Do we believe that beauty is skin deep? That inner beauty radiates when we feel good – or better yet – fantastic?
In reflecting on female body image, body shape, the aging body, and all the cultural stereotypes and expectations placed on a woman’s appearance, I couldn’t neglect the critical aspects of chemistry.
How can we deny the importance of physical attraction at various stages in life? The science behind it, the logic of it, or its evolving nature when we fall in love?
But then, we’ve all heard stories about the average looking man whose humor and mischief-making turns a small spark into a raging fire, or the homely woman who seems increasingly pretty as we get to know her. (Sounds like something out of a Jane Austen novel brought to the big screen, no?)
Come on. You know what I’m talking about. The slow unfolding of the whole enchilada – not the surface, not the pretense, but the person who reveals himself or herself over time.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder
If you’re lucky, you may have experienced it – the pleasure of the plain woman who becomes irresistible as you get to know her. For that matter, you may also have known the disappointment in the beautiful woman with an acid tongue and icy heart, whom you come to see as ugly.
The Hot Guy with the great pecs and tight butt? I’m as affected by that particular magic as the next heterosexual woman. But what if five years later his hair is thinning and his gut is spilling over his jeans? What are you left with?
If the twinkle in his eye and his astonishing ability to kiss you at exactly the right moment is part of the package, then you have plenty. Especially if as the years wear on and your lives intertwine, the person he is – with you – and you, with him – brings both of you the sort of intimacy that most men and women seem to desire.
Definitions of beauty? They evolve.
Chasing after the crazy woman, the Bad Boy, the one you wouldn’t want if he or she wanted you? It may be fine when you’re 20 and clueless, but when you’re all grown up? Not so much.
Beauty Essentials
Most of us hope to find a partner who is both friend and lover. Most of us wish to be seen, to be known, and to feel less alone. We hope we’ll grow as part of a couple, and not shrink under the burdens of our pairing.
But sharing that much of ourselves requires confidence in who we are, trust in the person we’re with (a toughie for many of us), and trust in the relationship. Revealing ourselves – and doing so without “dumping” our past on another requires patience, time, and a willingness to be vulnerable. It also means assessing the other person’s capacity to see, hear, and accept us for who we are.
What if our notion of beauty essentials involved more than a particular body type or hair color? What if our beauty essentials incorporated allowing ourselves to shine – the aspects of ourselves that are most about who we are and what we care about – the determined runner, the obsessive writer, the nurturing caretaker, the engaged political activist – living our passions more fully, and supporting those we love in the fullest expression of what they value and desire?
Relationship Rosy Glow
What if we stopped rushing into relationships blindly – or desperately? What if we stopped putting a label and time table to each stage? What if we allowed relationships to flow, getting to know one another slowly? Seeing how we manage through trials as well as triumphs?
Couldn’t we permit the rose colored glasses to fall away, and the glow – if it’s there – to remain?
Misunderstandings? Peccadilloes? They happen in the best of relationships.
What we need and want from our partners? It can change.
To me, seeing another adult through rose-colored glasses, or a relationship for that matter, is about projecting elements of illusion and stubbornly refusing to expand or resolve the view.
But the rosy glow we perceive when we love someone? The radiance we give off when we feel loved? That’s something else again. The stuff of a good relationship.
And the time to build it.
Relationship Deal Breakers
Maybe coming to the experience of shedding so many of my former relationship deal breakers is a matter of age, or pragmatism. Maybe it’s good fortune. Moving beyond those deal breakers that once seemed non-negotiable has allowed me to know extraordinary people at a deeper level.
And I couldn’t be more appreciative of that discovery.
So here’s to the whole package in each of us, whatever our wrapping or unwrapping. Here’s to the pleasures inherent in embracing our faces sprinkled with lines, our bodies reflecting our very personal stories, and sharing – generously – with those we are getting to know, and those we welcome into our hearts.
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An engineering dictum I remind myself with when an inevitable mistake turns up is good judgement comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgement; there is truth in the expression when it comes to relationships, you have to take chances in order to grow. As you point out, the problems emerge when your list of deal breakers is so extensive that it would be impossible for any partner to live up to them. While it is good to learn what your deal breakers are over time, you need to throw one away when you add a new one. Lori Gottlieb’s Marry Him: the case for settling for Mr. Good Enough argued this quite effectively.
Ah, the judgment Catch-22, yes. As for Lori Gottlieb, batticus, Google ‘Forbes Woman Mr Good Enough’ for my views on that (more than semantic, marketing) issue… 🙂
Do I throw out the entire coffee table because it has a nick on one corner? Do I toss those comfortable slippers which may be a little ragged around the edges? I’m trying to be funny but of course, any “reasonable” person is going to look at the whole package. Nothing (or no one) is perfect so yes, there will be a few a negative things but overall the balance sheet is going to show the assets are greater than the liabilities. At least I hope that’s true. I’ve a number of nicks and yes I’m a little ragged around the edges.
Anyone who has spent time online dating might think we treat furniture better than people… But I like your analogy, Mr. Belle.
I am so right here of late – The last week has been a C Change in perception. Having never felt my age, I came face to face with the reality that I am not the same age as the 31 year old – and my body is not the same… and the change in perception has me looking differently at beauty and myself.
Did that cute guy have that beard when I thought he was cute? And seirously, I am attracted to that man ten years my junior… and would he see anything in me given the age difference?
How a little thing can change everything… and how important is it to realize that I don’t like facial hair but… um, it does look good on him and I wouldn’t mind… and yes, that other guy is flirting with me despite the ten year difference… and wow, I might not be the body I was two years ago, but I am so much more experience and energy and of “me” than I was before.
Beauty… truly in the eye of the beholder.
I love your observations, TE… (Funny how what we consider attractive may shift.)
I’m a single woman who has, in the last five years, found more happiness in a non-traditional relationship than I ever achieved when I was trying to be part of a “couple.”
While I can see the wisdom in your points, Ms. Wisdom, I think the single biggest factor in my relationship failures (I have a lot of experience, because my judgment in these things sucks) was that I was looking for someone who would “complete,” me, fix my flaws, and save me from my problems, the biggest of which was being alone.
That never happened, largely because while a part of me wanted to be saved, another part of me wondered why my SO at the time was settling for a fixer-upper when the world seemed full of shiny, desirable, models. It wasn’t long before things fell apart. At last, from necessity, I learned to like my own company, to understand that I was a complete person, and that I didn’t need someone to “fix” my life–I was more than capable of building the life that suited my son and myself, on my own.
And at that point I met the person who, like me, doesn’t need fixing. We share a house and a life. We remain together because it suits both of us–and at the time it doesn’t, he will leave. I suspect that my early life unsuited me to the concept of traditional marriage–part of growing up as been realizing that that’s okay, and finding the sort of companionship that works for someone like me, rather than the type of companionship that others believe I need.
It’s always nice to have someone new comment. Glad you stopped by, Bodie. Oh, that “fixing” and “completing” thing. Why does it take so long to learn our lessons?
Finding, when we aren’t looking. How wonderful.
Years ago I took acting classes with an amazing and wise teacher (Peggy Feury). We were talking one day about a particular wealthy man and his women. “If you took away his money, would they still be attracted?” someone said. Peggy: “It’s not that simple. What they’re attracted to is the whole package.”
One question Wolfie, where’d you get that picture of me in just my jeans. No, really… ;O)
Gandalfe, your wife must have a permanent smile on her face…