Apparently, all Americans over the age of 45 are Republicans. What! You didn’t get the memo?
But there’s data! Data and a bit of extrapolation on my part. Now tell me. Are you over 45 years old? You must be a Republican, right? And are you planning on taking your children to a parade tomorrow?
You thought sparklers were the only hazard you had to worry about?
Well forewarned is forearmed. Best take the kids only if you want to increase the likelihood that they will become card-carrying (and contributing) members of the Republican Party!
This morning I read a nifty piece from Time.com’s feed reporting that young children who attend Fourth of July parades are more likely to become Republicans. Moreover, the assertion was backed up by research from Harvard. Now who would argue with that?
Well, clearly, I might. Since most of us who are 45 or older were gleefully glued to the fanfare of Independence Day parades and ensuing festivities – waving flags, eating hot dogs, applauding as our military and veterans marched by along with local high school bands, drum majorettes, and any number of amiable organizations.
So – given that missing an Independence Day parade would be like going a year without peanut butter and jelly, can’t we conclude that all Americans over 45 are Republicans?
Now, now. Don’t find me unpatriotic. I’m as respectful of my country as the next mother, but what could they have used as a sample size? A control group? Was there participation of Swiss citizenry residing in Wisconsin for purposes of neutrality? How might this research correspond to quality of life measures in, say… Danish or Norwegian children who grow up with higher marks in the work-life balance department?
Don’t Scandinavians watch parades? Eat sticky sweet goodies? Receive exposure to political symbols?
Lest you think I am making this up, may I quote from the article? Researchers found that:
kids who attended one rain-free July 4th celebration before the age of 18 were four percent more likely to vote Republican before the age of 40.
Four percent! Imagine that! (Hmm. Might the margin of error have been five percent? Might one wonder who funds this sort of Harvard study? Taxpayers? Alums? And was rain a Democratic ruse to skew results so they weren’t more definitive?)
I admit – I am concerned, given that both my children have enjoyed many more than a single parade or patriotic gathering in July. Were we entitled to Parade Disclaimers?
- These fireworks not intended to sway your political persuasion. Please pick up stuffed toy elephants upon exit.
- Overexposure to political symbols may cause slight leaning to the right.
And when it comes to long-term impacts, must we post warnings of another sort?
- Current results are not an indicator of future performance.
- Side effects may include but are not limited to impaired vision, political insensitivity, and intermittent loss of cognitive functions.
Not to worry – all you Democratic and Independent parents out there who still wish to enjoy the fireworks and family get-togethers along Main Street. I also have it on good authority from undisclosed sources – apologies, but I cannot reveal their names due to journalistic integrity – it seems that Canadian laboratory rats used in this study have defected to parts Southwest, including Area 51.