He is certainly an example of an adult who does not need to be liked. Ah… my heart throb, Hugh Laurie, as the brilliant but irascible Dr. House.
What a delicious Saturday night I had. The doctor was in! I got a fabulous fix of one of my favorite fictional characters in all his cutting, quirky, House-like magnificence.
Busy with a tiring task that lasted days and nights, the mini-marathon was exactly the prescription for relaxation that I needed. I hadn’t watched in some time, and in the clarity of seeing new episodes (new to me), I had an epiphany.
House is not likable, and yet he is, in his own acerbic, at times antagonistic way.
We Like Odd Characters; Even They Need to Be Liked
Sometimes we like the most seemingly unlikeable people, generally as we get to know them – or perhaps as we come to know their stories, and put their more challenging behaviors into context as a result.
But what is fascinating to watch on the big or little screen is the portrayal of a character who doesn’t care what others think.
Is House narcissistic? In many ways, yes. Anti-social? That, too. But it remains true that for Dr. House, likability isn’t an issue. How freeing must that be?
As for the rest of us – who doesn’t want to be liked?
- I’m not sure when the need starts.
- I know it’s heightened in adolescence.
- Likability is useful in the workplace.
- It’s faked, when we want something.
The Child Who Needs to Be Liked
For some, the desire to be liked is more than run-of-the-mill anticipation of being accepted or feeling comfortable around others. It’s a matter of need. We need to be liked. We crave it. We feel inferior without it.
I imagine this starts for many in early childhood – through a combination of training (conditioning), the natural need for a parent’s love and attention, and the treatment (positive or not) by others.
Yet it seems to be women who suffer from this need to be liked far more often than men.
Is this another facet of the need to please? Is the conditioning that women receive so culturally pervasive that it’s nearly impossible to shed? Is the fact that this becomes easier as we grow older because we aren’t viewed through the same (sexual, sex object) lens? Isn’t it also a matter of upbringing, of personality, or confidence?
At what point do we cordon off those whose opinions truly matter to us, and those who will never like us – and we get over it and feel good about ourselves?
Cultural Contradictions: Mean vs. Likeable
It’s an odd contradiction – our growing “mean girl” culture, juxtaposed with our continued desire to like and be liked. Hey – we even “like” everything on Facebook, don’t we?
But let’s think about it. How many of us rarely say no – to friends or potential dates? To partners and even children? To neighbors, relatives, to another volunteer drive? Isn’t this due to a need to be liked?
Naturally, it feels good to be liked – to bask in the reflective warmth of what we hope is our personality and self-worth, fully appreciated by those to whom we are important and who are important to us. But that is a key element in the equation – the notion of importance – not only to us, but to others.
I want to be likeable to my children and to their friends because it is important to them – for their feelings, their development, their social lives. That doesn’t mean I would compromise necessary discipline for likeability; as a parent, the former is more critical than the latter. This is just one example of considering likeability – from the point of view of others.
Why Likeability Matters
I want my children and their friends to like me; my children, because I love them; their friends, because relationships run more smoothly when there are no barriers like a disagreeable personality or even subtle intimidation.
I also want to untoward impediments to their experience of feeling likeable. And an unapproachable or unpredictable parent around their friends would be precisely that.
In the workplace, likeability is critical in certain roles – sales, for example. Likeability may be a significant factor if the corporate culture reinforces its importance. Likeability in a manager is a nice-to-have; I would certainly hope for it (and strive for it), but respect, excellence and fairness would rank higher on my personal list.
Please Yourself, But Play Nice
I’m all for playing nice – you already know that. But it’s a little different than actually liking everyone, or expecting to. It’s certainly different from needing others to like you – and not just a special few – but everyone you meet.
I am not writing a script for a daily dose of House-like snappish, arrogant, or dismissive behavior. I have had a few close friends with some of these personality traits; admittedly, the complexity may even hold some appeal. But the most mundane exchanges can become exhausting.
That said, I believe we should reconsider the circumstances of our wishing to be liked, not to mention the time and effort we expend trying to please too many people in too many ways, and far too much of the time.
Do you need to be liked? Does it feel excessive at times? Is it rooted in some soft spot of insecurity? What if you focused on liking yourself – first and foremost?
Image of Hugh Laurie at the 2011 FOX Winter All-Star Party, Villa Sorriso, Pasadena, CA. 01-11-11; Bigstockphoto.
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When I was younger, most definitely! That turned me into a doormat in a few relationships.
We all want to be liked, sure, but there has to be a healthy balance — and certainly liking ourselves first relieves that insecure desperation.
I’m not sure women suffer from that more than men — they have all that bravado they have to muster. It’s just that woman are brought up to be “nice,” which we often struggle with in terms of being “liked.”
