I won’t say I’ve never lied about my age. I have.
When I was younger, I didn’t lie my way into clubs or bars. Not my style.
In the workforce, I admit I had to clarify my age frequently in indirect ways; in the corporate world, if you’re 30 and look 18, that doesn’t exactly inspire confidence! But that’s an entirely different story. My concern is where women find themselves as aging begins to “show” its hand.
Once I was over 45, I fudged by a few years when engaged in online dating. But in life, I don’t bring it up, and I rarely respond to the question. To me, it’s irrelevant.
But it isn’t irrelevant in the real world. Not by a long shot. And that’s a shame.
Ageist Assumptions: Alive and Well
It is my experience that as soon as you provide a number to go with the face, the skills, or worse – the dating profile – if you’re a woman, you’re potentially asking for trouble.
As much as it can be (momentarily) flattering to say “oh, I’m 48” to the amazement of someone who takes you for 30-something, or “I’m 68” for someone who puts you at 50, once you provide a number, assumptions blossom.
Age is a piece of demographic data that carries heavy baggage, especially for women. It’s not so different from using income as some sort of (false) Litmus Test when assessing men.
Let’s get real.
A man who makes $20,000 a year? What’s your impression, before you get to know him? A man who makes $100,000 a year? Don’t your assumptions change?
Now think about the job applicant you’re considering. Candidate Jane is 39, and Candidate Kate is 51. What do you picture (and assume) when I place those simple facts side-by-side, and without further qualification?
Age and Online Dating
In my Past Life as a Serial Coffee Dater, I recall meeting a gentleman whose profile placed him at 50-something, categorized him as divorced for many years, and his body type was an athletic 5’10” or thereabouts. My profile at the time put my age 2 years younger than I was.
When we met at the local Java Bar, we hit it off immediately. During the course of our conversation, he made a point of letting me know he was pleased I looked like my picture, and insisted on only dating people who were honest.
My response?
I told him that I hardly thought fudging my age by two years was a big deal, but I had in fact done so. I told him my age – if he considered that important. And I kept mum on my observations of his slightly inaccurate depiction of his own physique.
He didn’t seem thrilled, but he thanked me for telling him. We went on to enjoy the rest of our date. There was one more date after that, a plan for a third, but then he disappeared without an email, a return call, or any other trace.
I will add that he was about 5’5″ tall, with a little paunch, twice divorced (and the ink barely dry on the second split), and still three years my senior. Does any of that constitute lying – or at least, misrepresentation?
My personal feeling? Women do age out of online dating. That doesn’t mean we age out of dating altogether, or that we must give up the idea of meeting potential partners. But services that may seem helpful in our twenties, thirties and even forties are less so, as we grow older.
You’re Only as Old as the Woman You Feel
It’s a cheesy saying, but one I heard growing up and as a young adult: “you’re only as old as the woman you feel.” Clearly, the usual speaker is male. But are we only as old – or young – as we ourselves feel, or those with whom we routinely engage?
I know those in their thirties who refer to themselves as middle-aged. Well, unless you’re Fat Betty on Mad Men and it’s the 1960s or 70s, you don’t qualify!
I know those in their forties and fifties who fudge the numbers in their favor; generally, it’s to combat prejudice to get a foot in the door when looking for work; it’s about survival in a culture that paints “aging as bad” and All Things Youthful as good.
If the online dating world rewards artifice and self-promotion – at least initially – then isn’t it understandable that women will lie about their age and, for similar underlying reasons, men will fudge their jobs and their income?
Until we as a culture stop putting so much store in (and pressure on) “factoids” like these – both of which change, incidentally – are we simply getting what we tacitly ask for?
- Do you lie about your age?
- Have you said you were older to interest a man or woman?
- Have you claimed to be younger to get a date or a job?
- Have you personally experienced age discrimination – blatant or otherwise?
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I once dated a man I met through a Weekly ad (pre-online dating) and he lied about his age by 4 years. I was shocked (naive, too, I guess), but initially forgave him. Turns out he lied about other things too. I don’t think I would ever again trust a man who lied about his age, or other pertinent stats. I have never lied about my age.
