Money makes the world go round?
Yesterday I enjoyed my Bravo TV fix while puttering around, as Millionaire Matchmaker reruns played in the background.
I won’t say I wasn’t amused by some of the shenanigans (and experienced a gag reflex at others), but judging by the way this show nudges an odd assortment of characters into asset-based relationships, I have to ask: Single men – what do you really think of the women you’re meeting these days?
I’m fully aware that reality shows are not the stuff of reality. Aren’t we all… They’re semi-scripted entertainment, pushing the envelope of anything that would be remotely recognizable in the “real” world. You know. That real world where most of us lead our lives.
- The 50-somethings who want 25-year olds?
- The restaurateur who can’t stay off the phone while on a first date?
- The hot shots who talk about themselves in the third person?
- The guy who took a lovely woman on a junk haul?
- As for the women, don’t get me started on the excesses of make-up and cosmetic surgery procedures…
For that matter – I’m not wild about the Queen of Matchmaking teaching a man that he must order for the woman in a restaurant.
Pull out my chair? Sure, I like that. Pick up the check for dinner? That, too. (And by the way, I won’t be ordering lobster and Dom Perignon, either.) I’m big on chivalry, but when a man insists on ordering for me (key word here – “insists”), I worry about issues of control.
Recessionary economy, post-divorce assets
What about those who have lost their jobs in this grueling economy? Or good men on modest incomes because post-divorce means a strain on at least one household, if not two? What about men in jobs that don’t offer steroidal bank accounts?
And haven’t our social lives been impacted dramatically by our lack of disposable income, following layoff or divorce?
So tell me, ladies – as women, do you only date men with money because your financial situation is so tough? And gentlemen – do you feel that you’re out of the running because you don’t have a sufficiently fat wallet? Do you believe that all women want is a man to pick up the check and cover the bills, for everything from beauty treatments and baubles to clothes and real estate?
Men – how much are you part of the problem – expecting a perfect “10” and a woman 10 to 20 years younger?
Fat head for a fat wallet?
Do I think there’s anything wrong with hoping for a man to be a decent “provider,” to carry his own weight? Given that women generally end up with the lion’s share of domestic duties, I don’t. Within reason. I believe it’s a matter of degree, and most of the people I know need at least one and a half incomes to keep a family going, if not two. It’s about partnership and compromise, however that falls out.
But will many women accept a fat head if it comes with a fat wallet?
- Do you believe women respond based on your financial assets?
- Do you feel that as long as you do have money, you’re entitled to a woman who has the proverbial “everything” including hots, smarts, and youth, whatever your age?
- Do you believe women judge based on your clothing, your car, your square footage – and I mean real estate?
- Is this a matter of the recessionary economy, or something else?
- Men: What do you really think of the women you are meeting, and their priorities as they tiptoe into love?
- Women: Your view on the capacity to provide financially as the measure of a man?
My recipe for Valentine’s: Steak au poivre and caesar salad
As for my Valentine (my teenage son), we enjoyed a lovely meal last evening. Filet, fries, and Caesar Salad – 20 minutes to prepare, for $14.
- two 6 oz. filets, lean*
- Sear on both sides in a pan, high heat (margarine or butter)
- Add fresh ground pepper, a pinch of salt, a dollop of Dijon mustard
- Add red wine!
- Lower heat, cover for a minute or two (make sure it stays pink inside)
I buy excellent Caesar Salad makings packaged at the supermarket, and add fresh spinach leaves and more fresh ground pepper. And yes, sometimes I make “real” home fries, but last night it was 20 minutes of start-to-finish cooking time, so I went for frozen waffle fries, baked at 400 degrees, adding salt, rosemary, and garlic pepper to taste.
And for dessert: a kiss on the cheek for my sweet (and hungry) Valentine. Your recipes for success? Culinary, monetary, romantic or otherwise?
*Filet mignon is delicious, but very expensive. We find a tenderloin that is very nearly as good, for a third the price, at our local supermarket.
Image of Patti Stanger, BravoTV.com.
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I found your blog through Dadshouse.
Interesting post. My take is that yes, I am looking for a provider, but it’s not really about the money. I can pay my own bills. While I am dating a man, except for him paying for dates, I refuse to accept any cash or financial help. I have turned it down before. I do expect him to pay for dates though. I like men to be a little more traditional.
