Yesterday I considered red paint for my walls, red paint for my hair, and settled for a new shade of vermilion on my toe nails.
Last night, I also cut myself bangs. Very Sandra Bullock.
And don’t we all know that she appeared at the Golden Globes with a new do?
Blunt bangs, and commentary a-plenty.
So?
Other than the fact that I now resemble Sandra’s coyly coiffed shorter sister, might I say that I am delighted there is no one offering opinions on my spontaneous stylings? Seriously – would you want to live your life in the proverbial fishbowl?
It used to be that we judged men on their words and actions. We judged women on their looks. Yes, that’s a simplification.
Admittedly, we now also judge women on words and actions, but we still associate womanly worth with appearance. What woman would deny that self-esteem is tied to what she sees in the mirror, the number on the scale, or a friend’s most recent remarks on a fashion faux-pas?
Raising daughters, raising sons
Growing up, what little girl doesn’t play dress-up, doesn’t piddle around in her mother’s make-up drawer, doesn’t try on her grandmother’s pearls when no one’s the wiser?
Even if our daughters are also playing at being doctors and running companies, aren’t we smiling and nodding as they parade around in our adult shoes, trying on the trappings of their gender?
As for our sons, they’re fashioning weaponry out of sticks and brooms, taking apart whatever they can lay their little fingers on, and yes – running around and satisfying their insatiable curiosity – as are our girls. Happily, times have changed, and more options are available to both sexes (especially as children).
Yet don’t we still encourage our little girls to care about their appearance more than boys?
Beauty, power, profession
We continue to judge women more harshly than men when it comes to the physical, and both genders are guilty of this behavior. We are especially critical of our celebrities.
Sandra’s bangs? Jennifer’s booty? Weight gain or loss on just about any public figure?
And yours truly, along with many others, voicing disapproval of the plastic-fantastic that we see on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills – and other faces splashed across the media.
No one is denying that beauty is power. We’re all susceptible to the pleasure of gazing at gorgeous bods and fabulous faces. But must we criticize every little change-up on our women, especially in professions where physical assets are irrelevant? Theoretically you could say that in the performing arts, appearance is relevant. Fine. But are Sandra Bullock’s bangs really news?
Beauty, aging, dating
Beauty myths aside, there are a few advantages to growing older, including settling into that little bit of extra around the hips, or the silver wisps that float through your curls. There is the sense of knowing who you are which, on a good day, lightens and brightens the mood wherever you may be.
But it remains true that for a woman, youth (or its outward simulation) is an asset in this culture. Likewise, beauty – both professionally and in the dating world, especially in the post-40 dating trenches.
Personally, I’m content that I earn my keep behind a screen, where my ideas and words serve up solutions regardless of how I look. Except – if I step in front of a class to give a seminar, or a client to give a presentation, then, as a woman, I’m back in the fishbowl, where I will be judged on my appearance as well as my content and delivery.
Judging by appearance
Anyone who thinks that first impressions don’t matter is wrong.
Anyone who thinks that personal hygiene, clothing, carriage, manner of speech and vitality aren’t part of the equation is wrong.
We judge by appearance all the time, including judging men. But to a lesser degree, a more realistic standard, and without the cattiness and cruelty we reserve for assessing the worth of our women.
As for my blunt bangs, I have no need to fret about commentary. (I do love that my sons rarely notice this sort of thing.) I am content to live my life away from the public eye, from superficial pronouncements by style ghoul-rus, and as for my “big sister” Sandy, whatever she does with her hair is fine with me.
- Do you define yourself by your appearance?
- Are you affected by commentary from others about how you look?
- Do you feel free to offer commentary on how others look?
- Do you encourage your daughters to care more about appearance than your sons – or to care differently?
One of the beautiful aspects of working from home is I don’t much think about my appearance or what others might think of it.
However, I do send two kids out into the world. At this point, I care much more about my son’s appearance because he spends his day at school, surrounded by judgmental peers and observant teachers. I want others to view him positively.