My mother had me when she was 39 in an era when most new moms were in their 20’s. She was exceedingly self conscious about her age. Fortunately, she looked very young so she was able to keep it hidden. Once, in a gathering with a few good friends, I made the mistake of asking (innocently, I was 9) how old she was during WWI and she admonished me in front of others and insinuated I was stupid. Later, I researched the facts and found out she was 2 when WWI ended. It hurt me deeply that she chose to humiliate her daughter rather than admit her age.
However, now that she is 95, looks like she is 70, still lives in her own home, drives, and takes care of her house and bills, she delights in shocking people with her age.
I was 37 when I had my child. I have never hidden my age. I always looked younger than my age by many years, until menopause hit. Now I do look 55, and some days, older. I recently had to go job hunting, and considered that an employer might want someone younger (if only to pay them less money, as it is that kind of a job), yet I found that my education and years of experience and expertise were greatly valued and I was offered a job on the spot.
At a local nursery there is a Thursday special, 10% off for those over 55 “and willing to admit it”. Guess where I shop for plants on Thursdays.
What a wonderfully thoughtful comment, Lunaboogie. Thank you for sharing your experience. And how encouraging it is to know that you’ve found a place that values your knowledge and skills. We need more of that!
I recognize that this can be a complex issue. Personally, I go for the truth, because that is a basic value for me. I generally decline to answer an inappropriate question. People may or may not agree with my approach, but better to learn about this early than later.
An employer cannot legally ask about age. If you don’t say it, it should never come up. I stand on my record. Lying to a potential employer is not a good practice.
Dating is interesting. I know women who shaved a few years off their age – I believe this is fairly common. So why even bother with that dubious data point. My online ad stated “Age is irrelevant as long as you can keep up with me.” I listed my birth year (1943) and added “same as on my driver’s license.” My first meeting was generally for a walk or hike, and between that and the conversation that went on the whole time, we learned a lot about one another. Interesting that of those few women who actually became special friends, not one lied to me about their age. I dated both older and younger women, but kept us within a decade so that we had some shared life experiences.
Did I mention that my Mom turned 102 three days ago?
First off, Paul, WOW to your mother! What stories she must have to tell, and she’s still quite independent, isn’t she?
As to an employer not being allowed to ask age, trust me – even before the Internet, HR departments knew how to get around that. It isn’t difficult. And these days, with the Internet, it’s extremely easy to discern how old someone is within about 5 years. That’s more than enough to keep age discrimination alive and well, especially when it’s a Buyer’s Market.
As to dating, I agree. It’s an interesting challenge. I love the way you phrased your profile, Paul. But then, you aren’t the usual guy in many respects, so far as I can tell… 🙂
Agree that one’s work history and education can give a fair idea of age, and that can be seen as as issue (unfortunately). One reason I would often give my age voluntarily is because I received my Ph.D. from Princeton in 1966. I happened to be 23 at the time, so I might otherwise have been assumed to be older. Beyond that, I would ask about exercise opportunities and likely find someone with whom to jog (and beat).
I don’t remember ever lying about my age. I can remember being in a hurry to be 16, 18, 21, but after that it didn’t seem relevant. When selecting candidates for interview I have only ever been interested in experience and skills and whether they compare reasonably with a person’s age. I’ve no experience of online dating; the one time I placed a singles ad I was forthright about my age, opinions and preferences. Because I was ‘exotic’ (American in Britain) I got loads of responses, but nothing came of it. Being coy about one’s age seems really old fashioned to me. When women come along to the running club, I feel free to ask their age, as it is important to gauge their fitness and if they do races, this is in the public domain anyhow. I still don’t ask what anyone weighs or how much they make, though as with age I think we all make guesses and assumptions. I recently read a book in which the statement was made that humans (like apes) concern themselves mainly with sex, territory and hierarchy. I don’t think I can really argue with that statement.
Sex, territory, and hierarchy. Beautifully stated, Shelley.
YES, I do lie about my age. Several years ago, this handsome man said something to me about my age…in a fluster, I rounded up and said, ‘not bad for 60″. I was 55 at the time. He said, “Damn woman, you look good for 60!” So now I lie about my age and say that I am older than I am…the response is always the same…”Wow, you look good for 75!” Hey a compliment is a compliment.
