Well it wasn’t Colonel Mustard. And it wasn’t the library. But it was a mop! And in the arms of a 16-year old in the bathroom, as definite back and forth motions were observed.
And the aromatic stylings of antiseptic! A clean tile floor! Then, suddenly, he was down. On his knees. By the toilet… with a sponge!
Fantastik appeared out of nowhere. Fantastic! A spritz, a shot, then another and another and next, bold sweeps with powerful resolve and a steely eye… it was… a clean john!
This was the scene, last evening, in a leafy burb somewhere on the East Coast of the United States. Unusual. Might Pod People be involved?
Arrival may be imminent, but we have no data
Everyone should have an unknown foreign student arriving, with no data on flight schedules, no logistics specified for rides and pickups, and barely days to prepare.
Why? Because of the impact on a teenage boy (with a glaring mother), of course.
A startling thing. Monumental even!
Quietly, stealthily, the weary woman assumed to be the Parental Unit follows behind, pointing and murmuring as the teenager grunts and then, ultimately, executes. Floors are rediscovered. Nine bags of trash are dragged out to the curb for the morning pickup. And then it’s visible… Dijon Mustard on the Counter in the Kitchen…
Conspiracy theory (domestic goddess?)
Could it be that this is all a cleaning conspiracy? Masterminded by some nosy neighbor or parental poser who actually peered and peeked inside my hovel of a home? Could walkie-talkie communiqués have been furtively exchanged with the head of the high school’s international program, on the assumption that my son and I could be shamed into clearing the kitchen table, re-establishing order in the storage guestroom, unearthing the very floor in the kitchen where pantry items have been stacked for three months?
What if there isn’t a Latvian arriving at some point today?
Diabolical indeed. Maybe that explains the aggravating absence of data.
And yet, Kristen at Motherese has offered herself up as cultural attaché should we require her services, and The Kitch Witch sent me a list of Latvian food staples, including suggestions for root vegetables. But my son shook his head in disapproval, and said: “He’s coming to America. He’ll eat what we eat.”
Recipes for success (and feeding teens)
Our standard culinary offering? You mean on the nights I don’t just point to the microwavable dinners in the freezer? Oh, yes. The real food I cook from time to time. Hmmm. Here are the usual suspects to fill those hollow legs and expandable 17-year old stomachs:
- Chicken à la Popeye
- Cheatin’ Chicken Cacciatore
- Mustard, without the Colonel, on Steak au Poivre
- A little Seared Salmon and Spinach
- Best omelette on the planet (compliments of my son)
Maybe we can order Dominos with beets and potatoes?
And then, one can only hope that tonight – there’s a Latvian with a Smile in the (Guest) Closet.
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I’m sure it’ll be a wonderful experience, and he’s a teenager… he’ll have a bottomless pit for a stomach and eat whatever’s put in front of him 🙂
Having just returned from 2 hours at the supermarket and putting things away, I’m anticipating the bottomless pit. Good thing I cook fast, and frugally!
Thinking of you BLW! Did you buy a pig’s head? 😉
Oh TKW! You crack me up! I’ve spent the past 20 minutes with my HOT laptop on my pained legs (the heat helps), and leaning on a heating pad (for the back that’s killing me), and about to pop some Motrin for all the other parts that hurt!! Cleaning is about 75% there (thanks to my kid), but I’m still doing things he ran out of time to get to, and finishing putting groceries away. Gave up on the laundry. Gave up on the kitchen table. BUT – potatoes, eggs, yogurt, chicken, spinach, London Broil (great buy!), apples, AND a ham to bake with this scrumptious brown sugar glaze. Then double the bread (yes, got some rye), ham, cheese, chips for school lunches. $130 over the usual “weekly” shopping. Here’s hoping it lasts a week!! (This is going to wipe out my kid’s savings by the end of the 16 day stay.)
Oh – the ham is in the freezer. No pig’s head at my local supermarket. ‘Twouldn’t have fit in the freezer. But would’ve been a great conversation piece! Now I must move my assets once more and go make the Latvian bed (could I lie in it???). Will keep you posted. Perhaps we’ll all be speaking Latvian soon! How cool would THAT be??
