When you converse face-to-face, do you touch the person with whom you’re speaking? Perhaps you graze the forearm, or rest your hand for a moment on the shoulder.
Some of us are more naturally warm, with voices and gestures that radiate energy, compassion, empathy. We lean forward, we make eye contact, and we touch – in appropriate ways.
- We hug our children.
- We hug our friends.
- We kiss on the cheeks.
We engage actively, while talking and listening. We travel the physical and emotional space between ourselves and others. And we touch.
Are you a toucher? Do you know where your touching tendencies come from?
Positive energy and touch
What sort of energy do you give off?
Oh, I don’t mean on the really terrible days when you have a splitting headache and no Tylenol in the cabinet, when your boss has been grumbling over your performance and your sciatica is flaring up.
What about more usual circumstances? You know – even if you did burn dinner, or the cell phone bill is twice what you expected. And then your kid holds up a drawing, gleefully, or the dog looks at you with big eyes and the leash in her mouth. You can’t help yourself. You grin. You kiss your little one. You bundle him up, and yourself, and take the dog out together, even if it’s cold and blustery. Your energy – positive energy – is part of the way you relate to the world. It shines through your body language, your decision-making, and your actions.
There’s a fair amount written on the psychology and science of positive energy – and what comprises positive energy: enthusiasm, optimism, empathy. And I believe that touch and body language are inherently linked to our expression of positive energy – or its opposite.
Body language, non verbal communication
As Psychology Today tells us, and we generally agree, positivity is good and so, we strive for it. Much has been written on the subject, including from the Mayo Clinic, which summarizes the effects of positive attitude on health.
But we all have bad days when we pull inward. And so, non verbal communication expresses positive (or negative) attitude, and may involve touching or lack of it.
Some of us, even on our worst days, are natural touchers. And perhaps, even on those days, we project positivity.
I am fully aware of my body language most of the time, and my propensity for touch. I am especially aware of non verbal cues when I am in the company of someone whose body language differs from my own. Even on a bad day (yesterday, certainly), I am a toucher. I hope I exude warmth through voice, eye contact, gestures, and my preference for small amounts of physical connection.
When I am in the company of a man, I recognize how my body language changes. If there is sexual energy between us, my non verbal communication shifts, reflected in proximity and voice. I am responsive. Subtle messaging is exchanged through expressions and movement. Eye contact is steady.
And I touch.
When I am in the company of a man who initiates no physical contact, and who doesn’t respond to mine, it is telling.
Parenting and touch
Bruce at Privilege of Parenting elaborated on the importance of touching very recently. He explains that babies respond to and need physical contact; it is a critical part of development. Touch brings comfort, love, safety, and enhances healing. Appropriate touch is a matter of personal boundaries, and as we grow, understanding the boundaries is as important as knowing when to reach out, and how to interpret the context of physical contact.
Yesterday, I was anxious. I was also in pain. It was a bad day; I had no desire to go out, to push my physical limits by driving, or to put on a necessary mask of positive energy and engage in social pleasantries. But I had committed to a dinner date – a blind date at that, and I felt that I couldn’t cancel.
An hour before I needed to get in my car, I was popping Motrin, in bed, propped on a heating pad for my throbbing back. I was in tears. My teenage son poked his head into my room to let me know about his evening plans, and of course asked what was wrong. “I’m in pain,” I said, “And I wish I didn’t have to go out. I don’t know what to do.”
I eased out of bed stiffly, and paced a little.
My younger son is more sensitive and less verbal than his older brother. I maintain more “mask” with him, and for him. Yesterday, I couldn’t manage it. His response to my raw, unguarded moment? He hugged me. And I cried.
That simple gesture of caring was an extraordinary act for him. And it helped.
The power of physical connection
From that embrace I took enormous solace. I wiped my face. I slowed my breathing. I came up with an idea, and sent my son out on an errand. He cycled to a nearby Radio Shack where he purchased a gadget to fit into the cigarette lighter in my car. It would allow me to plug in a heating pad, and deal with the drive to and from the restaurant with less pain.
From my son’s hug came my ability to release emotion, then calm myself, then find a solution. As for the dinner? It was pleasant enough. The food was good and the conversation flowed. At one point, as we were laughing over something, I leaned forward and put my hand on the gentleman’s arm – a gesture that is utterly natural – for me.
Nothing. No response of any sort.
