I’m thinking about trust. About how easily some of us give it, and what happens when trust is broken.
I’m thinking about love affairs, about marriage, about life after marriage, about trusting “the universe.” I’m thinking about the sense of betrayal when families – or social and legal institutions like health care systems or family court – don’t live up to our trust in them.
It’s one thing to bring yourself through the rebuilding process when you’ve lost trust in one individual. But what if your belief system has been broken? What if it’s faith in your deity, or faith in your family, or faith in the infrastructure of the country you love?
I am awed and astonished at those who live through the worst possible tragedies – tragedies that I cannot imagine surviving – and yet they continue to hold onto their religious convictions.
I know a few such people, and I admire them greatly.
Some turn tragedy into gifts for others. They pour their grief into purposeful contribution with extraordinary generosity and perhaps for them, in a way, this is life-saving. They speak of their experiences. They educate others. Whatever has broken in them, I imagine they have rebuilt a parallel or adjacent core – scarred, but functional.
When it comes to betrayal in a relationship, some may find their way back to a place of tentative trust. It may take months. It may take years. Or it may never happen, not for lack of trying. Some cannot rebuild; one breach is all it takes for absolute destruction. They will never trust that person again.
Some may never trust anyone again.
Not with their heart, or the practicalities of their future.
In marriage, there are many kinds of beliefs, and likewise, events that may break a bond irrevocably. Abuse of a spouse or child comes to mind. Perhaps you discover certain aspects of “another life” you may not have known about, or moral issues that you simply cannot live with. And of course – there’s the “traditional” (and commonplace?) break that comes through infidelity – emotional or otherwise.
But what of family that abandons you? Blood relations, who withdraw support for reasons you cannot fathom? What of breaks in families over money – which is remarkably common?
What of children who cease to care that a parent is in dire financial need – though the child (now an adult) has plenty of money and is in a position to help? What of siblings who simply turn their backs, to save a buck?
I could write of our health care system that leaves some of us without assistance, and others, broke. I could write of our judicial system when it comes to the handling of custody and family support. Many write of these issues and far better than I, capturing the details of their battles and their heartbreak. Circumstances differ; both men and women suffer. Beyond this suffering, children carry the burdens of adult dissension and outright warfare, of confusing and malignant role models when it comes to relationships, of emotional scarring from convoluted custody decisions or the outright deprivation of a loving parent. Of a parent’s health problems, or their own health problems.
And of course, there is poverty.
During or after divorce, when what you witness the courts dole out is anything but an equitable solution – some may argue that “equitable” is subjective following marriage – it’s hard to retain your beliefs.
In justice.
In any of the teachings we are so naively raised with – about fairness, about common sense, about parents loving children and our systems, theoretically designed to support their well-being.
Naturally, there are millions of examples of compassionate family members who rally around in the event of crisis. Likewise, there are family members who turn their backs and walk away.
Parents. Children. Siblings.
This is a sort of betrayal that never leaves you. A break of some core, that I’ve never come to understand.
Yet the kindness of strangers has always reminded me that when my own beliefs feel broken, hope can be rekindled. And if I see hopelessness in another human being, I try to extend a hand.
I admit, in my own life, I have grown skeptical of certain institutions, skeptical that love won’t be rescinded, skeptical that the family we are born into will not abandon us, skeptical that “il n’y a pas de hasard” – there is a reason for everything – is anything but a platitude we tell ourselves to be able to make it through another day.
And yet this doesn’t mean I don’t live moments of joy, moments of pride, moments of giving – and to the extent I am capable, with generosity. It doesn’t mean that I don’t recognize good in people around me, and cherish those qualities while cherishing them.
These days, I am grateful. My sons are healthy. I love a good man. I have allowed myself to become vulnerable – truly vulnerable – for the first time in many years. It’s eye-opening, terrifying, wondrous.
And yet yesterday, in conversation with a friend, I uttered these words and surprised myself when speaking them: I trust him, but I don’t know that I could ever trust the institution of marriage again.
Clearly, I have yet to let go of certain shadows. Too many beliefs have been irrevocably broken.
- Have you had your trust broken?
- Have you been able to put the pieces back together?
- If you give up certain foundational beliefs, with what do you replace them?
- Where is the line between self-protection and self-limitation?
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After my divorce over 23 years ago I knew I would never marry again. Just not that important to me anymore. I would go on to love and love but the need to marry never showed up. I own my own home, I live the life I love, men come and go but my women friends never leave. I am happy and I see no need to marry again. I did it all for 20 years and I know I am so confident in my own life I just relish in my space and time. Sure sometimes it is lonely but I was more lonely in a marriage for 20 years. I love my sons as adults and of course my grandchildren make my day everyday and will until I die. I see women all the time struggling in relationships and I just don’t want the struggles anymore. Life is too short to always be thinking will this last, will I have to give up my independence, will I become someone else. I love who I am, just how I am. My two cents for today.
And now, I have my inspiration for my next blog post. BLW, there’s nothing wrong with you if you decide that having been there, done that, your ideal relationship does not include joining the marital institution. Having said that, this relationship is still relatively new, especially compared to how many years you haven’t been married. You may change your mind somewhere down the line, or you may not. The belief in that institution may not come back, but right now, I believe it’s been replaced by a belief in yourself. Far more valuable.
