I know several women who have recently given birth, and others who are expecting babies. I couldn’t be more delighted for them. In each case, they are mothers (already), and devoted ones at that.
Babies are always happy news. Giving life is an incredible experience, and parenting – filled with wonder. But the realities of raising children include financial aspects we often ignore – money issues that we assume we’ll somehow manage, telling ourselves “doesn’t everyone?”
And to some degree, we do indeed manage – however we can, as best we can – just as our parents did, and our grandparents before them. But let’s face facts. The world has changed. Its pace, its complexity, and certainly – our expectations.
Depending upon your age, daily life looks remarkably different than it did for your parents. Expectations have exploded when it comes to what some of us think we can (or should) provide to our children.
So what does this do to our family budgets? To the strain on our schedules that are already overloaded for many of us – between one or more jobs (or looking for work), seeking or sustaining a relationship (or marriage), and the responsibilities of parenting?
What about those $4.19 / gallon gas prices I slowed to see this morning, after dropping my son at school? What about my grimace as I grocery shopped, realizing that the cost for commodity food items is up again, as I deferred the Exxon station for one more day, even as the gauge nudges its indicator closer to Empty?
The Cost of Raising Children
If someone had told me the estimated cost of raising a child when I became a mother, I wouldn’t have believed it. When I was pregnant tin the 1990s – married and employed – I would have shrugged off the number, deemed it an exaggeration, and told myself (like you?) – “There are two of us, and we’ll manage.”
Ten years after marital meltdown, not only do I believe the figure ($222,360, not counting college, based on 2010 data), I’m convinced it’s an underestimation. I know the expenditures of the past decade; I’ve tracked them by categories. Moreover, I carry a running list of budget items in my ever-occupied analytical brain.
No, I don’t live a luxurious lifestyle. Yes, I am older, divorced, and have borne the lion’s share of the parenting duties and costs.
No, I’m not on the street. Yes, I do worry about it. (Probably like some of you. How many of us are one health issue or pink slip away?)
This week I’ve read a number of things on the web that have caught my eye, related to the issues I’m addressing here. For one, there was the article on What Women Over 50 Fear Most which appeared on the Huffington Post, and surprise surprise – it was about having enough money to survive. The flood of comments (from both men and women) certainly supports the fact that this is a common fear – not solely for women, nor those in middle age.
The reactions are interesting. Might I share a sampling of the assumptions?
- Anyone out of work simply isn’t looking
- Anyone out of work isn’t willing to take something they don’t want to do
- The notions of overqualified and age discrimination are exaggerated
- Those without retirement or savings are living above their means.
Among the counterpoints and arguments:
- Unexpected illness will wipe out any savings at any time
- Corporations have long known how to get around age discrimination
- Divorce debt, lack of child support, and age compound the problem for women
- Both men and women want to work
Yet overwhelmingly, the outpouring of responses indicates the same fears over finances: worry over insufficient funds for the basics, discouragement over trying to find work, knowledge that “retirement” will be impossible, aging into an unknown state of affairs.
Women, Work, Assumptions and Statistics
Some question the statistics provided by the federal government. I’m always skeptical of data, myself, so I understand being cautious when it comes to interpretations of trends and populations. But the Bureau of Labor Statistics is filled with fascinating tidbits. It’s weighty to get through, not easy to decipher, and you can draw your own conclusions. But I spent several hours pouring over tables and reports a few days ago. And over and over, in sector after sector, what I saw were numbers that give credence to our ongoing recessionary crisis.
Yes, men are out of work, and from every chart I looked at – women, disproportionately so – and even the BLS reports that women continue to earn (20 to 25%) less for comparable work.
Yes, you can read data many ways. No, I’m not a statistician. So I invite you to peruse the BLS charts yourself. I’d love to hear your interpretation.
The bottom line may be – for you – that all of this is so much gibberish – figures neatly tracked and graphed, and not applicable to your life. So I would challenge you to put a face on the problem. Make it your neighbor, your child’s middle-aged babysitter, or the weary cashier at your local supermarket.
Make it your sister. Your mother.
Or yourself – in a few years.
No Babies, Big Boys
Last week I spoke to my older son and asked when he’d be home from college. He gave me the date, and I asked how long he would be staying. I thought the answer might be a week or two; when he responded by saying one month, what tumbled out of my mouth was something to the effect of: Oh God. I can’t afford to feed you.
Behind that unedited remark sits years of fear, awareness of my financial situation, and the reality that I’m looking at two teenage boys to feed – one for a month, and the other, until fall.
As soon as I said it, I felt terrible and tried to recover. But in the past few days I’ve done something more.
