I wasn’t at my best yesterday, after long days of a trailing migraine that have made everything in the daily routine seem murkier. This morning isn’t much better.
I feel disappointed by my own inability to juggle it all. I feel ragged and out of sorts. I feel guilty and conflicted about being the less-than-ideal mother, the cranky girlfriend, and a woman I hardly recognize when I stare into the mirror of the self.
And how could I possibly recognize her?
Life has changed dramatically in many ways, and in some ways, not at all. I’m into a new chapter, but not far enough along to discern its shape or meaning or eventual impacts.
I’m in a transitional relationship. With myself.
Yesterday’s musing brought a reader I know to be a life coach. Her comment caught my attention, as she asked (more or less) if I could remember when I last put my own needs first.
And I couldn’t remember.
Single Life, Married Life, Parenting Life
I can’t tangibly recall that life – the one in which I structured my days around a single pillar and that pillar was me: my health, my passions, my professional life, my social life.
That was another time, a narrower existence in some ways – and a freer one. A time of being single, self-centered, self-interested.
And then we pair off. Our priorities shuffle. We make room for additional pillars and their purpose: we hold up an “us” rather than a “me” and an expanding “us” when children come along with all their rampant, raging, ravenous, adoring, adorable, aggravating needs.
And we love this stage in our lives, even as we slide into a loss of self in the midst of it.
And then, empty nest. My pre-parenting days seem very long ago, and with both sons at college, I was just growing accustomed to an emerging rhythm – one in which there was time for me.
Along comes winter break, and the conflicts of being smack in the middle of some aspects of mothering (and not others) – and the expectations of a partner who is used to having me to himself.
I’ve been flailing.
Old Habits, New Views
So whose needs come first?
The question reminds me that I slip into old habits of worrying and nurturing that fall along traditional gender roles, but this is also part of my personal history. My habit is to put the needs of others before my own – almost exclusively.
My kids’ needs. A man’s needs. A friend’s needs. An employer’s needs.
As to the relationship I’m in, I’m doing a reasonable job at stating what my needs are – including that precious “alone time” which is not simple to negotiate. Likewise, the gentleman in the equation is extremely good at listening and compromising, at speaking his mind, and I’m learning to trust what I see and hear.
When it comes to men, this is new for me.
Naturally, I worry about the balance that he seeks, wanting to make him happy – but without losing myself. And I come to see the core self-esteem issue at play in the perpetual placing of others first: I am not enough, I am not good enough; if I don’t give and give, I won’t be loved.
Contradictions, Parenting, and the Oxygen Mask
As I recognize the contradictions in myself – confidence that coexists with self-doubt, flexibility side-by-side with resistance, the extrovert as much as the introvert – the need to give, still greater than the need to take, I wonder:
- Where is the line between loving generously and giving yourself away?
- I retain a “me” when I leave the country. Why? And how do I reproduce that phenomenon at home?
- Is the drama of putting our own needs first a woman’s issue, or is it generational?
- How does any of this help with prioritizing when it’s all too much?
Oh, we could go with the overused analogy of the oxyen mask in the airplane. For the parent to help the child, it’s the parent’s oxygen mask first. Well, sometimes this principle applies, and sometimes it doesn’t. It depends.
Perhaps the answer to whose needs come first is that simple – and challenging. It depends.
Perhaps the follow-up question is just as interesting – and important: When you’re out of the habit of putting your own needs first, how do you make your way back?
Practicing Change
I’m a believer in change, in shaking things up, in taking a chance. But it’s easier said than done. It means risking failure, the consequences of which may be greater as we get older.
Returning to the concept of a transitional relationship (with myself), isn’t it always about a period of change – of testing and experimentation, of stumbling and getting back up?
So I remind myself that change takes practice. As my reader points out, we have choices. And there is no “perfect” in any of this. Only the messy, uncomfortable and evolving process of re-learning priorities, and paying attention to the necessity of periodically tinkering with them.
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I brought the me back after a 20 year marriage and kids went to college. I have had men come and go but me remains. I have every faith if you let things happen organically you will win out. A difficult task embracing change and a man. I have some success and failures in that regard. I always center on me. Hoping you can do the same. It is so far from selfish which is where women who have been caregivers go immediately. Let you shine.
Thank you, Madge. I know this is a period of change. I appreciate your perspective, your example, and your confidence that women can achieve a sustained “self.”
I am usually spread one molecule of oil layer upon busy waters… to simply survive financially. I tell myself, lovingly: “you are working hard at your edges. Keep growing as you can and trust me to let you rest when we can.” And, at night even when awake, I remind myself that this is a joy to work hard for myself and others. I think that acknowledging the hard work is important. Then, noting that what seems for others is also for me. Since I have had no work, well, the blessing of busy-ness is helpful.
Little care moments: even the wistful imagination of lying in a sun warmed meadow, under a tupelo tree. Works.
Transitioning from a childless professional to a stay-at-home mom to an infant (then an infant and a toddler, now an infant, a toddler, and a preschooler) has taught me that motherhood is a delicate dance between taking care of my own needs and taking care of everybody else’s.
In some ways, I have it easy because my kids’ needs right now are mostly physical and relatively easy to satisfy; in other ways, I have it rough because those physical needs are rather incessant and there’s just not that much time in the day for thinking about my own needs.
I’ve learned that the best days are when there’s time and space for both. The worst ones are when there’s no time for me or, interestingly, way too much. Where the line is between too much and too little, I suspect, differs for each of us and by the season of life we happen to be in.
