We all know that Arnold Schwarzenegger and John Edwards are dads. Has “Stand by your man” taken a new twist on the political stage, and come to be expressed as stand by your Dad?
This recent brief by Julie Moos got me to wondering about adversity, and adult (or teenage) children of political families, who stick by their parents through very rough times. We certainly have plenty of examples, not the least of which is Cate Edwards, daughter of John Edwards, standing by her father as he faces felony charges related to his much publicized affair.
It’s hard not to admire the character of this young woman who is now 29 years old.
But when should a child be expected to stand by his parents? At what age or in what circumstances is this too much to expect of any child?
The Moos article makes no reference to the Schwarzenegger children (to my relief). However, it does reference Chelsea Clinton in a show of solidarity with her mother, following the revelations about President Clinton and Monica Lewinsky.
That’s considerable bravery on the part of a teenager, though I can only imagine that a child of a political couple would find it both expected and even “normal.” Their normal, at the very least.
And don’t all children (generally) feel love toward their parents, however young they may be when they find them (us?) to be very flawed?
I must say – reading about Cate Edwards in the New York Times was illuminating. She’s apparently been the “glue” in the Edwards family for years, according to the article.
What about other examples? Those who are not in the spotlight or scenarios that may involve other sorts of scandal and the stresses of a life scrutinized by the legal process or the press?
There are other sorts of support, of course.
There are children and teenagers who help their parents through illness or addiction. I daresay this doesn’t make for an ideal childhood, but it certainly can engender compassion, strength, and resourcefulness. It can also breed resentment and bitterness.
There are adult children who take on financial obligations for their parents, assisting when adversity hits those who raised them. And of course, thinking of the Sandwich Generation – which some estimate at 13% of Americans aged 41 – 59 – daily life involves raising children and caring for elders, juggling tremendous burdens in order to do what is right (or expected) for their parents. Even more difficult when the Baby Boomers trying to meet these obligations are single parents themselves.
As an adult child of divorce, I know that I loved both my parents. I will say, however, that the reasons for the divorce between my parents had nothing to do with me. I was well aware that the problem sat squarely with their own incompatibilities – in everything.
And if one or the other parent had been in the public eye, and involved in a scandal?
I realize I may be comparing apples to oranges here; I’ve culled scenarios from political life that involve very public (and disrespectful) infidelities, from private life that may deal with painful personal problems, and concerns that are largely financial and logistical. But I like to think I would have stood by my father or mother because it seems right to do so, yet I know that I took distance from my mother in order to survive her toxic tendencies.
Ironically, as a parent, I’m convinced I would support my children through anything – anywhere, anytime. As a single mother, it is precisely what I have done these many years – at considerable personal cost, yet with no regrets.
What about you? Would you stand by your parents – or your children – through anything?
© D A Wolf
This is a tough one. My children, absolutely yes, through anything. My parents, well that is a work in progress. They are in their 80’s and I confess I harbor resentments. As they get older, more skeletons come out of their closets and I am slowly processing each one.
It’s terribly difficult facing our parents’ flaws, even as adults. I hope this gets a little easier for you, Linda.
That’s a heavy question, BLW. I think it’s a case-by-case thing for me. (And I haven’t walked yet on my parents, though their problems occasionally drive me to the point of wordless screaming into pillows.) When you have only a single family of origin, it is hard to turn away completely, even when problems within it that don’t really have anything to do with you make family life feel unbearable. I often think that the people who happen to be my family members are nothing like the people I choose to have as friends. That my family and I are intimate (in the familial sense) or, rather, entwined as much as we are, says something about the ties that bind, I suppose. It’s a closeness that cuts both ways.
Thank you for sharing, CT. As you so lucidly clarify, the issue isn’t cut and dry at all, as we don’t choose our family.
I think the Cate Edwards example is an interesting one. I don’t know all that much about the Edwards family, but from what I understand, she is the primary mother figure for her two younger siblings. And given that John is the only parent they have left, for her to take a stand against her father would likely only make things even worse for the kids. Given what John did to Elizabeth, I can’t imagine that Cate’s relationship with her father is anything but enormously complex. What she puts forth in the media is surely an oversimplified version of herself that she feels stirs up the least amount of dust for a family that’s already been through far too much turmoil. In her case I suspect and hope that her solidarity with her father is actually solidarity with her brother and sister.
As for me, I don’t know what I’d do. Obviously the particular circumstances would be hugely influential. Since both my sister and I are grown I think/hope I’d feel the freedom to make whatever choice I felt was right, without too many other obligations getting in the way. That said, they’re my parents and I have great relationships with each of them. It would be hard to totally walk away from either one at this point, unless something really horrible was done.
That’s tough and I think a case by case is the best way to handle it and it depends on the situation.
My parents divorced and my mother has since long remarried. My father had a lot of affairs during their relationship and I would guess that is why they broke up. I tried not to let their issues be our issues. My father’s and I relationship was the same as it after the affair as it was before the affair. So I tried to stay out of their business and just focus on the daughter-father part. They never tried to put me in the middle either so that helped. They believed children shouldn’t have to pick or stand beside either as the relationship is independent of their relationship.
But again, it’s different for everyone.
“What about you? Would you stand by your parents – or your children – through anything?” I’ll take this question at face value.
NO.
It’s not good for them, it’s not good for us, and it’s not good for others. Of course, in practice we all (including moi, believe it or not) can go a little soft. I am a strong believer in forgiveness, but that is not related to ignoring issues or not speaking the truth. I do not give up on them, but I let them know when we disagree on significant matters. To me, that can be an act of love.
I certainly agree that the equation changes as children grow into adults, Paul. What some might term “tough love” seems to me to be assessing a situation from another (older, wiser?) viewpoint, and realizing that short-term pain may yield long-term gain of skills and strength.
I notice that you say: I do not give up on them, but I let them know when we disagree on significant matters. To me, that can be an act of love.
Beautifully stated.
I know deep down in my heart if I am ever divorced, I will be one of those immature parents that want their children to choose sides. All the more reason for me to try and make this whatever it is work.
Being the glue in a marriage sounds like an awful burden for a kid, doesn’t it?
The glue in a marriage does sound unfair to expect of a child, yes. I wonder how many play that role, and we just never hear about it.