When I say a provider, I am looking for a man that would provide for me and the children, should we have any, and not be stingy about it. I am not looking for a man to fund my shopping or buy me expensive things. That is why I am working. I am looking for a man that would provide us as a family with a nice place to live, good education for the children, basically a comfortable lifestyle.
When I date, I have requirements, but they are all something I could bring to the table myself. For example, I am educated, I work out and care about my health, and I have my own interests. I am looking for the same thing.
I’ve seen that show and most of the time, I think whatshername is spot on with what she tells the men. And the ageists are the worst!! Men who need/want a woman 10-20 younger have issues. Period. And they want someone young and naive that won’t call them out on their issues – cuz he KNOWS someone his own age WOULD. And that is why he *thinks* he “gets along better” with someone younger.
Glad you had a nice V-Day dinner with your son, who I’m sure you teach well.
Odd! I turned Millionaire Matchmaker on yesterday for one hour and caught the 50 year old wanting a 25 year old episode. I just laughed as Smike was so much more open to the advice being given and ended up with a great possibility for his life whereas Rupert was his normal self and blew it.
I do not look for a provider. As I have told more than one male friend, if there is a doo-dad or bling that I want, I am not waiting for someone to buy it for me. I will, when I can afford it, buy it myself. I do want someone who wants to be with me, though!
My V-Day consisted of chili as it is red. I did an 8.6 mile run that wore me out for some reason so I showered and crawled into bed and watched the Olympics all day, except for making dinner.
Smike and his date, both men, were by far the most appealing gentlemen on that episode! They were intelligent, interesting and down to earth, truly classy, attractive (without glitz or façade) – and the most impressive men I saw on that show yesterday! (Ah, the heterosexual woman’s plaintive cry… if only they weren’t gay.)
What would happen if the Millionaire Matchmaker worked with the guys on Million Dollar Listing? Has she ever advised the Six Million Dollar Man? (Maybe he could be hooked up with the Bionic Woman…he’d probably settle for nothing less!)
When I was dating my husband, he had lots of expendable cash. Things changed quickly in 4 years. By the time we were married, both of us were broke. But, I am much happier with him now than I was with him then. I think, though, the thing that makes me happy with him is knowing we are broke now, but will be making a decent income in the near future.
I watched a few of those episodes yesterday. It was my first time seeing it.
Several of my friends have shared stories about women who fit the stereotype of the lady who is looking to be kept. But overall I hear about relatively normal people.
Single mothers who are working hard to keep their kids happy and secure while doing their best to find someone special for themselves.
I haven’t seen that show, but now you have me intrigued!
When I met hubs, I had more money than he did. But, like Amber’s husband, he was working/studying so the income would come later, and I admired that.
Interested what men are going to say when they weigh in…
Your Valentine’s Day dinner sounds lovely.
My experience may not comply since I don’t date per se but I do find myself hanging with my women friends on a regular basis. In discussions with them on this topic, they say that it is more important for them to find someone who they enjoy and not necessarily someone who can take care of them. Of course I am hanging with the older generation who have been in a relationship or marriage or two. They have been around the block a few times. There is wisdom behind what they say. These same women are some who chose their first ‘mistake’ for other reasons besides compatibility, friendship, and companionship and maybe that is the reason they are hanging out with me now and looking for just that.
Of course it is a different world out there now and many are using companionship in any shape or form for financial stability; older children moving back in with parents, divorced/separated couples returning under one roof, brothers and sisters cohabitating, even friends of opposite sex. However, all of these examples are far better than finding a mate under the guise of love just for financial purposes.
I have severely curtailed my spending of late, and that has killed my social life. Where are the women who like to hike, bike, and run? (I’m in California, so we’re not snowed in.)
I’ve not seen the show. I’ve been so busy, of late, that I can’t even breathe let alone take time for a television show, especially when I’d rather be here reading and commenting.
I’m in the situation you described where post divorce financial struggles have put a crimp in my style. I would love to find a man who will “keep” me.
I’ve been keeping the men in my life for the last 25 years. I figure turnabout is fair play at this point. Even if I wanted to find a man who could financially save the day, the reality is, I make more than most men in the area I work in. I’m capable of handling my own obligations financially and I’m really okay with that. A man with money is the least of my priorities. A man who is financially responsible, kind and caring, thoughtful, intelligent, creative and, yes, older than me ( not younger or not that much younger) is more important. I’m looking for someone, who sees my warts, and doesn’t go running in the opposite direction, while allowing me to see his too. It’s the quality of relational interaction not the money that matters.
