I came across another one of those articles on why nice guys finish last, and reading through the list of reasons – always good for a chuckle – I found little to agree with, and a sizable missing piece.
First, to the typical description of the “Nice Guy,” and the reasons he seems to finish last.
He may be cute, but he’s not “hot” and he’s anything but dangerous. His humor isn’t wicked, his moves are predictable, and it’s quite possible he’s too available and adoring.
In short – he’s sweet, but uninteresting. Moreover, we don’t trust his attentive actions and amorous manner. So we walk away, especially if we have other romantic options.
Now, now – dumping the dullard doesn’t demand you battle for the Bad Boy instead. We know his charms – and most women have tangled with that temptation and licked their wounds, learned their lessons, and then moved on.
Somewhere in the middle of the spectrum between Thrilling-Rake and Barely-Better-Than-Ambien is a different definition of the Nice Guy, and one that requires smart women who know what they want, live by realistic expectations, and recognize what sustains a relationship.
- Doesn’t this mean we need to reset expectations of what a “good” relationship looks like?
- Doesn’t this mean we need to raise confident, responsible, attentive men – who aren’t cookie-cutter in their approach to life (or women), but also aren’t perceived as wimps?
- Doesn’t this mean we need to raise our daughters with the self-esteem to believe a good man when he extends his affections and chooses to pursue her?
What is lacking in the usual depiction of the Nice Guy is the woman’s role in this entire dynamic – and myth – that nice guys finish last.
Is it a lack of self-esteem that makes us turn away from those who want us? If we don’t believe we’re “a catch” – deserving of love and appreciation – then how do we believe a man who offers us exactly that?
If we pursue the scoundrel, the cheat, the Bad Boy – basking in his crumbs (and eventual boot) – isn’t that a sign of something very wrong in us?
If we raised our daughters with a greater sense of self – certainly no small task in our appearance-oriented culture – wouldn’t they be more likely to interact with the nerdy guys, the shy guys, the awkward guys, the regular guys – the diamond in the rough that is the Nice Guy of all sorts?
What if we didn’t measure our daughters’ worth by the fat wallet, sexy stature, or stately sedans their dates may drive?
I certainly know that my parents judged whatever man I brought home by exactly those elements. You could say that was a different time, but what has changed – really?
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I have never met a man without some edge, somewhere. No cookie cutters. Yes, there were mean guys and selfish guys, vain hot ones and less interesting ones.
In my family, our dates were judged by the size of their vocabularies, the type of books they read. I was told that how a man treats his mom is the best indicator of who he is. And my sister and I both found interesting good guys (who both have their sharp edges as we all do).
But to raise girls today who trust love and who believe themselves worthy of relationships that foster their growth and power… That’s a tricky proposition.
Sounds like your dates were judged more on substance, Kate. Mine were also judged on education, but ‘charm’ and seeming ability to provide were nonetheless of major importance, neither of which speak to more telling matters of character.
As the mother of a 16 year old girl, I have worked from day one on her self-esteem. I am lucky that for now, she has a strong sense of self, direction, and doesn’t let others opinions get to her. But I am not naive enough to know that she has many years of growing to do, and that her heart will be broken. I have spoken many times about the “diamond in the rough” guy, the one who may be quiet, but has a sense of humor that will make her laugh. She will forge her own way, but I hope that the lessons I have taught her and continue to teach her help her as she weaves through these teenage years and beyond. As for my 13 year old son… well we have some room for improvement, but I am hoping to raise an attentive, confident and responsible man. Wish me luck! 🙂
Great post!
Linda – I found the toughest part of parenting teens (even boys) managing the balance of keeping an eye out, while taking an increasing amount of distance. They will get hurt, but I think they watch and learn from everything we do (as well as say) – but of course – also are bombarded by constant influences at school, from peers, from media, and so on.
No easy answers – except that these days more than ever – I don’t think the job is “done” a specific age. We can always influence – at least a little. And I do indeed wish you luck!
As a mother who has raised two boys, one who turned out to be a “nice guy” and one a guy with an “edge” I have learned a lot by paying attention to the girls they attach themselves to.
My youngest has the edge, the girls LOVE him. He is a kind, considerate fella BUT he is also “hot.” Was the big man on campus, had the nice car and attitude for days. There was a time when he changed women about as often as he changed underwear.
And I didn’t care for any of the girls. They were all girls who defined their value by the guys they could get to pay attention to them. Self-esteems in the gutter and it was obvious why.
These girls’ parents were absent. I’ve had 15 year old girls knock on my door at 2 in the morning. The phone would ring off the hook constantly day and night. These were girls who had no set rules or boundaries to live by. It was as if the parents were just glad to have them out of their hair.
I’m talking about girls who were intellectually bright but emotionally stunted. Something I find very disturbing in a day and age where parents have no excuse for not realizing that raising children means taking the time to build self-esteem and teach them self-value.
Such smart words, Cathy.
And this is so important: parents have no excuse for not realizing that raising children means taking the time to build self-esteem and teach them self-value.
I think Husband and I are setting a pretty good example for both our boys and our girls, but the truth is that they both seem to have pretty good sense all on their own when it comes to choosing friends based on personal merits and not so much on appearance.
My wife and I try to listen to our son without our agendas for him getting in the way. I hope he gets used to it so that when he meets someone who doesn’t listen, he’ll pass.
I love the way your mind works, Wolf. You and Nora seem like pretty amazing people to me. And Nick is one lucky boy.
The connection between nice and dull, often assumed, is only a sometimes thing. Fortunately nice need not be dull. For many, dull is the same as death and not nice. Or perhaps it’s worse than that, because with dull you live the hell you’re stuck in.
A lot of this may be youthfulness and inexperience, with both girls and guys picking wrong. Deceit has matured before discernment.
I’m hopefully on a path of more doing and less sitting, so I may be reading and posting much less.