I recently described a transatlantic booty call from an old friend – with the possibility of a free trip to Paris (compliments of his generosity).
French sex versus responsible parenting?
For me, it’s a no-brainer; I received commiseration from the single moms (how romantic, how nice to dream, etc.), and from the single dads – encouragement to hop on a plane and go! Straight to France! Or at the very least, to say oui when it came to inviting a man booking the next flight from Paris, to spend time with me here. A man my son doesn’t know, incidentally, potentially for a week, or more.
I’m not going to address the latter issue (it’s a separate parenting decision), but I want to express my surprise and fascination at the knee-jerk response “16 is old enough to be home alone.”
Do you really think I’d leave a head-in-the-clouds teen to go off and play in my French lingerie?
Now, now. You know me better than that.
But I am curious as to how you decide. At what age can a child be left at home alone?
Did you know:
- Some states have specific age minimums for leaving children home alone.
- Some guidelines say 8, others 10, some say 12.
- There are also age requirements when you leave one child to look after another.
Clearly, these laws exist to protect children from harm. (And I’m not talking about latch-key kids, or the heart-wrenching issues around one or two parents who have to work to survive, without any viable child care options. As a country, we should be ashamed.)
But tell me. How do you feel about leaving your children home alone – for an hour or two, or a weekend? At what age, and under what circumstances do you consider it okay?
My kids 
My elder son has always been a young man in a child’s body. Nonetheless, it was still a child’s body, with a child’s experience of the world. I waited until physical development caught up to emotional maturity and reasoning. I was able to comfortably leave him home alone around age 11, at most for a few hours, during daylight, with phone access and neighbors nearby.
My younger son is a different matter. He’s always been tiny, and appeared two to three years younger than his age until about 18 months ago. He’s also a head-in-the-clouds creative kid, and was not ready to be left home alone until he was older.
Not physically, not emotionally.
Kids and fear
What about the angst of the child home alone? Remember what it was like when you were little, and heard a creak on the stairs, or a stranger knocked on the door? Aren’t those things frightening? I might add that I saw some parents leave their kids alone at ages 6 and 7 – to run out for an hour or two – and I was appalled. Judgmental on my part? You bet.
The New York Times ran an article on children left home alone, focusing on the child’s level of worry as well as the parent’s need to nonetheless instill independence. Every child is different (which is my point).
Shouldn’t we, as parents, consider the individual development of our children – physical, emotional, intellectual – rather than applying some blanket rule?
And if there’s trouble?
Accidents happen in a flash. They happen to adults. Do we really want to take chances with our children?
Teenagers in an empty house
Teens love an empty house, right? Party, party, party! I’m not the typical parent. I allow “party party party” when I am in the house – even if it means I am outnumbered, the party goes all night and I’m stepping over sleeping bodies in the morning.
I have occasionally left town for several days, when both of my sons were here – though I had a small window when I could do so. My elder (a licensed driver) was here with his brother, with strict rules in place which they followed (and a neighbor checking on them). My first-born is no angel, but he’s done me proud acting as an example, and passing off the torch to his younger brother.
Nonetheless, I alerted several people when I left my older teenagers home alone. Teens crave independence, but they’re still kids, and parents are the best judge of when they’re ready for certain responsibilities.
Your kids?
- If you leave kids alone for errands or work, at what age have you done so?
- How do you determine if your child is ready?
- How did you prep your kids for safety, security, and emergencies?
- Would you go on vacation, leaving your child behind?
- When it comes to teens – how old, and under what circumstances do you leave them overnight?
There is safety in numbers, certainly. Some teenagers are remarkably mature. They deserve all the independence we can deliver. My 16-year old isn’t there yet. Off to France to, um… have a good time? Leaving him home alone, with no one to turn to in case of emergency? Do you think I’d enjoy my Parisian recreation? I don’t think so.
