In his comment to my recent post on sharing our parenting struggles online, Wolf Pascoe poses himself the question (paraphrased): Have I learned anything about parenting from what I read on the Internet?
His question, which specifically addresses how he raises his son and his relationship with him, derives from my musing on the way we write about our doubts, concerns, and overall experience as parents.
Wolf concludes that he has learned nothing in his reading.
My perspective is the opposite. I’ve learned a great deal.
Now keep in mind that Wolf is addressing a fairly restrictive premise. Yet not only would I say that I’ve gained parenting skills from my online activities, I would answer an immediate yes if asked about the Internet in general, including the many sites I visit regularly.
The fact is – I am more aware as a result of reading and writing on the web.
I am also less alone.
Internet Communities
I wrote this letter “to the strangers who read me” nearly two years ago – and its sentiments remain as heartfelt today as when I penned them. As a single mother, largely a solo mother, not only does my reading on the web assist me, but the process of expressing my thoughts is critical to my own discoveries. Given that I am in a solitary profession (writing), the exchange of ideas is even more important.
- I examine my motives and behaviors as I type them out.
- I stumble over additional options that I wouldn’t have considered otherwise.
- I listen to your stories and suggestions, which may alter my position.
And just as vital – arguably more – I feel connected to a larger community of women, of parents, of workers in a troubled economy, of the “midlife” crowd, and of post-divorce men and women seeking relationships in a harried, gender-confused world – generously sharing information.
The bonus? I’m connected to a fluid and expanding community of outstanding writers, as well as readers whose feedback and caring are both reassuring and instructive.
But that’s my experience.
Life Skills Through Virtual Means?
I’d be interested to know your take on this topic. Pose yourself the same questions that Wolf has. Have you learned anything about parenting your children from the web? Has it affected your relationship with them?
Now expand your context to include the workplace, your extended family, your spouse or partner, your ex-spouse or partner, your approach to dating and relationships, your aging parents, your own aging.
Have you given or taken marital advice? Parenting advice? Have you gained life skills or shifted your viewpoint?
What do you think?
- Can the Internet make you a better parent?
- Is it the reading, the writing, or the comments that help?
- Is it the ongoing relationships that develop?
- Can the Internet make you a better spouse?
- Do you take online advice or offer it?
- How important are your Internet communities to you?
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Often reading other’s stories reminds me of who I want to be, what matters, what doesn’t. In moments with little ones, sometimes you need reminders that they are fleeting and impermanent.
I’ve met one fellow blogger, but even without face to face time, the words we share make me feel less alone.
The points of comparison often help, as you point out, Kate.
I think I’ve met some great resources on the internet. People who challenge me to parent more mindfully, to slow down and really listen to my kids, to step back and let them have more wiggle room. It’s been tremendous, really.
I’m a content resident of Cyberspace.
Hey BLW, I’m with you… and with Wolf Pascoe on this one. I’m with you in the discovery of community and the feeling of being less alone, not only as a parent, or even a parenting writer, but also as a writer. I have learned that others with distinct voices can be read and will also read you, and this sharing is very nourishing and has changed the way I write, and thus the way I experience the world… to some degree.
The internet is basically all of human book knowledge aggregated, so when I want to get a bit of extra information on the Amygdala, or the history of an idea, I am able to find information (perhaps some of it is even true) and so I certainly “learn” things this way.
Yet I also suspect that my kids have truly “learned” nothing from me, nor readers… that ultimately education is more akin to remembering that which is innate, but not always readily accessible. In this way, but not exactly as Wolf Pascoe might frame it, I would agree that I’ve learned nothing from the internet. So, perhaps it’s both and neither… always learning the Zen of our vast and mutual entanglement about which the ego is always thirsting for knowledge, validation, safety, love… and the soul was there all along, sometimes coming back to visit when we tell the truth and are kind to each other.
Finally, I think the Internet is a mirror and we are Narcissi clustered along its virtual banks. We’re enchanted, or disenchanted, until we realize that there’s nothing to learn, and everything to love.
Ah, the irony, Bruce. You may note that in response to Wolf, the one individual I referenced was you.
In all honesty, I have never forgotten your orchid child writing, which truly gave me a new perspective on my younger son. A perspective that helped. A second example which has helped me – “in life” – is the following: giving is the best cure for not having.