Body language speaks louder than words
Relative to my evening overall, it was interesting that with Motrin, heat for the drive, and yes – Cherry Crush nail enamel and French lingerie – I was able to generate enough positive energy to put my best face forward and enjoy. I must have done so successfully, because my date remarked that I was as lovely as in my picture.
A compliment. And yet…
There was no sexual chemistry. But that’s not what this is about. There was no connection. I sensed reserve and distance – despite flowing conversation, despite laughter, despite the gracious comment about my appearance.
At the end of the meal, we said our goodbyes as the valet brought his car and mine. There was no move to take my hand, touch my shoulder, or offer a kiss on the cheek. It struck me as odd.
There will be no second date. I doubt he wants one, and I know I do not.
Reading relationships, acknowledging touch
I wouldn’t normally talk about someone I just met, much less an event that just occurred. But this feels like an exception, in part because I wrote from a “present” place in preparation for going out. But more than that, my awareness of what is important to me is heightened as a result of last evening’s venture into the larger world.
I am reminded that while personal space and touch are cultural, they are also highly personal.
I am a toucher. Not excessively, in my opinion. I know my physical and emotional rhythms. I believe in giving off warmth (and positive energy), and I prefer people with similar tendencies. I also know how isolating lack of touch can be, and I recognize that there is little touch in my life these days. I miss it. Touch is humanizing – it is healing, energizing, exciting, comforting. And clearly, more natural for some of us than others.
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I’m a toucher too. I try to keep it in check when I think it may be misconstrued but my natural inclination is to reach out and touch!
I’m sorry your evening out wasn’t all you may have hoped it would be but I’m glad you went out and did it. What a special moment you shared with your son. That in itself will stay with you and make the evening a special memory.
Honestly? I wasn’t particularly excited to go. I wasn’t feeling well. And I had no expectations whatsoever. The restaurant was lovely, and it’s always nice to receive a compliment (especially when you haven’t been out in some time). And you’re right – I think the best part of the evening was the moment with my son.
Well, darn it all. I was hoping for a report of a dashing gentleman and a smoldering good night kiss. Hoping for it because you deserve a little fun since you bring so much to us.
Your post has really got me thinking: I don’t usually think of myself as a toucher, but I suppose I am one. I am quick to respond with physical touch, especially when I see someone in distress. One of the things I like least is a limp hug. I am immediately suspicious of a limp hugger.
Limp hugger! Oh Kristen – that’s too funny. Limp hugs are bad. But limp handshakes… for me, the worst.
I think I am a toucher, but not overly-so…my touch comes freely and generously for those I love: my hubs, my kids, my closest friends. My touch comes, too, when I am trying to let someone know that what i am saying needs to be said, but it may not be received in the best way. (I am very conscious of this one.)
But I HATE over-touchers…those people who, although they barely know me, want to put their arms around me, talk too closely, hug…I work with some of those, and I recoil every time I see one. As far as the positive energy…it’s funny, most people who know me superficially say I am a bundle of positive energy…I have been nicknamed “Sunshine” by near-strangers. Yet, my closest know I often battle my pessimism and anxieties on a daily basis!
how awful. but what a wonderful hug moment with younger son.
a thought: if the tables were turned, and this “gentleman” were the one in extreme pain, do you think he’d have any compunction calling, however last-minute (or emailing, or texting) to cancel?
happy friggin birthday, bozo! sending him a virtual punch in the non-kissing kisser!
I’m adjusting to life after meth and have been single for seven years. that is partially why touching is not comfortable for me right now. just the thought of being touched is enough to bring me discomfort.
Then I expect you would not set up a dinner date on “Date Night.” And I’m fairly certain that this gentleman is in a very different situation. I hope your discomfort will ease with time, Vanna. Touch is very healing.
Sadly I am not really a toucher. Don’t know where that came from. I am affectionate with my husband but only really when we are at home! I suppose I am rather reserved socially 🙂 With my dog however, we have endless PDA!
Hilarious on the “limp hugs,” Kristen! And, BLW, I share your aversion for limp handshakes, or those girly ones that some (sexist) men assume women still want. No, don’t grasp my fingers.
Well, gosh, I had all these mental images of you sneeking the guy in the storybook cottage past the gigantic Latvian snoring on the couch. Oh well. Still, I have a firm belief that nothing is ever wasted, and everything is a lesson for something else. So this got you out, got you complimented, got you on the road to something else. No retreating back to your room. What’s next?
