Oh, it’s a strange proposition, isn’t it?
The idea that you could pick your child’s mate. Scandalous! Then again, this is the mother or father of your future grandchildren, the family to which you blend yours, and in so doing, affect future generations.
It was the norm for centuries, and so we are reminded in this delightfully devilish article at High50 by David Thomas, who muses on continuing his bloodline with a bit of selective breeding. He offers up some choice, well, choices – as potential mothers to his grandchildren. And it got me to thinking.
If we could, would we choose the life partners for our sons and daughters?
Would we, as young adults, stand for such a thing – or purposely ignore suggestions, even if they came in the form of counsel?
Dates and Mates… For Our Kids
I’m not quite ready to pair off my kids just yet, thank you very much. And I realize that few teenagers or twenty-somethings would listen to a parent’s perspective these days, besides. Sure, we look kindly on our kids when they bring around friends and dates that we approve of. But more than that?
Most of us hold our breath, hope for the best, exercise what (little?) influence we can, and when it comes to their future happiness (and our future grandchildren), that’s up to them, the fates, the gods, and possibly the economy. I also seem to recall that any man I dated whom my mother liked became suspect in my eyes, by the mere fact that she approved! (And looking back over the years, I dare say I was right to feel that way.)
But if you could have a hand in picking your child’s mate, in deciding who they would marry or at least narrowing the pool, do you think there would be a lesser chance of divorce? Would you bring a maturity to bear that you believe your son or daughter wouldn’t?
And where would your preferences fall?
Marrying Smarter, Marrying Richer, Marrying… “Better”
Would you like to see your child with the indisputable advantages of money (which you may, of course, dispute)? Of fame or renown, or even notoriety? Of physical beauty, as you define it? Of brains or talent? Would you want to see your child marry “better” than you did – however you define that – hoping the wisdom of your mature marital knowledge would be put to good use?
How would you feel if the age issue visits your household? What if your daughter wished to marry a man 20 years older? What if it’s your son in love with a woman two decades his senior, reducing the chance there will be grandchildren?
Gene pool and childbearing aside, what if you’re worried about your child’s potential happiness with his or her partner? Would you interfere?
I’m recalling scenes on television of Cynthia Bailey and Peter Thomas – yes, Real Housewives fare. So concerned about this union, Ms. Bailey’s mother and sister apparently delayed the wedding ceremony by withholding the marriage certificate. Ouch!
As for High50’s Mr. Thomas (no relation), he has a clear (and amusing) idea of what suits his fancy – or at least a run-down of possible candidates in the daughter-in-law department, and it’s a great short read. Pop over! (And then contemplate – honestly – how you might answer the question yourself.)
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Clever article. Makes me sad to think that Punch is dead — at least the wry British humor still lives with some. I’m sure my folks could have done a better choice than I did the first time around. Two of my children connected with local friends from school and we all knew one another. John’s taking his time, and his current girlfriend has been around a long time and comes to family events. My stepson has met a nice woman who may be serious — a college friend we knew before she was his “girlfriend.”
Key point is that previously, when they were much younger, there were some disastrous friends for two of my kids and for Fran’s two children, But you don’t have to marry them — that’s the good thing. Folks learn.
So I’m happy with all current partners of children. My Mom loves Fran, while she saw right though my former wife (but too late to help me. else I sure could have used the help).
Happy with all current partners of children. That’s a pretty good place to be, Paul! (And I’m with you on the British humor. Love it. Wish we had access to more here on this side of the pond.)
Well, since my eldest is engaged (to a nice boy, if he is bland), I guess I should think of my young one. (Wait, you say, aren’t you speaking of a first grader? Yes, yes I am. And she knows that she can’t marry until after college (more reasonable than my father’s declaration that we weren’t allowed to date until we were 40) and she says he’s her best best best…best..best best friend. So at least she has a good criterion.)
And of course, I have hopes for my girls – strong, compassionate, brilliant mates who can cook and laugh well. But I’m pretty sure I’d prefer they steer well clear of Hollywood types. Too much publicity strikes me as no good.
