Hide-and-seek – don’t we love it? We play it as children, delighting in the chase, and calling to our friends “Come out, come out, wherever you are!”
But in the adult world, whatever our reasons for preferring privacy – coming out isn’t always so simple.
We don’t relish the spotlight. We don’t want to be caught in its glare.
So what do we do?
We hide. We cover. We only reveal segments of our selves.
Sometimes we hide behind words, behind work, behind manners and mannerisms. Sometimes we hide behind masks, behind material things, behind the promotional persona.
We choose to stay off the stage, and live our lives behind-the-scenes. But why are we so afraid to step up and be seen?
Why do we seek anonymity, preferring to lurk in the shadows?
Reasons for Anonymity
On the Internet, we’re wise to be circumspect. The words and images we share will linger online forever. So we choose our pen names, our pseudonyms, our various personalities. We feel safer, we feel reasonable, and we appropriately compartmentalize.
Must I also point out that anonymity – for some – encourages churlish permission to act out, seemingly without accountability?
Yet most of us hide for emotional or practical reasons. We’re shy, we’re frightened, or worse, we’re feeling intimidated. We hide to avoid the misconceptions of others. We hide out of propriety – so as not to offend, interfere, or embarrass.
Sometimes we hide out of habit; childhood conditions us to conceal our core, and we heed the voices instructing us to do so.
Sometimes we hide out of playfulness. We indulge in a little mischief, or a penchant for mystery.
Sometimes we hide as a matter of survival; we may choose to write our demons out, while fencing off the territory of those who may peruse them.
Sometimes anonymity is our ally. We can use it to be brave, to get things done, to speak our minds. Truth is mutable, yet we may convey it without a face; identity is irrelevant if our truths are sustainable.
Sometimes what seems like hiding isn’t hiding at all. It’s the appropriate application of respect – for the privacy of others.
But when remaining in the shadows becomes an obstacle to necessary next steps, it’s time to reconsider. It’s time to say no to hiding, and yes to making a change.
Confused by Contradictions?
Contradictions? I love them! I’d venture to say that many of us revel in them, though some find them confusing.
I think of myself as a woman with many facets, many roles, and many passions. When I sense that I’m winding down (or giving in to obstacles), I shake my finger at my reflection in the mirror, give myself a stern talking to, and return to my stubbornly optimistic roots.
I say yes to as much as I can, and savor every marvelous morsel.
But I don’t especially care for the spotlight. Never have, and doubt I ever will. That doesn’t mean I’m not brimming with confidence; but self-assurance and ego don’t necessarily exist in tandem.
As to identity?
I know exactly who I am, while recognizing that I am capable of change. And I hope – change for the better.
Letting Go of the Veils
I would like to venture this statement as a woman: Men are more likely to go for what they want and never look back; women are more apt to hesitate.
Women reside in doubt, succumb to second-guessing, and worry excessively about relationship consequences. We also fret about what people will think. In our words and our actions, in essence, we hide.
We veil ourselves out of fear and in order to survive. Perhaps we ought to unveil more often, and celebrate that as a sign of embracing life fully.
Today, without hesitation, I’d like to introduce myself properly – as an act of faith in the future, a refusal to live in shadow, perhaps as an example – and simply, because it feels like time.
- Do you feel conditioned to hide certain parts of yourself?
- Is it a matter of respecting boundaries, for instance, not embarrassing your children?
- Do you hide out of habit, out of fear, or out of shyness?
- Do you envision a time when circumstances will change – when you will change – and embrace your selves?
As someone who works within the blogosphere in semi anonymity I can relate to much of what you have written and say that I envision a time where I remove all of the veils as well.
I applaud your decision.
Thanks, Jack. Brave New World. 🙂
A lovely shot of BLW doing one of the many things she does best…putting wonderful words together on her laptop! While I don’t necessarily “hide,” most of the time I prefer blissful anonymity to the spotlight. I’m fairly choosy as to what information people see (and don’t see) online, but try and present a genuine face behind the parts that are made public.
Thanks, Lisa. It’s a fine line to walk… saying enough, judiciously, to be real, credible, even helpful. But still being aware of the need for circumspection. I’m with you on choosy – regardless of whether or not there’s a face to go with my fine footwear. 🙂 Thanks for being one of the wonderful people I encountered in these past three years. Who would ever have imagined such a thing – even a decade ago.
Well, hello…
I’m so glad you took this leap of faith. I’ve found that being “out” has it’s pros and cons, mostly positive. I hope you find the same.