On a side note, I went out with a fabulously wealthy attorney a month or so ago. He had an amazing BMW and we went out to dinner at one of the finest restaurants in the area. Then we went clubbing. He paid for everything, didn’t blink twice, and the drive to the club, which should have been 25 minutes but which was only ten, was pretty sweet. Even so, the temptation to kiss him goodnight or to consider him as anything more than a very good friend, never crossed my mind.
Maybe “the stuff” makes it more likely that a guy is going to “get something” at the end of a date. I don’t know. Hasn’t worked that way for me or a lot of women I know. Could that just be the impression men have?
I have seen the show a couple times and admit that it is good entertainment. I find the matchmaker woman to be decently intelligent, or at least tuned into some of the (sad) intricacies of contemporary dating dynamics. If I start thinking about the show too much, and the values it underscores and reveals, it becomes pretty tasteless pretty quickly.
Great post. Full of interesting questions as always.
I have not seen this show, I have heard about it.
I think it is crazy to date a man for money, but as has been stated above, if that is what you are dating for, then you have to live with the rest that comes with it.
I want to be comfortable and happy. As a single mother, I have found ways to make my money stretch and find comfort. I do not want to be dependent on a man ever again (monetarily or otherwise). But I think that two can find stability with each other.
Single parents seem to see this topic in a different light than other singles – me thinks.
What a lovely V- day dinner you had. Valentines come in all sizes and ages. Your son may just reciprocate next year.
I don’t even expect a guy to pay for dinner. It seems to me that if you are both on an equal plane, income wise, a woman should at least offer *sincerely* to make up her share. I mean, why not? If she earns more, well, let her pay for the dinner! But if a man feels more comfortable in the role of “provider”, then I surely don’t insist.
Wasn’t there a recent study that said guys were marrying women with more money than themselves?
By the way, I also won’t go out with older guys (five or ten years older than me) who don’t want to date women their own age.
Ah, we’re still all mixed up about who should do what.
I didn’t see this show, but I personally Hate if a man orders for me; it just seems arrogant.
I’m sure it’s hard for men who are divorced to find funds to date; I know it’s hard for my ex. But I dated a guy for over a year who had very little money. I didn’t expect him to spend much of it on me, but I got a little sick of hearing about it, and how he would let me spend the little I had on him. Also, it doesn’t take money to have a fun time. Sometimes just some imagination can go a long way.
Hmmmm. lots of things to comment on here.
First, one of my rules for dating is that I will not date anyone in their twenties. I am a single parent and I don’t have the time. I am over 40 (God I really hate saying that) and I don’t have the energy. MOST people in their 20’s are trying to figure out who they are and where they are going. I want to be around women that are beyond that stage. Usually I date women that are my age or older, and only single moms.
I am having a hard time rescuing myself and my son…I’m not out to rescue anyone else. I make good money, but not that good. I look for women that are mentally stable, knowing they need to be a little unstable to be dating me in the first place, and women that are fiscally responsible. I like doing things on a budget and love a woman that feels the same. I prefer first meetings to be over lunch or coffee and I have met a lot of women that feel the same. In their words it is less pressure on both people and it gives you both a chance to size each other up before anyone spends a lot of money. It is easy to use money to impress and compensate for deficiencies in other areas. There is a difference between expensive and quality.
If a woman comes off as being selfish, self centered, really needy, too attached, or high maintenance, there will not be a second date. Hopefully I’m able to determine ahead of time and there isn’t even a first.
I have dated a couple of childless women in their 30’s and 40’s and the impression I got from them is that they tend to be extremely selfish and self-centered. The full disclosure here is that I only dated 3 so it isn’t a scientific study and it doesn’t apply to all the amazing women out there. They really wanted my attention full time and were concerned I couldn’t do that. They recommended, among other things, that I get a nanny to care for my son or send him to a boarding school so that she and I could do more things together. Keep in mind, these suggestions were spoken on the first couple of dates, and before sex or anything else. Needless to say, none of them got that far.
Beauty is certainly subjective and in the eye of the beholder. I don’t really think I have a particular body type or body part preference. I may look at a woman and think she has a great body, but may not be attracted to her. I may see a woman that doesn’t have a great body, but something that she does or says may make me very attracted to her. I look for a combination of things and none of them have to be perfect. I want to be with someone that is comfortable with who they are and what they look like and is comfortable with who I am and what I look like.