@Kat – That doormat thing. Yes, bad news. Thankfully, most of us outgrow that phase!
@Cathy – “Prickly.” I love that word. 🙂
@Kate – you raise a good point – not only our need to be liked, but feeling as though we ought to like everyone (when of course, we can’t!)
@Rudri – “People you like and respect” – it sounds like a smarter plan. (Why is it sometimes harder to execute than other times?)
I definitely want to be liked, but I don’t need to be liked. And I agree that I think that the need to be liked is far greater for women than men. I’m not sure why that is, but I’ll think more on it.
The one caveat is when I get prickly about something – then it’s all principle and I don’t care if people like me or not. It can make for awkward PTA meetings but I just can’t sell myself out for the sake of “likeability”.
When I had my first baby, I found myself often alone in a city where I knew almost no one. We need people. And not just the little bitty crying kinds.
So, I reached out to groups. I joined everything, I invited people to my home. I realized I could make conversation with just about anyone, but some lovely flowing conversations went no where. I could have ten people to my house and never hear from them again. And though it was not always about me, I got a bit of that need to be liked knocked out of me. Along with the need to like everyone. At first it was a little sad, but then it was freeing.
I gave up the need to be liked a long time ago. I won’t lie and say that it is better to be liked than not, but it is too much work. I like who I am. I don’t mind being a bit of a wing nut. I don’t mind telling people that I removed the filter on my mouth and will say what I think.
For the sake of clarity, that doesn’t mean that I always tell people what I think of them. I don’t have time to tell everyone that I love/hate or indifferent to them.
But life is too short to get caught up in some of this stuff. People will like me or they won’t and that is just fine with me.
@Jack – “Life is too short” – true enough. Perhaps that’s part of why it’s a bit easier as we get older. Still, for some, it seems so much easier. What do you think – nature? Nurture?
@Cougel – Love when you drop by! (And your name always makes me hungry, besides.)
I need to be liked by people whom I care about and respect. I’m at a point that I only want to invest in relationships/friendships where there is mutual respect, trust and comfort. It took me some time to embrace this viewpoint. In my twenties, there was that need to be liked by everyone, but I’ve learned that quanitity certainly doesn’t guarantee quality.
rich topic. great post. i think saying NO actually makes people like you more, because you don’t overextend and then risk disappointing people later. when people say yes too quickly, i worry! but in general, i think ever human being on this planet cares what people think of them to some degree (and I’m wary of those who say they don’t give a sh*t). It all depends on whether you let that motivate your behavior or impair your decision making.
Most definitely. Yes, I need to be liked. But I think it used to have a stronger hold of me when I was younger. Now I still want to be liked, but I can let it go much easier with years and experience and a little perspective.
I ask you…much like House, have you ever watched Dexter?! Now there is an oddly likeable person, and a serial killer no less!
Interesting responses (as usual). . . No, I’m not a Dexter woman. But I’ve heard he has that quality as well.
Before he was House, Hugh Laurie played Bertie Wooster in Jeeves and Wooster, the British TV series dramatizing the P.G. Woodhouse characters. The contrast between the two roles is stunning. Bertie was a happily inept twit, protected by his man Jeeves (Stephen Fry.) Like House, Bertie didn’t care what anybody thought of him. Unlike House, Bertie liked people, and they liked him. In its way, Bertie was the subtler and more engaging performance. It was full of joy. When I wish I cared less what people think of me, I never imagine myself more House-like, though I often wish I were more Bertie-like.
Interesting perspective, @Wolf. I’ll have to see if I can dig up Hot Hugh in that role. (I seem to recall he had a small role in some British Jane Austen. Sense and Sensibility maybe?)
@Gandalfe – Now you’ve got me thinking… When we can learn from why someone might not like us, that’s instructive. Hmmm. Pondering that one.
@Wolf. Very nice. Being happily inept might describe over 50% of the world. I shoot for being happily competent and helpful where I can to those who might appreciate that.
I do care what people think of me, especially if it highlights an area I can improve. But I can’t remember in a long a time when someone didn’t like me and it ruined my day. Maybe I’m just lucky?
Yes, it was Sense and Sensibility. He was wonderful in it!
With time I’ve given up some of my need to be liked. It’s a relief, really. It’s a much easier existence knowing that you like yourself and not constantly looking for validation from other people.
The difference about House, though, is that he can be mean. He is manipulative and conniving. There’s a difference between not caring what other people think about you, and not caring about other people in general. Unfortunately, though, I’ve found very few people who don’t care what anyone else thinks of them, but yet still cares for other people. It’s a shame, too. The world could use a few more people like that.
Thanks, Gale! Yes, House can be mean and conniving. Which makes caring for him more treacherous. I wonder how many of us recognize people we know in that character – who hide behind that sort of behavior (as a means to protect themselves?).
