Summer is here and classes are over! Well, for most of us that is. We’ve got school-aged kids revving up for camp or neighborhood play, vacations in the works, and likely a list of activities awaiting.
Then again, we may have teenagers milling about – snatching up the car keys, leaving a trail of dirty socks, and emptying the fridge (no matter how often we fill it). They’re noisily (and hungrily) unwinding after a long year (we’re taking refuge in a good martini), or maybe they’re beginning summer jobs in offices, on construction crews, at the local fast food restaurant, or doing yard work down the street.
If we have kids, we’re on the hook and off the hook, in varying ways. Some of us with more time to ourselves, some with less, and others – well, we’re simply shifting the duties of what we do and how we do it, realizing there’s rarely a break at all. More expectations? Yes indeed.
More martinis?
If we’re lucky.
So where’s the PTA when we need them? The Parent Teacher Association to serve as conduit between learning and parenting? A facilitator? A helping hand?
Parent as Teacher
I wasn’t active in the Parent Teacher Association when my sons were younger. I paid my $10 or $20 when required, attended a few meetings here and there, but I guess I’m not much of a joiner. I preferred to see a need and try to fill it – sometimes with volunteering, donation of specific items, or lending my organizational skills to specific fundraisers.
Yet aren’t we all part of a parent teacher association of another sort – as parents, in the role of teacher to our children, and even their friends?
Don’t we teach through touch when our babies are infants? Don’t we provide answers to All Things Asked, from the time our little ones can question? Then serving as Guide to Possible Solutions, when baffling problems present themselves as our sons and daughters mature? Don’t we own the responsibility for teaching fundamental life skills, and do it all the time – without realizing?
And language is a vital part of this picture, even as we model behaviors with actions and equally, with silence; with our decisions to leave choices up to them; with our encouraging words when they don’t want to talk, but we know they need to.
And we explicitly select parenting styles or allow them to evolve. We raise kids to become themselves – some more free-range than others, but always – teaching:
- Love and boundaries
- Respect and manners
- Communicating clearly
- Winning and losing
- Playing “nicely” and making friends
- Appropriate yes and appropriate no
- Responsibility and accountability
- And so much more – to do with our value systems, our family culture, our environment
By the time kids are teenagers we may think we’re done – and for the fundamentals, hopefully, we are. But knowing that the adolescent brain is forming (and a little crazed), aren’t there always things that didn’t sink in? More to explain? More to offer?
Life Skills to Go (Before I Sleep)
As I listen to my boys laugh over dinner (in deep voices that still startle), I think about what remains to be addressed in my personal parent teacher association.
Pressing and stressing: Might I give my sons a taste of me – relaxing a little bit? And why not? I talk a good game about them enjoying their achievements, but I’ve offered a lousy example. They’ve watched me stress and press through the days and nights for years – typical single parent story. Yet I know they bear guilt as a result that was never theirs to carry.
Money matters: My elder son has an excellent grasp of money and its handling. He works two part time jobs while in college and manages on very small sums, and rather creatively. But my younger? Not the case. There’s work to be done in this area.
Sex, drugs, and rock ‘n roll: I have older teens; to some extent this is a “been there, done that.” And yet, what parent of an adolescent at any age doesn’t still have issues on this one? And my own concerns have always centered on responsible behavior (health and safety), appealing to their common sense. (Am I delusional?)
Safety, Perspective: Might we remember that teenagers (especially) believe they’re immortal, that nothing terrible will happen to them, and often dismiss “rules” when we try to enforce them in too strident a fashion? Just my two cents, but let’s just say that vigilance and reasonableness go hand in hand. (A little prayer to the gods of your choice doesn’t hurt either!)
Driving: Speaking of whispering to the gods, may I say we still have work to do in this arena? I’m not quite there yet with my younger son. Oh my aching back, my frayed nerves, my silvering hair. We have highway driving and “anticipating the other guy” to deal with. Oh my aching back, my frayed nerves, my silvering hair…
Organization, Planning: There’s always more to teach when it comes to organization and planning – setting goals, following through, the importance of details when it comes to interdependent tasks. Time management and the consequences of being late. (Plenty of room for improvement here.)
Losing things: This one is tough. We’ve had lost wallets, lost keys, lost cell phones, more lost keys, lost schoolwork, more lost keys. Some people lose things more than others. I’ve tried to explain the impacts (no money to replace these items, not to mention incredible inconvenience to others – hello life lesson – don’t inconvenience others!) – but we’re still at it.
Parenting Ourselves?
What else?
I taught my elder to sew. He can darn his torn jeans, and does.
I taught my younger to cook. He can make a mean omelet, but did I teach him how to boil an egg?
Oh, there are many more skills to teach and I’m sure I’ve missed more than I care to imagine. As a single mother in particular, I wish I could have given them the example of a loving couple – a man and woman who are openly affectionate, who negotiate differences, who stand firm in honoring their commitment to family – and to them.
But rather than focusing on what I haven’t provided and what I couldn’t control, I will choose to redirect my efforts to what remains to be done that I can accomplish – many in the realm of practical skills to be refined through experience.
Perhaps I should circle back to the first subject that came to mind – providing a mother who is less stressed, who can take a breath, knows when to retire to the tub with a steaming cup of coffee.
