Have you spent any time online dating?
Then you’ve probably dabbled in some innocent email or messaging flirtation. For that matter, you may flirt on Twitter, on Facebook, by texting or even talking.
It’s the “social” in social media, right?
And of course there’s the pleasure of flirting in the real world – which is, one would hope, where we spend the greater portion of our interactions.
Flirting is fun, isn’t it? It’s healthy. It’s energizing. I adore the undeniably delightful exchange of verbal sparring + chemistry.
Unless it goes too far.
In the extreme, before we all lived online, many would refer to any attention a woman brought to herself – including the way she dressed – as “asking for it.” In other words, asking for sex, whether intended or not.
Does Flirtation = (Sexual) Invitation?
Assuming that a flirtation guarantees an invitation for a sexual encounter is a bad call – in the real world as well as the virtual. If anything, some men and women are more explicit online, directly stating their desire for sex which, theoretically, clarifies what they’re seeking.
Nonetheless, no still means no. Whatever the origin of a possible encounter, may we all remember that certain boundaries remain a legal and moral right?
Occasionally, emotions and desires are stoked through the exchange of words and images. We live in isolating times; behind our screens we make assumptions, we get carried away, we write and we dream rather than living our lives in the Real World. We may not take the proper time to know exactly who it is that we’re dealing with. Then again, an extended period of email or online exchange may actually facilitate courtship – which can be pleasurable as well as advantageous if the parties concerned share their growing affection.
But it’s a bad call to make any assumptions when things move too quickly – especially after divorce or a breakup, when we’re feeling vulnerable. That’s the time we’re more likely to let someone into our private world posthaste, allowing our better judgment to go astray.
Then, we may hurt ourselves. And sometimes, we hurt others.
There’s Flirting, and Flirting Effectively
As for the art of flirtation, is it acquired through experience, or does it come naturally? How much is cultural or regional – and as a consequence, defines what is effective flirting versus misleading, or going too far?
And is flirting over 50 a different animal from flirting at 25 or 35?
The stereotypical hair flip or other such maneuvers? That’s a No Go at 50 for sure. But then, some of us didn’t toss our tresses in our twenties either.
Giggles and blushing? I don’t giggle. But blush? That I do unintentionally, and I’ve been told that it’s charming.
Flirting is and always has been about eye contact, body language, tone of voice and choice of words. It is cerebral as much as any element of the physical. How else could we be influenced through words spoken, or through textual exchange?
As for mature flirting, it makes use of everything I’ve mentioned. Though I’d love to ask the gentlemen of a certain age what they find most alluring.
How To Deal With Flirting That Goes Too Far
And when flirting goes too far and you need to nip it in the bud? If you’re married, and you find yourself flirting with someone as feelings are stirred which were never intended? Is an emotional affair inevitable – unless you get out fast?
In my own experience of online dating as well as in person, you must know your own mind. Then, what is required is to be clear – saying no thank you, I don’t see this continuing.
Sometimes, we have to say it over and over again. Sometimes, we must insist, in even stronger terms. And when the other person persists in his attentions, when “no” is not accepted, it may mean not taking calls, not responding to emails or texts, a great deal of patience – and letting others know you’re being harassed, if you’re genuinely fearful.
All of this is a reminder to date safely, and to wait before revealing too much despite the obvious seduction of our seeming security sitting at our computers.
- Have you ever had an innocent flirtation assumed to be something more?
- Was it online or in person, and with what eventual outcome?
- How did you handle it, in order to gracefully clear up the situation?
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I’m a dating coach and I’m glad you wrote this article!
Too many women are misusing the powerful tool of flirting. Flirting can attract the guy you deserve, or the WRONG kind of guy!
It’s important to not overuse flirting, and to alternate your flirtation with demonstrations of self-respect and *boundary-setting* towards the men you meet. Otherwise, it becomes an open invitation for him to see you as a passive, usable object rather than a strong, self-defined woman who simply enjoys playful energy.
Second, I advise clients to focus more on humorous flirtation than sexual, and to let the man take the lead in escalating such flirting so as not to send the wrong message.
Of course, if all you want is to get laid (which some ladies do! especially coming out of long term relationships) then flirt indiscriminately and you’ll have your choice of men.
I don’t advise that as a lifestyle. Self-respect + responsible flirtation = great dating.
Always delighted to have a man’s view here, Barry. Very helpful input.