And last, but surely not least, one of your writings led me to directly ask one of my teenagers what I could be doing better as his mother. The response – and subsequent discussion – were nothing like what I anticipated and led to a whole other set of issues (and opportunities) to air certain topics, some of which I then wrote about. (Incidentally, while I was unable to resolve the issues, I’m convinced that knowing about them was a positive.)
The fact that I was so off base on what was concerning to him taught me that I was making assumptions (though I try not to), and that regular open-ended questions are helpful in parenting – preferably accompanied by copious amounts of food. 🙂
OMG. Hoisted by my own petard!
Big Little Wolf is right, of course. We learn many things from the Internet, and the community (such as my unexpected friendship with her) is worth more than the price of rubies.
In my defense, however, I must point out a critical phrase which was part of my original question (italics added): “…have I learned or read anything on the Internet that has changed how I raise my son, or that has affected my relationship with him?”
It is this question that I answered “no” to. The key word is change. I’ve read much that has entertained, provoked, or consoled me. But changed how I raise my son? I’m just not sure.
And I see I must add a further qualifier now that I’m under a microscope, because when I said “Internet” I really meant “web.” (The best personal advice I got on the Internet was from BLW herself, but it came in an email.)
Perhaps I was only making a point about the web’s signal to noise ratio, which I’ve found astronomical. Which brings me to another question I wrestle with: does the Internet improve on solitude?
More dilemmas, Wolf-to-Wolf!
What on earth could I have said in an email that was instructive? (Happy for a weary-foggy lack of recollection at the moment… )
I hear what you’re saying about changing the way you raise your son (and your relationship). In all honesty, the Bruce-references I just commented on – for me – did just that.
And yes to the noise ratio – absolutely! And yes to an intriguing question with no easy answer – one worth asking – Does the Internet improve on solitude? From me, that gets a resounding yes and no. It exacerbates it, and eases it.
For you? For others?
I don’t know how old either of these Wolves are, but when I was raising my kids, the Internet was just in its infancy. Times change.
We can’t help but be shaped by our environment. If you spend 8 to 10 hours a day playing “Worlds of War”, it will change your relationship with those you love, be it kids or significant other. (Yes, there is a back story to that observation. But that will be saved for later.)
If everyone wrote as well and wisely as you and Bruce, then the Internet would approach solitude in value. But of course everyone does not. (Am I a complete snob? Very well then, I am a snob.) Do I practice what I preach? I do not. I read and I read, hoping to find the next Big Little Wolf and Bruce Dolin.
As to that email, it said this: “If you are not treating your spouse at least as well as you would treat your best friend, change your attitude and your habits.” That comment went on a Post-It and is now attached to our dressing room mirror. My wife and I read it every day.
I agree with BLW and I also believe that what I’ve gained (from some, but of course, not all web sources) has changed my relationship with my daughters for the better. But, of course, this is way too good blog fodder to leave it all in a comment! Thanks for the inspiration, Wolves!
Wow! I love your letter to ‘the strangers who read you’. I imagine we (bloggers and writers) all feel that way at some point. Whether we garner advice or actually use that advice from the web is not necessarily what brings us back. I feel it is a sense of community. A community like no other. Plucking from all over the world those very virtual friends who can relate to whatever need or emotion it is we are looking to feed.
Of course there are those of you, such as ‘the wolf’s’ who may be able to put things more eloquently than the rest of us. But just knowing that when we are frustrated with a child’s behavior, a job loss, a parent’s passing or perhaps even a proud event to share… our virtual family is there. They know us. They know us sometimes a little more intimately than some in our real world. Our vulnerable and soft belly opened to them and we are not scared, but rather itching to see their words of encouragement, understanding, empathy and excitement. Faceless, nameless and yet we have each others’ back.
I have learned and shared so many things regarding my difficulties raising my kids (who were nearly adults by the time I logged on to the blog-o-sphere) with issues that are not always easy to discuss with my friends with a face. In the real world one may sometimes feel as though they are not a good mother, not as good as others make it seem. In the virtual world there is rarely judgment and often great ideas and advice.
Food for thought. I have a lot to digest today regarding both yours, and Pascoe’s words.
I’ve learned a great deal from the internet. It is a place for opinions, conversations, and an exchange of ideas. The back and forth offers me insights on how to become a better parent & person.