), and two separate (young) sales clerks called us “girls”. Really?
Lovely to hear from you, Suburban! (That “girls” thing. It cracks me up!)
This happened to me this weekend. I wanted to say to the waitress I am not80 years old do not call me or anyone else, for that matter,DEAR. Why did she not see that it is patronizing. If it happens again I am going to call the waitress Little girl
Ha! Annoying isn’t it?
Good one !! I’ll be using that if necessary ; )
Being called Dear is infantilizing to the nth degree when the speaker is significantly younger than I, and it really makes me mad, probably in part because I can’t come up with a reply that I would actually say. Something that would succinctly explain my objection without making me sound like a petty old lady – you know, the kind of old lady you would pat on the head and call Dear.
Well. I’m a Brit, and since I’ve come to spend two years working in the US I notice that everyone calls my husband ‘sir’ and me, ‘dear’, ‘sweetie’ or ‘sweetheart’. I find it infuriating but think they probably mean well (?) and okay, I haven’t got the guts to say, ‘don’t effing call me sweetie!’
Plus I’d have to do it several times a day and that would get wearing. But more wearing than being addressed in such irritating terms? Maybe it’s time to screw my courage to the sticking place.
Maybe “dear” doesn’t have the same derogatory meaning to Americans as it does to British people? In England, calling a woman “dear” feels deliberately offensive, and passive retaliation, like avoiding that person, is my response.
I absolutely can’t stand being called any pet name. It’s very annoying and artificially patronizing. These “terms of endearment” might be ok for small children, but not for adults. I really don’t think this is only a southern thing, as I live in Calif and have been hearing it more and more in recent years. About 5-10 years ago, it seemed it was only the elderly who used these pet names, but now EVERYBODY seems to use them. I suggest contacting the customer service departments of the grocery store chains, gas station chains and restaurant chains you frequent and mention this to them. Most have online forms you can fill out and they will forward your message to the establishments in your area.
As for the people who don’t like being called ma’am or sir because it makes them feel “old” ….. face it, you are an adult. Get used to it.
I’m surprised to find that women are reluctant to tell people that they don’t like being addressed as “Honey” or “Dear” by strangers. When I still had brown hair and someone called me that, I would say, “We are both WAY too young for you to be calling me “Honey.” Today I had to tell a thirty-something-year-old saleswoman who had honey’d me several times, that although I have white hair (I’m only 58) I do not fall into any category of “Honey” and that most women my age prefer not to be addressed as “Honey” or “Dear” by strangers.
It seemed as though this had never occurred to her. Maybe she’ll stop, maybe she won’t. But saying something calmed the beast in me that made me want to growl, “Call me Honey….just one more time.”
I need to take a lesson from your book, Beckykite.
A market stall man called me “dear” and I assume he meant I look old and decrepit. It is very patronising and implies a woman is old, worthless and stupid. I didn’t bother going back to his stall.
Ha ha exactly… it’s like, did you just call me ‘dear’, dear ? See ya.
I moved to a small town in Ontario (a hick town) and the clerks constantly call me dear. I am a 74 year old woman and think that calling someone dear is patronizing and rude. The only way to make it stop is to speak up. I have talked to store managers about this, but it persists.
A reply for Nancy –
My mother would love your response. She is 89, and while her body is rapidly failing her, when not effected by medicines or lack of oxygen her mind is quite sharp. Infantilizing was her description of the hospital experience – backless robe, no personal belongings, no control of the experience. Having gone through that many times this year and now being in a personal care home she has also had the experience of being routinely called “Sweety”. I know it is done with the best of intentions, but I also know, although she is too sweet to tell them, that she probably considers it demeaning.
Yesterday at a local restaurant the female server repeatedly called me “My Dear”. Although I’m past “retirement age” I’m a practicing mental health professional, MBA, recently published author, etc., and this infuriated me.
I couldn’t immediately think of a way to handle it, so I called the manager afterwards and asked him to bring this up to the entire staff at the next staff meeting (without singling her out). He agreed to do so and told me that my next meal at his establishment will be free.
I’m thinking that the next time it happens I’ll just say “ I’m sure you mean well but most people don’t like being called ‘My dear’. Please don’t call my that. Thanks.”
I’m open to feedback on this!
I hate terms of endearment.