Terrific thoughts for reflection, D, as always. xo
“Where is the line between loving generously and giving yourself away”? Likewise, where is the line between taking care of your own needs first and selfishness? I bounce, sometimes, between giving myself up and guilt for keeping too much for myself. I am someone who loves time alone but is partnered with a man who wants to do everything with another person. I work, often in intense situations, with the public, while he works all day at his computer screen. At the end of the day, he craves conversation and companionship. I crave silence and alone time. For the past 17 years our daughter has been the great equalizer, ready to go off to do fun things with dad, leaving mom at home to herself. Next year she will be gone. I have often talked to him about retirement and how he will need friends and interests to occupy him, but I should have been more concerned about the empty nest!
I do think gender has a lot to do with this. Traditionally, men have fewer friends and interests outside family, and women are the net workers. I believe women are far more emotionally self sufficient. All through our marriage, I have encouraged him to stay in touch with and spend time with his friends. Year by year he has done this less and less. Meanwhile, I have expanded more and more, and not to what he is interested in. Even though we share so many common interests and pursuits, I will be facing having to say no to him over and over, and then feel guilty because he will be bewildered and unhappy.
The New York Times – Dec 31/2010
The Happy Marriage Is the ‘Me’ Marriage
By Tara Parker-Pope
… the best marriages are those that bring satisfaction to the individual …
I would say this idea is applicable to any relationship. wb 🙂
I recall reading this, Mr. Belle, and not that long ago. I also took the quiz in the article. Interesting, illuminating, and certainly very “me” focused. And every family unit starts with the core relationship, right? But the quiz doesn’t address common values or character issues that become critical when times are tough, and certainly, when children are involved.
Just sayin…
Self-centered gets a bad rap. You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else, period. PLEASE do so, BLW. It would be selfISH not to!
I struggle with this daily. Ok. That’s not quite right. I struggle with this issue but daily shove my needs/wants/desires under the rug promising myself to dig them out soon because hey, if I don’t take care of myself who will? And I never do. Which might explain the stress meds I’m taking. Yuck.
I know what you mean, Jane. But how do we undo the crazy expectations we put on ourselves?
Whenever I’m torn about my obligations, I ask myself what I would advise someone else to do in the same boat. That’s a way to see what my values are. And if there’s a disparity between those values and what I actually do for myself, then it means my behavior isn’t in accord with my values. Nothing is ever right that way.
Good advice, Wolf. But all I can think of (to tell someone else) would be to run away to the circus. (Is that still possible?)
I’m thinking it’s probably not a good long-term plan…
Oh how I hear that “who is that?” sentiment you describe when looking in the mirror these days — I’ve had it too. Too much. A holiday that ran me ragged is showing all over my face.
I also hear the fear of not being loved if we don’t give enough. The people-pleasing instinct? I can’t say if it’s generational or not (there are always outliers). But giving too much of ourselves (and our minds and bodies let us know when it happens!) seems to breed resentment, which also makes us harder to love and harder for us to love back, at any age.
I hope there are moments in your day — and the rest of the week — for you and you alone.
Do you know of Geneen Roth – “when food is love” ? I love her books, but primarily the premise that in the moment…we are ENOUGH. She asks her reader the question, What if who you were, what you’ve been, how you feel…is ENOUGH? I am constantly recognizing the anxiety between what I THINK should be vs. what truly is. The anxiety comes from living in the place of in between…not living fully what is, and longing for what should be. The result is a big old heaping of discontentment. I think you are beautiful, brilliant and gifted. I conclude that you are a loving devoted mother and human being. I understand that there are days, hours, minutes of imperfection (okay, out right misery), but in those days, you manage to write extraordinary, thought provoking and supportive pieces. You are making a difference in the world and I for one think that is more than enough…
Thank you for these kind words, Kristine.
I think it’s stressful – this change. I, too, am trying to learn what it means to put myself first and it is quite uncomfortable. But I need to learn – as do you. As scary as it is to be alone, I’m looking forward to finding myself.
I have a new friend who has moved into the neighbourhood. I don’t know her well yet, but I have this growing feeling that as a non-working wife (just recently) and the mother of two sons about 10-15 years of age, she is at the bottom of the totem pole. Her kids don’t see her as that important because she doesn’t earn money and her husband sounds like he has pretty unrealistic ideas about where they can buy a house, even though he agreed that when they moved country (again) with this move she could take some time to get some training/education that would improve her career outlook. Her sons are at a posh private / public (expensive) school and I’m thinking she’s made a real sacrifice for them. I don’t get the impression they have any idea about feeling appreciative or grateful. I hope I’m wrong.
I hope you’re wrong, too, Shelley. But sadly, you may not be. Not only do children not (necessarily) appreciate what parents do for them – which is understandable to a large extent – but when society as a whole and the other parent devalues the importance, the skill, and the sheer effort involved in parenting, it’s difficult to receive the respect that a parent is due.
In response to a mother who was living exactly that experience – that without the ability to put a dollar value on what she spent 20 years doing, her own children seemed unaware of its importance – that’s exactly why I wrote this: https://dailyplateofcrazy.com/2010/02/05/parenting-is-a-profession-wheres-my-paycheck/
This past summer’s separation taught me that I can be alone and I need to be alone *sometimes*
So, I am planning once a quarter to try and arrange a full weekend for just myself, no kids or husband and NOT at home where I get lost in chores and forgotten to-do’s. Without time to myself, I am frightened I will forget who I am again.
Boy, do I know what you mean about needing even a weekend to be alone. The funny thing is – I know that men do this far more often than women. We should feel as though we have a right to do it as well. We need it. Terribly.
I banter about this same issue in my head. If I do put my needs first, does that automatically make me selfish? For me, it’s challenging to think about my needs when for the last six or seven years I’ve been taking care of elderly parents and a young child, as well as a husband. I am certain me time is important, but how to balance that with ongoing other responsibilities is something that is a constant struggle.
As always, important topic and discussion. Thanks Wolf.