My Problems, Your Problems: Whose Problems Come First?

“Why are my problems always less important than his?” It’s the plaintive cry of so many women I’ve known, and admittedly, myself as well. I imagine that if we asked a group of men, at least some would express similar sentiments.

And this isn’t just about partners, is it? How many of us feel like others’ needs take precedence beyond any illusion of equitable compromise? Especially when kids are involved?

Priorities, Priorities…Problems With Priorities?

So whose needs come first in a marriage or serious relationship? Do our priorities seesaw between spouses? Is that healthier? Must there always be an imbalance? Is there a pattern? Is it addressable? Is it a deal breaker?

Whose needs come first when you’re dealing with young children? How does that shift when those children become adolescents and adults? Do some of us cripple our young adults’ abilities to problem-solve by being too available or too willing to set aside our priorities for theirs?

And what about issues of family versus work — the ever-discussed work-life balance as exemplified in a recent opinion piece in the New York Times?

Will a client’s or customer’s or employer’s needs come before your child’s or your spouse’s? Will you “pay” for your choice more if you’re a woman — one way or another?

What Constitutes Compromise? What About Self-Sacrifice?

Obviously, I can’t answer all the questions above in any in-depth way; both popular and scholarly works attack these subjects. But I can and do see the ways in which these interrelated issues drop some of us into dangerous emotional, physical, and financial territory. Conflicting priorities have impacted major decisions in my life — some to my long-term detriment (and some quite recently) — which is perhaps why I view them as perpetually relevant even as women age.

As women, often, don’t we face (subtle?) societal disapproval depending on the choices we make — if we make ourselves top priority?  Aren’t we more frequently expected to compromise and sacrifice?

Everyone’s individual priorities are different. We get that. We also understand that when we’re on our own — no spouse or significant other whose concerns are a factor, we aren’t compelled to compromise — much less sacrifice — what we want or need.

At least, not on the altar of a relationship.

Serious Problems vs. Everyday Concerns

Now, I used the term “problems” above for a reason. Most of us understand the difference between serious issues that require our urgent attention and the ongoing complexities of day-to-day life.

In my own post-divorce experience, I lived through painful periods when parenting issues left me feeling racked with worry — legitimate worry beyond the usual — and I did everything possible to help my kids through.

I recognize the ways in which I set aside my own long-term interests in each of those cases and I would do the same again. Isn’t this true of most parents?

Do I wish I hadn’t found myself going it alone during those especially rough times? You bet. It just wasn’t in the cards. And I would say the same for the more run-of-the-mill headaches, dramas, and scraps while raising my kids. I never wanted to parent solo much less  “do it all“ on my own.  I believe that children benefit from more love and caring, not less. But again, it was the hand I was dealt.

Our Kids… We Feel Good When They Feel Good

This morning I’m also considering a current example involving my adult children’s needs — make that comforts — which doesn’t qualify as a “problem” in any real way.

Having downsized from our cozy home to a smaller apartment, I no longer have bedrooms for my sons. I think it bothers them (though slightly); I know that it bothers me (a great deal). When both my boys are visiting, the sleeping arrangements are a challenge. If they’re here with significant others, obviously, more so.

And I feel guilty.

At moments, I feel like I failed them. No matter how often friends might try to argue away that feeling, it remains. A fist in my gut. Shouldn’t I be able to buy a decent sleep sofa or futon? But I don’t have the space or the budget. At least, for now.

Listen, I know the ways in which I struggle and I know the ways in which I am fortunate. Nevertheless, single parent guilt still dogs me, and I imagine it always will. But the sleeping situation isn’t entirely about them and I know it. If they feel comfortable in this apartment, then they’re more likely to visit, to enjoy themselves, and to stay longer – which benefits me.

Spouses, Partners, Lovers, and Yes, In-Laws…

The difficulties in prioritizing are always more complicated when there are young children involved. Do you put your spouse first? Do you put your children first? How do you balance the needs of each? Don’t most mothers put an infant’s or young child’s needs first almost instinctively?

