He didn’t ask for anything in writing, though I anticipated he might.
We’d had a running disagreement over a tree, the need for it to come down, the fact that it sat just over the line on my property but was threatening his.
Then there was the financial issue – the real crux of the matter. It wasn’t a blind unwillingness to cooperate on my part. The cost to take the tree down was exorbitant, and I couldn’t afford it.
He could.
Flash forward more than a year, and paperwork that arrives at the door courtesy of the Great Municipal Powers That Be, as I am forced to take the tree down, regardless of my financial circumstances. We discuss his fronting the money (no request for anything in writing though I offer it if he wants it); ultimately, I juggle and borrow to cover the first portion of the expense.
Bonjour Tristesse.
So down comes the tree, up goes my debt, and the neighbor, to my surprise, is willing to pay approximately 15% of the total cost when I ask him to contribute. Was the entire process honorable? Was he honorable in paying any portion of the expense?
My Word is My Bond
Did you grow up trusting or suspicious? Were you raised to nail everything down in writing, or seal a deal with a handshake and your word?
I was raised on the latter, and as the saying goes, my word is my bond. Naturally, it happens that circumstances knock me off course, and I may not meet a commitment. But that’s rare.
It’s about integrity, identity, the importance of giving my word and the world as I perceive it and know it to work – which is more efficiently when we strive to act honorably.
Duels, and Dueling Values
If it has to do with money, most people put it in writing. If it has to do with love, they bristle at the very thought.
But aren’t most disputes over love or money?
Enter the prenuptial agreement, which grimly seeks to wed the two.
Prenuptial agreement? Cohabitation agreement? Any sort of agreement in writing? It seems like a reasonable act as we know that disputes arise, unexpected circumstances circumvent the usual pattern of our daily lives, and documents theoretically allow us to honor our agreements – or contingency provisions.
And suddenly I recall those nifty costume dramas we watched as kids. The Bad Guy insults the Lady, and the Hero defends her good name by tossing down the gauntlet and subsequently picking up the sword.
That’s one way to decide an argument, though I can’t say it fits a 21st century lifestyle.
Honor, as in Love, Cherish, etc.
Don’t we all live by a certain code when it comes to relationships? You know what I’m talking about – don’t chase your brother’s girlfriend, don’t take advantage when she’s drunk, don’t seduce another woman’s husband.
Well, some of us live by a code, which we bend to whatever justification suits us. And hey – I’m no angel, so I’m not here to throw stones, though I wonder about marriage vows and how it is that “honor” made its way into them.
Love? Cherish? Those make sense. For that matter, even “obey” in the old school view of gender roles is easy enough to trace. But why honor?
Definitions of Honor
When you seek the definition of the word honor, you find:
honesty, fairness, or integrity in one’s beliefs and actions: a man of honor.
Other mentions include respect, high-esteem, even reverence. Was “honor” in the marriage vows an attempt to require an exchange of respect? How encompassing might we consider any such application of the term?
Can we extend the concept to respect for the other elements of the vows? What about respect for the wholeness of the person you are marrying, and recognition that there are indeed two entities joining together, and each must be accommodated in ways that work – through communication and through compromise?
Man of Honor, Virtue, and Other Concepts
Once upon a time the notion of a man of honor went hand in hand with a woman of virtue. This being the 21st century, we could no doubt debate the meaning of that duo over a few bottles of wine – or a case – and without coming to satisfying conclusions.
“A woman of virtue” in its most basic interpretation sounds silly (it implies chastity and faithfulness; I find the former archaic and the latter admirable). That said, the phrase “a man of honor” does not, though honor would be a virtue, and a man of honor would be a virtuous one – with or without sexual connotations.
These days (in my experience), a “man of honor” seems like a treasure, the Holy Grail – possible, but illusory. I wonder if men (generally) feel the same, when it comes to a woman of honor, or an honest woman, or a “virtuous” one if you prefer – beyond the limited definition I mention.
Virtues, Virtuous
I would like to think that I am an example of many virtues – including honesty, integrity, compassion, generosity. I consider the ability to give my word and honor it a virtue. Those traits and beliefs which I deem virtuous are not gender-specific; I tend toward seeking out honorable people to call my friends, and perhaps, to love.
To my surprise, the origin of the word virtue derives from Middle English and Old French, meaning maleness and worth (think “virile”), which makes the mix of meanings in its usage intriguing:
moral excellence, goodness, righteousness; conformity of one’s life and conduct to moral and ethical principles; uprightness, rectitude;
chastity, virginity
It seems that virtue – adherence to moral excellence and ethical principles – was once the very essence of maleness, though what we retain of the notion is a woman’s chastity.
As a culture, we don’t speak of virtues much any longer – for either gender. Why is that? And why isn’t honor among the most important?
Honor Among Thieves
If there is indeed honor among thieves, is it because their very survival depended upon the ability to rely on each other?
