Attitude. Integrity. Big picture objectives. These subjects came up recently in the context of a discussion on divorce. Likewise, the conversation raised the issue of adults acting badly, usually from a place of deep hurt or anger.
As stories were shared, I couldn’t help but reflect on those times that test us and how we respond – you could say “the best of times and the worst of times” – which may well describe the journey from marriage through divorce.
Naturally, divorce isn’t the only challenge that adults face, but it can be one of the most complex to maneuver.
I am also reminded that real life offers few absolutes. Moral relativism is inevitable. Don’t we sometimes break the rules in order to achieve a greater good?
Life’s Challenges (We All Face Them)
I won’t say that I’ve been tested by every sort of challenge possible. I haven’t, and I’m grateful. But I’ve been tested like most of us, and been at my best in some situations, my worst in others, and learned a great deal in the process.
I’ve known betrayal and I’ve known rejection. I’ve known isolation, depression, and hopelessness. I’ve been through ups and downs that take a terrible toll, but are nonetheless a part of life: the loss of my parents, illness, accident, miscarriage, divorce, unemployment, and one of the hardest losses of all – ceasing to believe in our institutions.
As is the case for most parents, I’ve lived through periods of acute worry. But I count my blessings on that score; every day a child is doing well is a gift.
Life Changes Us
Like most women at the half century mark, I’m dealing with mixed feelings as I process my own aging. And in the past year, I’ve experienced equally mixed emotions confronting Empty Nest, which of course doesn’t eliminate those pesky parenting expenses, but rather, redirects them.
Haven’t most of us lived through some of these experiences – or worse? Isn’t this a matter of choices – partially – and a dose of “whatever life dishes out?” Aren’t these also opportunities to show our mettle, how we recognize and initiate change, take responsibility, and more fully appreciate our moments of joy?
There will always be circumstances beyond our control – illness and accident may be among them. Even issues that arise in marriage and become insurmountable cannot be “blamed” on one spouse or the other. As examples, we can’t always weather the illness of a child, financial devastation, or family interference.
The Best of Times, the Worst of Times
Occasionally a conversation like the one I mention causes me to reflect on the past and present in a different light. How do we find something “good” out of what is terrible? How do we accept that our view of things isn’t the only view?
I was surely at my worst during divorce, and at various points in the years that followed. At the time, my “worst” was the best I could muster.
Yet in the wake of divorce and the decade since, I believe my best parenting surfaced. Oh, it’s been far from perfect – perfect doesn’t exist – and my boys would attest to the days that fatigue, frustration, and fear got the better of me. But overall, my best self has been my mothering self – a role, incidentally, that I’m very proud of.
Sometimes, I think I am my best self here – writing from my perceived places of truth, observation, listening, and imagination; thinking out loud on the virtual page; and participating in a community willing to examine and discuss.
Morning Musing, Life After Divorce
Recently, someone referred to me as wise. I’m not sure I’m wise so much as thoughtful – especially when it comes to life after divorce. I’m willing to step back and consider my words and actions, willing to recognize that I need to tweak here and evolve there, willing to work harder to find my best and leave the worst behind.
I would like to think I am open to learning my lessons – however long it takes.
In the conversation about marriage and divorce that began this line of thought, we addressed issues of attitude, pragmatism, and integrity. My perspective in a nutshell:
… acting from a place of integrity allows you to live with yourself – regardless of how your ex behaves, and certainly, a good attitude helps, as it does with everything in life.
… a good attitude is extremely useful… but attitude and pragmatism are not mutually exclusive. Understanding that many of us are at our worst during and after divorce, we can prepare for that if necessary. We can also use that knowledge to understand that it’s a painful process, with many tentacles, but pain often comes before healing – even if healing takes considerable time.
Common Sense
With time (and maturing), it’s always easier to see the big picture, to identify our best (or better) selves, and periods when our worst selves ran the show. We’re all flawed, we have no crystal ball, but we can exercise common sense along with a good attitude. We can also forgive ourselves for the dreadful days that are unavoidable – when we’re slogging through the worst of times.
- Do you know the scenarios that bring out your best?
- When you’re at your worst, can you recognize and shift your behavior?
- Do you believe that principles and pragmatism can coexist – even at the worst of times?
I think what we focus on matters a great deal. Every day has good and bad and focusing on the bad – well. It’s no good.
I completely agree with you about integrity. It’s terrifically hard to look in the mirror and see something you don’t like.
Sleep, food, calm surroundings, calm voices – these bring out my best. Not so easy to get to right now. Huge emotions send me cowering inside. Deep pains take me years to sort through. Though writing always helps. Do we ever really get through the biggest losses?
That’s a great question, Kate – about getting through those terrible losses. They change us, but they don’t have to make us bitter. I think we carry vestiges of the pain, and if we’re fortunate, we can mine it for compassion – and also appreciation.
But the losses themselves? We learn to live with them, and try to put them in a larger context that is, perhaps, less personal.
Thank you so much for continuing the conversation, and for inviting others. These are important questions for me right now: perhaps, they are the only questions I should be asking in this moment of uncertainty in my life.
First, yes, it’s all about integrity. If I “win” without integrity I won’t win at all, because at the end of the day, in order to be happy, I have to like who I am. I value that kind of happiness deeply, and there’s just no way of getting around the fact that it must be built on integrity.
Scenerios that bring out my best? Yes. I love being surrounded by friends. I love being out of doors. I love to move my body, eat a good meal, and get good sleep. I love it when I can care for people I love. I love moments of stillness and quiet sprinkled liberally through my days and weeks. I really love it when I’m not thinking about money. (Not spending it, not worrying about it, not thinking about it at all.)
Scenerios that bring out my worst? Yes, when someone yells at me (as ex did). It returns me to my childhood feeling of “that’s not fair!” only now I’m an adult and I’m allowed to say it, and it makes me very angry. I have learned to manage this much, much better, by returning to the place of integrity, telling myself that I do not wish to lower myself by joining the fray. I’ve learned to take a deep breath and walk away, which does not always solve problems (ergo, divorce), but makes me feel safer and more confident in the future.
And I’ve been pondering principles and pragmatism a fair amount in the past couple of days, and I think the answer is that principles are most important precisely when they are hardest to find, when things are at their worst, and that it is then that pragmatism can guide us in order to apply those principles. Stay tuned, because I’m flushing this one out, and I’m hopeful that I can get my idea in writing soon!
These are difficult subjects to grapple with, Pollyanna. Thank you for sharing your experience here – and being so open about it. I believe it helps when we question and discuss. (Wishing you luck and sending you good vibes.) I look forward to the continued conversation.
What scenarios bring out the best in me? Calm, quiet, conflict free. If I know my children and loved ones are safe, healthy and relatively happy I’m good.
As for when I’m at my worst, the ability to recognize and change my behavior depends on the situation. If someone hands me a problem I can’t find a solution to or, refuses to participate in solving a problem, I don’t respond well.
In other words, get out of my way if you are not willing to proactively help me handle a situation in a practical way. I try to always behave with integrity but have to admit that for me, there have been times when principles and pragmatism did not go hand in hand. Like today for instance!