Have your eye on the prize, and is it a great new guy? A sexy encounter, or a diamond and marriage?
I couldn’t resist this titillating tidbit, compliments of Your Tango. Apparently, research shows that the Bad Girl does get her man. And that means sexing it up, playing the game, and making certain you’re ever-elusive.
According to the article, which offers up expert advice,
It’s now all about how to act the part of the bad girl to snatch the guy… being a toying, mysterious woman is what men want and what men will commit to.
Really? Do we believe that? Is this the road to relationship, to wedded bliss, or a sure-fire path to a painful divorce?
The expert on the case is psychiatrist Dr. Carole Lieberman, who seems to be telling us what we already know. Behavior she refers to (jauntily) as “bait and switch” is nothing more than the age-old practice of pumping up the Sexy volume, teasing the target, and staying slightly out of reach.
Men like sexy?
Nothing new.
We all want what we can’t have?
Maybe yes, maybe no.
I will say that in our Mean Girl times, I find nothing admirable in treating anyone badly, though that’s not explicitly what this Love Doc is debating. She does seem to suggest however, that old tricks are for more than old dogs. Use sex as bait, hook him hard, reel him in, and settle back to enjoy.
- How do you feel about this sort of advice?
- More effective for the 20-somethings than seeking substance at flirty 40?
- If it works for the Bad Boy, is it equally effective for the Bad Girl?
- As for women, what about the shorter shelf life for their wily wares?
Personally, I read these articles with a 16-ounce container of salt, recognizing that while we’re visually oriented, men in particular, I’m aghast at the concept of bait-and-switch. If this is how you get the guy, what about how you manage to keep him?
Then there are those catchy headlines like “Jen gets the ring,” which I noticed at the supermarket checkout last week, reminding me we’re still operating in a fragile and outmoded framework: the brass ring is the wedding ring (for women), and the marriage itself – too often the afterthought.
Shouldn’t we be concerned with foundations? With building good relationships?
Shouldn’t we be adjusting marital expectations, rather than focused on hooking the Next Big Fish?
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Uh oh…. I come across as mysterious….. but it’s not because I’m trying to catch a man. Folks around here seem to equate alone with mysterious. I’m alone because I need to get to know myself, I want to learn to love who I am right now. Man not needed for that. No mysteries or toying here……just crazies!
I want to love who I am right now. – So important, Coastal Harp! As for mysterious, I think it’s good – especially when it’s not put on or faked. In other words, I’m in favor of getting to know others slowly and naturally, and that means holding back a bit. A matter of trust, of common sense, of proper pacing – with men or women. But hey, that’s just my way of seeing it!
Couldn’t agree more..
I think this “advice” is intended for the young ones. As you mention, it is likely more about getting the man than having a long-term good relationship. “Bad girls/guys” may be interesting briefly. Bait and switch. We should know better.
You know my approach. Don’t read advice columnists. Put yourself out there and meet lots of people, Be yourself. Have enthusiasm and ask questions (and answer honestly if asked). Drive lots away. Keep the right one.
I think you should give advice, Paul. 🙂
Yikes, BLW, hoisted by my own petard.
Only once did I find an “advice” book helpful.. When a relationship was ending, the lady (loosely speaking) kept saying she was “sorry” about what had happened. The book author made clear that saying you’re sorry and apologizing are two very different things. This let me see that said lady was sorry things hadn’t worked out as she had expected; she wasn’t sorry that she was the cause of it. I handed her a rather scathing letter to that effect, having learned by experience it is better when a relationship ends clearly and definitively (dragging on is the pits — better to get it out and over and start anew).
I’d like to invite you all to discover what my book, Bad Girls: Why Men Love Them & How Good Girls Can Learn Their Secrets, is all about. The bait and switch technique is just one example of tactics bad girls use. I didn’t make the universe of dating and romance the way it is, I simply interviewed over 100 men about their bad girl experiences and added my years of experience as a psychiatrist to the mix to analyze what makes bad girls tick and why men are attracted to them. I don’t advocate becoming bad, but rather simply learning the bad girl secrets to a man’s heart. Once he’s nibbled at the bait, you can begin to show what a good heart you have underneath the alluring package. Check out http://www.badgirlsbook.com and see that there’s a lot more to the mating dance these days. I wrote Bad Girls to help men and women find the love they deserve in this increasingly wild dating jungle.
Thank you for stopping by and inviting us to learn more about your book. I must say – the visuals and marketing messages on your site (referenced) are certainly appealing to a certain crowd, and entertaining to ponder. However – the Gold-Digger? The Sexual Withholder? The Husband Stealer?
These are hardly the lessons I want to live by, the lessons I would want for the women my sons will someday chase (or be hurt by?), the lessons I would want for the daughters of my friends (to learn and utilize). As for the dynamics of using one’s sex appeal – I’m all for it, I’m all for erotic play and mutually appreciated sensuality. But I don’t believe the “good heart” is for revealing after the man has nibbled at the bait. I think men are better than that. I think they deserve more. I think we – the women – should be full, sexual beings and enjoy it, and not pretend to be what we aren’t. Bait-and-switch is my idea of fraud in marketing. And in my opinion, holds worse consequences in relationship.
Please stop back and enjoy the conversation anytime. Always looking for a lively discussion, and I do believe that women could do with more playfulness in their attitudes these days – in bed and before we ever get there.
Totally agree on the authenticity front. Yes, there is play (and in sex, there can be fun role-play), but in the day to day, don’t you want to be with someone who is real?
I couldn’t agree more, Janet. “Real” wins the day for me. (I only wish more men and women would “expand” the real they’re willing to explore.)
Reality and honesty are sexy.
Oh, I couldn’t agree more, notasoccermom. Reality and honesty are sexy!
This is why women who don’t want to play the game get screwed. If they don’t play by men’s rules, they lose. Why not encourage women to harness their power by seeking out an equal rather than trying to “win” a man?
When I was thirteen or so, my mother warned me about bad girls who had sex with you to get pregnant and trick you into marriage. I waited years for one of those bad girls to show up, but no such luck.
Re WP. Once again, I am looking for a “like” button for Comments.
I’ll just have to figure out how to do that then, Paul… 🙂 Might I know which comment? Wolf’s Ruskin quote?
I’ve been University faculty for more than four decades. What about “bad girl” students and faculty? First, I wouldn’t touch them with a ten foot pole (but I’ve seen it happen with others, very rarely). Always keep my office door ajar with female students.
Older now, but actually got the classic “What can I do to help my grade; I’d do anything to help my grade” from a couple of students decades ago. It might seem laughable, but actually was rather sad for what they were saying about themselves. A male student offered to help paint my lab, or my house. On the other hand (hmmm…) there have been a couple of genuine girl friends (with no relationship to my work), who could hardly wait when they were in my office, to sweep everything off my desk (my books, my papers!!!) and plunk themselves down upon it. Just about gave me a heart attack (with students passing by outside), but it was apparently something they had always wanted to do. Well, takes all types. Yes, you do sit there at your desk, trying to work, wondering if there’s forever an ass print there (or on the floor, or by the lab sink, etc). Every spot has its own story.
That is a whole category, Paul! (Love your stories. Now I’m going to be wondering about ass prints the next time I’m in a classroom… )