🙂
When you are finished with the Latvian can you send him to my house with only an estimated arrival time? I could really really use a reason to clean these bathrooms and uncover the countertops.
Totally looking forward to more stories of the Latvian Encounter.
The “embarrassment” factor only seems to work on teens, Sarah. Don’t think your kids are old enough yet. But hey, the Latvian may want a broader American experience – and if he’s a nice kid – maybe I’ll send him your way! (Perhaps he’d babysit?? You could get a night out with the Hubster?)
This is hilarious! Love your writing, BLW!
Thinking of you today and hoping everything goes well with your new doctor, actually getting there, and the student arriving from overseas. My goodness, what a day! And I get grouchy when I have just one thing that throws my routine off – today it was a morning dentist appointment that took longer than expected. I need to just take it in stride like you!
Keep us posted on your adventures.
Dentist. OUCH. Never fun. But you’re making me smile. My mantra: “maternal mind over matter” or the old standby: “JUST DO IT” – except I cannot find my stiletto Nikes at the moment. Ah well.
Latvian encounters indeed. If nothing else, there should be writing material in the next few weeks!
Did you film the great cleaning? I would have! One of my friends hosted a Russian exchange student for 6 weeks. Beautiful girl who quickly became so popular in the small town that she was rarely home. So much for plan making! Have a great time, whatever the experience brings you!
Off for the doctor adventure, SimplyForties! (Sheesh)… should’ve taken some before and after photos. You are quite right! But the before pics are too too embarrassing. Even for moi. Besides, I know teen boys. The place will be trashed again in 24 hours. This whole cleaning thing is an exercise in the ridiculous. But hey, we do it anyway. 🙂
Had to read what was going on so far before my run today. Your son is right – he eats what you eat.
Have fun!
Maybe by the time my kids are teenagers they’ll engage in real cleaning. Well, they do it now, but it leaves something to be desired.
So THAT’S what it takes to get my teenager to clean her bathroom. I’m off to search for foreign exchange programs right now!
How exciting! Both that you have a Latvian visitor coming, and that your son did so much cleaning. (Ha.) Enjoy.
Oooh. Can’t wait to hear the stories because there will be stories! I think it will be fun and educational for all – including us! Charming post as always!
A teenager who cleans bathrooms? We’ll take one at my house!
Ha ha! Since having my son, I’ve severely relaxed on my definition of “clean”. I’m tempted to re-define “meals” and “snacks” but he’s only 3 and still needs proper nutrition. (I’m big on personalizing meaning but some words can’t be played with, I guess.)
Your son’s suggestion that “he’ll eat what we eat” reminds me of Husband’s story from his high school study abroad in Toulouse. The lovely mother of his host family wanted to welcome him by having American breakfast food available for his first meal with the family. Imagine his disappointment when the family dined on croissants, local jam, and fresh eggs while he choked down a bowl of Corn Flakes!
Can’t wait for updates on the Latvian invasion! (Good thing the Wall came down 20 years ago or else you might have latent McCarthyites knocking on your door after your last few posts…)
Doesn’t it feel good to have a neat house? I don’t have the feeling too often, but when I make it that way, I feel more organized inside.
I’m sure the Latvian will love your cooking, and maybe he cooks, also.
Just got him to go to bed. A talker. An interesting talker. But omg. Today was not the day to be up and chatting til almost midnight. As for a “neat house” – that would be an exaggeration. An “improved environment” is more accurate. But I’ll take it!
Of course, he’s only going to want to eat burgers and fries and pizza while he’s here, right?
Also, I’ve got my son on a barter system with his Xbox for cleaning and I’ve never seen a cleaner tub. You could, um, eat off it (not that you’d want to.) He also knows about the glaring mother standing in the doorway. And nothing says “dirty house” more than a dirty bathroom. Am I right?
Ha! Linda – you are indeed right. But trust me, there are a few other corners that never got “gotten to.” And it is, indeed, a chicken dish tonight. But OMG, I’m already tired. A really good kid though. Smart smart smart, very outgoing, and TALL. Big dinner cookin’s will be required tonight. (HELP, I need Hazel!!)