In place of the hand-drawn grids and lists that were taped to our fridge for months – those used to track due dates for college applications, financial aid and other forms, I have a new list for food expenditures. The columns are labeled simply: date, location, payment method (cash versus credit), amount, and comments.
Today? I had to shop for two teens, and I did so on credit. My elder son is due home shortly. Under “Comments” I jotted down the fact that I bought no fruit and no meat. I penned the amount and the credit card. I need my sons to see that the situation is real. I need them invested in my survival – with me.
My hope is that they will not absorb my worry, but rather, they will help any way they can as we tighten our belts even more.
Single Parent Guilt
Thankfully, my most difficult days of single parent guilt are behind me. I can look at my sons and know I did my best. I can look at them and see there will be scars. But generally speaking, they’re strong and decent young men. I will have launched them reasonably well, and the rest will be up to them.
But the guilt remains. And it’s not what you might expect.
It’s guilt that I wasn’t clever enough to fight (and win) in the family court system, that I wasn’t cagey enough to assure the rightful financial support they should have had. That I was in denial for so many years about my marriage, and worse – that I listened to those who said “Oh you’ll be fine” or “Just make yourself successful in spite of your ex,” and I would give myself another pep talk, and keep trying to do just that. Working harder, sleeping less, sacrificing my health too often, and falling farther behind.
Life isn’t a fairy tale. We persevere through the unexpected, especially when there are children, but we don’t necessarily secure the stable job that covers the bills and furnishes benefits, the miracle second spouse with money to burn, or a peaceful path without injury or illness.
I would also offer this: The lesson that it is acceptable for one parent to absolve himself of responsibility for shared children is a bad lesson. The lesson that it is acceptable to pick and choose those aspects of parental responsibility that “suit” is a bad lesson. These behaviors are dreadful for our sons and daughters, and detrimental to the fabric of our national consciousness.
Victims, Victors, Entitlement, Grassroots Efforts
I am not a victim; I am a survivor. But I have been the victim of damaging, dysfunctional social and institutional systems – along with millions of other men and women.
I am victorious in what I have accomplished. To me, that includes retaining my sense of who I am, continuing to develop skills, staying open and curious, and parenting well. My sons, I hope, will become good men.
Entitlement is a contemporary problem which requires thorough discussion – something for another day, except to suggest that it serves none of us when applied to material things.
- Child support is not entitlement. It is parental responsibility.
- A paying job is not entitlement. It is work that we expect to contribute in our prime and middle-age; we have earned the right to work, we want to work, our skills are needed. Regardless of sex.
- Basic civil rights? Basic human rights? In a country like ours – with so much promise – education and health care are basic human rights in my book. But in practice? We know better. And isn’t it time we begin to change this picture?
At the very least, shouldn’t we speak our minds, write our minds, listen with open minds, and be sure to vote? Shouldn’t we look for grassroots opportunities to grow our businesses and hire more people, to help our neighbors with a measure of humility, to put a face on our challenges and admit that they are real?
Yes. Thanks for your insight. I’m going to share it at California Jump$tart so more people will benefit by your ability to put it into words…
Here’s to more money, more love and taking the moments to appreciate the small things and progress…
Thank you, Jim. I believe there are things we can all do – for each other – if we just look around and take a few minutes. And thank you for sharing! Best.
Yep, had to do some things in the past few days that granted aren’t the “smart” thing to do financially, but it was all about the kids. I’ve at least reached the point where I don’t feel guilty about that.
Having said that, I’m also trying to get the girls more involved in the finances. Interestingly, my 10-year-old is much more willing to engage than my 13-year-old! And like you, I’m not doing it so they feel guilty. I consider it part of my responsibility as their parent to start preparing them for the realities of supporting oneself – and a family.
I think it’s great that you’re doing this now, April. When I taped that list up to the fridge today, all I could think was Why didn’t I do this 5 years ago? But I know the answer to that. Things have been so shaky on so many fronts for so long, I was always trying to minimize the worry for the kids. But I think they’re smarter than I gave them credit for. I think I could have quantified more, in writing, and enlisted their support through something simple like this.
So bravo for doing whatever you can. I think your girls are at the perfect age to help, to learn, and to feel part of the Family Financial Team.
Wow… Despite it’s length (I’m a lazy reader) you had me hooked through the whole thing.
You show great strength and courage, not just in your life but in your writing as well. I applaud you. Very well done.
I look forward to more.
Best of luck
Jack
Thank you, Jack. And welcome. I hope you stop by often. Plenty of discussion around here – on everything!
