“You’re where?”
“Austin,” he says.
I’m 1,000 miles from home with the headache from hell. I’m holding back a flood of tears over my younger son who is spending his first night in the dorm.
In a new part of the country.
In a new life.
He’s fine, I know. But I’m a mess.
My older son? I know more or less where he is and that he’s fine, except I’m wrong. About the whereabouts, anyway.
Damn.
“What are you doing in Austin?” I ask, utterly baffled, and realizing that he’s far from anywhere I can semi-picture him with the semi-delusional semi-comfort of semi-little worry.
Bring on the semi. Or the Mack truck. Obviously, my maternal GPS is on the fritz.
“I had a few days before class starts,” he says. “I used frequent flyer miles. Cost me ten bucks, and I’m staying with my buddy down here. Great city.”
Parenting Props and Vending Stops
“So I understand,” I say.
Okay, I tell myself. He wasn’t a free-range kid, but he did own his independence early and he handles it like a pro. He just got himself to Texas for $10 and a few subway tokens. And why not?
I wonder if we all passed in the clouds a night or two back, and if we did, why I didn’t sense it.
He chats as I contemplate the vending machine at the far end of the hall by the ice maker, except I’ve already been there twice, restlessly, returning empty-handed. Its offerings are woefully depleted – Nutribars, Doritos, Twizzlers, Tylenol.
I suppose I could use the Tylenol, but what I really want is chocolate, dammit. Chocolate to combat concern over Hurricane Irene, my flight home, my lower back, which is throbbing from marching up and down dormitory and bookstore stairs with bags and boxes and luggage. I’m worried about returning the rental car on time, I’m worried about getting lost on the expressway (again), I’m worried about making it to the (teeny tiny) jet and not feeling too petrified while the (teeny tiny) cabin tips and tilts as we wing our way to my quadrant of the US of A – where my children… aren’t.
Not either of them.
The new world order?
Everything is changing. Nothing is changing.
Teen Travels
“Mom?”
“Yes, Sweetie.”
“Did the move-in go okay?”
“Yes,” I say, logging into the hotel’s Wifi to check the weather and track the storm’s path. I give the graphic a once-over. He should be fine on his return trip in a few days. I should be fine on my flight back home.
I tell myself we will all be fine.
“Gotta go,” he says.
I start to utter my usual – I love you, have fun, be safe, call me – and stop myself.
“Thanks for letting me know.”
“No problem,” he says and disconnects.
I wonder if I have the energy to drive to a convenience store for a Butterfingers.
Time Keeps on Ticking
Twenty years ago I hopped planes like it was nothing. Switched states and states of mind. Changed countries and cultures. Reconfigured my life at the drop of a, well, at the time… French Franc.
Will I be traveling again? Will I travel lighter than I have in recent years? Will I ever travel as “light” as before I became a parent?
Doubt that.
Doubt any of us can. But who knows what the next criss-cross may bring as long as I’m not afraid to take a risk, to speak up, to stay flexible. As to the baggage, who doesn’t travel with whatever necessities are required, not to mention those that bring comfort? The real trick is to pack smartly, be judicious in what to take, and even more so – what to leave behind.
Image courtesy Flickr via Creative Commons License.
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It’s the leaving behind part that’s hard. And the adjusting to an empty house, but adjust you will, and soon you’ll love the time for yourself as much as you’ll love when they come home for a few days.
Ah, Carol. The voice of reason! But first I need to clean up the disaster areas created of packing pandemonium!
Certainly a lesson in trusting the Universe.
Yes, many lessons in trusting the universe, Pj. Sometimes it takes us a few years to learn that. 🙂
I loved when my sons went to college. I got a quiet, clean, peaceful home again. Enjoy your own space again. It is a wonderful thing.
I hear you Madge.
Just not there yet.
I’m excited for you, BLW! Enjoy the extra time, reclaimed space and your newfound freedom.
Thinking of you! 🙂
They certainly keep us on our toes, Linda. Nice to hear from you. 🙂
Wow, isn’t it when our children are the most like us, that they scare us and make us the most crazy? I love the trust, I love that he called to let you know.
I understand what it is to have an independent child. And I think that you still should have followed through with the love you speech.
Raise a glass to the empty-nesters and what ever may come next.
Austin is a great town, full of crazy, wonderful life. Not a bad way to spend 10$. I was raised to fly alone (started at 11) and even saved for my own tickets. But those days are so very far away right now. Travel is grueling.
It took my mom about three years once I left the nest empty. Since then I simply cannot keep up with her whereabouts. It’s me who says, you’re where? Then I sigh and shake my head, wondering if I will ever travel so freely again. (not for a LONG time) I look forward to hearing about your trips, when you’re ready.
Hugs, hugs, hugs and more hugs. xoxoxoxo (That’s all I’ve got. ‘Cause I’m feeling the same as you.)
His independence and fearless attitude are beyond me, and he and I are close in age! I suppose that’s personalities for you; I’m a homebody and prefer to stick close to my surroundings. However, as I think about my children and how they will be when they reach adulthood, I wonder if I will have conversations like these. I admire that you have moved beyond teenage conversations into adult conversations. Though parenting thoughts and comments are right at the tip of your tongue, you suppress them and let your boys soar. What a remarkable characteristic. My mother still lectures me, and I have two kids, a degree, and am living miles from home!
I don’t have kids, so won’t have these worries. One thing I did learn after my Mom died. I really missed having someone to call to say “I’m here. I’m safe. This is what I’m doing.” or “I’m home. It was great. See you soon.” I had a friend, bless her, who said, ‘Call me and tell me you’ve arrived!’ So it’s not all about Mom’s point of view.
Our children walk — run on some days — in an ever widening circle out from us. I hear you. And, just for fun, imagine this: my son put his stuff in the dorm, met his room mate, then, all were evacuated in the incoming wake of Irene. He is back there today and classes start later this week….I am not sure, which means I am detached in a good way.
Blessings and mazel toffies on all this circle expansion!!!!!
I’ve visited Austin several times and it is artsy and eccentric, but safe. I am certain your son will enjoy his stay there.
I understand your reservations and I know a certain part of me would be going a little crazy too, but it is an exercise in trusting him and his place in the world.
Congrats!!!
Parenting was wonderful especially that I raised my two sons alone. They both went to college I lost one of sons in 2010. I have a younger 25 yr old finished college, that empty nest was touch. but we made it. I was a stronger person then. I thank god everyday for my younger son,we have such a good relationship. I guess I was good in parenting. I wish you all well!