I imagine I’ll be the same way when my daughter enters school. I don’t care much how she looks for preschool, but I know it will change. I also know that her peer group will exert more pressure on her than I will, so I hope to encourage her away from caring overly much about her looks.
Oh you have struck a chord in me that has been vibrating for some time now. Last night my ex boyfriend told me that he was going to bring his new girlfriend to our yoga studio. I was feeling really vulnerable about that because I imagined spending the whole class comparing myself to her (in very little clothing no less). I also imagined that the reason he had broken up with me was that he found someone prettier. Silly me!
It turned out that she was not only older than me but quite funny looking. She had huge hair and the skinniest legs I had ever seen on an adult. It dissolved my physical insecurities instantly and made me realize how hard I had been on my outward appearance. Love is about so much more and I believe that beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. I’m trying to remind myself of that as I date in my forties and notice some of the changes in my body.
All this rings very true for me. Yes, we still teach our daughters to care more about their appearance than we do our sons. And how women look, and age, and grow or shrink in size, is subject to a ridiculous amount of scrutiny. I wouldn’t want that level of attention and critique. But the issue of getting older is tough, and I find myself wondering if the purported benefits (e.g., wisdom, bravery) compensate for diminished looks. I wrote about this myself, today, here: http://bodyandbrood.com/2011/01/18/on-praise-and-growing-older/
@Dana – welcome. Scrutiny is the right word. And it remains distressing for so long, and seems so unfair.
@Molly – if this was a bit of solace, I’m glad – and know you’re in good company! We give birth and our bodies change. Some of us more than others. We grow older (if we’re lucky), and our bodies change – and it’s only natural. If only the expectations were kinder, and more rational.
This post made me think of Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. As the mother of a son I’m unfamiliar with the world of tutus and princesses. (Those things weren’t really my cup of tea at that age either.) But I suspect it’s awfully easy to foist such things at young girls, teaching them at an early age to care a great deal about traditionally feminine appearances. Anyway, I find Angelina Jolie almost completely unrelatable, but I do respect and appreciate the latitude she’s given Shiloh to be whatever kind of girl she wants to be.
@Gale and @Kelly, I think some of us may “lead” our little ones into certain tastes and tendencies quite naturally, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I have boys, but I’ve led them into a love of words and art – or at the very least – planted seeds, based on how I’ve been raising them, and from an early age. I would’ve done the same with girls, and likely not been very frilly with them because I’m not very frilly myself. On the other hand, with some of my kids’ (female) friends, I’ve enjoyed the occasional dalliance into discussion and play with painting nails, picking out earrings, and so on. Perhaps, as with so many things, it’s a matter of moderation, what we consider appropriate, but also, what our children gravitate toward themselves. Like you, Gayle, I don’t find Jolie very relatable, but I also respect the latitude she gives to her daughter. And Kelly – it will be very interesting to see how your daughter’s peers impact her style tendencies. (Even boys are impacted, though less so.)
Notice how our girls in fact get more latitude in some ways than our boys.
I look in the mirror some days and grumble to myself about the lines around my mouth – a by-product of all those years I stupidly smoked. Then I lecture me about reality. We all age. We all wrinkle. We all sag. It’s life. I hate that our society places so much emphasis on appearance. I think it’s incredibly stupid that Heidi Montag did what she did, especially because I suspect she did it for her idiot man. And then I find myself making judgments about people who are obese.
@Carol – Heidi Montag. I don’t understand the sort of pressures that can make an already beautiful young woman put herself through this. She is absolutely the example of the sort of body image dysfunction at the extreme that we need to address, and redress.
I won’t lie: If we were friends more, say, locally, I would comment on your new blunt bangs, and would likely reference Sandra’s in the process.