Also in the back of my mind, troubling me, is what, exactly, can be done about your pain?
I’m so sorry to disappoint you guys! (I should’ve made something up – really outrageous.) However, I thought reality – and the issues of body language and touch were more appropriate. As for the pain, I’m waiting on more tests. And I have no intention of spending my next years attached to heating pads and a bed if I can help it, even if I do have sequins, plumage, and stilettos in the boudoir.
BLW, I’m a guy.
Vanna, I know you’re a guy! Note what I responded to you. I still don’t think you would’ve set up a date suggestive of potential romance if touching was something that you were uncomfortable with. Or am I wrong?
This is so interesting. I think of myself as warm, and I know I am loving, but I’ve in recent years had to accept that I’m not really a toucher. With my children is an exception, but on the whole I like to hug hello and goodbye but am not a real toucher. And I don’t generally like to be touched, for example I can’t sleep with someone touching me etc. But I am very affectionate with my children and most of the time can’t get enough of their little bodies and puppy dog like energy.
I’m sorry about your lousy day and so-so date.
Hope today was better.
xox
Today has been better. Thank you, Lindsey.
You raise some interesting distinctions. There’s no touching at all, there’s typical “date manners” (like a hug goodbye, a kiss on the cheek, a handshake), and a full spectrum of touching behaviors that vary by age group and situation and region and country. Some people are very affectionate with loved ones, and have a distinct “personal space” area otherwise. I think sleeping is a bit different (especially for troubled sleepers), and clearly, touch in the workplace is a different issue (with a wide range of what is acceptable).
But I stand by my premise and belief that “good touch” reduces anxiety, makes you feel more connected to the world in general, and is humanizing. We need physical connection, somewhere, somehow. Even if it involves holding and stroking our pets.
It is truly pleasing for a man when a woman reaches out and touches him. It says a lot and is a compliment in itself. However, sometimes a woman’s touch is hard to read. Is is just a punctuation of what is said at the moment? Is it a thank you for a quick and unexpected laugh? Does it suggest romantic intentions? Whatever it is, a man touching a woman is a bit more risky. He takes the chance of being portrayed as ‘forward.’ It has to be done at the right time and in the right context for it to be thought of as anything else. I LOVE to touch women – and I think I do it with correct intentions attached, but many men are hesitant to take the chance. Could that be your date’s issue? Nonetheless, someone as witty, intelligent, and sexual as you initiating touch could have possibly scared him! Many men are afraid of women who can hold their own on those levels.
Regardless, I am so pleased that you went and got some play time in!
Oh you gave me a good laugh with this one! I don’t think I’d intimidate a fly, frankly. And I don’t think I came across as anything except friendly.
But thank you for the perspective, Steve. I guess a man doesn’t know what to do these days, or how to interpret a touch. But tell me – at the end of even a coffee date, don’t you at least offer a handshake, a hand and then a kiss on the cheek? Isn’t that pretty much de facto “good manners?”
Someone pass the ticket to Charles de Gaulle. French men, or those who have lived in France, I understand. Is there a Guidebook to American Men that I missed somewhere? Um, ladies – am I the only one who needs one??
Yeah, I don’t get that. Even with my women friends I will end the evening with a kiss and a squeeze 😉
My conclusion: “He’s just not that into me” (tra la) – but it was mutual. Nonetheless, the issue of body language and touch remains, to me, a bit mysterious here. Interesting though, how much turns on the impression of something that literally lasts 1 or 2 seconds. Or its absence.
First off, let me just say, I feel like I saw more into you through this post than many others I’ve read. I loved reading about your moments with your son and how his touch effected you. Beautiful.
Except with my kids, I am not a toucher. I think I am very warm and give fantastic hugs to those I’m very close to, but I don’t touch people I don’t know or during conversation or casually. I think it’s because I grew up in a non-touchy family. I’m also not a kisser. I don’t casually give out kisses on the cheek to those I barely know and am uncomfortable when someone kisses me. Strangely though, I MARRIED a big time toucher. He hugs and kisses everyone… and wants to be touched All The Time.
But your point about the healing powers of touch is so true. By the right person, and at the right time, there’s nothing better than touch.
Wonderful post!
Oh, you were referring to the gentleman who you had your dinner date with when you said “this gentleman.” my bad.
🙂 No problem.