Yes, yes, yes to all of it! At 16 I was told by my parents that while they will provide shelter, any “extras” i.e. food, shampoo, clothes, would have to be bought by me. I went out and got my first job and haven’t stopped since. When I had children of my own I vowed not to put the burden of money on them, they should enjoy being children and not worry. Yet, with a 16 year old with eyes at Northern California colleges and a 13 year old that likes video games, I find myself having conversations about money with them and being honest about finances. It’s a slow process, but in the end I hope works. The other day, after sport practices and other activities, the kids were hungry and the easiest thing would have been to go to the local drive thru and pick up a quick meal. Both kids chimed in and said to make sandwiches at home.
All I can say, Linda – is kudos for starting them at an age when it can really make a difference. And as for bypassing the fast food, my hat is off to you – and to them. Teaching kids about money, in my opinion, is one of the most challenging things there is, complicated when you go through periods of unemployment or lack of child support. It’s still possible, however, and I think those conversations are a huge part of it.
As for college, if you’ve been reading the past two years (or even the past few months), you’ve seen the long process we’ve gone through in this household. It’s tough on the teenagers, and tough on the parents. With a guess at a few of those “Northern California colleges” under consideration, I know what kind of competition – and money – you need to be worried about. And sometimes keeping your eye on the ball, hard work, and stubborn persistence deliver the prize.
So glad you stopped by to comment. Always happy to see you!
A fair balance was once achieved by natural and expected changes in family support during the respective lifetimes. In return for received support during their childhood, adult children became the support of their parents in old age. Now children are supposed to get an expensive education and then move to wherever the jobs are, and they lose close contact with their parents and are not prepared to give on-site or financial support for their aging parents.
Many good observations in your post today.
Doing what we feel is “right” for children is SO expensive and time-consuming today that the joy of it can become out of balance, so that it can seriously detract from one’s own life. I was fortunate to be able to do a lot for my children single-handedly and THEN still be healthy and able to meet Fran about a decade ago. My kids are happy for me now. One of them particularly knew the difficulties that I was under at the time. I explained, in an adult manner, that we are not meant to suffer unnecessarily and that I was able/responsible to take care of myself and find friends in comparable circumstances.
The Sandwich Generation comes to mind, and as you say, Paul – now, we all go wherever the opportunities may be in order to survive. Often that keeps families very spread apart. The days of one generation taking care of their elders seems to be a thing of the past.
All the more reason to take care of each other, with or without blood ties? Friends, colleagues, students – creating communities we fashion ourselves? I am still a believer in the benefits of the energy that children and young people provide in any environment, and the wisdom of a life well led, offered as example to the younger generations. You and Fran are examples of those who have life experience to share. Just saying…
We are already going through the budget decisions with the 10 year old, who now routinely asks us, “Do we really need to buy this?” I’m happy that he’ll have the financial comprehension that took me forever to gain.
One thing my mother tried to teach me but didn’t really have the time or resources to do well was to support my family and myself on my own. As a single parent, she really wanted us to know how to do it by ourselves if we had to. I guess she wanted to pass down that survival skill. I wish I’d paid better attention.
Thank you for sharing this, Kelly. “Do it by ourselves.” Strange how that goes. I’ve worked (and saved) since I was a kid. I wanted to be able to always provide for myself, because money was very tight growing up. But with marriage and children, some of us anticipate shared income for that process. Like many women, I simply was never able to climb out following divorce. That said, I hope I will have passed on some of the survival skills relative to money. But I fear – not enough.
Would you consider setting up a PayPal account for donations? I too have raised two sons (more or less successfully) and I know what you are going through. I am now financially stable and would love to, at a minimum buy, you and your sons a dinner. Just a thought but please consider it. I love your writing and appreciate you sharing your life with us.
Camla, Thank you for joining the conversation. Other than about two dozen of you, I really have no idea who reads what I write. So your kindness touches me tremendously. And thank you for the good words on my writing.
As the sheer numbers of people who feel economically vulnerable increases, the tide for some sort of real shift in the way we live, and care for, and look out for each other would seem to gather. Thus radical change may become less frightening to people who increasingly see a potential upside in the way we value work, education, health (and health care), time and quality of life. In this race to nowhere we seem to have a lot of people getting injured, left out, left behind and perhaps losing their enthusiasm for running on hamster wheels that make other people rich… and the culture of fear just further isolates one from the other… while the price of meaningless gold skyrockets. Perhaps this is around the time pendulums swing back in a different direction?
Access to adequate health care remains a core issue, Bruce. Until that one is improved in some tangible way, I can’t help but feel that the numbers of “vulnerable” will swell, and our fears, grow.
Marvelous post, BLW. Bravo, Bruce, the problems we face in this culture are deep. Here’s to (to coin a phrase) that pendulum. Lincoln said something that gives me hope: You may fool all the people some of the time, you can even fool some of the people all of the time, but you cannot fool all of the people all the time.