Thank you, April. For understanding.
I’ve written an entire series on marriage… with more to come. I’ve examined it from too many aspects and I’m with you. I’m not sure I trust it either. What does it guarantee that we can’t find in the moment?
It’s funny T. I’ve been thinking about this, a good deal. If you don’t have an employment relationship (I am an independent worker, a.k.a. contractor / freelancer), you have no benefits – health insurance, dental insurance, life insurance, short term or long term disability, or unemployment insurance if you’re laid off – unless you purchase insurance on your own. Let me tell you – over 45? Over 50? Very very expensive. In marriage, if your spouse has employer-subsidized benefits, then you no longer fork over a small fortune “just in case” – you’re covered by virtue of being married. The other option? Gamble that you won’t get sick…
That’s a practical reality. That’s a problem of our social structure (or lack thereof).
When you’re married, there is a familial recognition and “legitimacy” (for lack of a better word) for a committed relationship that doesn’t exist otherwise. If the person you love is ill and in the hospital, you’re allowed in as the spouse. Friends / family / clients / neighbors / renters, etc. look at you differently – even in this day and age (shocking, really).
These differences are very real. That said, for those of us who have been through a problematic journey not only divorcing but in the years following, the thought of marriage is more than a little unnerving. Because we know that love and commitment can change – sometimes dramatically and leaving us in a position of vulnerability that goes beyond the emotional – trusting the institution of marriage (and what may happen during or after) is hard to shake.
Loving?
I believe life is so much richer for it. It’s not easy or simple finding someone to love who loves you back. When you do, you consider yourself extraordinarily blessed. More than that? I just don’t know. More than today? I don’t know either.
“To the extent I am capable, with generosity.” With great generosity indeed, and the daily maintaining of your blog alone is a testament to that, if only for the time you devote to it, a precious commodity to you as we’ve seen during the holiday season.
And something tells me that more than one person has experienced the benefits of your extended hand in time of dire need.
Coming back to trust, are we not the person we betray the most when we find ourselves incapable of giving it?
Isn’t that effort to give – and to deserve – trust really an effort to build and maintain a world we want (our children) to live in ?
And I understand that betrayal can break you, and leave you skeptical – even cynical – but the alternative to trusting again is hardly appealing.
Betrayal in marriages can take many forms, and the slow and subtle withdrawal of presence and real intimacy is one of them, as I’ve experienced firsthand.
Even so, I’ve always thought that the person withdrawing might be the one suffering the most, despite appearances.
Just to be aware that we have shadows to let go of is something to be grateful for, I find. To dust oneself off and try again : a very American thing to do, non? Or is it a French cliché?
Enjoy your good man, and the present moment!
Trust is such a hard thing to regain once it’s been broken. And it doesn’t matter if it’s faith, marriage or family ties. The damage is done and it’s difficult to repair. But when we can’t or won’t trust again, who really gets shortchanged? All of life is a risk. If we refuse to trust again, we live life always looking over our shoulder, expecting the worst to happen…again. When that happens, I think we miss out on amazing opportunities that might not have happened otherwise. The question become, who or what do you trust in the most. Our church has developed a scripture memory program and the first one, appropriately, was It’s better to take refuge in the Lord than trust in man. Psalm 118:8
Always such a thoughtful response, Lisa. Thank you.
May I recommend James Hillman’s astonishing essay on betrayal to all who are interested: http://bit.ly/cVsVlC
Alain and Lisa make excellent points. Alain: “Coming back to trust, are we not the person we betray the most when we find ourselves incapable of giving it?” C’est vrai. It reminds me of the pig in the poche.
BigLittleWolf, yet again an insightful writing.
The health insurance issues for Americans are sometimes overwhelming. I am more than aware of them having worked in a large hospital chain in the US and dealing with the Insurance companies, Federal and State governments. As Americans age it becomes more of an issue. Republicans, Democrats, Federal government, state governments, private industry and the tooth fairy seem to be at odds with few or no answers. It seems that the system will have to implode before there is meaningful change. That said I have both lived and been elsewhere where the systems are adequate, better for older persons, or just better overall. In Canada the issues you raised above are just not issues. You have universal health care and your income tax reflects this. While certain American voices would have you believe you wait in bread lines for health care in Canada, this is simply not true. In fact I found seeing a GP is quicker, easier, and you have freedom of choice. Now there is a wait for specialists and if you want the absolute best you may have to go elsewhere or pay in Canada. Canada is very close to the US economically and culturally and therefore there is no real impediment to implementing the better aspects of the Canadian system.
The French system is a mixed private and public works well and in my mind is one of the better systems or Sweden is also okay. The public and private system of the UK is to be avoided.
As to betrayal and trust. Well without going into detail, let`s just say that I lived a made for Hollywood movie where I had a cameo appearance. That said I had been brought up to trust and do good by parents, family and school (those darn nuns). I also believe that Alain is absolutely correct in that the only person injured is yourself. That said I am much more careful and I have friends who are prosecutors, defense lawyers, psychologists, a psychiatrist and one employed by a certain government agency known for deception who are very protective of me. It is nice to have friends but I now feel as if I have half a dozen overprotective mothers.
In the end, can you really live life if you do not trust and fully experience life?