The happiness industry. Come on, admit it. It is an industry.
There’s plenty of money to be made if you tout the latest top ten tips, the secret How-To, the glorious and meandering path to 21st century Happiness. With a capital H. Think I’m kidding?
Google “happiness books.” Go ahead. Try it.
Too busy thinking happy thoughts? Not to worry; I’ve done it for you.
The results?
28,800,000 occurrences of something to do with happiness books, and in less than 30 seconds! That’s a lot of words on happiness.
We must be a miserable lot indeed.
From more to less in a decade or two
I’ve said it before – I don’t ask myself if I’m happy. I never have. I recognize moments of joy, bliss, contentment. And much of the time, something considerably less. I also recognize sorrow, fury, despair and all the other emotions that fill out the spectrum. Like most people. But somehow, we’ve traveled from the ME generation to the MORE generation and found ourselves in the land of LESS.
Or maybe we’re really in a land of More AND Less?
- More fear, less security
- More infrastructure, less satisfaction
- More information, less learning
- More gadgetry, less free time
- More connectivity, less connection.
I don’t ask myself about happiness because I don’t explicitly seek it. I expect it will happen when it happens, and instead, I expect satisfaction – in processes, pursuits – and yes, destinations.
But I have no specific picture of what any of this means. I do not visualize an “end” experience, nor the contours and colors of its being. So how could I conjure happiness, as though it were a destination?
Learning, Introspection, Tangibles
Of course, happiness – or whatever related term you may choose – is facilitated by a lessening of worries.
For instance, with fewer financial headaches I have the opportunity to pursue my dreams. With money, health care is more accessible and I might feel better physically and thus be more able to engage in activities that I enjoy – and have missed. So money would increase the likelihood of being “happy.”
Tangibles – like bucks – can facilitate happiness. We know they don’t guarantee it.
Learning and introspection – to me – bring me closer to the possibility of satisfaction. With insights from thoughtfully examining my motives and my actions, I may find myself in a better place. More equipped to deal with challenges. That feels like a step closer to feeling good – whatever you may call that state of being.
As for happiness as a destination, an achievable state of being – not likely.
Happy moments? Of course! And many proud and satisfied moments. I know that when I attain goals or see my kids achieve, I feel great, satisfied – and I suppose – I’m happy. Though happier still to explore whatever may come next – a new journey, a new set of goals, a new adventure.
Popular culture and the pursuit of happiness
So is there anything wrong with trying to be happy, writing about being happy, helping others be happy? Do I see any problem with books like The Happiness Project, or many of the practical guidelines provided from personal experience that are shared and discussed?
No, of course not. There is much that is useful, that is hopeful, and hope – in itself – is a great gift to anyone trying to make it through difficult days, difficult months, difficult years.
But the additional pressure to “add happiness to the list” is where I draw the line. I say enough!
We’ve been sold another bill of goods. More expectations for women, about women, burying women in their own view of who and what they – we – should be. What marriage should be. What mothering should be. So let’s get real. Life is a series of ups and downs. Relationships and parenting are filled with challenges, including tedium.
Wonderful moments? Sure. Those, too. Often when we least expect.
And isn’t that the origin of the word? From “hap” or “happenstance,” something that simply occurs? Something over which we have no control? (Terrifying thought, I know. Might happiness be a cousin to serendipity? And would that really be so bad?)
Oh, there’s plenty to complain about. The world is complex, violent, cruel, frightening, isolating, and unfair. Amen to that chorus. And so what? Chase happiness?
I’d rather chase dreams, and know the journey will enrich me with lessons. I’d rather know the surprise of joy, as it comes in a red balloon on my ceiling. I’ll seek pride in my sons as I raise them well. I’ll be delighted when I make a meaningful connection of the heart. I’ll take pleasure in an essay that is tightly configured. And I will be humbled if a single mind opens to an idea in the palm of my words.
Terminology?
Is pleasure the same as happiness? What about satisfaction? What about a measure of calm when you know you’ve done some good?
Don’t we really live a full spectrum of fluid feelings? Would we really want a state of cooked-up sameness, formulaic resolution to the human condition, a Stepford Wife state of contentment?
I look to what the Founding Fathers wrote about – the pursuit of happiness. To me, that is synonymous with freedom. Freedom of choices. Pursuing dreams. Not a guarantee of some state of being that isn’t what real life is about. And certainly not permission to oneself before all others selfishly.
I also look for grace – recognition of our small and precious joys; moments when we step outside of ourselves and give in ways that fill another and fill us collectively, improving the state of affairs of our small corner of the universe.