I kind of go through phases. With the inner circle I am always a toucher but with external folks it varies depending on my mood and the vibe I get from them. If they don’t seem like touchers, I back off. Similarly, when I am tired or sad or introspective, I tend to keep my hands to myself – possibly even around myself!
I am not a toucher. I rarely hug my own parents or sisters. I am overly touchy with my children and somewhat touchy with my husband, but that’s the extent of it. However, I’ve been told that I am warm, engaging, and comforting. I think, for me, it’s in the eyes and smile — and the other non-verbal cues excluding touching.
When someone I don’t know touches me or forces me to hug them, I feel creepy and weird. My husband’s family are huggers and I dread it from the moment they come around until they leave. I think my son will grow up to be a toucher/hugger and my daughter will be more like me.
I figure we all have boundaries, mine are just a little closer than others’ are.
I know at least one person will disagree silently with me but I am not a comfortable toucher – until I am comfortable with the other person.
When I first meet someone, if that person is a hugger, I sometimes recoil. Hugging is special and I want to know who I am enveloping and bring closer to my world.
As I become comfortable with people and know what the relationship is between us, I am definitely a toucher – a hand on the forearm for emphasis, a quick hug and kiss when meeting or leaving, a pat on the back or hand on the shoulders when passing. I like the feel of touch, of skin on skin (hand on arm….LOL!). But that takes time.
I do anticipate, after a first date – especially a dinner date, at least a hug upon parting, whether with a friend or a potential “boyfriend.” Do I really call men that I would date boys?
I am glad you got out of the house, BLW. I am also glad your son provided you with a bright spot in your evening. There will be more going out to come soon.
I too am not a fan of limp handshakes and sometimes fear mine might be a little too strong. As always, you pose thoughtful and relevant questions here. In this modern world which is bursting at the seems with technology and all things virtual, I think we must not lose track of the importance of actual interpersonal contact and, yes, touch. On the continuum of these things, I would say that I am more of a toucher than non-toucher. I am constantly hugging and tickling my children. When I am with Husband, I am usually holding his hand, etc. I guess I am a big believer in body language and the power of touch and hadn’t really thought about it. Thanks for making me think about it.
(I’m sorry there was no connection. Onwards the next handsome suitor!)
HA! About the limp hugs! Hate them! And I hate limp handshakes as well, so like ADR, I fear I overcompensate.
I touch the people I love a lot. My kids always (alas) are struggling out of my grasps and smooches. I am very affectionate with my friends–I once had a best friend who wasn’t a toucher and I had to be careful with her, because my spontaneous hugs rattled her. For some reason, I’m less affectionate with hubs…probably because he hopefully assumes that all physical contact=eventual nookie. I’d be exhausted!
Hugs are good medicine. I’m a firm believer in the power of touch.
Sorry the date was lukewarm…you deserve better!
My love language is physical touch. I’m a toucher and like you, miss it when it’s limited to only the mother-child kind.
That said, I don’t usually express this with someone until I am comfortable with them. I’m definitely more guarded than I used to be. I’ve also learned that there is a fine line between touching as an expression of warmth and touching to create a false sense of familiarity. Ever hear of shallow affect?
You’re right. Personal space is a cultural thing. I see that every day. My wife likes to be close when she talks to me, too close. She stands well within my space bubble and has the tendency to get all touchy. Me? I like people at arm’s length and I don’t really like touching. Of course it depends on mood, but for the most part I’m not touchy. But, I still think I’m warm and inviting, just not into being too close.
Hmmmm…it certainly is a cultural thing and Americans do like more space than most. Still, if I’m into a woman and she touches me like that, while I may not grab her hand (on the first date) I will respond with touches of my own. I do find it a bit strange that he had such nice things to say to you but didn’t reciprocate. Then again, I’ve been on dates with perfectly attractive women with whom I had zero chemistry. No idea why. Maybe that was the case here. Seems like it for the both of you. Or he could just be a repressed blue blood with no ability for PDA. Who wants that, right? Keep trying. It’s the only way to find it.
If I like someone, I will touch them when I talk to them. But some people don’t like being touched. They definitely send off a vibe that I should keep my distance. And I do.
Touch is essential!