I’ll also admit that I’ve taken my appearance pretty seriously for about as long as I can remember. While I don’t feel it defines me, I do think that my interest in the way things look is a defining quality – I’m a very visual person, and from my first ‘when I grow up dreams,’ I longed to be an artist. So there’s a part of me that’s simply interested in how things look and it what it means. There’s another part that cares about appearance as a response to the expectation that success has a look – put together, practical, sophisticated, appropriate. In my context, I conform to expectations about appearance, and notice when others – men and women equally – do and don’t.
But for me, that’s strictly for grown-ups. The ways I care about my son’s appearance are different – I just keep him clean and in clothes he likes that aren’t boldly branded. If I had a daughter, I’d see it the same way. When you’re a kid, dressing up is fun. And for any age, I think clothes and hair, etc. present fun opportunities for us to express ourselves. But in the ‘real’ world, whether it’s your office or the fishbowl, it does often give other people a chance to express themselves, too!
You made me chuckle, Leslie! I try not to go out in public looking too much like a hag, and I agree with you that “appropriate” matters. Likewise, using fashion (and style) as a personal statement is just fun!
It’s the constant pressure and critique that I think is overblown and unnecessary. (And by the way – just keeping little boys clean? No small feat!)
But if you commented negatively on my bangs without being asked your opinion, I’d be aghast. If it was to say something nice, I’d smile and say thank you, natch. 😉
I do try to smell pretty and keep clean and groomed. I do color the grey out of my hair. But I love being 40. I love being in this place.
I love that you used Sandra Bullock in this post because she is the epitome of a woman confident with herself to be her honest self.
I love her bangs, I wish I could see you rocking yours!
🙂 NAS – A day isn’t a day without a little dab of perfume. I couldn’t agree more. (I’m rocking my bangs at my laptop! At least I didn’t chop it all off, which I’ve been known to do on more than one occasion! Ever done that, on a whim?)
I recently commented on this elsewhere, but my “youthful” appearance is actually a hindrance at the office. People assume I am much younger (read: less experienced) and discount my input. While it’s flattery might seem appealing, the noticeable change in attitude towards me professionally makes me wonder if youthful appearance is a double-edged sword.
My daughter’s ballet instructor recently asked her if she cared how she looked with the suggestion that if she dressed like a dancer she would dance better. I understand that this plays on the idea that we dress for success long enough, we start feeling more successful and success comes. My daughter, not yet a teen, was not convinced. She is who she is… and this means that curls might pop from her hair line where other girls have slicked back hair – she isn’t into the latest fashions and is happy in a shirt and leggings. She is simply who she is and dresses for herself.
While she was engaged in this thought process, I entertained a conversation with a dad who will not allow his daughters in public in sweats unless they are going to or coming from a work out. Sweats are just not something to be worn as regular clothes. His idea is that we need to dress with respect to others – other people don’t need to see us in our sweats etc.
I have also been with women who go out of their way to criticize the overweight woman who has “no business” wearing that tube top or pants that tight…
I remain uncertain as to all of this – and am not the greatest example for my daughter as I do dress well when I owe to and I dress more casually (to put it mildly) when I am just me hanging out. I dress for me, not to make those around me more comfortable… and if that woman wants to wear the tube top… is there anything really wrong with that if SHE feels comfortable?
I just don’t know. How do we raise our daughters to value their inner beauty when we have a society that is constantly judging them based on their comfort or what they see?
When my little girl came home from school one day, she commented on a classmate’s blonde hair. She says lighter hair is prettier and why don’t I have pretty hair? I was taken aback because she is only five. I thought to myself, wow, this appearance stuff starts pretty young and never really goes away. I’ve always been conscious of primping in front of my daughter. I’m guilty of telling her that it is better to be smart over pretty. She replies that she can be both. I certainly hope so.
Why yes. I have bangs now. Often I cut the bangs… but I have not had a short cut since I was 13 and finally peeled from the clutches of my mothers choice of the ‘Dorothy Hamil’ cut.
A little change is good for the soul.