Perhaps what is good must be fleeting, or at least variable. But isn’t happiness a false idol? A 21st century trend? A sign of how disconnected we really are from each other, or how spoiled, or simply miserable? What if looked for meaning rather than happiness? Might that not lead us to places where we feel solid, strong, sweetly satisfied, and part of something larger than ourselves?
I do not ask myself if I am happy. I look to feel the satisfaction of good work, the pleasure of connection, contentment in my children, progress toward my goals of many sorts, and even enlightenment. I seek to pursue happiness only indirectly, and not necessarily to “attain” it. To me, this feels more real, more natural, and more substantial.
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YES. You got this just right. I spent all morning thinking about American happiness (as opposed to the French version I’m currently visiting) and you’ve said it all more beautifully.
It’s interesting that you should write this now, and I’ve stumbled across it today. I just decided to stop reading The Happiness Project. Sure it was reminding me of things I could be doing, or affirming the wonderful things that I AM doing – but mid-way through I thought, Do I really need a book to tell me these things? I’m already a pretty happy person. Why have I bought into this notion that I need to be fixed?
You are spot on today! These thoughts came at the right time for this loyal reader. I am constantly trying to reach a level of contentment with my life. It is difficult when our culture is always telling me I should be more everything. I keep thinking I will reach an age where I can stop paying attention to all the hype, but to live in this world is to be bombarded daily with it. I really don’t want to be a hermit, you know, like a crazy cat lady living on the hill, but some days I feel I am getting closer and closer…..
Without sorrow- there would be no happiness. Great lesson here.
How about realized instead of happy? Your blog looks fine for now. I’ve got about an hour to goof off before my first class starts.
I think you are on to something here.
I have no problem with admitting I am happy. Especially with what happened yesterday–2 years of sacrifice that had a good ending is worth celebrating.
Yet.
I do not buy into this “happiness industry” as you so perfectly described it. I think that we have become so focused on what will make us happy that we have begun to neglect how to get to happy. It’s the whole idea of delaying gratification. One book will not make a person happy for the rest of their life. Happiness is fleeting. I can catch pieces of it here and there but if I really want to hold on to it for longer than a few hours, I must be willing to put in the work.
Take this for example, in my wonderful state (ha ha) there are so many get rich quick schemes it’s ridiculous. These schemers are selling the idea that if you are rich, you will be happy. And, what is unbelievable to me, people are buying it . It’s like they’ve forgotten that being rich means nothing. Sure, having money to spend when you need it is nice, but that doesn’t mean it will make you happy. Take a look at all these celebrities who have plenty of money but no happiness. Or, better yet, take a look at celebrities who have gone bankrupt in the last 10 years or so because they thought buying stuff would buy them happiness. It just doesn’t work that way.
I am happy, very happy. But, this happiness is unsustainable. Each day I must wake up with the conscious choice to be happy. I must recognize my part in this whole process. And, when something happens after years of sacrifice? That happiness can last a whole day.
Amber – I couldn’t agree more. And congrats to Ben!!
And Launa – thank you so much for visiting (I tried to leave a comment chez vous but couldn’t.) Delighted to have you (and I agree, the French version of bonheur seems so different, and more grounded.
Notasoccermom. Yes, yes, yes. Sadly, yes.
Vanna – “realized.” I like that!
Dampdynamite – thank you so much for commenting. (Crazy cat lady. I smiled. I get it. Perfect image.)
I took a class once in college (US History major) and my professor told us that in the original draft of the Declaration of Independence Jefferson actually wrote “the pursuit of public happiness” but his committee made him take out “public” as it was thought to be redundant.
My interpretation is that the idea of the pursuit of personal happiness, the kind you describe as being sold as a commodity in the 21st century, simply was not recognized as a goal in 19th century. Of course that is not to mean that happiness did not exist, but that it was not something a person set out to achieve.
It is this notion of yet one more thing we “should” be able to achieve – and its entitlement – that bothers me. We tend to hold ourselves to an expectation that is unrealistic, and I see our very weary women, in particular, wanting to believe that sustainable happiness is possible, because it is what we are told we should feel in marriage, in parenting, and other endeavors.
Thank you for joining the conversation! I don’t think people thought about “happiness” then either. Perhaps they were too busy surviving and building and farming?
I agree with you. The trend of being happy all the time is unrealistic. Happiness is over-rated. Strive for contentment.
You are so right!