Kristine, You always make me smile. 😉
I wish it were otherwise, but my age appalls me. My parents were a few years older than my friends’ parents, and I remember wishing they were younger. I always like hanging around friends from high school; it’s a relief we’re all the same age and there’s no hiding it. My wife and I are older than most parents we know with kids our son’s age, and some have been shocked when I’ve told them my age–I look younger than I am. My son wanted to know my age for the longest time. I hesitated to tell him because I thought he’d be disappointed to know the truth, the way I was about my parents. I finally decided just to come out with it. He didn’t say much. It hasn’t seemed to affect anything.
Interesting perspective, through the eyes of the child, Wolf.
I don’t lie about my age, 54, mostly because I feel good about my age, and I’m happy with where I am in life. I do some online dating and I know I could easily put down 48 or 49 and perhaps get more responses from men who won’t consider a woman past 50. But what kind of men are they? Then there’s the inevitable moment where ( if you’ve misrepresented your age), after a date or two, the truth comes out and you’ve told a lie and that sets a bad precedent for any possible relationship. By stating my real age, I weed out the guys who would judge me on that criteria alone, and yah, that’s a lot of guys. The funny thing is, I get a lot of response from men who are 47 or 48… or who say they are!
The built-in problem with online dating sites, is that right next to your username in BOLD type, is your age. That is the only way you are identified. To hell with it if you are a wonderful artist, can play the piano, run a successful business, can make the best desserts on the planet, are beautiful, smart, witty, or have any number of other attributes that would attract a number of men. You can put all that in your profile, but a guy won’t read it once he sees your age, again, in BOLD type.
On the other hand, if I met one of these same guys at a party, let’s say, and we got to talking, he might ask me out. The date would likely go well and we would end up going out again and maybe on the 3rd or 4th date, he would find out how old I am. But at that point, he’s somewhat vested in me, so my age isn’t as much of an issue. It’s just part of the package. In other words, if you meet someone in real life, you have the opportunity to be identified by who you are, not by the year you were born. I mean, who has control over that?
Many great points in your remarks, Evelyn. We wouldn’t know someone’s age if we met them somewhere other than online, and we certainly wouldn’t ask until we knew them very, very well!
I might point out that the job searching issue remains problematic. Again, age bias (and assumptions) equate to less likelihood of being considered for a “traditional job” – at least, in certain fields and certain types of organizations. Especially in this economy.
I never lie about my age but a friend of mine was telling me that his friend did that once because he looked younger than he was. He was 50 but looked about 40. After he went on a date and told the girl, she was pissed and never talked to him again. He said he did that because he didn’t want to be weeded out because of it and would date women in their late 30s early 40s. He ended up meeting someone in the real world that was younger and they’ve been together for a couple years now.
I’m newly single after a few months and I’m recently 40. My ex was 11 years older than me but looked about 10 years younger than she was. Seems so different in the mind of people if you say you’re “39” you’re much younger than “40”. I guess they say 30…in their head. My profile has my real age even though in the real world people often think I’m around 30, 32 etc. Not to mention I workout and keep in shape, have a good job, am current with movies, music and very youthful personality etc. Yet, so many of the dating profiles have their “mates” going up to 36 or 37 when they are 33 or even 35. I guess in their mind a guy that’s 40 is “old looking” and out of shape, bald, etc. but if they, like the others said, met me at a party or somewhere in the real world, it wouldn’t be an issue. It can make you tempted to shave a few years off your age since it’s minor and that’s the only thing you “lied” about so that you can get your foot in the door. It does come in as a bad start and makes you think that once you are out of your 30s, online dating no longer works.
Hi Jake. Glad you stopped by to comment, and hope you will again! You’re offering examples of the dilemma with online dating and the age trap. Fudging the age by two or three years may be one thing; by ten is quite another. And of course, in “real life” when you meet someone, you get a read on their energy without knowing their age. By the time you do know it, it’s frequently irrelevant, and that seems how it should be unless you’re in the babymaking years, in which case there are some practical aspects that can’t be denied.