I haven’t flirted online but I cannot TELL you how many friends I have who are flirting with old flames on Facebook.
Dangerous territory, isn’t it, Kitch…
for a start – blimey – there are now Dating Coaches? jeez. when did That Happen?
welcome Barry!
ok.
recovering gently – in a very european way.
hmmm.
yes. yes. and not well.
to all your questions. in that order.
we have a few flirtations.
but never under our RL name.
that’s the way to go.
besides, aren’t initials rather delicious?
good post. most thought-provoking and memory-inducing.
waving from manhattan.
_tg xx
And waving back with a little Mona Lisa (ML?) smile, tg… Yes, initials are a lovely way to enjoy a proper flirtation and oh-so reminiscent of white linen hankies with carefully embroidered monograms… Those were face-to-face flirtations of the most subtle sort. A lost art, I wonder?
Barry makes good points, which amplify and illuminate your own, BLW. I would add that we have a tendency toward repetition of trauma, even as we are unconsciously attempting to heal it. The short-hand version of this is that if we were hurt/abandoned/betrayed/intruded upon in our early wiring and remain unconscious of our wounds and patterns, we tend to unconsciously flirt, attract and then find ourselves hurt/abandoned/betrayed/intruded upon by others who uncannily re-evoke our most dreaded and unwanted feelings.
As for me, as a younger man I was so clueless you’d have to hit me with a hammer, or ask me out for me to “get” that you were flirting with me, and as a grown-up I probably flirt about as deftly as Mr. Rogers. Maybe if Barry becomes a flirting coach…
Now you’ve got us idly wondering where to buy decent linens and Which monogram 😉
Lovely image.
Very courtly. And southern.
😉
_tg x
In the old days, all you had to do to flirt was drop a handkerchief — that meant “I wish to become better acquainted” in ‘Flirtations,’ a so-called secret language that used both handkerchiefs and fans to pass on messages. You’ll find more in my book, The Stitcher’s Language of Flowers, on the Brickworks website if you’re interested!
This is why women were forever dropping hankies in old movies…
My partner was having an online affair with an old flame. I knew as she became very distant toward me, ignored me, became non tactile and became extremely secretive with her phone and ipad. In short, I caught her out and her reply was, ‘he’s just a friend.’ The messages were not explicit but bordered on a sexual / physical content of biting and dare etc, meeting up and talked about our relationship. At this point now she says she never cared or wanted anything else from him, she was just flattered. I am not convinced as she also says she does not even think of him. I know of 2 occasions she has mentioned his name in her sleep.
My concerns; she cannot just suddenly turn off her feelings and desire for this guy, can she? Would you class this as cheating (she has gone to great lengths to hide all contacts and method of communication) and do you feel this would have lead to a sexual encounter?
Sincerely
Jaques
Jaques, I’m not a therapist or an advice columnist. What I am is a woman who has lived a full emotional life (hoping to live more!), made my share of mistakes, and been through my share of complicated interpersonal relationships. I’ve also been through a very unpleasant divorce, and one with tentacles that have impacted my life (and my children’s lives) for many years.
Perhaps because I believe firmly in commitment, but I don’t necessarily hold conventional views of commitment, I believe it behooves us to look realistically at all the good we’ve shared with our partners, before reacting (or over-reacting) to a situation that may be painful to work through, but which CAN be worked through.
I would ask you to think about the length of time you’ve been together, your history, the quality of your communication, whether or not it’s been a sexless union (or an unsatisfying one) prior to this involvement. Are there stresses on your relationship or on her that could have precipitated distance that left her vulnerable to the attentions of someone else?
I would also hope you will think about what you would want if the circumstances were reversed – if for some reason at a point in time, you felt an emotional pull to someone else, and gave into it.
You might find this of interest on emotional affairs. Cited in that column is Psychology Today with the following: “… women are more apt to show up physically and sexually when their partner is emotionally present, while men tend more to just show up, with their emotional presence being something of an afterthought.”
Can she suddenly turn off her feelings or desire? Suddenly? My guess would be no. But can she detach from them with time, honest communication with you, honest discussion of what is going on with her, with you, with your “us” – and knowing you’re willing to work on the relationship if she is?
If she’s like women I know, that’s a yes.
As for hiding, clearly she felt guilty or, at the very least, protective of that relationship. That does not mean there was a sexual encounter. I would not assume sexual contact even if the correspondence has a flirtatious edge. You’d be surprised how much solace there can be in feeling seen, listened to, valued, and yes – desired – no touch required.