Locking the door. Leaving the kids to their laughter, to their mischief. To each other.
Perhaps I should parent myself in that manner, and in so doing, parent my sons, by example.
- Do you know what skills or knowledge you’d like your children to acquire this summer?
- Do you see what they’re learning through (the simple) act of making their own choices and bearing consequences, through free play, through dealing with losing as well as winning, managing frustration, learning a balance of work and play?
- What do you help with most? How do you divide up the parental teaching tasks?
- What are your kids teaching you?
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Linda says
June 14th is the magical day in our house this year. Right now daughter is knee deep in last minute projects, testing for AP classes, and getting ready for finals. I actually went in her room last night for a hug because it had been hours since I had seen her.
This summer I would like my children to learn to be more independent. I struggle with this because I am the type of person that will just do it instead of teach. I must learn to step back and teach them to dust, vacuum, sort and do laundry and have respect for their personal space. The days of me swooping in and cleaning are numbered.
With my son I am learning patience, and trying to help him manage his own pre-teen/puberty frustration.
I had to chuckle at your “Am I delusional” comment. And driving, let’s just say my daughter inherited my lead foot. This is not good.
Martini, yep, I’ll join you! 🙂
BigLittleWolf says
And I’m chuckling at your response, too. Oh, the driving lessons! The driving thing scares me (almost) more than anything else. Yes, delusional. I’m sure. (And hoping my kids notice that I have one martini – sipped slowly – and stop there!)
Kate says
Even with little ones in tow, I am trying to teach those life skills: management of money (right now it’s at the level of knowing our coins), cooking (okay, learning to flip a pancake counts, right?), sewing (kind of), how to treat others (starting with your sister), how to take care of yourself (using the potty!), a sense of adventure, a love of learning (hooray for learning to read!), but I often forget to be a model of how to relax, and take care of myself.
BigLittleWolf says
What a wonderful list, Kate. (Why is it so hard for mothers to take care of themselves?)
April says
That’s what I love about the mommy blogosphere; well, the internets in general. It allows us to create these communities, learn from others, and our knowledge is expanded by the fact that our kids aren’t in the same schools/cities/countries. I consider the association I have with you and the others out here in cyberspace my most fave PTA!
BigLittleWolf says
A virtual PTA! I’m with you on that one, April.
LisaF says
As the good book says, Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6) The key words here are “when he is OLD”! We do the best we can with what we’ve got and pray most of it will stick as they mature. Martini, Mojito, Margarita…Merlot, Malbec…any of them will do in the interim. 🙂 My twenty-something daughters are showing marked signs of improved common sense, but they are still works in progress!
BigLittleWolf says
All those marvelous “M” words, Lisa! May we Mature into our Martinis, Mojitos, Margaritas, Merlot, and Malbec – all in Moderation of course, and able to see that we planted good seeds, and they’re growing strong.
bleu says
Today was the last day of school; I was sooo happy. I am relieved to finally have a break. We are going to hang out for a couple of weeks before heading to my parents for a bit, and then they want to keep DS for a portion of the summer while I work and debrief! It’s been some year.
I am working on lots with DS, since he is on the spectrum, teaching takes on a whole new level.
As far as what he is teaching me–there is no such thing as “normal”, for one thing. He also teaches me patience, although I’m probably getting a B- in that subject, striving for an A. And he has been teaching me how to be a kid again. Being single parent to an active only child, keeps me busy; we play all the time.
Andrea @ Shameless Agitator says
Things are different at our house this summer. Both girls have summer jobs, both for the first time. I used to fret about them laying around all summer watching stupid tv shows all day. Now they are both out of the house by 8:15 am and return by 5:00 pm. My summer solitude is unfamiliar…
Tina says
Our last day of school was June 14th as well…well, I should say my kids’ last day. I teach high school English and was fortunate to be finished on the 9th!
Orthodontist appt. for Thing 2 was the 1st day out with the news of expensive devices being attached to his 14 yr. old mouth, just two months after finishing up with Thing 1’s expensive orthodontia! A trip to the beach the next day was what was on the agenda to soothe this single mom’s financial nerves. Packed a picnic style lunch, loaded up both of my kids and one of their friends and drove the 2.5 hrs. to hit the shoreline.
A week later, and one of the reason for the overly frazzled nerves about the expenses of Thing 2’s teeth, Thing 1 and I went to SoCal on college visits…we live in PA…a mighty distance away… Thing 1 will be a senior next year and is very much so, I’m proud to say, an ambitious pursuer of a future in “the industry” as either a director or screenwriter, most likely both. So, the beauty of this visit (the first time for either of us to LA-LA Land) was that we shared it together and are both incredibly excited to see if that all so coveted “fat envelope” arrives from one place in particular next spring. That said, I fear too.
What are my kids learning from this summer? How to juggle stresses, how to put the peddle to the grindstone, how to “make it work”, because all of what I’m going through this summer with financial stresses are good stresses because I know that, in the end, what my kids are learning this summer is how much I love them!
BigLittleWolf says
Oh so busy, the summertime… but still, there are ways to make it more relaxed for our kids – and ourselves – even on those college visits. (Take a deep breath, and you and Thing 1 will do it!)
And your last mention – how much you love your kids – that one is huge. Hope all of you get a little breather this weekend!