Touchers unite! I haven’t always been and I don’t know that I made a conscious choice to be one but I’ve become very affectionate to the point that I hug new friends. I volunteered at a domestic violence shelter where the kids would startle at the lightest touch and my heart would break everytime. Something about contact is so reassuring especially when it’s so easy these days to feel invisible and virtual instead of real and tangible but I can understand touch as a threatening act for those who’ve been violated.
I am very picky about being touched. I will hug my husband, kiss my kids, hug and kiss my siblings, but people I don’t really know? I won’t hug or touch. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Not because I don’t like them, but because touch, to me, is very intimate. Unless I give the go ahead, or make the move myself, I would prefer that physical interaction not be involved in a conversation.
Most of this comes from my upbringing. My mother shunned touch. She often pushed us off of her. I still don’t feel comfortable hugging her.
I hope to change this with my kids. I want them to know that I am here, that I will give them hugs when they need it.
And, Wolf? Your son sounds like an awesome kid.
I agree with an earlier comment (wow, a lot of comments on this post!) – I learned so much about you in this post and loved the tenderness with your son. And, knowing you’re a “toucher” makes me feel like I “know” you just a little bit more. Me, on the other hand, I am NOT a toucher and it’s not purposeful, it’s just the way I’ve always been (not with significant others of course, just generally) and at times have been “dinged” for appearing standoffish or cool when I’m not even intending to at all. It’s so interesting how that perception can totally sway an impression of someone, isn’t it? I too am sorry for your health problem and for the not-so-successful dinner, but here’s to bigger and better (and better health!) 🙂
Jolene you raise a great point. It may be all too easy to misjudge someone by having a different approach to touch. I’m trying to figure out if similarity in “touch tendencies” is important among people who are either friends or in a relationship. Just from the comments here, it’s clear that there are successful pairings of “touchers” and those who are less so. Yet I certainly did make a judgment about this man based upon those two moments – one at the table, when a 2-second touch on the forearm took place (to no response), and then in the parking lot, when there was no lean in, no handshake, no nothing. I wonder if that is fair of me to judge him based on that. On the other hand, it says something about energy exchanged (or not), and even not feeling great I still had a whole other energy, and didn’t receive it back.
I’m thinking that matters. But I’m open to other suggestions or thoughts. (And I’ve never known a Frenchman who isn’t a toucher, if he enjoys a feminine presence, even in a friend. I love the “aliveness” in that, and miss it, when it isn’t there.)
I think in the case of the dinner date, it was the energy exchanged – or lack thereof, maybe, moreso than the lack of touch at the end of the date – so your judgement of it, to me, still feels fair. At least, my two cents 🙂
I’m so glad to read this! A week or two ago I went on a date that was a cold as the one you describe, absolutely no connection, and certainly no touching. So, yes, I *am* a toucher, though I’ve never really thought of it.
The other day, after a long day, my daughter not only laid in bed next to me to hear stories, but she put her head on my shoulder and snuggled in. She’s nine, and those moments are so few and far between; it was a gift. I didn’t cry then, but thinking about it now, well, it does make me tear up a little.
BTW, I’ve decided to read some of your old posts. You’ve moved so far past divorce, and I’m looking for hints of how to proceed with dignity in my own divorce, and I suspect I’ll find a few answers here. You commented in the “truth” post comments recently that it takes a few years to find those truths, but I’m impatient, and wondering if I can bump that timeline up! You might see me poking around in the archives for a while. 🙂
I’m delighted you’re reading some of the old posts. In just a few weeks, I will mark three years of this endeavor. I believe there have only been two or three days I didn’t write – or rather, post. (I was writing anyway, just trying to see if I could manage not to post!)
Nine! Such a nice age, Pollyanna. There may still be a few hugs and signs of affection yet to come, but you’re so right to treasure these moments. Puberty hits and everything changes!
Dating after divorce is such a process, isn’t it? With all the good and bad inherent in that ambiguous term. It’s tiring and frustrating and yet we learn, if we allow ourselves to reflect on who we’re meeting and how we act and feel with each new person.
“Hints for how to proceed with dignity.” Yikes. Tall order. I don’t know what you’ll find here, but you will see many good men and women commenting as time goes on. There’s a great deal of collective wisdom and compassion in their words.
As for me, my own journey continues.
I am a toucher, but my wife is not. She was until shortly after our marriage, but gradually dwindled to nothing. I feel so ignored and lost sonetimes.
Jack, I’m so sorry to hear this. Do you have any idea why it changed? It’s hard. Very hard. I know.