Best-
Michelle
Thanks, Michelle. It is a leap of faith, isn’t it. Appreciate you stopping by. I can only imagine the cons, but I’m going to focus on the pros. 🙂
Do you feel conditioned to hide certain parts of yourself? Certain parts of a close personal relationship are, almost by definition, personal and private. It’s part of what makes the relationship so special.
Looking at this again, I feel a bit uneasy with the choice of words “conditioned” and “hide” They both have negative connotations. How about “Do you feel blessed to have a close personal relationship that includes intimate secrets that are shared just between the two of you?”
Looking at this yet again, it is interesting that I’m assuming that sharing a secret in a close relationship is no different from keeping a personal secret – the partner is part of you, so secrets just don’t make any sense. Can the left hand really not know what the right hand is doing?
My reason for secrets is mostly consideration for others, both to avoid revealing someone else’s secret, and to avoid boring people. Most secrets are REALLY dull. Haven’t you had that experience – the secret gets out, and everyone goes “Oh, of course” and “We already knew that” and so on.
Men are more likely to go for what they want and never look back; women are more apt to hesitate. Although that would likely be true if we compared mean scores, the within gender range is enormous. One or two past lady friends were highly focused on getting what they wanted. I’ve found that those who really want something often look back to see how they’re progressing. Fran’s “wants” change frequently enough that she doesn’t “go” for them in the way that others might. She’s spontaneous. And certainly, she doesn’t look back. We’ll be backpacking on the Quehanna Trail in a few days. She broke two bones in her hand while hiking to Pittsburgh a couple of weeks ago (I may have mentioned this already) and will be backpacking with a cast but, like she says “I broke my hand, not my foot.”
Very nice picture of a beautiful lady. I think I’ve attached mine in a prior email exchange, and anyone can check Facebook or my website. I don’t hide.
You address interesting subtleties, Paul, and possibly gender differences that are generally true. There are always exceptions.
When I say hide, perhaps “isolate oneself” would work as well – in some instances. When I say hide at other points, it is truly that, as a matter of protecting oneself or those we love.
I do not use the word “secret” because it doesn’t fit. I used “privacy” because it does.
In my situation – and some of what I’ve danced around in writing for these past three years, a long and contentious post-divorce life has continued to wreak havoc in many ways. There was no end in sight but that has changed. The impacts have lessened, with kids in college (at last). But the long term effects (financial, physical, professional, social) – are certainly formidable.
I have picked and chosen my words with care for years, and do so now. In part so as not to anger the (non)-sleeping giant, but it’s more than that. I also do this because of my sons. They have a right to love both their parents, to understand that there are things they will never understand and shouldn’t have to. “Truth” as I’ve said before, is personal and relative; my truths are not necessarily their truths.
So, you see, this isn’t about intimacy in relationships and keeping certain elements to oneself – though certainly I do that. It’s about attempting to exorcise demons – and also to assist others in my situation, without leaving myself entirely vulnerable.
Am I vulnerable now? Possibly, I suppose. But certainly, with my children in college (and a good man in my life at last), less so.
I haven’t hid maybe because I have not been really hurt… yet. My blog is mostly for me though. It’s cool if others find some value in the site. I certainly don’t have the following you do–maybe that’s a merciful thang. I think it’s sad a beautiful, smart person may feel hiding is necessary. Kudos for taking the first step to freedom.
Sometimes hiding is necessary, to protect oneself and others. And when that need lessens, time to turn toward the light. Thanks, always, for reading and sharing, Gandalfe.
It’s so great to see what you look like! And the photo in your header on your DA Wolf site is FABULOUS! Love those shoes! Really, really glad you “came out.” As for hiding parts of myself — well, yes, I can relate. There was something about the experience of being adopted that made me feel there was a part of me that I compartmentalized in order to fit in with my family…and then again when I met my birth family. And, then, obviously, my blog is anonymous since I write about my divorce from an angry fellow, and my kids. There was something very freeing about recently launching my professional site, where I get to show my face. Although it’s VERY strange when Twitter and Facebook suggests the real me follow the anonymous me, and vice versa.
Ah, Pauline. I suspected you would understand why I do what I do, the way I do it. We aren’t looking to rile anyone. We certainly don’t want to hurt our children. But there are lessons in our stories, and we want to share them.
The experience of being adopted must also cause you to shift pieces of yourself around to fit in, as you say – or at least appear to fit in. And yes, it can be freeing to launch oneself more fully and say “here I am.” (Now, about the shoes… I know a few places where you can get great deals on designer heels… ;))
Thank you Déjà Pseu. I understand that work-life pragmatism, yes. While I don’t have a single employer, per se, I do have project clients. And yes, there’s a separation of “church and state” that seems practical. (I do so love your blog, though! Glad you write, however you do it!)