Seriously, I think you have to be very careful with expressing judgement about significant others. If you put a teenager (or 20something) in the position of having to defend their love, their lover, then that can create problems. Solidifying the relationship, while fracturing your own. But, I don’t know how I could support a marriage that was to someone who was a ne’er-do-well or a brute.
Strong, compassionate, brilliant mates who can cook and laugh well.
Sounds pretty good, Kate!
While the thought of arranged marriages isn’t appealing to me, there are times when I think picking my children’s partner might have saved a lot of heartache down the road! What they don’t realize when they are all doe-eyed at each other is that when you marry, you marry the entire family, good…bad…and otherwise. And they don’t realize just how much “family” plays into the marriage/couple dynamic. If given the opportunity, all we can do is express our concerns/observations. But in the end, it’s their decision and we need to then set aside our opinions and be as supportive as possible. And hope we raised them to select someone that complements them.
I have several Indian friends whose marriages were arranged for them. Years ago, I was appalled at the idea (I believed in fairytales, remember?). Not too long ago, a friend and I half jokingly said cultures that arrange marriages for their children have it right in a way. Get the finances, families, and personalities in place first then work out the whole love issue along the way – you do have a lifetime anyway, right? I like to believe that (most) parents approach things in their children’s lives in all seriousness and with a level of maturity that only comes with experience. When we are in love, we see the world in rose-tinted glasses and assume our partner will always see us that way, even when we are at our worst. Perhaps if we approached marriages in a more pragmatic fashion, there would be less heartache, less divorce. I have no doubt arranged marriages have their pitfalls as well but today, with my rose-tinted glasses off, it’s an appealing notion to dream of choosing a mate for my daughters who will not only provide well enough for them and with them, but who will take them at their best and at their worst. [Even on a bad day I remain partially ideal. :)]
So true, the impact of those rose-tinted glasses…
As it happens, this idea came up in an exchange with the person I keep company with. We both realized that our parents had wept together, the days before our weddings to first partners took place. In my case, my mother gently broached the difficulty by noting the “casual cruelty” of his family and how they treated one another. I smiled rather indulgently toward her tentatively put, wise comment, saying, “but, X wants to live more like our family than them.” Well, ten years into a very dry and trying marriage, what was clear is that casual cruelty was underway directed at me. Not the children. Me. But, this harmed them greatly, as is not surprising.
For my company-keeper, those parents said nothing, feeling perhaps the distance that some humble people feel toward their “betters” in education, status, and wealth. Later the mother commented when probed in the wake of a difficult divorce, “But, how to tell you, when this was your choice, and your destiny, as it has unfolded?”
These two stories make me wonder about the value of (not) commenting, gently, on the choice. I had no ears to hear, really. And, in the other story, the mother could not find her voice.
In the stories implicit here, both sets of parents were in calm, good-enough, gentle marriages. Interesting, isn’t it that their true love arcs did not protect us, when as young people we plighted our troth and tried, we truly did.
In my family of origin, I suspect that five of seven live well enough in their marriages, a gift in part due to a pattern from our parents. However, kernels of sorrow in marriages are often deeply hidden from others. So, I do not know. In company-keeper’s case, singleton child. No other data points. Save the ones we now look at before us. Like stars.
Romantic love should be outlawed as a basis for marriage. It would simplify life immeasurably.
omg, i can’t even tell who’s gay and who isn’t for myself! i will stay out of the selection process (thats my plan anyway).
🙂
No, I don’t think I’d like to choose a mate for any of my current step-children. I wouldn’t mind having half a veto, though! (Bill could have the other half).
I like the veto concept, Shelley. Even half a veto… 🙂
I’ve known people who have had arranged marriages and marriages as a result of falling in love. The one thing I’ve learned is this: If there isn’t mutual respect, the marriage fails. It doesn’t matter if it was arranged or if both parties fell in love.
I’m with you on that one, Rudri. Basic stuff. Too often forgotten in the “haze” of so-called falling in love. (Or great sex.)