I hope this helps. Please stop back and keep us posted, or let us know if we can help in any other way. Wishing you the best.
Well…..I appreciate the honest feedback of my situation and also your own experiences. I am still at odds in terms of her wish to stay in touch with him under the statement of friendship however, can they go back keeping conversation on the lie of decency.
I know that she has missed this interaction with me due to our busy lifestyles but at the same time is it acceptable that she finds this need from someone else? It transpires that she has still mentioned his name in her sleep plus I know she has sent him an online gift (then hid the bank statement) and also searched for him through other channels on the internet and then told me she did not. What am I to make of this? Again, she says she does not really think about him but the signs are she does. Do you think she is looking to keep the contact with him without hurting me? What actions should I take?
Jacques, Perhaps we can ask readers what they might suggest – from their experience. Have the two of you spent any time with an appropriate counselor?
Jacques, first I know nothing, I know neither you or your wife, I do not know your history and I have Zero qualifications.
It seems as if you should talk to someone and that you should see a marriage counselor as soon as possible. First I think you need to determine how you feel, how you feel about your wife and how you feel about your marriage. This will determine your course of action.
Second the fact that there are secrets and hiding is concerning when a marriage is supposed to be transparent and not just open. If the old flame is just a friend, why the secrets, unless you as the husband freaked out or acted very strangely.
Third the type of gift, the cost of the gift, the reason for the gift and whether your wife gives like gifts to other friends is probably instructive.
Fourth, Wolf raised the question about whether men and women can be friends, just friends. I am a male and I think they can. That said, many females and most males believe this cannot occur. Thus each person must be judged on a case by case basis and I know neither of these two people. The more difficult issue is whether former male and female lovers can still be friends (which is worth a blog by D. A.). I am not sure about this.
I know of only one case where it is platonic. My suspicion is that it is rare. Hence depending what you mean by old flame could be important, and while you should not assume anything happened it would make it more urgent to see a counselor in my mind.
Fifth women seek emotional attachment, validation, often self worth and value from emotional connections. Hence I would be VERY careful and not assume there has been a sexual affair. That said I think if it continued being an emotional engagement and there is a resultant discord or negative effect in your relationship it could go that way. Hence I think there probably is a need for an objective third party counselor. If you have been married a long time, both busy and matters hum drum this may simply be a case of the grass is greener and a counselor might clarify that.
Sixth, what people say and do……what can I say, it is what they do that is telling. That said you may misinterpret what they do, again another reason to discuss with a counselor or psychologist.
Seventh what do your and her friends think? Did any of them know the guy? How did they split up? Is he Prince Charming or a douche? If he is married or has a girlfriend why not all go to dinner together as friends.
Eighth – think this through carefully and rationally as it may very seriously effect the rest of your life. Given the emotional nature of things I think you need VERY objective, intelligent and rational friends or a counselor or psychologist to help you sort this out in your head and sort out the behaviour of your wife and this guy.
What actions should you take are based on how you feel, what you want and what you can do. Jacques, no one can answer this but you and it depends on what you want to do. That said I suggest you talk to a counselor or psychologist yesterday as you are clearly struggling with this (as you are asking questions online) and this is effecting you and your marriage. From there you can take other action such as marriage counseling. That is presuming you want to continue your marriage, and if not you should protect yourself legally and financially. You need to get your head, goals, actions, and life clear and straight so you can address these issues in a manner that is best for all, especially you.
Right now, make an appointment with a counselor or a psychologist. Make sure you are getting enough sleep and exercise. Take a deep breath and take care.
Curtis –
Thank you so much for this incredibly thorough set of considerations for Jaques.
Have you ever had an innocent flirtation assumed to be something more?
Was it online or in person, and with what eventual outcome?
How did you handle it, in order to gracefully clear up the situation?
About two years ago I changed employers and kept in touch with a formal colleague from my old employer.
We communicated by email and became friends rather quickly (it turns out we were both having personal problems which led to an emotional bond developing between us).
This led to some flirting during our emails that I misread as romantic intent.
By the time she realized what was happening it was too late, and the damage had been done. I was convinced that we were going to be in a relationship even though she apparently had no such intent.
She sent me a relatively nice email apologizing for “not being upfront about her intentions” and for “leading me to believe something different than what she intended” and then cut all contact with me.
I was emotionally devastated by the experience; it reached the point that I had to seek professional help.