So nice to “meet” you! That’s a great picture.
My own “hiding” is a bit more pragmatic in nature: I work full-time in addition to blogging and need to keep official distance between the two.
Welcome to the real world. Checked out the new site. You certainly look “well heeled” and success does attract success. Good luck in all your endeavours, Ms. Wolf. The brass ring is out there.
I’m reading. wb 🙂
“Well Heeled.”
Mr. Belle, You are the Roi of one-liners of late.
Wishing you well in your world.
I hide mostly so that I can speak more “freely” of others without offending them. I also live in a fairly small village. But I think, most of all, the “Sheepfarmer” is quite “discret” in the virtual French way and would not appreciate the “disclosure” 🙂
My cyber-footprints are approaching 30 years old now (pre-web usenet newsgroups accessed via a 1200 baud modem and a salvaged VT100 terminal) and it was the first powerful search engines that shocked me in terms of how much information is recorded forever (Google acquired old forgotten university backup tapes of the 80’s internet, every posting during those years is available online now, yikes!). Because of that experience, I use my real identity for work-related postings only and distinct semi-permanent (but ultimately disposable) identities for everything else.
Your progression to hanging up your shingle in cyberspace makes sense now, your kids are old enough to be part of the decision and your online experience allows you to understand the potential pitfalls and how to avoid them. Good luck!
Lovely to see your face!
Do I hide parts of myself? Why yes. I choose words carefully too, but not for fear exactly, but from respect. Our lives are so interwoven it can be hard to see the lines. I don’t want to embarrass or tell stories that aren’t my own. And then there are the stories that are mine that I am not ready to tell.
It’s not just on the Internet that we choose to show what we want others to see. Presenting ourselves is constant. And keeping parts private is reasonable. Feeling compelled to hide parts of yourself because you think others won’t like them? That just makes me sad.
Bravo. You are brave. You are beautiful (I knew that). And, as always, your writing is exquisite — every word you choose, every sentiment you express — the perfection of your craft is astounding.
You are a gift to the world of blogging.
xo,
Tish
Peekaboo, I do indeed see you—in all your courage, creativity and generosity of spirit.
Here’s to great fortune for you and all your endeavors. XO
Congratulations on your “coming out!” 🙂
I have spent my life hiding behind different faces and being a person who I thought I should be. The internet and my blog have allowed me to fully embrace myself and come to understand the person I’ve always been. Thus, I don’t hide behind anonymity. But I also don’t think it perfectly describes the complexity of my personality, and I am glad for that. Heck, I don’t understand my complex personality yet.
I’m glad you’re coming out! You have too pretty a face to hide behind your words. I have always been out – I cannot wear a veil. The interesting thing is that I often bury – I hide parts of myself, often to my detriment. Good deal! Looking forward to the candor.
Candor has never been an issue, Cathy. 🙂 More a matter of separation of church and state, so to speak. And thank you for the good words!
Hey, pretty lady! Good to see your smiling face!
I’m not much of a spotlight person either, and I don’t discuss many of the things I care about on my blog, but I generally believe I could stand to reveal more and hide less (something I do in my personal diary or conversations with trusted friends without reserve). I think for many women, it’s more automatic to be guarded, to worry for our safety, but I’m beginning to think that much of our defenses are all an illusion anyway. For me, I need to get more comfortable with vulnerability, not in a reckless, irresponsible way but in more of an empowered way. What’s the worst that can happen, I ask myself when I’m venturing in uncharted waters (for me at least), and often, the worst is never as irreversibly bad I might imagine.
Crazy fun feeling isn’t it? HELLOOOOOO WOLF! 🙂
A rose by any other name . . .
Shine, BLW, shine.
Coming here late. But loved the spirit in this post and applaud your decision in “coming out.”
BLW,
I didn’t realize you were sort of hiding…LOL You see, when I fell in love with your How to Boil an Egg piece, I went through your site and your “work site” with a fine toothed comb… So I already knew how fabulous you look when I read this. Though, I should admit the photo was a bit buried. And now I know the rest of the story… 😉
The timing of me finding this story is a bit apropos, as I’ve just taken a gigantic leap into exposing myself in the flesh… I met with a photographer last week and had photos made… Business cards and a real photo for my work… Though I must say I love the artsy one of me, it’s a story in and of itself, n’est pas?
Keep shining, BLW!