I might say that for men, online dating is still workable even into your 50s. For women? My personal feeling is – 45+ and you’re relegated to men 10 to 20 years older, and if that isn’t your cup of tea, you’re out of luck.
I lied about my age recently to a man I didn’t really think I’d end up with. Now I need to undo it and it’s agonizing. I never have looked my age. I can actually pass for 10 years younger easy. But, I need to be proud of who I am and what I’ve accomplished without worrying about a number defining me.
Thank you for stopping by and commenting, Maggie. It’s a Catch-22, isn’t it. How to “undo” it can be tricky – depending on how deeply involved you are at this point, whether or not there is a desire for children (and that’s an issue), and of course… trust. If it’s been a short time, the trust issue may be less problematic. As time goes on and the “fiction” stands, it’s harder.
Maybe you can ease into it? Explain that you really wanted to get to know him, that you were afraid, but you don’t want this between you any longer?
Wonderful article and great post.
I myself play an online game, have for years, I never expected to meet someone in a game, not anything serious. Go back to September 2011, I had just lost my mother, met a sweet man, and started to hang out on the game 7 days a week. To make a long story short, met in person 10 months later, have continued to see each other every couple months, and hang out 7 days a week. Between gaming, texting, talking.. Truly has become my best friend. One problem… I lied about my age in the beginning, and the closer we got, the more frightened I got of losing him and his friendship. But now, it’s gotten to the point it makes me very sick holding this inside, because he trust me so deeply, as I do him. If age or numbers meant nothing, we are perfect in friendship and life, so close and so perfectly made for each other. He is 24, looks older, went to college and acts older then men his age, I am 42, look early 30’s, and am extremely young at heart. He thinks I’m 32, and I guess I know deep down it will end the most amazing friendship I’ve ever been so lucky to be apart of when I tell him. But because I love him so much, I need to do the right thing. I’m just so sad and honestly terrified.
I wish I could go back and start over.
That being said though… Today’s society and the way we see age.. Can we all say honestly that if you were 23 and someone said they were 41, would you have even let yourself get that close?!?!
I wish I had some wisdom for you, @What do I do now. All I have is empathy, and a few questions.
I’m uncertain as to whether or not you love this man in a romantic sense, and what your expectations are. If it’s romantic (and the feelings returned), and if he’s a man who wants biological children, you may have an insurmountable problem on your hands. If biological children aren’t an issue, you may not – at least, assuming that you can position the lie (and the age difference) in a way that he will eventually be able to accept.
It sounds more like you’re very close friends, despite some geographic distance. Is that closer to the situation?
I do agree you will have to tell him – are you certain that he’s the age he says he is?
The real dilemma with lying, about anything, is that it undermines trust – potentially in everything. One fact of lying about age, however, is that some (not all) understand that society puts enormous pressures on women to be young – and favors the young in most areas. People can understand that you lie about your age to have a shot at something – a dating life, a job – that you would feel (unnecessarily) closed out of otherwise. And many people will understand that lying about that does not mean you deceive in other ways.
But 18 years isn’t a small difference. Personally, I agree that 8 years isn’t a big deal (especially as you grow older); one of my loveliest relationships (and we remain friends) was with a man 8 years younger. We were in the same place in life – relative to career, kids, divorce, and so on. But he knew my age, and neither of us was looking to start another family.
My suggestion would be to think carefully about what you would like the outcome of any conversation to be… “what success looks like” in this situation. I would think carefully about how you can position it – that you were afraid, perhaps – and if you’ve lied about anything else, you may have a tough job on your hands. I would also put yourself in his shoes. Try to imagine what he wants or might want from you – and imagine how he’ll feel relative to this lie.
If you’re gaming friends and best friends but not lovers / in love, do you think he might understand?
I hope a few readers would chime in and offer their thoughts. And as I said, I wish I had more wisdom for you. Sadly, we live in a culture that judges by age and segregates by age as well. We are all the poorer for it.
Wishing you all the best with this situation.
Wow… @What do I do now…
BLW asks some important and relevant questions. What are your intentions? Your dreams about the future with this man? Have you and he talked about family and children and what that looks like to each of you? So, I think that should be the first object of your focus, becoming as clear as you can about what you want from and how you see this relationship now, and in the future.