And what do you do about the in-laws and the friends all of whom are offering unsolicited advice if you don’t follow gender conventions? (I can still remember my mother-in-law’s gentle but pointed admonitions on the subject of caring properly for her son.)

What if your spouse agrees with “outside” opinions and wants more dedicated time with you? Could he or she be right? Is he or she equally shouldering the domestic freight?  Isn’t it bad enough that you’re probably beating yourself up and torn between “top” priorities?

Psychology Today offers its take on the subject of balancing your partner’s needs, your children’s needs, and managing priorities, summing up the situation succinctly:

… the real question for parents is always, “Where is the line between my responsibility to my children, my responsibility to my spouse, and my responsibility to myself?”

But how do we find that line? How do we shift it even as we grow older and change husbands, wives, live-ins and significant others?

Trade-offs, Values, Support Systems, Money

The topic of “having it all” versus “doing it all” feels tired, despite its ongoing relevance. There are only so many hours a day, so many expectations any of us can meet, and trade-offs — whatever your gender, your age, your marital status, parenting status, or employment status — are part of the picture. Those trade-offs generally reflect our most pressing needs and our values. Likewise, the presence of family or community support systems.

But we also know that even serious challenges can be mitigated with money — not necessarily solved, but mitigated.

If you’re responsible for taking care of an aging parent, you can pay for it — or for periodic relief. Higher quality medical care can be accessed for yourself and your family, and without fear of racking up debt or losing your home. Distances can be traveled more frequently and faster — with flights or drivers — in case you need to juggle work in one region and relationship (or family) issues in another. If rehab or mental health care is necessary, again, money means options — regardless of price or location.

A note on the notion of support: If you’re on your own, it’s true that you won’t have to “compromise” or sacrifice. It may also mean that risk is less diversified should an emergency such as a medical incident or layoff arise. If you can pool assets or reduce expenses — whether you like each other or not — that can be a practical benefit and, if you’re lucky, it may strengthen your relationship.

Common Values, Common Goals

In “I’ve Picked My Job Over My Kids,” the column I reference above, attorney, writer, and law professor Lara Bazelon cites numerous instances when she chose responsibilities to her clients over parenting, and as a divorced mother of young children, these weren’t easy choices.

It’s worth noting that Ms. Bazelon’s work is important; we wouldn’t even question her priorities were she a father rather than a mother.

Ms. Bazelon also credits, at least in part, a cooperative co-parent — her ex-husband — for her ability to pursue her professional path. This is no small factor. What if she didn’t have that logistical (and emotional?) support when it comes to caring for her kids?

When dealing with conflicting work-life priorities, doesn’t it help to be dealing with another adult who shares your values and your goals? And yes, the opposite scenario — conflicting values and goals — can ratchet up the drama.

Everyone’s Story Is Different, But…

So what if you are working a low-paying job or patching together multiple non-“regular” jobs and you’re responsible for kids? Isn’t this an all too common single mother scenario? What if you don’t have access to the proverbial village as you try to raise them?

What if your financial survival requires reordering priorities in a way that your partner dislikes?

What if you give in to accepting that your problems are always less important than those of the person you love?

I’ve been in that last situation too many times — putting someone else’s needs far above my own — and I’m paying for it, even now. I sometimes think this tendency is generational in nature, or rather, a combination of gender and generation. Whatever its origins, I would like to think that eventually I will break this pattern. If I am ever to be part of a serious relationship in the future, to have my priorities, perspective, and personal circumstances fully acknowledged and respected is a must. And this question — “Why are my problems always less important than his?” — one I hope never to ask again.

 

 

You May Also Enjoy

• Does Putting Yourself First Pay Off?

• “Discordant Expectations in Marriage”

• Supportive Relationships: “In It Together”

• How Much Sacrifice Is Normal in a Relationship?