Good references
This About.com site on parenting and child safety has great tips when you must leave kids home alone. Likewise, this UK site on your child’s health and safety has good pointers.
- What has your experience been like, Moms?
- Dads, do you see things differently?
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I have written what my concerns would ultimately be in the situation you describe. To me, it’s a fundamental example of physiological preparedness or lack thereof.
I tremble when I think what my youngest would be like if left home alone for more than a day. He would take full advantage of the freedom and if it sounded like fun he would be all over it.
Like your oldest, mine is also mature and can be trusted. That being said, as a parent I could never fly off to France and leave even the maturist teen alone.
Emergencies come up and I wouldn’t want to have to fly home across an ocean to get to my child if he should need me.
For the first time ever, last weekend, I let my girls stay home alone while I went to the grocery store. I was gone about an hour, and came home to find everything and everyone was pretty much where I’d left them 🙂 My oldest daughter (who will be 12 on Sat.) turned on her iPod and danced around the living room while my younger daughter (9) watched TV in their bedroom. It took me months to get comfortable with the idea, but I think they like the sense of independence, and I love grocery shopping without them underfoot!
That said, that’s the limit right now. I plan to continue to have my daughters go to the Boys and Girls Club after school throughout her middle school years at the very least.
i cant even imagine. i have a 4 year old, so basically nowadays i feel comfortable going down to the garage to change the laundry while she is upstairs playing.
plus her mom lives close by, so if i got an offer to go to france, i could do it no problem. does your friend have any Parisian women to introduce me to 😉
btw, great first picture under the headline parenting tips.
I have a daughter who is 14. About a year ago friends started asking if she was available for babysitting. She was interested so I had her take a Red Cross babysitting class. She learned CPR along with basic first aid. When she babysits I text her to make sure all is well. She has been lucky that most parents, understanding her age, are usually home by 10 or 11 pm. They usually just want to go to dinner and movie.
I do have her watch her 11 year old brother too if I want to go out with some friends.
The opportunity to go on vacation without my children or even an overnight has not presented itself, so I’m not quite sure how to answer. Although my gut tells me that I would not feel comfortable without an adult with them.
Leaving teens home overnight or for a weekend alone, no matter how responsible they are, would be doing them a serious disservice. It is not their actions that would be concerning, but their friends’ or peers’ potential actions at finding out they were home alone. It is very difficult for a teen to say ‘no’ to their peers. With texting the primary form of communication, a party takes only seconds to form. Can you imagine having 50 kids turn up at your child’s house because word on the street was they were home alone? I have seen this happen. Please, please, don’t put your kids’ in this position! It is not fair to the kids!!! I was very relieved as a teen that I stayed at a friend’s house if my parents had to go out of town for work or vacation. I am very sorry that you can’t go on your trip — is there no friend he can stay with?
You’re right. I mentioned that I was about 16 when my parents went to Hawaii for a week and left me and my twin sister alone. I should not have been so cavalier because obviously you are right. Not all kids are the same. As a matter of fact, I set my front yard on fire when I was about 12 and my parents went out for a few hours by themselves. They didn’t know that I was going through a period where I was fascinated by fire. So, yes, of course all kids are different. It’s a case by case decision. I think I was just making an off handed comment — probably not too well thought out 🙂
I wouldn’t leave my kids alone together for more than a couple of hours (the longest I’ve left them lately was an hour), but it’s more that they argue constantly and I’m afraid they’d hurt each other (they’re 13 and 10, and boys). I doubt I’d be able to leave either one of them alone for days and leave the country, even if they were 16 and mature. Too many things could go wrong, and how could you relax an ocean away? Like you said, though, every kid is different.
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This is a such a great post. I’m certain that many parents struggle with when to leave their kids home alone. I agree with you that it is a judgment call based on the maturity of the child (also, of course, the laws!).
I started by leaving my oldest alone for just a few minutes and then worked up to a couple of hours. he mostly spends that time playing video games and eating sugary snacks. 🙂