I need to be liked. It’s terrible. I feel incomplete when someone doesn’t like me and I wrack my brain trying to figure out why they don’t. I’m getting better but I have a ways to go before I get even remotely close to House.
Ameena – Welcome. Somewhere in that broad spectrum of needing everyone to like us, and seeming to need no one’s approval, there is a happy medium. Even that varies for each of us. I hope with time, you’ll find a way to let go of those who may seem indifferent, and focus on the ones who really matter to you. But it isn’t always easy. Some of us are so conditioned to “people please.” It can be very hard.
Still, for some, it seems so much easier. What do you think – nature? Nurture?
A little of both. Experience plays a big role in this as well. I have lost several friends to terminal illnesses. That sort of loss “encourages” people to act in certain ways.
For me it is a reminder that even though I come from great genetics, I may not live to be 130 so I need to focus on enjoying life now.
Jack, how awful to lose people already. Yes, I think it must free them in some ways.
In that perspective, you focus more on what matters and those who matter to you. A good lesson.
I’m surprised the question of whether someone likes me or not still comes up as I’m in the middle of life. You’re right, there is something so adolescent about the feeling. I’m thrown back to the days of mean girls and trying to fit in. But fortunately these episodes are few and far between. And unlike my teen days, they are just a blip on the screen. If someone doesn’t like me, that’s there problem. If you think I’m a bitch for stating an opinion that’s contrary to yours…so be it. Life is too short to worry about what others think.
Michelle – we are indeed far from our formative teen years. But reading your response, I just now realize why this feels like a very present question – even for someone in “midlife.”
Many of us are in transition – having to find new jobs (or change jobs more frequently, due to the economy). Many of us are in our post-divorce lives, and single – thus – trying to meet new people, as friends or potential dates. Many of us are having to create new communities where old neighborhoods, friends, lifestyles, or even cities are no longer part of our lives, due to other changing circumstances – financial, marital status, empty nest.
So we are thrown into new situations, feeling more vulnerable, and in some ways, a bit like teenagers again – in being without our usual familiar markers, or people.
So I think I am back to caring more what others think of me than, say, 10 years ago. As a matter of practicality, as much as anything else.
Oh, you’ve hit on a big one for me. I spent my life hardly noticing that I was submerged in angst and depression because I so desperately wanted to be liked. By everyone. All. The. Time. And when I wasn’t, it wrecked me. Truly.
Luckily, I’ve found more solid footing. Therapy and maturation are powerful. Although it still smarts when I realize that I’m not someone’s favorite, I now embrace this mantra: In order to live authentically ME, I cannot care what others think. Hard? Yes. Liberating? YES. Life changing? Ditto.
PS: Adore House. He such a persnickety little bugger.
That does sound life-changing, Denise. But then – when your life changes, unexpectedly, and you find yourself rocked by new circumstances – doesn’t the need to be liked rear its head? And isn’t getting others to genuinely like you, in some measure, a necessary skill?
(Yes, House is hot. Some indescribable charisma… :))
Apropos of this conversation about being liked, for anyone who hasn’t seen it, is this quotation of Lawrence Le Shan (perhaps paraphrasing Howard Thurman): “Do not worry about what the world wants of you. Worry about what makes you come alive because what the world needs is people who are more alive.”
I don’t suppose I need to be liked personally. I want to be, and I know that I can be tolerated reasonably well, but mostly I would like to be understood. Unfortunately, it often seems that a prerequisite for understanding, is being liked. A potentially vicious little circle, that is. I have also been wondering why this ridiculous sort of “high school” game just keeps going on through life, especially in these days when the job search means that everyone HAS to be excellent at sales (selling one’s self — being well liked, and fitting in instantly in an interview.) Being liked these days is so important, and still so hard to engineer. On the one hand, self esteem. On the other, being liked. These days they are both very important, but they often fight each other. Really, what do we do?
Nice to have you here Ré. Ah, yes, the job search. And the need for everyone to like you when you’re doing those rounds – whether it has anything to do with the work you’ll be doing or not. You would assume – able to get along with co-workers and able to communicate – but must everyone be liked to be effective? In terms of leadership – frankly, isn’t being liked at times a disadvantage?
The odd thing these days is that we feel an overwhelming pressure to “Like Back”. With so much liking going on, people feel that since they liked you, that you are required to like them back.
I’m fine if you don’t like me back. But I have run into people who have actually called me out for not liking them back or re-tweeting a link or not accepting a friend request.
Get over it.
Jack
I’m with you on this one, Jack! (I think it’s in the same vein as the “trophy for every kid” syndrome. Eventually – none of it has any meaning.)