We check those little boxes on dating profiles. We know they don’t “capture” us exactly, but we’ve grown accustomed to placing ourselves – and others – into categories.
It makes everything so much quicker, doesn’t it? And so much simpler – all it takes is dropping each other into little slots based on what we know, what we see, and what we hear.
But most of us don’t fit into a category in entirety. We may not be the square peg in the round hole, but we’re a little of this and a little of that, with our preferences in one part of life that don’t necessarily correspond to preferences in another. And we are all – always – more than meets the eye.
So where do we put our own contradictions? Are we confused as we get to know others, by what seems like ill-fitting pieces to the personality puzzle?
I’m not talking about professing to believe in one thing and then acting on another. For example, you claim to be fiscally conservative in all ways, yet you spend spend spend when it comes to yourself! Or you insist your children keep their rooms perfectly tidy, but your own space is a cluttered mess.
Style: Likes, Dislikes, Personal, Professional
I’m talking about elements of nature and interests, of personal choices, of likes and dislikes.
I’m talking about individuals who embody characteristics that appear on the surface to be contradictory, a phenomenon I consider intriguing and even attractive. I also consider these contradictions to be naturally occurring; we’re neither simple nor without a breadth of experiences, so why wouldn’t we develop desires, beliefs, and behaviors that refuse to neatly categorize?
Aren’t we always in a state of reinvention – some of us more than others?
Public, Private, and Writerly Options
As for the public face and the private one, we all live under the scrutiny of others to some degree. We’re judged by appearance. Our actions are fodder for family and friends. Our words are interpreted by neighbors and co-workers. We’re certainly judged online – in what we say, and what we don’t.
Many of us who write online are of the “tell all” persuasion. If not that, then “tell a great deal.” It’s a matter of nature, a matter of intention, a matter of not worrying about consequences or not believing that consequences will be problematic. It is our version of authenticity.
Some of us choose to compartmentalize; we speak of targeted topics and leave others to the sanctity of mindful silence. This is no less authentic, though we might term it “personal editorial policy” whereby we operate with authentic disclosure and social necessity working together, side by side.
Is this a contradiction? I don’t think so. Transparency – selective transparency – is a necessary reality in many of our lives.
A Joyful Jumble
If I say I’m an independent thinker and a confident woman, does that mean that I’m not vulnerable in a relationship?
If I say I have strong opinions and no fear at voicing them, does that mean I will choose to voice them at any time? If I’m fearless in certain areas of my life, do you assume that I’m fearless in all?
If I write of women’s issues but profess my love of sexy French lingerie, is this a contradiction that seems natural – or possibly, no contradiction at all?
If I tell you that I’m an introvert (I am), but also an extrovert (likewise), does that confuse you? If I admit that I’m silly and lighthearted, but also intense and determined, does that seem perplexing? If I admit to the fact that I adore socializing, but I also need extended periods of time alone, are you baffled?
Self-Awareness
I know my history. I know my preferences. I know the many roles I play – writer, mother, friend, lover. I bring a diversity of selves to each, while aware that I am in a constant state of learning and therefore, flux.
I find that these elements of “selves” may seem contradictory along with opinions and behaviors that may confuse or even confound. To me, these aspects of personality and character coexist nicely. I require no reconciliation or adjustment process; I feel no need.
- What about you? Do contradictions confuse you in others?
- Do you know the contradictions in yourself?
- Do you present a public face that is dramatically different from your private selves?
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I’d like to think that the person I reveal online is the person that I truly am. But your post reminded me of a confusion of my own….how do others perceive the person that I reveal. I think of myself as authentic, real, down to earth but is that how I come across?
As far as being aware of my own contradictions…..no. As my husband would agree, I am perfectly clear/logical/practical/sane/sensible….in my own mind, anyway. 😉
You always make me smile, Jane. You are absolutely authentic, real, down-to-earth and very funny!
I do think some of us are more apt to present varying faces according to the occasion / venue – of necessity. (But in my mind, no matter what I’m writing about, I’m always in my hottest heels, naturally… )
Ah, love those contradictions: a strong, independent (feminist?) woman who loves French lingerie. Then again is that any more of a contradiction than the man who is desirable because he is gentle, tender and loving but who also must be a dominant, unyielding fighter as he slays dragons and combats evil hordes in the (business) world?
Our contradictions make us attractive. Black is nice with white. Ying is better with yang. A strong, independent woman dressed in a garter belt… No wait! Did I just write that? *slaps forehead*
Okay, dominant, unyielding, and fighting but gentle, tender and loving. Oh yeah, and funny. Ya gotta have funny. Now there’s a contradiction for you: serious and funny.
I agree completely, William. With all of it. (Place cool compress on damaged forehead, while audience stifles laughter.)
But tell me, why is it so much easier for those who have lived abroad to understand this principle? The dominant with the delicate, the tenacious with the tender, and all mixed up and without agenda. As for the funny? Oh yes. An absolute must.
Hmmm. I wonder if you are an INFJ on the Myers Briggs? I am. I am highly social but I need lots of contemplative time. I am a nurse fully immersed in evidence based practice but consider myself a mystic. In school I was really strong in Science and English? Shouldn’t Math go with Science? What kind of dichotomy is that?? I think we all have these little hitches and twitches. The trick is finding a partner or friend that can handle them!
I think I’m actually a better version of myself online. I’m better on paper (virtual or otherwise). In person, I’m shy and just too gorked out by people to find my bearings.
Yes Witchie! My online prose gets edited, tweaked, and often enhanced with a quote or two. In person I am so much more boring than my writing might portray. Plus, I won’t put a lot of pictures of me on the WWW because it’d quickly become an exercise that is more interesting to me than my readers.
I refuse to be put into a box. My motto…keep ’em guessing. 🙂
Oooooo, selective transparency?
Love that.
Yup.
That’s us 😉
_TG x