How are we – as friends, as lovers, as partners, as parents – any different?
If honor among thieves was a matter of survival (step out of line, and you get your throat slit), I find considerable relevance in today’s world of marital misery and destructive divorce.
We Live the Society That We Create – Daily
I circle back to the premise that honor may seem lofty in its ideals, but it is achievable. Are honesty, fairness, and integrity in one’s actions really so impossible to visualize and act on?
Don’t we choose to be honorable in the nature of our commitments and our willingness to act on them, in honoring our bodies by treating them with respect, in honoring our beliefs by living them to the best of our ability, by honoring our principles with all the gravity that suggests? Doesn’t that include those we love, those we wed, those we parent, those who are in trouble, and those who rely on our word?
As for my neighbor, I am ambivalent around his actions, and I’ll leave it at that.
There are few absolutes and even fewer instances where integrity dictates a simple yes or no. Relationships of every sort are extraordinarily complex; contemporary life bombards us with distractions, temptations, and excuses. We rationalize our behaviors; we recreate our self-image as time passes. There is no “perfection” or one-size-fits all in any set of beliefs or actions, but perhaps if we thought of honor among thieves – that our very survival depends upon our “virtuous” dealings with others – we might be better off.
© D. A. Wolf
Great article today. I am so trusting. I rarely write up anything among friends but when I loan someone money, I do make them sign a note to me, so that there can never be a misunderstanding about the terms of the loan. I did this even with my best friend of 42 years (she was a lawyer) and she agreed willingly. When it comes to love it is my word. With neighbors we share the cost for anything that benefits us both or sits right on the property line. For trees I trim the trees rooted on my property and it usually includes cleaning up anything that hangs over. I also own apartment buildings and anything that hangs into my property I cut. If it is a big tree and sits on their property but is affecting my property we share it so that I can have my half be safe thereby making theirs safe as well. I have had no issues. When something sits on the exact property line it is split 50/50, fences and trees. Having a good relationship with my neighbors is important to me. One neighbor got a new puppy and the fence was not holding the puppy in. They built a larger chain link and asked nothing from me as it didn’t benefit me at all and it was about them wanting something secure for their dog. It should be easy but I know lots of people that are constantly fighting with their neighbors. Good luck with this.
Honor among thieves? Thief? Oh great, so much for my record being expunged.
Honor, integrity, principle, characteristics which sometimes seem in short supply. I see, though, the amusing juxtaposition of the words honor (something good) and thieves (something bad) which in some ways reflects life. It’s more grey than black and white.
I like to think of myself as an honorable man but this statement about me may also true: Everything I say is a lie.
Honor among thieves – one might call it an oxymoron. But it exists, no? Sometimes?
Sicking the city on you was not neighborly or honorable especially if he know your financial status. His paying 15 percent is likely a lot less than his insurance deductible if the tree did cause damage to his house. We were in the same situation, roles reversed except we had equal financial stakes–we split the cost 50-50. If you can’t renegotiate for him to pay a higher percentage then tell him the only option is a payment plan.
Done. Past history. It is what it is… but I was curious to know if some people thought what he did was perfectly “normal” (and even kicking in a bit, reasonable). It’s not at all how I would’ve handled it. Then again, I’ve been called a Utopian… with good shoes. 🙂
The first thing I think about when I read “honor among thieves” is Robin Hood and his Merry Men. I have seen people that pass themselves off as being “saints” but they are far from that – they live in half truths and Bible verses they don’t quite understand as they hiss under their breaths. And then I have seen “thieves” with wicked tongues, who would “steal” for the underdogs but who realize their imperfections and are compassionate people. Oxymorons and contradictions…they are more believable than anything that suggests black and white. As to your neighbor…sheesh, bastard.
To be clear, Joy (et al), I was using the neighbor situation as one example of how “honor” and our perceptions of what that means differ, depending on who you ask. And when money is involved, things become even more “interesting.”
When the dispute began, I called in arborists who said the tree was not hazardous; I could take it down or not. When papers arrived a year later, I hadn’t solicited that visit. Moreover, when I spoke with my homeowner’s insurance, they informed me they could only help if and when something happened – in other words, no preventative measures, only payment toward damage if it ever occurred. In other circumstances, I have offered to share the cost to take down a tree with a neighbor on a fixed income. I considered that honorable. There was no such offer here, though when I requested that he kick in something, he did so.
Some might say he didn’t have to do that, and therefore was honorable. Others might say, someone with means – being neighborly – would offer to pay half, at least. My point, again, is both to do with trust and integrity. Our impressions of what that means vary. Likewise, in relationships.
He is all pine and I am apple orchard.
My apple trees will never get across
And eat the cones under his pines, I tell him.
He only says, ‘Good fences make good neighbors’.
— Robert Frost, “The Mending Wall”