You should also ask yourself some tough questions regarding how you feel about your own aging. Are you fearful of it? Are you bucking it? If so, why? What are you afraid of? Most importantly, what can you do to feel better about your growing older? Diet? Exercise? Mood and/or wardrobe makeover? Therapy? Get out more? More girlfriend time? (Girlfriends are the best!!)
It is a shame that people stereotype. Age. Anything! But they do. We all do at some time or another in our lives. Personally, I believe age is nothing but a state of mind. And honestly, I have to stop and do the math when people ask me how old I am. Really… Though I must admit it felt a bit weird when I saw this ad that AARP begins at 50! That’s my stereotype talking, ’cause I haven’t winced at what my next birthday brings–I’ve actually been looking forward to it!
But, getting back to you. Once you figure out in your head what this relationship means to you, you need to make a date with him, preferably in person. You will have to determine if a public or private place is more suitable, but I’d say a relaxed environment would be best.
And then you need to come clean. It is clearly eating at you. And that’s how the conversation should take place. That you have done something you’re not proud of and it is weighing heavily on your conscience. Let him know all of the things you value about your friendship, that you didn’t tell him sooner because you were afraid it would destroy what you have, but that you can no longer live with the lie. In the end, you hope he will come to appreciate the truth…
Best of luck, friend…
Annah Elizabeth, Thank you for tackling this one in such depth. It’s not easy.
Yes, BLW…not an easy situation. Nonetheless, an undertaking that can me pursued, and undetaken with integrity, honesty, and conviction… Thank you for helping out your reader!
Annah Elizabeth & BLW, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post. Soon after I read the comments, I talked to him. Never felt so terrified, not only because I love him, but because I realized the conversation could cost me my best friend. Wow, what a weight lifted off my shoulders. He was almost too understanding, I was waiting for the bomb to drop. He said “your age doesn’t change the person I’ve come to know and love, you are still you”. He also said “Am I upset you lied? Of course, but the lie in no way was directly harmful to anyone, it doesn’t change how you and I are together!”
Made me love him even more. As far as future, we don’t really discuss it. We love each other, we enjoy our time together and we take one day at a time. At least now I can move forward without fear.
Thank you again for giving me that little extra strength I needed to approach the situation.
So happy to hear this, @What do I do now…
Thank you for stopping back to let us know. 🙂
It’s a sad commentary on an extremely ageist society that one has to lie about their age. That said, yes. I have lied, but only to nosy people who aren’t important to me! Usually, I decline to discuss it. What for? I never cared to discuss it when I was twenty. It just seems silly grown people running about asking about your age. That’s what I did on the playground when I was 8. It’s also what a fair amount women in their middle years do to fish for compliments. Hey look at me! I’m 50 and I’m so freaking fabulous!! Sometimes people use it as a non-thinking conversation starter, but if that’s all you have, I don’t much want to talk to you. I have the good or bad fortune – however you want to look at that – of appearing younger than whatever the stereotype is of women who look my age. And throughout the years, when I’ve told people my age, they have reacted with such astonishment that it made me want to never reveal or discuss my age again. Now that I have passed that magical threshold of 40, and the added fact that I married someone younger, and my general lack of career attainment for my age, keeping quiet seems wise. It’s certainly less hassle and I don’t feel like some side show freak. People in general seem obsessed with age, and I find it annoying really. It’s just not that relevant in most areas of life, with a few obvious exceptions. And yes, people make assumptions, they hold you to stereotypes. It seems like once you’re over 40 (and I hate that term, as if we’re all alike) you’re just thought of as an age as opposed to an individual. In fact, the older people get, the more heterogeneous they become. Or, in other words, once you’ve seen one 40 year old, you’ve seen one 40 year old.
I feel like I am in a category all of my own. At 65, I was always guessed to be about 50. So, I decided to get a facelift that worked so well, that after I lost a little weight, people began guessing me to be in my mid-thirties. What really hurts is that I am on the dating scene at this late date. Now, if I should tell my real age (I’m now 66), who would be interested except for tired, old men whom I am not interested in? I have the youth, personality, and pizzazz of a young woman. I WILL tell my real age — once I get a foot in the door — but not before then. I know better.