Crazy Computer Dad – You are a man who sees the woman, in entirety, or so it seems. If my sons grow into manhood with as much common sense and maturity (which is a process, I realize), I will be very proud. And they will be good men, who find good partners with whom to share their lives.
Now – might we bottle your acquired wisdom and market it? I suspect we’d have a happier population.
Wow, this subject is a minefield, isn’t it? I know I’m not looking for a sugar daddy but I would like the man to make at least as much as my modest income. I admit the economic downturn hadn’t occurred to me but when I see a 55+ year old man who says he makes $18,000 a year, I steer clear.
I wouldn’t want to date a much younger man and I don’t understand why a man would want to date a much younger woman. I wonder what they talk about?
I know your question about whether women respond to their financial assets was directed at men, but I wonder, if they have a problem with that, why they put those assets out there. If you browse profiles on dating sites, a great many men not only post pictures of themselves but also pictures of their houses, boats, cars, motorcycles, etc., Hardly seems fair to offer up your “stuff” and then be annoyed when it gets a response.
Sounds like you had a lovely Valentine’s Day. I sent my son a Valentine’s message of love on Facebook and he replied back that he was so happy to get my message, that he really needed it. I have no idea what’s going on with him but I’m sure glad I sent that message!
Have a great week!
This subject matter is indeed a minefield. You certainly called it. We each come to our expectations from different experiences, and expectations.
You make a good point (SimplyForties) about guys and all their “stuff” in photos. But I’m not sure I draw the same conclusions. I think it’s confusing “out there.” Men don’t know what’s expected of them anymore. Just as women want (I think) often seemingly conflicting things from me. We’re all sort of a mess, until we get to the point of individuals really getting to know each other. All the more reason for taking the time to do so – which our culture doesn’t encourage.
When I was single I wanted someone who was on an equal footing with me: professional with a good job. Someone to complement me. My ex-husband had been an attorney (though a poor one) so I already knew that marrying someone for the “status” of their job was ridiculous.
Thanks for a fascinating discussion, BLW!
Hey BLW. Sorry it took me so long to respond. Stomach flu. Bleh.
Now, I’m torn on this one. For the most part, I do believe that income is a major decision making factor for a lot of women in the U.S. and for MOST women in Manhattan. With that comes the expectation that the woman has to be near perfect (physically at least) regardless of how much of an old geezer you are. It’s clear when you look at the number of young hotties pushing strollers next to their “new” older husbands in the city: old dude either waited to get married or traded out first wife for a newer model. With that comes the financial stability the women are seeking, the pampering, and the trophy wife the old geezer wanted. This seems to be more prevalent in NYC than anywhere I’ve ever been, and I’m pretty well traveled.
Now, as a divorced guy who would LOVE to find a new life partner, this creates an issue. I’m older (42), well established in my career, but sucking wind financially because of the divorce. The amount I pay in child support and alimony is more than most people earn in a year. Granted, that means I earn a decent clip, but take away 40% of anyone’s income and they’re going to be hurting. So being a sugar daddy just isn’t in the cards for me.
Here’s the other thing: I want more kids. I was a late bloomer and didn’t get married the first time until 34. Women that I’ve dated who are late 30’s – 40 I find WONDERFUL. I relate to them SO much more than women in their 20’s or early 30’s. Problem is (as I’ve alluded to in my blog) they seem to be in a rush to get married if they don’t already have kids. I’m not willing to make a second mistake. So, when I try to talk to younger women, for the most part, the ones who are interested are the ones looking for a sugar daddy. I don’t play that game so if that’s what they want, I walk off (literally). It’s a dilemma that my single buddies and I talk about all the time.
There’s even a dating website called millionairematch.com that a lot of my buddies use to get dates with younger women. Most of them are, of course, not millionaires however. So now who’s false advertising: the younger woman promising a loving fulfilling relationship or the guy who doesn’t have the 7 figure bank account? The whole thing makes me queasy.
My dearly departed left his secure well paying family insurance job to pursue a career in acting. Yes, he wanted to be a movie star. He helped me with my business, spent lots of time with our son, and went on auditions. The thought that went through my mind–I married you for better or worse not lunch.
Money helps. More money helps more. However, in hindsight “providing,” in marriage is about a whole lot more than money.
I have never watched the show. Odd families–don’t own televisions :- )
Thought provoking post. Thanks for taking the time to write it.
“Providing in marriage is about a whole lot more than money.”
Beautifully said, Katybeth.