There is an expectation of all the time happiness even as young as 5 and 6. Watching nieces and nephews play ball has shown me the puppy dogs and rainbows kind of life I don’t want. Everyone hits, everyone wins, everyone gets a juice box and a snack at the end!
I’m still waiting for my juice box.
Liz, I would give you a juice box if I could. 🙂
Happiness is important, it contrasts the pain and suffering. But without sadness, there can be no happiness; there would be nothing to measure it to. However, having said that; happiness is happiness no matter what form it takes. Some feel it more deeply than others. It’s still nice to have, even if it’s not realistic to expect it all the time.
I agree completely – to expect it all the time is not realistic, and sets us up to be disappointed, and blame ourselves for yet one more thing we’re “not doing right.” Thanks for stopping by!
“More expectations for women, about women, burying women in their own view of who and what they – we – should be. What mothering should be. So let’s get real. Life is a series of ups and downs.”
Yes! You’ve hit it right on the nail. For me, happiness came when I stopped trying to be what society pushes me to be and learned to just accept myself for who I am.
We have similar thoughts on happiness but yours are far more eloquent than mine.
“I expect it will happen when it happens” — I absolutely agree. It’s not meant to be permanent and yet we want to believe it can be.
It is an insidious commodity sold at a high price that we eagerly lap up because who wouldn’t want it? And we perpetuate it when we ask each other and ourselves: “Don’t you want to be happy?” I perpetuate it when I say, “I want my kid to be happy.” There’s no one thing that can make anyone consistently happy and yet we stay open to the highly romanticized idea that maybe, just maybe, we will have or be or do the one thing that will make us happy forever and ever.
I think you just said it beautifully, Belinda. We do romanticize it, don’t we.
Well said. Your insight sheds an enormous amount of light (you are a wise Wolfie).
While I don’t think there is harm in the happiness discussion, in fact I’ve found the exploration interesting, I agree with you. Individuals (men and women) don’t … achieve … happiness or satisfaction or realization or contentment, or? Waiting to achieve them is a mistake. They are best appreciated in the moments they occur (small steps if you will) and celebrated (in whatever small way) to maximize benefits, impact and the likelihood of appreciating them again. (Sometimes that’s difficult, but it’s always possible)
I also believe the same could be said for “sorrow, fury, despair and all the other emotions that fill out the spectrum” You appreciate them in the moment, but the difference is, you try to learn from their messages and move to minimize there impact and the likelihood of their happening again. (Sometimes that’s difficult, but it’s always possible. Forgiveness is a key step here.)
Your writing and insight brings me happiness. Thank you.
Have fun,
Jim
Thanks, Jim. And I hope you had a good break (and a “happy” one). 🙂
I liked that you talked about the pursuit of happiness. In thinking about this topic, I also thought about how lucky we are being able to pursue our own happiness. And maybe that’s it. It is the pursuit. I think about people all across the world who aren’t worried about happiness because they are worried about survival (i.e. next meal, medicine for their kids, threat of war). There is that possibility that we are spoiled, taking for granted the freedom that we have to pursue what we want to do. Happiness is freedom. Of all different kinds.
A pleasure to read your words. Thank You.
I’ve come to think of “happiness” as a sort of catch-all for all the good things that I want in life, something closer to contentment than joy. And I think you’re right that happiness is the newest bill of goods in the self-help pipeline, but I will say that starting to blog – and all the talk of happiness I find online – made me much more mindful of things that weren’t quite right in my life and helped motivate me to try to fix what I could. I suppose it’s sad that I felt that I needed this permission from others (and, tacitly, from an industry) to do what it is within our right and prerogative to do any time. And maybe that’s the problem in a nutshell.
As always you make me think, really think. I’ve read so many happiness posts that I think I’m losing my way on the topic, but this really resonates with me: happiness is not a destination or an achievable state of being. Good point. I like this. I’m going with it.
Well, that was enspired by HGB of Cosmos.
Very important distinctions you make here, BLW. Happiness as a destination, an achievable state of being — perhaps as a vacation spot? I’ve always been more of a cynic (let’s say “realist” to make it more in keeping with the ideas here), and trying to pursue permanent happiness, like nirvana, never seemed like a realistic expectation. Here’s to happy moments. I like that idea much more.
Happy moments. Yes! I’ll drink to that, CT! Santé!
Ooh, I love this about the word origin. Very revealing about the nature of happiness. I agree, Wolfie. Wholeheartedly. Happiness as another item on our to-do list? No thank you! I’ll focus on the things I can control, but unfortunately I don’t believe happiness is one of them. It is a pleasant surprise.